Who's Your Boyfriend Texting? 11 Tips & Signs of Cheating

Co-authored by Kelli Miller, LCSW, MSW and Christopher M. Osborne, PhD

Last Updated: April 11, 2022

You’re in a tough spot here—you want to trust your boyfriend, but he’s been glued to his phone recently and you suspect he’s been secretly texting someone. You really want to find out, so how should you go about it? We’ve compiled a full list of options for you to consider, from low-tech observation to high-tech snooping. We’ve also included helpful advice on dealing with what you do (or don’t) find out.

1

Observe his behavior to pick up suspicious cues.

Is he acting more secretive or strange while texting? If not—that is, if he’s texting casually while you’re nearby—then it’s unlikely that he’s texting a secret flame. But here are some cues that you should be more concerned about:^{[1]
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- He leaves the room when he gets a text, or to send one.
- He hides his phone instead of just leaving it lying around when he’s not using it.
- He seems more nervous or edgy while texting. He may have trouble looking you in the eye.
- He gets unusually defensive if you ask something like “Whatcha doing” or “Who texted?”
- He’s showing unusual non-texting behaviors as well, like not answering your calls and being much more secretive about where he’s going and what he’s doing.

2

Evaluate your suspicions before pursuing them.

Make sure you have good reasons to think he’s cheating. Imagine an outside observer evaluating the situation. Would they be suspicious of your boyfriend based on the evidence? Are there things you’re interpreting as suspicious that the outsider would not?^{[2]
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- For example, texting a lot isn’t necessarily suspicious on its own. There are lots of work, school, or family reasons why this might happen.
- Similarly, him being private about who he’s texting doesn’t absolutely have to be a red flag. He may just be a really private person.
- Typically, it’s more useful to look for changes in behavior as suspicious. If he’s gone from texting rarely to doing it all the time (without any obvious reason for it), that might be a legit reason for suspicion.

3

Have an honest conversation about your concerns.

Share your feelings, but don’t accuse him without evidence. Use “I” statements (such as “I feel like…”) to focus on how his perceived changes in behavior and texting habits have impacted you. Ask if you can work together on being more open with each other so the relationship can grow stronger.
- You might start like this: “I feel like you’ve been spending a lot more time on your phone texting while we’re hanging out, and it makes me feel like we’re growing more distant from each other.”
- You could also say: "Hey, I'm having some fears about what's going on outside our relationship. Can we talk about this?"
- Pick a good time to talk, when you’re both calm and not distracted, but don’t try to wait for a perfect time to talk.
- If he gets really defensive or refuses to consider your feelings and your thoughts about growing the relationship, you may want to reconsider whether he’s really boyfriend material.

4

Sneak a peek over his shoulder while he’s texting.

Be discreet so it’s not obvious that you’re snooping. While he’s sitting on the couch texting, for example, walk behind the couch a little more slowly than usual and take a quick look. Try to pick up as much information as you can as quickly as you can. If you linger too long, it’ll be obvious that you’re snooping and you’ll have to explain yourself.
- As another option, you might be able to position yourself so you can see his screen in a mirror—but this only works if you have a knack for reading backwards!
- If you do get busted and don’t see any obvious evidence, this might be a good time to have the “honest conversation” mentioned above.
- Keep in mind that your boyfriend may get genuinely upset here. This is where you start to step over the line between honest observation and dishonest snooping.

5

Check his phone while he’s away from it or asleep.

You’ll have to know his passcode for this to be useful. You might get his passcode by snooping on him or just be able to guess it. But, even if he has shared his passcode with you, you need to realize that this is a definite violation of his privacy.
- If he catches you in the act, there’s a chance your relationship will end, even if there’s nothing to find on his phone.
- If you do find proof that he’s cheating, you’ll have to admit to some dishonest dealing on your part if you confront him about it.

6

Log into a linked device that shows his text messages.

He probably won’t mind you borrowing his iPad or Chromebook. There’s a decent chance that your boyfriend has a linked device that shows his text messages, and that he won’t be so protective of it as of his phone. So, ask to play some games on his tablet or do some homework on his netbook, then snoop around while he’s not paying attention.
- iPad: If he doesn’t already have text message forwarding set up on his iPad (or Mac), you’ll have to briefly get access to his phone to change the settings. See https://support.apple.com/en-us/HT208386.
- Chromebook: Here again, if he doesn’t already have his phone linked to his Chromebook, you’ll have to get brief access to both in order to link the devices and set up the Messages app. See https://support.google.com/chromebook/answer/9212313?hl=en.

7

Look into other messaging apps he might be using.

He might not be just texting openly if he’s cheating. Maybe, for instance, he exchanges typical work, school, or friendly texts with the person he’s cheating on you with, but uses a more secretive messaging app for his incriminating conversations. It’s not “smoking gun” evidence if you find a common “cheating app” like Telegram, Viber, Silence, etc., on his phone, but it should further raise your suspicions.
- Actually getting access to the messages in one of these cheating apps isn’t easy. You’ll either have to know passwords he definitely doesn’t want you to know or have some big-time hacking skills.

8

Install a spy app on his phone—but think it through first.

Keep in mind that you could be breaking the law here. There are numerous spy apps that can give you remote access to your boyfriend’s phone activity—all it takes is a quick internet search to find them. But, remember that even if the apps themselves are legal, secretly installing them on your boyfriend’s phone so you can monitor his activity may not be.
- Using one of these apps to monitor your boyfriend’s texts may be considered wiretapping, which is a felony in all 50 U.S. states.^{[3]
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- Even if this doesn’t end up being illegal, this is a “nuclear option” that’s likely to blow up the relationship whether you find anything or not.

9

Ask a friend to do the snooping for you.

A mutual friend may not arouse as much suspicion as you. In other words, your boyfriend may not think too much about a friend glancing over his shoulder or asking to borrow his phone. Of course, asking a friend to spy for you is a “big ask,” so don’t be surprised if they say no.
- Keep in mind that it’s just as ethically questionable (and potentially illegal) for a friend to do the snooping as it is for you to do it.
- If you’re not willing to go this far, just tell your friend about your suspicions and ask if they’ve heard or noticed anything suspicious. Even here they may not want to get involved, so don’t try to pressure them into it.

10

Confront him with the evidence or just end things.

It may be easier to break up without bringing up his cheating. This is especially true if you used ethically questionable (or even illegal) means to get the evidence. Just tell him you don’t see a future, you’ve grown apart, or some other common reason for breaking up.
- Talking about what he did may feel better to you, especially if you've been together for a while. When you confront him, do so in a calm and composed fashion. Segue quickly into ending the relationship, again calmly and matter-of-factly. Or, if you’ve decided you want to try to patch things up, talk plainly about what needs to change for the relationship to continue.

11

Drop the matter (maybe) if you find no evidence.

Trust your instincts on the best way to proceed here. A lack of evidence doesn’t necessarily prove nothing’s going on, but remaining highly suspicious despite the lack of evidence is not ideal for you or the relationship. It's a sign that something is definitely wrong, even if your boyfriend isn't cheating. Evaluate the situation and pursue one of the following options:
- Consider the case closed and move on. When you start to feel suspicious, remind yourself that you looked into the matter as best you could and didn’t find anything.
- Confess to him that you spied on him. This can be really hard to do, especially if you resorted to dishonest (or possibly illegal) snooping. It may end the relationship, but it also may be what your conscience demands of you.
- Keep searching for evidence. This isn’t likely to be good for the relationship, but if you’re still really suspicious, it may be what you feel you need to do.
- Talk to him about ways you can build your relationship. You might work on reducing texting time while together, having regular conversation times, sharing your feelings more openly, and so on.

Expert Q&A

Question

Can a relationship survive cheating?

Kelli Miller, LCSW, MSW
Psychotherapist
Kelli Miller is a Psychotherapist based in Los Angeles, California. Kelli specializes in individual and couples therapy focusing on relationships, depression, anxiety, sexuality, communication, parenting, and more. Kelli also facilitates groups for those struggling with alcohol and drug addiction as well as anger management groups. She is the author of “Professor Kelli’s Guide to Finding a Husband” and the award-winning and best-selling book “Thriving with ADHD”. Kelli co-hosted an advice show on LA Talk Radio and is a relationship expert for The Examiner. She received her MSW (Masters of Social Work) from the University of Pennsylvania and a BA in Sociology/Health from the University of Florida.

Kelli Miller, LCSW, MSW

Psychotherapist

Expert Answer

Yes! After cheating, the betrayed partner will likely experience a lot of sadness, anger, and grief. Despite this, it's definitely possible to rebuild trust and come back stronger. You could decide to fix what was missing from your relationship that contributed to the choice to cheat. It's really helpful to work with a couple's counselor who can help you communicate and process what happened.