This article is based on an expert interview with Kelli Miller, LCSW, MSW, conducted by wikiHow Staff Editors. Kelli Miller is a Psychotherapist based in Los Angeles, California. Kelli specializes in individual and couples therapy focusing on relationships, depression, anxiety, sexuality, communication, parenting, and more. Kelli also facilitates groups for those struggling with alcohol and drug addiction as well as anger management groups. She is the author of “Professor Kelli’s Guide to Finding a Husband” and the award-winning and best-selling book “Thriving with ADHD”. Kelli co-hosted an advice show on LA Talk Radio and is a relationship expert for The Examiner. She received her MSW (Masters of Social Work) from the University of Pennsylvania and a BA in Sociology/Health from the University of Florida.
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Dealing with conflict is a natural part of every relationship—so natural that the ways we react to conflict are learned at a very early age. If you’re afraid of conflict, even thinking about bringing up concerns you have with your partner might make you anxious. Thankfully, there are ways to make your relationship into a safe environment for you to communicate openly. In this video, Licensed Clinical Social Worker Kelli Miller describes how building a shared model of communication with your partner helps you find your voice.
Key Takeaways
- A fear of conflict often develops in childhood, and it’s helpful to have a conversation with your partner about both of your childhood experiences so you better understand where each other is coming from.
- Once you understand each other’s communication styles, work together to come up with a way of communicating that works for both of you.
Video Transcript
I always advise couples to talk about their childhood together. And you want to ask each other, “What was it like when your parents fought?” We learn these survival skills for conflict at a really young age. So if our parents fought a lot, we maybe try to hide from conflict as adults because it triggers a lot of those feelings. But as you learn about each other's communication styles, then you can build upon a shared model that feels effective to both of you. So you want to approach this more as an investigative approach rather than judgmental. And again, you have to remember your unit. So you want to ask yourself, “How can we make this work?” Right? Not blame or anything like that. You want to operate as a team.
