How to Keep a Man Interested

Co-authored by Chloe Carmichael, PhD and Amy Bobinger

Last Updated: June 18, 2019 References Approved

So the man you like is showing you signs that he's interested in you? Congratulations! That's half the battle! Now you want to know how to keep him interested. If he's a good fit for you, it shouldn't take much effort to keep him around.

Method 1

Method 1 of 4:

Highlighting Your Personality

1
Be confident. Guys love it when their partner is confident and bold. Take good care of yourself, and make an effort to look as good as you feel. Focus on the things that make you special, and emphasize those qualities.^{[1]
X
Research source}
2
Tell him when you appreciate the things he does. Don’t take him for granted. Let him know you really love how he stays calm in stressful situations, or that you especially appreciated that he cleaned the kitchen after he made dinner. Even if he doesn’t say anything, this will make him feel good about himself.^{[2]
X
Research source}
3
Stay independent. You don’t want to lose yourself in a relationship, and you don’t want him to lose himself either. If you both stay independent by continuing to participate in your hobbies and spending time with your friends, you’ll have more to talk about and you’ll both respect each other more in the long run.^{[3]
X
Research source}
4
Surprise him with things he likes. As the two of you are getting to know each other better, make sure to ask him questions about what he likes. When he talks about that one thing that really makes his eyes light up, take note and try to find out more. Then, surprise him with a gift that shows you were listening, like a tee time at that ultra-exclusive golf course he mentioned.^{[4]
X
Research source}
5
Make him feel like a man. Making your guy feel like a big, strong man doesn’t mean you have to pretend to be weak. Build him up by giving him compliments that make him feel good about himself, or let him be chivalrous by holding the door open for you. When you boost his ego, he’ll want to spend more time around you.^{[5]
X
Research source}
6
Keep flirting with him. Flirting doesn’t have to stop just because you start dating. In fact, it’s more important than ever to keep doing the cute, flirty things that got him interested. Playfully touch him on the arm, brush up against him while you’re doing dishes together, or give him that look that lets him know you’re thinking of more than just what movie to watch.^{[6]
X
Research source}
7
Match his commitment level. If he’s just coming around to the idea of being exclusive, you probably shouldn’t be shopping for monogrammed towels. This can make him feel overwhelmed and he’ll likely back away. If he’s sending mixed signals, back off and let him come to you.^{[7]
X
Research source}

Method 2

Method 2 of 4:

Avoiding Common Pitfalls

1
Don’t play hard to get too long. It’s fine to be a little mysterious to keep your guy curious about you, but let him know you’re interested. Playing games isn’t a good way to start a long-lasting relationship, and he might lose interest if he has to work too hard to get your attention.^{[8]
X
Research source}

EXPERT TIP

Chloe Carmichael, PhD
Relationship Expert
Chloe Carmichael, PhD is a Licensed Clinical Psychologist who runs a private practice in New York City. With over a decade of psychological consulting experience, Dr. Chloe specializes in relationship issues, stress management, self esteem, and career coaching. She has also instructed undergraduate courses at Long Island University and has served as adjunct faculty at the City University of New York. Dr. Chloe completed her PhD in Clinical Psychology at Long Island University in Brooklyn, New York and her clinical training at Lenox Hill Hospital and Kings County Hospital. She is accredited by the American Psychological Association and is the author of “Nervous Energy: Harness the Power of Your Anxiety” and “Dr. Chloe's 10 Commandments of Dating.”

Chloe Carmichael, PhD
Relationship Expert

Understand the difference between being cautious and playing coy. Dr. Chloe Carmichael, a therapist and relationship coach, says: "It's important to distinguish between playing hard to get and being hard to get. I'm not an advocate of playing games, but I do advise a person to be sincerely cautious before they commit themselves. This can help you ease into a relationship, rather than falling into one."
2
Be yourself. You should never pretend to be someone you're not just to get a guy to like you. Eventually, he'll discover if you're being dishonest. Be yourself, and don't try to change to be who you think he wants. If he doesn't like it, move on to someone who will.^{[9]
X
Research source}
- Even if something seems small, be honest. It might not seem like a big deal to tell him you've always been a fan of his favorite football team, but when your mom casually mentions how much you hate football, he'll respect you less.
- If a man tells you he thinks you should change how you wear your hair, quit the job you love, or stop hanging out with your friends, he might not like you for who you are.
3
Don’t act jealous of his female friends. You want a guy who’s comfortable around women, right? If you expect him to get along with your female bestie, you should take it as a good sign if he already has female friends. If he wanted to date them, he probably would be already. Instead of acting jealous, do your best to make friends with them too. He’ll appreciate the effort.^{[10]
X
Research source}
4
Don’t be clingy. Nobody wants to feel like their partner is insecure, so avoid clingy behavior. For instance, don’t demand that your man engage in public displays of affection, especially if he’s uncomfortable with it. Don’t blow up his phone if you don’t hear from him for a while — he’s likely just busy and he’ll be annoyed when he sees he has 18 missed calls from you.^{[11]
X
Research source}

Method 3

Method 3 of 4:

Keeping Him Sexually Interested

1
Wait until the timing is right to have sex. This is different for every couple, so just see what happens naturally. If you jump right into a sexual relationship before you know each other very well, he might not see the two of you as having a serious future. On the other hand, if you both really like each other and he’s showing signs of wanting a relationship, you might find yourselves heading to the bedroom sooner rather than later.^{[12]
X
Research source}
- You should wait to start a sexual relationship until you both feel comfortable with each other.
2
Tell him when something feels good. Make sure your man feels like a stud in the bedroom by letting him know that you like what he does. Tell him when he does something that feels good or you like his attitude. Carry that mood outside of the bedroom by complimenting his manliness.^{[13]
X
Research source}
- Never tease or criticize him about his bedroom performance. You wouldn’t want it done to you, and men tend to be especially sensitive about their sexual prowess.
3
Initiate sex at least some of the time. If you want to really get him fired up, be the first one to suggest doing the deed every so often. Try to find times when he’s not expecting it. If you feel shy, you don’t even have to say anything. Just take him by the hand, give him a sexy smile, and gently tug him towards the bedroom until he gets the idea. ^{[14]
X
Research source}
- If you're in the mood, say something like "I've been thinking all day about having your hands on me." If you don't have a lot of time, ask him if he wants to have a quickie during halftime or before work. No matter how you say it, he'll be excited that you made the first move.
4
Make your sex life a priority no matter how busy your life gets. As you settle into a relationship, all kinds of distractions start to crowd in. If you eventually have kids together, that becomes even more true. Try to set the mood ahead of time to really enhance the moment. Schedule a romantic date night, send him sexy texts during the day, or set your alarm a little earlier so you have time for a morning quickie.^{[15]
X
Research source}
5
Don't ever let anyone pressure you into having sex if you don't want to. Sex is only fun if both parties are fully into it. If you don't want to have sex, whether it's the first time or you're in a long-term relationship, say no and stick to it. No one should ever pressure you into sex.^{[16]
X
Research source}

Method 4

Method 4 of 4:

Maintaining Interest after an Argument

1
Pick your battles. Don't start an argument every time he leaves his socks on the floor. Focus on what you like about him, rather than the things he does that annoy you. If he sees that you don't start arguments over petty issues, he'll be more likely to listen when you have a problem you want to talk about.^{[17]
X
Research source}
2
Try to resolve issues calmly. Try to have a conversation rather than an argument. Remember that this is a person you care about, and you’re both working to build a life together. If a tense issue comes up that you need to talk about, try to have a mature discussion where you both are able to explain how you feel.^{[18]
X
Research source}
- If an issue seems important enough to bring up, try to find the right time to mention it. Pick a time when you're both free of other distractions so you can focus on each other.
- Start the conversation with a positive statement about your partner, then follow with what's bothering you. Try saying, "I love that you're so excited about your new phone, but I feel a little frustrated that you didn't think you should talk to me before buying something that cost so much."
- If an argument starts to escalate, keep your tone of voice calm and use positive statements to cool things down. Say things like "I respect your independence; I just want to feel included in big decisions" or "You're usually very considerate so this surprised me."
3
Take a break if things get out of hand. You might have a valid point to make, but a big factor in how much of it he’ll listen to has to do with how you say it. If you can feel your emotions getting the best of you, take a 20-minute break, then come back and finish your discussion. Go for a walk or take a drive in your car, then come back and talk about it.^{[19]
X
Research source}
4
Don't stockpile your problems. Hanging on to hurt feelings can build up, and then when you argue you let it all out. Instead of dealing with one issue, you're arguing about several different things, and there's no way to actually fix them. Talk about problems as they come up. If there are a lot of unresolved issues in your relationship, you might need to evaluate whether you're with the right person.^{[20]
X
Research source}
5
Don’t drag fights out. Everyone argues once in awhile, but do your best to let it go as quickly as possible. It’s usually when emotions are running high that someone will feel the need to get that last hurtful jab in. Avoid hurt feelings (and possibly damaging your relationship for good) by allowing the argument to die down quickly.^{[21]
X
Research source}
- Keep in mind that you don't always have to get the last word. To have a healthy relationship, sometimes you have to be willing to "lose" an argument. Once you've expressed your thoughts, let the conversation go. If you stay calm, he's more likely to think about what you had to say.
6
Repair the relationship as soon as possible. When you’re arguing, you might feel like the two of you have completely lost touch with each other. Reconnect with each other as soon as possible, even if you’re both still feeling a little tender. Use humor or say something caring to break the mood. Try to find something you can do together to get back on the same page, like watching a movie.^{[22]
X
Research source}