How to Maintain a Friendship After Sex

Co-authored by Alysha Jeney, MA, LMFT

Last Updated: August 19, 2021 References

If you hooked up with a friend, you might be wondering what comes next. Try not to get stressed. You might end up with an even stronger bond! Staying friends after sex is tricky, but it definitely can be done. Whether you’re in a friends with benefits situation, or just had a one-time hook-up, communication is key. Make sure you let the other person know how you’re feeling, what your expectations are, and that you are both respectful towards one another. It can be a little more complicated if you’re trying to stay friends with an ex. But if you communicate and set boundaries, you can keep your friendship going strong even when your romantic relationship is over.

Method 1

Method 1 of 3:

Being Friends with Benefits

1
Communicate with each other to stay on the same page. Hooking up with a friend can be a lot of fun. You already know that you like them, after all. Before you start getting physical, talk to each other about your expectations. Make it clear what you are looking for and listen respectfully to the other person.^{[1]
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Expert Source

Alysha Jeney, MA, LMFT
Licensed Relationship Therapist
Expert Interview. 11 August 2021.} It doesn’t have to be an intense, lengthy conversation, but being open from the beginning will help keep the friendship healthy.^{[2]
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- You could say, “I’m not looking for a commitment or relationship. Is it okay with you if we keep this completely casual?”
- Another option is, “I’m really attracted to you, but I want to make sure we’re on the same page. I still want to be just friends.”
2
Set ground rules to create healthy boundaries. To keep things from getting too complicated, lay out some guidelines for this new part of your relationship. You can have an honest conversation once you start hooking up. Let the other person know that you want to keep things light, but that it’s important to you to have some boundaries.^{[3]
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Expert Source

Alysha Jeney, MA, LMFT
Licensed Relationship Therapist
Expert Interview. 11 August 2021.}^{[4]
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- Try suggesting that you don’t spend the night together if that seems too intimate for you.
- You could also request that they don’t hook up with anyone else while you two are hooking up. This isn't a rule, but you should come to an agreement and follow it to the letter. Communication is key in every relationship.^{[5]
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  Expert Source
  
  Alysha Jeney, MA, LMFT
  Licensed Relationship Therapist
  Expert Interview. 11 August 2021.}
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3
Treat each other with respect. All friendships should be based on mutual respect, and that shouldn’t change after you have sex. Show respect by listening to the other person and respecting their boundaries. Take care not to gossip about them or your relationship. It’s nobody else’s business!^{[6]
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- It’s also respectful to respond to texts or calls in a timely manner. Basically, you shouldn’t treat your friend any differently than you did in the past.
4
Keep the relationship light-hearted by focusing on fun. Although boundaries and respect are key, you don’t have to make this too serious or complicated. Above all else, hooking up should be fun for both of you. Check-in occasionally about your feelings, but keep things light-hearted by enjoying your physical connection. ^{[7]
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- Don’t feel pressure to set up date nights or anything like that. This isn’t a traditional relationship, so you can be a lot more casual.
5
Find other outlets for your emotional needs. When you hook-up, avoid talking about anything too serious. If you need to talk to someone, try taking it to a family member or another friend. If you depend on your hook-up friend for everything, you risk making this a more serious relationship.^{[8]
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- For example, if you’re dealing with an issue at work, try venting to a friendly co-worker instead of bringing the conflict into the bedroom with you.
6
Continue to hang out as friends when you're not hooking up. It can be easy to get caught up in the fun physical part of hooking up, but make sure to prioritize your friendship. It's likely that you'll stop hooking up at some point, but if you work at it, there's no reason you can't continue being friends. Keep doing things as friends that don't involve getting physical so that you remember the true foundation of your relationship.^{[9]
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- For example, if you and your friend have always enjoyed playing tennis together, you should continue to do that.
7
Be upfront and honest when you're ready to stop hooking up. Maybe you've met someone or maybe the fun has just run its course. Whatever the reason, have a talk with your friend and tell them that you want to be just friends again. You can share as much or as little about your reasons as is comfortable for you. The important part is that you let them know what you need and want.^{[10]
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- Try saying, "I've been having a lot of fun, but I think it is better for us to end the physical part of our relationship. I'm ready to move on and start dating someone else. How do you feel about that?"
- If you feel like you need a little break from the friendship, make that clear, too. Otherwise, you can continue doing the things you like to do together as friends.

Method 2

Method 2 of 3:

Staying Friends After a Hook-up

1
Weigh the pros and cons before hooking up. A lot of hook-ups are spur of the moment, and that’s fine. Even if things are happening fast, take a minute to pause and think about the risks. Make sure that you realize that you might change the friendship. If you’re not okay with that, don’t hook up with your friend.^{[11]
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- On the bright side, there is also a chance that the friendship grows stronger after you are intimate with each other. Just make sure you’re ready to accept any change that does come.
2
Use protection to stay healthy. A hook-up should be fun! The last thing you want is an unintended consequence, like an STI or an unplanned pregnancy. Use a condom no matter what.^{[12]
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- Even if you trust the other person, you should still use protection. It’s always better to be safe rather than sorry.
3
Keep the hook-up fun. If you’re both into each other, just enjoy getting physical. You don’t have to put any pressure on yourself to turn this into a relationship. It’s important to respect the other person’s boundaries, but mainly try to relax and have fun. You already know and like this person, so you don’t have to worry about making awkward small talk.^{[13]
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4
Have an honest conversation the next morning. To keep your friendship alive, take a minute to talk about how you’re feeling. You can do this in person if you woke up together, or send a text if you went home on your own. Make sure to follow up right away so that there are no lingering awkward feelings.^{[14]
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- Say something like, “That was a lot of fun! But I really value your friendship, so let’s not do that again. I don’t want to complicate things.”
5
Ask your friend to hang out to avoid awkwardness. You might be feeling a little awkward after hooking up with a friend, but don't worry. That's normal, and your friend probably feels a little weird, too. Don't try to make things too intense by having a long, deep conversation. Instead, check-in with your friend to make sure you're on the same page. Then, ask them if they want to hang out. Keep your tone light, and suggest a platonic activity.^{[15]
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- You can do this a day or two after the hook-up to get rid of any lingering awkward feelings.
- You can say, "I just wanted to make sure we're cool about what happened the other night. I definitely want to still hang out as friends. Are you up for grabbing coffee later?"

Method 3

Method 3 of 3:

Remaining Friends with an Ex

1
Take some time apart from each other. Even if your breakup was amicable, it’s still a good idea to give each other some space. Allow yourself some time to process your emotions and get into a new routine. There’s no set amount of time that works for everyone, but you should probably plan to stay away from each other for at least a few weeks.^{[16]
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- While you’re taking time apart, limit all communications. That means no texting in addition to not hanging out.
- Mute the other person on social media. That way you won’t be tempted to keep monitoring what they’re up to.
2
Make sure the romantic spark is gone. It is possible to be friends with an ex, but only if you both want to be completely platonic. While you’re spending time apart, check in with your emotions. Do you miss being affectionate with your ex? If so, you’re probably not ready to have a friendship. If you just miss their company, you can likely handle the change in your relationship.^{[17]
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- Be upfront with your ex. Ask them whether they have any lingering physical attraction to you. If they say yes, take some more time apart before hanging out as friends.
3
Set healthy boundaries. Establish from the outset what each of you thinks is appropriate. Choose some guidelines for how you will contact each other and how often you will see each other. If you don’t do this, you might fall back into old habits, like seeing each other daily. While this might feel comfortable, it will probably make it pretty hard to actually move on.^{[18]
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- You could make a rule that you won’t contact each other after 9 p.m., or that you only meet for lunch once a month.
- There are no firm and hard rules for this. Talk to your ex about what works for the two of you.
4
Choose activities that won’t lead to physical contact. If you’re really committed to staying friends, don’t hook up with your ex. It might be tempting, but it won’t help you move forward. When you spend time together, pick activities that aren’t likely to lead to hooking up.^{[19]
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- For example, you might avoid drinking together. Being tipsy might cause you to drop the boundaries that you’ve set up.

Expert Q&A

Question

Can you be friends with someone you have slept with?

Alysha Jeney, MA, LMFT
Licensed Relationship Therapist
Alysha Jeney is a Licensed Relationship Therapist, the Owner of Modern Love Counseling, and the Co-Founder of The Modern Love Box. She specializes in relationship therapy, intimacy building, and existential exploration. Alysha holds a BA in Psychology from The Metropolitan State University of Denver and an MA in Marriage and Family Therapy/Counseling from Regis University. She has been featured in publications such as The Washington Post and The Huffington Post.

Alysha Jeney, MA, LMFT

Licensed Relationship Therapist

Expert Answer

Possibly, but you need to have plenty of communication. Make sure that both you and the other person are on the same page and that your relationship is totally platonic. If you or the other person is a new relationship, check that you both are comfortable and unthreatened by the arrangement.
Question

I had sex with my friend, and I have a girlfriend too. My friend feels bad and doesn't think we should be friends anymore. Is there anything I can do to stay friends?

Community Answer

Try explaining to her that this was just a one time thing and it doesn't have to mean anything. Tell her that her friendship is important to you and you'd hate to see this one incident ruin it. If she still doesn't want to be friends with you after that, you'll have to just let her go.
Question

So.I had sex with my BFF who has a GF. It was stupid, and now I haven't seen him in a month. He won't reply to me. I don't want to lose him. What do I do?

Community Answer

You probably need to reevaluate your relationship with him, as hard as that might be. It seems like he is feeling guilty about what happened and is taking it out on you by avoiding and ignoring the situation, which isn't fair. If you decide that you are okay with this and want him in your life, then you need to give him space. Maybe he'll come around, maybe he won't, but it's all that you can do.