How to Get a Girlfriend As a Loner

Co-authored by Eddy Baller

Last Updated: March 5, 2023 References

Even if you're a loner, you can still find a girlfriend. However, whether you're an introvert or just shy, you do need to be more social, just so you have a chance to meet people. You may also need to learn how to make small talk, as well as how to ask a girl on a date.

Part 1

Part 1 of 4:

Meeting People as a Loner

1
Put yourself out there more. As a loner, your tendency is likely to hole up at home, which means you don't have as much practice interacting with other people as social butterflies. The more you put yourself into social situations, the better you'll get at interacting with people.^{[1]
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2
Know your limits. Yes, you should try to socialize more. However, it's fine to stick to the types of gatherings you feel most comfortable in. For instance, you may find that you don't like loud, raging parties. On the other hand, you may find small parties, especially ones that include a couple of your friends, are more to your liking. Pick situations your comfortable in.

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3
Ask people to introduce you. If you feel like you're not meeting enough people, try asking someone you know to introduce you to someone new. This technique works very well in social gatherings where you may not want to run up to someone by yourself to start an introduction. Most people are happy to introduce you to someone else, especially if they know you're shy or introverted.^{[2]
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4
Try an activity where socializing isn't the main focus. That is, if you go to a party, you're there to socialize. If you go to a club meeting or hobby enthusiast group, your focus is on the issue or the hobby. You may find it's easier to socialize with a group of people when you have a topic to focus on and when the setting is a bit more rigid.^{[3]
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- Another activity you could use to meet people is volunteering.^{[4]
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  Research source} Try volunteering at your local library, food bank, or homeless shelter.
5
Talk to an extroverted friend. If you have a friend who's an extrovert, you can use his or her advice to help you understand how to interact in extrovert's world. One way you can use this person expertise is to propose different interactions you've found yourself in that puzzle you. Maybe an extrovert can help you talk your way through them.^{[5]
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Part 2

Part 2 of 4:

Making Small Talk

1
Pick several subjects. If you find you're often at a loss about what to talk about when you meet new people, try coming up with topics before a social gathering. You could pick something in the news (though you may want to skip anything too controversial), a book you've read recently, or a movie you've seen. You could also decide to talk about some of your favorite restaurants or your hobbies. Just try to pick something you think other people might have an interest in.
- Come up with several talking points for each topic ahead of time. That way, you know exactly how to respond if someone else brings the topic up.
2
Add details. When someone asks you a question, try to make your answer longer than a word or two. If you just answer "I'm okay," that doesn't give the other person any chance to respond. Instead, try something such as "I've been doing pretty well. I just got a new laser cutter machine at home, so I've been enjoying my time trying to figure out how it works."^{[6]
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Enunciate your words. Sometimes as a loner, you may find that people don't always hear or understand what you're saying. Introverts and shy people naturally tend to speak more softly or sometimes even mumble their words. If you find yourself in a conversation where a person is constantly asking you to repeat yourself, trying slowing down and enunciating your words more. You may not even need to speak louder, just more distinctly.
4
Get past your feelings of awkwardness. Many shy or introverted people feel a bit awkward in groups. It's fairly normal, in fact. Nonetheless, you should forge ahead. Over time, social interactions may come to feel less awkward for you, and anyway, you shouldn't let those feelings stop you from interacting with people, if that's your desire.^{[7]
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- If you're having trouble working up the nerve, try reducing your stress first. For instance, you can try a short meditation before you approach someone. Find a quiet place, and take a moment to focus on your breathing. Try counting to four as you breath in through your nose and to four again as you breath out through your mouth. Focus on your breathing until you feel some of your anxiety calming down.
- Another way you can help yourself is to decide what you're going to say before you approach the person. That way, you are prepared ahead of time. However, try not to think about what you shouldn't say, as it may pop out of your mouth.

Part 3

Part 3 of 4:

Showing Your Interest

1
Smile and make eye contact. Smiling invites the other person into the conversation. It says, "I think you're interesting, and I want to talk with you some more." If you can make eye contact with the person, even better. Eye contact shows you're listening and that you are engaged in the conversation.
2
Ask the girl about herself. People enjoy talking about themselves. Therefore, to strike up a conversation with a girl, start asking about herself. You can ask about her hobbies, her job, her interests, what she likes to read, and what shows she likes to watch. You can also ask about her family and pets.
3
Listen attentively. When the girl your interested in is talking, be sure to listen attentively. It may be tempting to think about what you want to say next, but it's more important to actually hear what she has to say.
- One way you can show you're listening is to offer short summaries of what you hear her saying, such as, "That's awesome that you have two cats. I wish I wasn't allergic."
- Another way to show you're listening is to ask relevant follow-up questions.
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Focus on getting to know each other. If you're only trying to get her to like you, you'll most likely fail. Instead, your goal should be to learn about her and let her learn some things about you.^{[8]
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Be yourself. That is, you don't want to act like someone you're not (say an extrovert) just to catch a girl. Your true colors will come out in the relationship. In addition, you want the girl to be attracted to who you are. Loners have attractive qualities, too.
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Offer compliments.^{[9]
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Research source} Compliments make a person feel good about themselves. Offer genuine compliments to the girl you want to date. These compliments don't always need to focus on looks. In fact, it may be better if they don't since it shows you can look deeper. Try something along the lines of, "You seem like a really happy person, and it shows in the way you carry yourself."

Part 4

Part 4 of 4:

Making a Move and Dating

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Ask her on a date indirectly. If you're not confident enough to ask her outright, try making a suggestion. Allude to plans you have over the weekend, suggesting that she be a part of them. How strong you make the suggestion is up to you.^{[10]
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- As an example, you could say, "What do you have going on Friday night?" She may say "Nothing much" or "I was thinking about going to a concert, but I can't make up my mind." You can say, "Well, I'm going to see this awesome throw-back movie playing downtown. Have you ever seen Singing in the Rain?"
2
Ask her advice. Another way to ask her on a date is to ask her advice about a good place to eat. Alternatively, you could ask about any interesting events going on in town. Either way, the point is to get her to answer and then suggest you go together.^{[11]
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- For instance, you could say, "Have you heard about any fun events going on this weekend?" In turn, she might say, "Oh, I heard there was a folk festival on the south side of town." You could say, "That sounds fun! Maybe we should go together."
- If she says no, accept it, and move on. You can always meet someone else.
3
Develop your friendship. When dating, it's important to focus on becoming friends with the girl, not just on moving towards intimacy. That is, try to learn about her as a person. Find out what excites her and what she both loves and hates. Ask what she'd like to do in the future. Learn what her hopes and dreams are.^{[12]
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Find common interests. As you date, try to find things you enjoy doing together. Over time, you'll find that your shared interests are making your relationship stronger.^{[13]
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- For instance, try taking a cooking class together, or learn how to fly fish if you both like the outdoors.

Expert Q&A

Question

How do you ask a girl for her number if you're shy?

Connell Barrett
Dating Coach
Connell Barrett is a Relationship Expert and the Founder and Executive Coach of Dating Transformation in New York City. Connell has over five years of experience as an international coach who helps men connect with women by unlocking their best, true, most confident selves. He is the author of the Amazon bestseller “Dating Sucks but You Don’t,” and has appeared on Good Morning America, the "Today" show, Access Hollywood, and in Best Life, Cosmopolitan, and The Oprah Magazine. In 2019 he was named Datezie.com's “New York City’s Best Male Dating Coach."

Connell Barrett

Dating Coach

Expert Answer

Approach her with a compliment! Say something like "I've really enjoyed talking to you! You're really funny and witty, and I'd love to talk to you some more. Can we trade numbers?"
Question

What do women find unattractive?

Eddy Baller
Dating Coach
Eddy Baller is a Dating Coach and the Owner of a dating consulting and coaching service, Conquer and Win, based in Vancouver, Canada. Coaching since 2011, Eddy specializes in confidence building, advanced social skills, and relationships. Conquer and Win helps men worldwide have the love lives they deserve. His work has been featured in The Art of Manliness, LifeHack, and POF among others.

Eddy Baller

Dating Coach

Expert Answer

Guys who go out of their way to be people-pleasers or "yes-men" tend to be undesirable to women. Think of the image of a guy taking his jacket off and throwing it on a puddle so the woman can walk across it—nobody really likes that. It's a nice thing for romantic stories, but it doesn't really apply in real life since women want somebody who has some courage.

Warnings

If you find you really don't want to be around people at all, consider see a therapist or psychiatrist. These professionals can help you work through your problems, and they will be able to see if you have any underlying psychological issues that need to be addressed.

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