How to Discipline a 4 Year Old

Last Updated: November 29, 2021 References

Parents and other caregivers for young children may have many questions about the best way to practice discipline. Discipline is different than punishment disciplining a child is a set of practices that takes into account children’s developmental stages and supports children to think for themselves and take an active role in changing their behaviour. We know a lot more now than we once did about how children’s brains and social and emotional capacities develop. Experts recommend that disciplining children especially young children should ultimately be a positive, self-esteem building experience. ^{[1]
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Method 1

Method 1 of 2:

Prevent the Need to Discipline

1
Set up your home to prevent the need to discipline. You can create an environment in your home that saves you and your child from the needing to work on discipline unless it is necessary. By setting your home up so that it is safe and child-friendly, you will prevent having to create too many rules or say “no” too often throughout the day.
- Use child-proofing devices to keep cupboards closed.
- Close doors to rooms where young children won’t be safe if they are on their own.
- Use child-proof barriers or gates to block unsafe areas like stairs.^{[2]
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2
Have lots of things for children to play with. Young children love to play, and playing is important to their healthy development. You don’t need to have expensive toys – children can have a wonderful play time with cardboard boxes, inexpensive toys, or pots and pans. Sometimes the simplest things can spark children’s imagination, so if you cannot afford expensive toys, do not feel guilty.^{[3]
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3
Bring toys and snacks with you when you leave home. Children can misbehave when they are bored or hungry. Be sure that you leave home with toys your child enjoys playing with and with snacks that are healthy and appealing.^{[4]
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4
Work with your child to create age-appropriate rules. Children who are four years old will probably enjoy being active participants in creating rules. Take the time to work with your child to make rules that are reasonable. This will help your child to have a clear sense of your expectations. Because they participated in creating the rules, they will be more willing to follow them and you will be helping them to learn self-control. ^{[5]
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Choose rules carefully and don’t make too many rules. Children this age will be overwhelmed if there are too many rules to remember. A four-year-old might ignore rules if there are too many, or could feel frustrated and act out that frustration trying to follow too many rules.
- Work with caregivers to help them understand the rules you and your child have agreed upon. ^{[6]
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Method 2

Method 2 of 2:

Using Positive Discipline

1
Do not use punishment especially corporal punishment. It used to be more common to teach children how to act by punishing undesirable behaviour. Experts in early childhood development brain scientists, education experts, and psychologists now agree that punishment is not the best way to help children learn desirable behaviours. Children grow up healthier and happier when they are disciplined using more positive methods.^{[7]
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- The science is in on the efficacy of corporal punishment: spanking or otherwise hitting children, including young children, does not work and has all kinds of negative effects. Reliable scientific studies have shown that spanking or other forms of hitting children can alter their brain development, predispose them to mood disorders later in life, and actually keep them from learning how to control their own behaviour.^{[8]
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2
Understand why children misbehave. Young children might misbehave because they are hungry, tired, or bored. Or, they might not understand the rules that you have set out for them. Children might also misbehave because they are confused or because they do not want to stop doing something.
- If a child asks you questions about the rules you have set up, then that is a clue that they do not understand what is expected of them. Take the time to help the child understand what is expected of them. Use clear and simple language, and be prepared to patiently repeat the information now and later on.
3
Be flexible. Four-year-olds need you to be flexible and patient. It is absolutely normal for children this age to not be able to follow rules all the time. When children make mistakes, the best tactic is to be supportive instead of angry. When a mistake happens, turn this into a learning opportunity for you and your child. Talk with your child about what she or he can learn from the experience and why it is important for them to follow the rule in the future.^{[9]
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- Be supportive and respectful when your four-year-old makes a mistake. Children this age are not capable of acting perfectly. They are learning what rules are and how to follow them – making mistakes is a normal and important part of the learning process.^{[10]
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- If your child makes a mistake for example, going into a bedroom and waking up a family member who is sleeping, even though the rule is to allow that person to sleep in after working late understand that your child is truly not capable of doing things perfectly. Affection for their family member might overwhelm their desire to follow the rules at this age. Patiently talking with your child is the best approach.^{[11]
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Be consistent with rules. Kids need consistency so it's clear to them what is and isn't okay.^{[12]
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Expert Source

Wits End Parenting
Parenting Specialists
Expert Interview. 5 March 2020.} If you allow something one day and not the next, a four-year-old can easily be confused. This confusion can lead to behaviour that you see as misbehaviour but is just your child’s response to a situation that they do not understand.
- If you decide that after-preschool snacks should be fruit or vegetables only, when you have allowed candy or other treats in the past, then be sure to talk with your child about the change and then stick to your plan. Going back to cookies and milk will confuse your child.
- Four-year-olds who are confused about a rule might start to ignore a rule. Remember that this is not the child’s fault. It is important to be consistent so that your child is able to understand what is expected of them.^{[13]
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Share stories about rules and routines. Four-year-olds love stories, and stories are an important way for young children to learn about themselves, others, and the world. Stories can help children to cope with the feelings they have and help them to know that they are not the only one who has a particular type of experience. Sharing stories with young children can help them to feel that their caregivers understand how they feel.
- One classic children’s book about rules is “Where The Wild Things Are,” by Maurice Sendak. The main character, Max, breaks the rules in this book. Children may enjoy discussing this story and applying Max’s situation to their own life experiences.^{[14]
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Guide children to change their behaviour. When you need to intervene to help a child to change her or his behavior, start by giving the child the time she or he needs to respond. Your voice should be calm and firm, and you should go to your child and bend over so that the two of you can communicate directly with eye contact. Then tell your child what you would like her or him to stop doing, and what she or he should do instead.^{[15]
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- If your child will need to stop doing something they enjoy, make sure to prepare them for the change. For example, let them know that bedtime is coming in five minutes so that they have the time they need to prepare for the change.
7
Use age-appropriate "consequences." The most effective use of consequences is combined with reasoning, or verbally helping the child understand and connect his actions to the given consequences. However, this is not enough. Consequences must be consistent and followed through with in order to be effective in changing behavior.
- "Time-outs" or using a "time-out stool" are popular ways to help children understand consequences and to calm down when they have misbehaved.
  - Choose four or five rules that, if broken, will result in the child having to sit in a calm boring spot for a "time-out" or time on the "naughty chair." Make sure the child understands in advance what rules will result in a time-out.
  - Each time the child breaks one of the rules, assign them in a calm and neutral manner - to their time-out space.
  - Experts recommend no more than one minute per year of a child's age for time-outs (i.e., a maximum of four minutes for a four-year-old).
  - When the time-out is finished, praise your child for successfully completing their time-out.^{[16]
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- Another possible "consequence" some parents use is removing the object or stopping the activity involved in the child's undesirable behavior. Remove the object temporarily or stop an activity and move on to doing something else.^{[17]
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- If you choose to use consequences, then make sure to follow the child's undesirable behavior immediately with the consequence. Four-year-olds are not able to "connect the dots" otherwise.^{[18]
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Give positive feedback for a job well done. When your child cooperates, always be sure to praise him or her. All children, but especially young children, benefit from having their accomplishments praised. This builds their self-confidence, but is also a positive way of reinforcing the correct behavior.^{[19]
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Warnings

If you are babysitting, never hit or spank a child. Ask the child’s primary caregivers (parents or other guardians) how they would like you to help with their methods for disciplining their child.

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Never hit or spank a child. There is a large body of evidence suggesting that physical discipline methods have negative effects and are ineffective. Hitting or spanking a child can cause serious physical and psychological damage.

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Never try to discipline a baby. Never shake or hit a baby. When a baby cries, she or he needs your attention, so go to them and see what you can do to help them feel better.

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