How to Have a Successful Relationship

Co-authored by Allen Wagner, MFT, MA

Last Updated: April 29, 2021

Love is important, but for a relationship to be successful in the long run, it needs more than mere feelings of love. Both you and your partner will need to work on yourselves and your relationship.

Part 1

Part 1 of 3:

Evaluate Your Chances of Success

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Compare values.^{[1]
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Research source} Your core values guide the way you approach life and love. Compare your own values to those held by your partner. If these core values differ too drastically, your lifestyles might be too incompatible to work out in the long-term.
- Take all major values into consideration, including your faith, social beliefs, and plans for the future. For instance, if you definitely want to have kids but your partner is definitely against it, a successful relationship might be improbable.
- You'll also need to compare financial values. Consider the way you and your partner spend money. Once you share your finances, you need to be able to agree on how to spend and save money.
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Ask yourself if your partner is trustworthy. Trusting your partner is important, but you should only extend trust to a partner who deserves it. To that end, you should evaluate whether or not your current partner is actually worth trusting.
- Consider past experience. Ask yourself if your partner has been dependable and consistently supportive. A partner that has a history of breaking your trust may not be worth trusting anymore.
- If your partner has proven his or her trustworthiness but you still have difficulty feeling trust, the issue might lie with you. There might be some unrelated cause making it difficult for you to trust, and you will need to address that issue before you can build a lasting relationship with your partner.
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Consider which "you" is present in the relationship. Different people will naturally draw different sides of your personality to the forefront. It will be much easier to maintain a successful relationship with someone who naturally draws out your positive attributes.
- Essentially, you need to ask yourself if you're happy with who you are in the relationship. If this relationship makes you feel insecure, for instance, it might not be healthy to maintain, even if your partner isn't intentionally drawing out that side of you.
- If you're unhappy with who you are in the context of the relationship, you might be able to work through your problems with the help of your partner or a professional therapist. You will need to determine whether or not the issue is something that can be resolved on a case by case basis.
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Examine your ability to deal with conflict. Consider how you and your partner deal with conflicts, both within your relationship and outside of it. While there will always be room for improvement, you at least need some current foundation for healthy conflict resolution if you want the relationship to last.
- Successful couples are able to confront problems and resolve them. If you hold grudges with one another, avoid conflict altogether, or shut down emotionally after an argument, you will need to improve the way you deal with conflict if you want the relationship to continue.
- Similarly, when external problems arise, you and your partner need to be able to support each other. Drawing together will make your relationship more successful, but being pulled apart is a bad sign.

Part 2

Part 2 of 3:

Nurture Love and Devotion

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Become equals. Both you and your partner must look at one another as equals. You must both admit that the two of you are equally deserving of love, respect, and devotion. If one partner is less committed than the other, the relationship won't be able to last long.
- If you aren't willing to return a favor, don't ask for it. For instance, if you want to spend a night out with your friends, you also need to let your partner spend a night out with his or her own friends.
- Divide your shared responsibilities evenly, as well. Split household chores evenly and give each other equal voices when you make decisions that affect both of you.
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Express love for one another. You should express your love through both words and actions. Work with your partner to find the right balance for your relationship.^{[2]
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- Saying "I love you" is important, even if you frequently express your love through your actions. Actions speak louder than words, but there are times when words still speak more clearly.
- Demonstrate your love through small acts of physical intimacy and appreciation. For instance, hold hands with your partner as you walk down the street or surprise your partner with a small gift to show that you've been thinking of him or her.
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Respect each other. Respect is just as essential as love within a relationship. If the two of you are unable to respect each other as human beings, the bond between you will crumble apart.^{[3]
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- Accept your partner for who he or she is. Instead of trying to change your partner, accept your partner's weaknesses and focus on your his or her strengths.
- You also need to make sure that both you and your partner respect you. Address your partner's needs, but don't prioritize them over your own.
EXPERT TIP

Allen Wagner, MFT, MA
Marriage & Family Therapist
Allen Wagner is a licensed marriage and family therapist based in Los Angeles, California. He received his Master's in Psychology from Pepperdine University in 2004. He specializes in working with individuals and couples on ways they can improve their relationships. Along with his wife, Talia Wagner, he's the author of Married Roommates.

Allen Wagner, MFT, MA
Marriage & Family Therapist

Respect is the most important ingredient of a lasting relationship. Marriage and family therapist Allen Wagner says: "If you don't respect your partner or you don't feel they carry their weight, you'll end up criticizing your partner more than validating them, and you'll both be unhappy. When your partner feels safe and respected, and they feel that they have value and are irreplaceable, you'll both be a lot happier."
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Show support. You'll need to support each other at all times. Encourage each other when things get tough, and congratulate one another when things go well.
- Listen to your partner's complaints and interests. Offer advice when you can, but never underestimate the value of a shoulder to cry on, either.
- You also need to give your partner the opportunity to support you. Confess your likes, dislikes, fears, and dreams to your partner. Be as open about these things as possible.
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Improve all aspects of intimacy. Both emotional intimacy and physical intimacy are important in a relationship. You must feel an emotional connection to your partner that is just as strong as any physical attraction you feel.
- Spend time looking nice for one another. You can dress down most of the time, but on occasion, you should put a little extra effort into grooming yourself so your partner realizes how attracted you still are to him or her.
- Make sure that your romance is built on a solid friendship. You need to be able to share secrets, laughter, and tears with one another.
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Remain positive. People who possess positive attitudes generally tend to experience more success overall. This is true in nearly all areas of life, and your relationship is not an exception.
- Remain thankful for your relationship and try not to take any aspect of it for granted.
- Spend time encouraging positivity in the relationship, as well. Try to make positive statements to your partner at least five times as often as you state negative comments.
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Try new things together. To prevent things from feeling stale, the two of you should make it a point to occasionally share new experiences.
- Discuss different options you might want to pursue and take your individual personalities into consideration. There are some activities you know your partner won't enjoy even though you might, and vice versa. Avoid these activities when possible and focus on new experiences that might bring equal enjoyment to both of you.
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Make time for yourself. Even though you and your partner need to act as “one” in some sense, both of you are still your own individual persons. Nourish yourself as an individual so that you can be energized enough to nourish your relationship, as well.
- Spend time alone doing activities or hobbies your partner doesn't enjoy. Spend quiet time alone, too, and focus on meditating or relaxing.
- Stay connected to your own friends and family. It's great if your partner gets along with all of your other loved ones, but having your own social circle can be a good thing, too.^{[4]
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Part 3

Part 3 of 3:

Deal with Conflict

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Pick your battles. Two people in a relationship will always face disagreements, but some of these troubles are more serious than others. Fight the important battles and consider letting the insignificant ones drop.
- Ask yourself if the current disagreement has long-standing consequences. If it doesn't, it might be something worth dropping. If it does, you probably need to address it.
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Communicate openly and honestly. You should always communicate sincerely, but effective communication is especially important in the midst of an argument or other disagreement.
- Nobody can read minds. Instead of making your partner guess, directly state what it is that you need or want from your partner. You can only reach a solution once everything is out in the open.
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Empathize. Try putting yourself in your partner's shoes and thinking about his or her needs. When you learn to empathize with your partner's feelings, you may find yourself less angry and more willing to accommodate your partner's point of view.
- Everyone has shortcomings. Instead of viewing your partner's quirks as weaknesses, accept that these issues are simply part of your partner as a whole.
- Many flaws are connected to insecurities, so picking at them during an argument will usually be destructive. Aim for constructive conversation and criticism instead.
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Compromise. Give a little and take a little. Instead of thinking that the resolution of a disagreement must strictly match either your own ideals or your partner's ideals, try to reach an agreement that satisfies both of your perspectives.
- For example, if you get into an argument about how you spend your date nights, figure out a way to include an activity your partner enjoys as well as one that you enjoy. When this won't work, agree to let your partner plan the activity for one date night under the condition that you get to plan the activity for your next date night.
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Respond to problems proactively. When a problem arises in your relationship, think of ways to actively correct it instead of dwelling on the problem itself.
- For example, if the two of you don't spend any time together anymore, start scheduling time for your relationship. Plan dinner dates or look for activities that both of you might enjoy doing. Make a conscious effort to correct the problem instead of letting it fester.