How to Get Your Ex Back Even if He Is Saying Never

Co-authored by Lisa Shield

Last Updated: January 28, 2023

Creating Space

|

Reconnecting

|

Making it Last

There’s nothing worse than feeling like you missed out on the chance to continue an amazing relationship. Whether you hurt your ex or he decided the relationship wasn’t right for him, you can still try to win him back even if he’s saying it’ll never happen. The key is to treat him with respect, not overwhelm him, and to remind him of what an amazing relationship you had—and to show him that things can be even more incredible if you got back together.

Part 1

Part 1 of 3:

Creating Space

1
Get some distance. Even if you’re determined to get your ex back right this second, you’ll need to step back to get a bit of distance and perspective first. One important reason to do this is that, if your ex is really saying you’ll never get back together, you probably shouldn’t try to force it or you’ll only make the situation worse. Getting some distance from the situation will also help you have a better sense of what went wrong and how you can fix it.
- Take at least a week or two to cool off and to be able to think more rationally about the situation instead of acting with your emotions.
- Take this time to be on your own, write in your journal, and deal with your feelings. This can help you approach the situation with more of a plan and less intensity.^{[1]
  X
  Research source}
2
Make sure you want this to work. Once you take some time away from your boyfriend, you need to ask yourself whether or not getting him back is really what you want. If he’s really saying you’ll never get back together, he may have a good reason for it, whether it’s because you did something to break his trust or he’s just not really there emotionally. Whatever the reason, you have to understand that if you really want to get someone who is saying never back, that you’re setting yourself up for quite a challenge and that it has to be worth it.
- You don’t want to sign yourself up for a failing mission. If you really think there’s absolutely no chance that you’ll get your ex back, then you have to ask yourself if you’re just setting yourself up to get crushed again.
- However, if you really think your ex and you are meant to be together and that you were driven apart because of a misunderstanding, then you should get ready to make things work again.
Advertisement
3
Figure out what went wrong. If you want to win your ex back, then you have to understand whatever it was that made the relationship go sour in the first place. If your relationship did not work, there were problems in it. Maybe you had intimacy issues, maybe you were too flirtatious, maybe your boyfriend had trouble communicating—whatever the issue, you have to make sure it’s not an irreconcilable difference but something that can be fixed. Until you understand what the problem is, you can’t go and make things better.
- Of course, if the problem really was some kind of an irreconcilable difference, then you have to ask yourself if there’s a way for you and your ex to be able to accept it and to move on.
- Think long and hard. You may think that the real issue in the relationship was one thing, when your boyfriend saw things completely differently. Maybe you think you broke up because you didn’t spend enough time together, but the real reason is because your boyfriend felt like you weren’t opening yourself up to him.^{[2]
  X
  Research source}
4
Work on improving yourself first. It may be that one of the reasons you broke up was because you had some personal issues to address. If you are dealing with insecurity, a lack of communication skills, the inability to open up, problems with boundaries or listening, or any other factors that can keep you from really enjoying a relationship, then you have to work on improving those things about yourself first. This can take a lot of time, but it’ll make you more ready for a healthy relationship with your ex.
- Remember that if you’re not happy with yourself, then you can’t be happy in a relationship. Work on feeling happy with the person you are before you’re ready to share that person with someone.^{[3]
  X
  Research source}
- Of course, you don’t have to be 100% in love with yourself to be in a relationship, but you have to let your confidence come from within, not from another person, or you’ll only be disappointed in yourself when your next relationship is over.
5
Get some advice. If you’re feeling a bit lost or confused about what happened between you and your ex or what to do next, then turn to a trusted friend to get another perspective on the situation. This friend can be especially helpful if he or she knows both of you, because the friend can help you see something about your relationship you didn’t realize before; your friend can also help you find the best way to get your ex back.
- Having another perspective on your relationship can help you see things you didn’t see before, even if you may not want to hear the truth.
- Talking to someone about your situation can also help you feel more confident about moving forward and less alone.
- You can consider therapy as well.
6
Wait until your ex is ready before you start talking to him again. Though you don’t want to wait forever to start trying to get your ex back, you don’t want to rush things if he really can’t even stand the sight of you. If you really hurt him and he’s having a hard time even looking you in the eye, then it’s probably not the time to start making small talk with him. However, if you’re around him and see that he’s comfortable talking to you or at least saying hi to you, then you may be able to cautiously move forward.
- If you’ve really hurt your ex and feel like he won’t talk to you until you can show him how sorry you are first, then you may want to write him a meaningful letter if he refuses to listen to what you have to say.
- Though time can’t heal all wounds, it can certainly lessen the intensity of negative feelings. Though you may be impatient to get back with your ex, know that your chances of making it work will actually improve if you let enough time go by for him to forget or not care as much about some of his negative feelings towards you.

Part 2

Part 2 of 3:

Reconnecting

1
Let him see you having a great time without him. If you really want to get your ex interested in you again, then you have to show him that you don’t really need him to be happy. Though this may seem like a contradiction, acting like you’re having a great time without your ex can actually make him jealous and to make him wish he was back with you again. You don’t have to be too obvious about it to make him see that you’re confident and capable without him.
- If you’re hanging out with your girlfriends and your ex is in the same room, try not to look his way or act like you care about what he thinks of you. Focus on enjoying your conversations and on having a great time without looking his way.
- Though you shouldn’t fake a laugh just to make him jealous, you should be open to cracking up and having a great time without him even if he’s watching.
- Even if you’re by yourself, try to perk up and look like you’re in a good mood when you walk by your ex. You don’t want him to think that you’re totally mopey without him.
2
Make him a little bit jealous. While you don’t need to make your ex feel so jealous that he feels like you’ve totally moved on, there’s nothing wrong in having a bit of fun with the other guys who come your way. Enjoy flirting with other guys or just having a great conversation with them if your ex is around, instead of avoiding other guys in the hopes that your ex will come up to you; don’t be afraid to post pictures of you with your guy friends on social media or to stop talking to other guys just because your ex may be watching.
- While you shouldn’t use other guys who like you just to make your ex jealous, there’s no harm in flirting a bit if you make it clear it won’t really lead anywhere.
- Even if the guy you’re hanging out with is just a friend, there’s no harm in having fun with him and cracking up when the two of you are together.
3
Spend time with him again. Once you feel like it’s the right time to start talking to your ex again, you can introduce yourself into his life again. You can start by saying hi from across the hall or just making quick small talk with him at the same party and this can lead to you grab a friendly coffee together or to walk in the same direction together. Be friendly, open, and keep things lighthearted, at first; there’s no need to jump into an intense conversation about why your relationship ended when you’re just trying to get on solid footing again.
- At first, get comfortable hanging out with your ex in a group, and then see if spending time together solo, even if you’re just running a quick errand together, can be the best way to move forward.
- Read your ex’s body language when you start talking again. If he turns away from you, keeps his arms crossed over his chest, or refuses to make eye contact, then he may not be ready to start spending time together again.
4
Show him that things will be different if you got back together. Once you and your ex do start spending a bit of time together again, you have to make an effort to make him see that your relationship won’t fizzle out again if you did get back together. Whatever your main issue was, you have to show him that you’ve changed and that he’ll be able to change too; if he thinks that you’ll just fall into the same bad habits if you got back together, then he’ll be much less likely to want to travel down that road.
- If your main issue was communicating, then be frank and open when you talk to each other.
- If he thought you were too clingy, then make sure you give him space this time around.
- You can also work to remind him of the best parts of your relationship, whether it was how you could make each other laugh for hours or the fun conversations you two had over the phone.
5
See if he’s interested. It’s important for you to have a sense of where your ex’s head is at before you try to date him again. Since he was saying it would never happen earlier, you have to make sure that his mindset has changed before you try to win him over again. You have to be smart about reading the signs that tell you whether or not he’s ready to have you back, or even to try to date you again. Here are some signs to look out for that will tell you he wants to try dating again:
- If he seems genuinely excited to see you when you walk in the room
- If his face lights up when you spots you
- If he’s reluctant to end any conversations you’re having
- If he turns his body toward you when you talk, makes eye contact, and tries to break the touch barrier
- If he starts making excuses to hang out with you again
- If he gives you compliments
- If he starts texting you or checking in again
- If he makes fun of the other guys you’ve been hanging out with
- If he suggests you do some of the same things you did when you were dating
6
Start dating him again. If it seems as if your ex really is excited about dating you again, then you can have an open conversation about making it work this time around. You shouldn’t jump into things and start passionately kissing before you really talk about where you stand so you avoid any confusion. If you do decide to start dating again, then you have to get ready to rebuild your relationship.
- Don’t put too much pressure on yourself. The relationship doesn’t have to be perfect this time around, though you should approach it with optimism and the desire to really make things work.
- Begin by hanging out in low-pressure settings instead of going public in a big way. You don’t have to announce that you’re back together to everyone within earshot until you really feel confident about where the relationship is going.

Part 3

Part 3 of 3:

Making it Last

1
Start slow. Though you may be incredibly excited that you and your ex are trying to make things work again, you have to remember to let things move at a natural pace. If you try to pick up the relationship exactly where you left off, then you may be rushing things too much. Instead, act like you’re just dating each other for the first time, and take the time to get to know and care about each other.
- Don’t do anything too intense at first. You don’t need your boyfriend to hang out with all of your friends, spend time with your family, or go away on a weekend trip with you. Focus on building a strong foundation for your relationship first.
- Make sure you both maintain your independence. Continue to hang out with your girlfriends and to pursue your interests; don’t try to hang out with your boyfriend 24/7.
- Don’t be too quick to share your intense feelings for your boyfriend. You don’t want to overwhelm him or make him feel like things are moving too fast.
2
Have an open flow of communication this time. No relationship can survive without healthy communication. Whether poor communication was the main reason you and your boyfriend broke up the first time, or just a side effect of a larger problem, you should make a point of having strong communication this time around so that you and your boyfriend always feel like you’re on the same page. Here are some guidelines for how to make sure your communication is strong:^{[4]
X
Research source}
- If something is bothering you, make sure you address it instead of being passive aggressive
- Learn to read your boyfriend’s facial expressions and body language to find out whether something is wrong
- Practice listening to your boyfriend instead of interrupting him or waiting for your turn to speak
- Make sure you both know how to compromise instead of each of you just trying to get your way all the time
- Choose your words carefully so you don’t end up hurting your boyfriend when you just wanted to bring up something that has been bothering you
3
Deal with your unresolved issues. Before you can really move forward to enjoy your relationship redux with your boyfriend again, you have to make sure to put the past behind you and that you have both learned from it. You can’t just ignore whatever it was that tore you apart the first time and you have to really make a point of working through your problems in order to come out stronger on the other side; this is the only way to really get your ex back and to make sure you’re on your way to having a healthy and mature relationship this time around.
- Have a frank and open discussion about what made your relationship end the first time. Be open to answering any questions from your boyfriend and make sure to be honest.
- If you’re still not completely sure about what went wrong, you should feel comfortable asking your boyfriend to talk about it. You don’t want to go into the relationship without knowing exactly where you stand.
- If you broke up because of your boyfriend’s personal issues, make sure he has a plan for addressing them.
4
Make sure to still be yourself. Though both people have to change a bit to make an unsuccessful relationship work the second time around, you have to make sure that you stay true to who you are and that you don’t turn into a different person just to get your ex to like you again. At the end of the day, you want him to like you for you, not for some perfect version of yourself that you think will appeal more to your boyfriend. Make sure to still be yourself while working on addressing the issues that kept your relationship from succeeding the first time around.
- If you feel like you’re not acting like yourself or even looking like yourself just to please your boyfriend, then you have a real problem on your hands.
- If you’re not sure about whether or not you’re being true to yourself, then you should ask one of your friends who has seen the two of you together. Your friend may be able to tell even better than you do whether or not you’re really acting like yourself in your relationship.
5
Live in the present. If you want your relationship to really work this time, then you can’t spend all of your time and energy living in the past. Sure, you might have both made mistakes and hurt each other, but if you keep reliving those things or bringing them up in arguments, then you won’t be able to move past them. On the other hand, if you’re focused too much on the future or worry about how long your relationship will last, then you won’t be able to enjoy the present moment together, either.
- Focus on getting a fresh start. Put as much of the past behind you as you can and work on building a strong relationship in the now.
- Of course, if something really serious happened in your past together, then you don’t have to be in denial and pretend that it didn’t happen at all. You can address it when it’s necessary, but you can’t fixate on it.
- If you bring up the future too many times with your boyfriend, then he may get anxious or feel suffocated and may get the impression that you’re not happy with your relationship as it currently stands.
6
Don’t make the same mistakes. If you want your relationship to be strong this time around, then you have to remember whatever it was that made you drift apart the first time without obsessing over it. You can’t address the same situations in the same ways, or you’ll just fall back into fighting, not really getting each other, or feeling like you just can’t make things work no matter what you do.
- If your issue was not spending enough time together, for example, then make sure you don’t book up your social calendar and leave out your boyfriend this time around; if your issue was snapping at each other in public, make sure you both work on making each other feel better, not worse about yourselves when you’re out together.
- Though you don’t want to bring up the past all the time, you should both be on the same page about how to move forward and to avoid whatever it was that caused you to drift apart the first time around. You should be comfortable with checking each other and saying, “Hey, remember how much trouble we had with this the first time around? Let’s find a way to move past it…”
- Of course, nobody’s perfect, and it’s natural that you both may fall into old habits. If that does happen, though, then you should make sure you apologize and show that you really mean it.
7
Know when it’s just not working. Though many failed relationships are worth saving, if you won your ex over again and find that things are not changing for the better, then you have to ask yourself whether or not it’s worth it to try to revive your old relationship. If you feel like you’ve put in all of the effort you have and either your boyfriend isn’t putting in the work or you’re just not compatible, then it may be better if you part ways instead of trying to beat a dead horse.
- Be honest with yourself. Do you feel like you’ve given it your all and it still isn’t working? If that’s the case, then you should be proud of yourself for making an effort and get ready to move on.
- Even if your relationship ends, don’t look at it as a waste of time or emotional effort. Every relationship helps you learn how to communicate with others and how to deal with problems, and no matter what happens, you’ll have more strength and knowledge going into your next relationship.