How to Get Your Friends to Trust You

Co-authored by Amy Wong

Last Updated: October 19, 2020 References Approved

Being trustworthy is one of the best ways to be a true friend and gain enduring friendships. Show your trustworthiness by telling the truth and being reliable in your friendships. Support your friends and be there for them when they need you. If you break a friend's trust, learn from your mistakes and make amends.

Part 1

Part 1 of 3:

Demonstrating that You are Trustworthy

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Be honest.^{[1]
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Expert Source

Amy Wong
Leadership & Transformational Coach
Expert Interview. 30 April 2020.} Trust is hard to build if people don't think you are honest. If you say things to either get your way or to please others, pretty soon people will catch on. Get to know your thoughts and feelings and communicate them to others in a respectful way. Make your actions and words match.^{[2]
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- If you're going to be late or miss something, let the person know. Don't say you'll maybe be there if you can't make it.
- Be honest and genuine about your wants, likes, and dislikes and communicate them. For example, don't say you want to eat Chinese food to please your friend, then complain about not eating what you want.
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Show that you're reliable. If you back out of plans last minute, chances are people won't trust you to do things or won't feel like they can count on you. If you say you'll be somewhere, be there. If you say you'll help your friend, help your friend. Once people see you as reliable, they will begin to trust you and count on you.^{[3]
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- For example, if someone proposes plans, try not to waver on them too long. You might fear committing to plans, but show that you're reliable and say either yes or no.
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Treat your friends with respect. Respect goes a long way in building and maintaining trusting friendships. Treat people with dignity and as equals to yourself. How you treat others shows the kind of person you are and whether you're deserving of people's trust.^{[4]
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- For example, listen when people speak without speaking over them. Don't make everything about you.
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Avoid spreading rumors or lies. If you're known as a gossip or someone who spreads rumors, chances are nobody will trust you. Drop this habit and learn to speak to people and about people differently. If you're not sure about something, ask the person directly instead of spreading a rumor.
- People want to know that you will treat them well and not say mean things about them to others.
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Be kind to others. People notice when you look out for other people and offer to help. Treat people you know and don't know with kindness to make a safe environment for everyone.^{[5]
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Expert Source

Amy Wong
Leadership & Transformational Coach
Expert Interview. 30 April 2020.} Be polite and show up for your friends when they need you.^{[6]
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- For example, ask a friend if they need help moving or if they need a hug after a difficult day.
- Being a friend to someone who's in need can show that you're a worthwhile and trustworthy friend.
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Trust your friends. Trust isn't all or nothing; you must build trust over time and begin to see your friends as trustworthy as well. Give trust to your friends and you'll likely be trusted in return. Choose to see people as trustworthy instead of being suspicious or closed off.^{[7]
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- For example, notice when someone comes through on something they said they would do.
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Open up to your friends. Being vulnerable is an important part of friendship. By telling your friends your secrets, insecurities, and deepest thoughts, you are showing them that you trust them. In return, they may share their most intimate thoughts with you.^{[8]
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- It can be hard to open up at first. Start small. Talk about things that are important to you. When the time is right, share more about yourself.
- It is important that you do not judge or laugh at your friends when they open up to you. Good friends are nonjudgmental when their friend shares something important to them.

Part 2

Part 2 of 3:

Being Trustworthy with Your Friends' Feelings

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Give emotional support. Be willing to listen to your friends and give them support when they need it. Maybe a friend had a bad day or is going through a difficult breakup. Offer to listen and hear them out when they're struggling. Spend time with them and do things you know will help them feel better, like going on a walk or watching a movie together.^{[9]
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- Not everyone wants advice. Sometimes, people just want to talk and for you to listen. Ask your friends what they want from you so that you give them support in a way they appreciate it.
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Respect their privacy. Don't gossip about mutual friends or share private information. If your friend tells you something in confidence, don't go telling other people. Become the person your friends know they can count on to stay quiet and not gossip or share private details about their lives.
- Never give away secrets that your friends have told you. They may never trust you again. It may seem like the silliest secret, but it may be a big deal to your friend.
- Saying, “Sam told me not to tell anyone, so you have to promise to be quiet” isn't respecting your friend's privacy.
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Know when to be funny and know when to be serious. You might want to lighten to mood if something is serious, but there are times when it's best to take cues from your friends. Not every situation demands a funny person or a witty response.
- For example, if your friend is sad, focus on supporting them and not just trying to make them laugh or feel better. They may appreciate your friendship and support more than you trying to be funny.
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Stay away from blaming your friends. When you start pointing fingers or accusing your friends of wrongdoing, it demolishes trust quickly. If you make a mistake, own up to it. If your friend makes a mistake, listen to them and let them know how it made you feel.^{[10]
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- If you're upset about something your friend did, tell them, but do so respectfully. Use “I” statements to stay away from blame. For example, say, “I felt left out when you went to that concert and didn't invite me.”^{[11]
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Forgive them when they mess up. Conflicts or disagreements are inevitable in any relationship. If your friend does something that upsets you, you must find a way to forgive them if you want to continue being friends. Be willing to hear their side of the story without dismissing them. Avoid trying to get revenge or punishing them for their wrong. Instead, be willing to move past the event and forgive them.^{[12]
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- Forgiving someone doesn't mean you have to pretend something didn't happen or that you weren't hurt. It just means giving your friendship a chance to move forward after a setback.

Part 3

Part 3 of 3:

Rebuilding Broken Trust

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Apologize for any wrongdoing. Rebuilding trust often starts with you. If you've hurt somebody, apologize to them and tell them you've learned from your mistake. Keep the focus on you and don't put any blame on the other person.Taking ownership of your mistakes and explaining how you've learned from them will help them see that you take responsibility and feel bad for what happened.^{[13]
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- Be sincere in any apologies you make. If someone doesn't think you're sincere, they won't think you're trustworthy.
- When talking about a touchy subject, try use "I" statements instead of "you" statements. For example, say, "I am sorry that I didn't consider your feelings" instead of "you know that I didn't mean it." This will help you avoid blaming your friend.
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Make amends. If you can go out of your way to do something to show sincerity in your apology, do so. Apologizing through your actions may be more effective than just saying that you're sorry. For example, if you owe someone something, give the item back or pay them money. If your friends have lost trust in you being on time, make an effort to be timely and show that you're willing to put in effort to make things better.^{[14]
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- For example, if your friend tends to pay when you go to a movie or out to eat, start pick up the next few bills.
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Follow through on what you say. It's important to show that you'll do things better after you mess up. You must be responsible and reliable, especially in your words. To rebuild trust, take note of what went wrong and make the effort to be responsible in that way.^{[15]
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- For example, if you lost someone's trust by lying, make an effort to be honest with the person you lied to. Be accountable for your honesty and show that you can be honest over time.
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Ask what you can do to make things better. You may try apologizing or making amends, but the friend or friends may not be forgiving. If this happens, talk to your friends and ask how things can be different. If people don't see you as a trustworthy person, ask them what you can do to be better. They may be able to tell you what upset them most or what they'd like to see more of from you.
- Remember that it can take time for trust to build up again. If your friend is unwilling to make it work, however, realize that you might not be able to get back their trust.
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Trust yourself. It's difficult to gain back people's trust, but it can also be difficult to gain back your own trust. If you've made mistakes in the past (such as with relationships or addiction), it's time to forgive yourself and build your own trust. If you continue to struggle, make an appointment with a therapist to help you.^{[16]
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- For example, if you've struggled with impulsive decisions that have hurt yourself and others, take a few moments before making a decision.
- Notice when you follow through on things you say you will do and feel proud of yourself.

Expert Q&A
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Question

How can I convince someone to trust me?

Amy Wong
Communication Coach
Amy Eliza Wong is a Leadership and Transformational Coach and the Founder of Always on Purpose, a private practice for individuals and executives looking for help in increasing personal well-being and success and in transforming work cultures, developing leaders, and improving retention. With over 20 years of experience, Amy coaches one-on-one and conducts workshops and keynotes for businesses, medical practices, non-profits, and universities. Based in the San Francisco Bay Area, Amy is a regular instructor at Stanford Continuing Studies, holds an MA in Transpersonal Psychology from Sofia University, a certification in Transformational Life Coaching from Sofia University, and a certification in Conversational Intelligence from CreatingWE Institute.

Amy Wong

Communication Coach

Expert Answer

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People will be more likely to trust you if you're open and honest with them.