How to Know if I've Been Ghosted

Co-authored by Sarah Schewitz, PsyD and Aly Rusciano

Last Updated: June 4, 2022 References

You’re talking to someone one second, and the next—poof, they’re gone. This unfortunate magic trick is called ghosting, and you’re not alone in experiencing it. People ghost for many reasons, and we’ve got all the answers you need to why they’ve gone silent. In this article, we’ll tell you how to know you’re being ghosted and what you can do to move on.

Section 1 of 5:

Early Warning Signs that You’re Being Ghosted

1
They take a long time to respond. It could take a potential ghoster days to get back to you. This could be a sign that they’re starting to step back and detach themselves from the relationship. For them, it’s a test to see if they’ll be able to stop talking with you completely.^{[1]
X
Research source}
- If it takes them days and possibly even weeks to respond to your messages, it may be time to move on.
- Even if someone eventually responds, it doesn’t necessarily mean they’re committed to the relationship.
2
They wait for you to start the conversation. Perhaps you’re talking on the phone when you suddenly find yourself sitting in silence—eyes wandering, waiting for them to say something. Their silence is their way of saying they’re not interested. Try starting up a lively conversation, or take a deep breath and ask them if something’s wrong.^{[2]
X
Research source}
- Another example would be sending a paragraph of text only to get a one- or two-word response back.^{[3]
  X
  Research source}
- All in all, when you care about someone, you make sure to put the effort in. And if they don’t give you the time you rightfully deserve, they’re not worth it.
Advertisement
3
They stick to impersonal, one-worded responses. If someone’s thinking about ghosting you, they’ll ask less and less about your life and avoid telling you about theirs. Conversation forms relationship bonds, and a ghoster will try to step as far away from that as possible. By keeping to themselves, they can avoid being empathetic.^{[4]
X
Research source}
- Relationships aren’t one-way streets, and you deserve respect.
- You can try probing them with get-to-know-you questions, but sometimes walking away can help you move on faster.^{[5]
  X
  Research source}
4
They cancel plans and give excuses. If someone’s ghosting you, they’ll try to justify getting out of everything. Maybe they claim they have other plans or need to visit a family member or friend. The easiest thing for them is to avoid you, even though that could be the hardest thing for you.^{[6]
X
Research source}
- Try not to blame yourself for their cancellations. You’re amazing inside and out, and ghosting you is their loss!

Section 2 of 5:

How do I know if I’ve been ghosted?

1
They haven’t contacted you in at least 3 days. Some ghosters think disappearing is a kinder way to end a relationship. They factor in the time they’ve put into the relationship, and they may come to the conclusion that disappearing is best.^{[7]
X
Research source} In most situations, if you haven’t heard from someone even after contacting them repeatedly, they’ve ghosted you.
2
They won’t respond to your messages or calls. A telling sign that you’ve been ghosted is if you can’t get in contact with them. No matter how you reach out or for how long, you don’t hear back. This, unfortunately, is normal ghosting behavior as the ghoster believes it’s better if they just disappear.^{[8]
X
Research source}
3
They go silent on social media. If you’re constantly messaging on social media or sending funny posts back and forth, all of that will change if they ghost you. No more liking posts, tagging you in silly pictures, or responding to your DMs.^{[9]
X
Research source}

Section 3 of 5:

What is ghosting?

Ghosting is the abrupt end of a relationship without explanation. Basically, a once close friend, partner, or even colleague stops all forms of communication—not answering your calls, messages, or social media comments. They disappear without warning from your daily life as if they’ve become a ghost.^{[10]
X
Research source}

Section 4 of 5:

Why do people ghost?

1
They want to avoid confrontation and responsibility. Many people ghost their friends, partners, or colleagues so that they don’t have to face a difficult situation. For them, it’s easier to back out altogether and disappear than be in the middle of a disagreement.^{[11]
X
Research source}
2
They’re afraid of commitment. If someone’s anxious about the relationship or scared of commitment, they may turn to ghosting. By disappearing altogether, they’re able to avoid a face-to-face breakup and encountering a rather uncomfortable situation.^{[12]
X
Research source}
- This might seem like the only breakup option for many who suffer from social anxiety.
3
They only know how to break up through ghosting. For some people, ghosting is all they know. Perhaps they’ve been ghosted before, and they feel like it’s an acceptable way to end things. Ghosting, in their eyes, might be a way for them to detach completely, and they may find it easier for both parties if they just vanish.^{[13]
X
Research source}
- If you've only been on one date with someone, they might think it's no big deal to ghost you because they're not interested. It's best to just forget them.

Section 5 of 5:

What to Do & How to Move On

1
Avoid blaming yourself. You are not in the wrong if someone ghosts you. It can be easy to start doubting yourself, but rather than asking, “What’s wrong with me?”, identify and build your self-worth. Ghosting is confusing and oftentimes humiliating, but knowing that you’re worth more than a silent goodbye is powerful.^{[14]
X
Research source}
- Process your emotions by journaling or talking to someone you trust. Sometimes getting your words out into the universe can help lift a weight off your shoulders.
2
Reach out to them. Sometimes, there’s something much bigger going on. A person may not even realize they're hurting you. Extend a hand because you and your relationship may just be the tip of the iceberg. This is a great way to get closure to help you decide your next move.^{[15]
X
Research source}
- Try sending a text like, “Hey, I’m not sure what happened between us, but I’d really like some closure. I’d like to see things from your perspective.”
3
Stay active on social media. If you’ve been ghosted on all social platforms, show them that their avoidance doesn’t bother you. Keep living your best life and doing everything as you normally would because they don’t rule your life.
- There’s always a slim chance that a ghoster will pop back up and apologize.^{[16]
  X
  Research source}
- If this happens, do what you think is best. Follow your heart because you’re the only one who knows what you’re truly feeling.
4
Confront them. If they keep canceling plans or making excuses, call them out on it. Try giving them the benefit of the doubt, and let them explain why they’ve been ignoring you. An open discussion can help you understand your partner better or give you the closure you need to move on. Be direct by saying something like:^{[17]
X
Research source}
- “Are you avoiding me?”
- “I thought your friend was going out of town.”
- “Why don’t you want to hang out anymore?”
5
Ask for closure. If you’ve been ghosted after a long relationship, try reaching out to get some much-needed answers. You deserve more than a silent goodbye after months or even years of partnership, so don’t be afraid to speak up—you’re worth it. Consider sending one of these messages:
- “Hey, I don’t know why you’re not talking to me anymore. I’d appreciate having a conversation to get some closure.”
- “I think I deserve more than a silent goodbye. Can we talk about what happened between us?”
- “Hi! I haven’t heard from you in a few days, and I think our relationship deserves more than a ghost ending. I think some closure would be good for both of us.”
6
Shrug it off. Ghosting after a first date is rather typical. When someone’s in the dating scene, sending a follow-up text isn’t always the first thing on their mind, especially if there’s only been one date. Disappearing after one date is simply them saying, “I’m not really interested.” In this instance, you can brush it off and keep moving—their loss!
- There’s no harm in sending a follow-up text if you need verbal disclosure. A ghoster may not respond, but it’s always worth a shot if it’ll help you feel better.

Expert Q&A

Question

What's a good way to respond if someone's ghosting you?

Sarah Schewitz, PsyD
Licensed Psychologist
Sarah Schewitz, Psy.D. is a licensed clinical psychologist by the California Board of Psychology with over 10 years of experience. She received her Psy.D. from the Florida Institute of Technology in 2011. She is the founder of Couples Learn, an online psychology practice helping couples and individuals improve and change their patterns in love and relationships.

Sarah Schewitz, PsyD

Licensed Psychologist

Expert Answer

If you only saw them once or twice, it's best to just forget about them. If you dated for a while, text or call them and ask for a final conversation. Say something like, "I thought we were really clicking. I'd really appreciate a final conversation so I can get some closure."