This article was co-authored by Samantha Fox, MS, LMFT. Samantha Fox is a Marriage & Family Therapist in private practice in New York, New York. With over a decade of experience, Samantha specializes in relationship, sexuality, identity, and family conflicts. She also advises on life transitions for individuals, couples, and families. She holds both a Master’s degree and a Marriage and Family Therapy License. Samantha is trained in Internal Family Systems (IFS), Accelerated Experiential Dynamic Psychotherapy (AEDP), Emotion Focused Couples Therapy (EFT), and Narrative Therapy.
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You can't tell if people are gay or straight from looking at them. If you're curious, just ask them. Here are some tips on figuring this person out.
Steps
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1Keep in mind the many possibilities. Orientation and identity is much more complicated than just "gay" or "straight." Stay aware of diversity so you don't jump to conclusions.
- Bisexual and pansexual people can date people of any gender.
- Some LGBTQ+ people also identify as straight. Trans people, asexuals, and aromantic people may have no interest in the same gender.
- Closeted people may pretend to be straight. Some even arrange to have someone be their "beard" and pretend to date them.
- Some people haven't figured it out yet.
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2Get to know them. If you want to know more about a person, then spend time together. Chat and get to know them as a person.
- Be friends with them because of who they are, not just because you want to know what their sexual orientation is.
- If you already are friends with them, that's the first step of knowing if someone is heterosexual/straight.
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3Don't rely on stereotypes. Things like mannerisms and style don't always translate to orientation. Having a distinct style doesn't make someone LGBTQ+ and having a plainer style doesn't make them straight. Even the toughest football player can be gay, and the girliest girl in high heels with long hair could be lesbian.
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4Notice whether and how they talk about LGBTQ+ topics. Anyone can discuss these things, but straight people may do it a little differently. Many straight people will speak as allies rather than community members.
- If they mention LGBTQ+ people, do they say "we" or "they?" (This isn't perfect, though, since trans and other people can be straight.)
- Do they comment on whether people of the same gender are attractive? And if so, are these passing comments or expressions of interest?
- Do they wear or own pride merch?
Tip: Don't use openness towards LGBTQ+ topics or dislike of discrimination as a yardstick. Some allies are accepting and open people who believe strongly in fairness. For example, straight people may call out homophobic bullying because they want to protect gay people.
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5Talk about love and romance with them. Talking about dating can be a way to gauge what they like. Try bringing up a love-related subject and see if they're comfortable talking about the subject with you. Then notice the pronouns they use when they talk about partners. The two of you could discuss:[1]
- Who you're dating
- Fantasies and ideal dates/partners
- Stories about exes
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6Flirt or ask them out if you're interested in dating them. If you have a crush on them, then their orientation isn't the biggest question: it's whether they'd be open to a relationship with you. So, don't be shy and show them that you're interested.
- Touch them, make lingering eye contact, smile at them, and compliment them if you want to show interest.
- If they turn you down, accept it gracefully. Nobody likes being pressured or punished for their lack of interest.
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7Ask them. It may feel awkward, but it's the best way to know. Be prepared for any answer, and be respectful no matter what they say.
Community Q&A
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QuestionHow do I know if someone is bisexual?
Community AnswerAsk them. Most people will not be offended if you just go ahead and politely ask, and there's not really any other way to tell. -
QuestionI want to know if my bestie is straight or not. I'm lesbian. What do I do?
NicoTop AnswererFind a time where both of you are alone together and tell her that you're lesbian. Then, casually ask, "Are you attracted to girls/women?"
Warnings
- Don't be rude to them if it turns out that they aren't or are straight.⧼thumbs_response⧽
- Respect their relationships. Don't try to break two people up because you like them. You will lose a friend in the process.⧼thumbs_response⧽
References
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