This article is based on an expert interview with Kelli Miller, LCSW, MSW, conducted by wikiHow Staff Editors. Kelli Miller is a Psychotherapist based in Los Angeles, California. Kelli specializes in individual and couples therapy focusing on relationships, depression, anxiety, sexuality, communication, parenting, and more. Kelli also facilitates groups for those struggling with alcohol and drug addiction as well as anger management groups. She is the author of “Professor Kelli’s Guide to Finding a Husband” and the award-winning and best-selling book “Thriving with ADHD”. Kelli co-hosted an advice show on LA Talk Radio and is a relationship expert for The Examiner. She received her MSW (Masters of Social Work) from the University of Pennsylvania and a BA in Sociology/Health from the University of Florida.
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In this video, Licensed Clinical Social Worker Kelli Miller identifies the most common mistakes people make in relationships and why they're damaging to each partner. By avoiding these mistakes, you can learn how to approach conflict with compassion, make your partner feel acknowledged and understood, and create a calm, supportive environment for any hard discussions.
Key Takeaways
- One common mistake in relationships is just listening to your partner instead of really hearing what they’re saying. Try repeating back what your partner says when they express themselves to validate their feelings and show you understand.
- Another common relationship mistake is failing to appreciate and affirm your partner. Instead of focusing on what your partner isn’t doing, acknowledge the good things they are doing.
- A lot of couples don’t know how to have healthy disagreements. Instead of yelling and lashing out at your partner, wait until you’re both calm to have serious conversations.
Video Transcript
The first mistake is listening instead of hearing. To make sure that your partner feels heard, follow the fast food communication rule. What that means is, if you think about it, fast food personnel are trained to repeat your order after you place it to make sure that they heard it correctly. So let's say you say, “Hey, I'd like a medium fry with a Big Mac.” And then they'll repeat it back, “Okay, so I have a Big Mac and medium fry.” They do this to make sure that nothing gets lost in translation. So we need to do the same thing with our partner to make sure that we have the communication correct, and also to make sure that that person feels acknowledged. So for example, let's say your partner says, “I'm hurt that you came home late last night and you didn't clean up.” The first thing that you'd say is, “I'm hearing you say that you're upset that I came home late and I didn't clean up.” That's going to give your partner huge relief, because they're going to feel like “Oh, okay, they got it.” That's the first step toward conflict resolution, knowing that their feelings are understood. And once that happens, then they're going to be more receptive to what you have to say afterward. Number two is a lack of appreciation and affirmation. We tend to focus on what our partner isn't doing, such as, you know, “You never take out the trash. Why do you always leave your dirty socks out?” And when we say things like that, we're actually taking our partners for granted. And we forget that we need to acknowledge the little things because they actually do matter. And if you think about it, every single person wants to feel special and validated. And that includes our partners. So if you can acknowledge the positive in your partner, it's going to go a long way. So something like, “I saw you took out the trash, thank you so much.” It's going to mean a lot to your partner, because they're going to feel like you really appreciate what they're doing. And this is a learned response. So you're basically modeling for them how to talk to you as well, because they're going to start hopefully doing that same thing and learning to appreciate the small things that you do. The final mistake is not communicating appropriately. When we get upset, it's natural, we get emotional. And this leads to increased heart rate, and it puts us in this flight or fight mode. We feel under attack, and that's why we might yell or scream or run away. And the solution to that is to have serious conversations when both people are calm. You have to make sure that you're in the right frame of mind. What I always say is when in doubt, don't. Additionally, tone makes a big difference. Once you start yelling, the other person automatically shuts down. They can't hear when you're yelling because they're in attack mode. So if you can keep your tone neutral, and think of the expression “Say what you mean but don't say it mean,” and this way they're able to hear it better without you actually blaming your partner or vice versa.
