How to Define Your Gender

Last Updated: March 25, 2023

Gender is a complex topic that originated in the 1950s to describe language associated with masculinity or femininity. It expanded to include gender identity, which may not align with the assigned sex. Some cultures recognize a third gender, such as the Hijras in India and Muxes in Mexico. The U.S. also used a third gender category in the past for nonconforming men.

Part 1

Part 1 of 4:

Understanding Gender

1
Understand what Gender is. Gender simply means what we as a society associate things as masculine (for boys and men), feminine (for girls and women), or neutral (for everyone). A good example would be our names. Names like "Patrick", "Larry", and "David" are masculine while "Isabella", "Samantha", and "Jessica" are feminine. However, names like "Evan", "Jesse", and "Alex" are neither masculine nor feminine which makes them neutral. Gender should not be confused with biological sex which does not follow this convention. The difference is explained below.
- Gender refers to one's psychological identification, which may or may not align with one's biological sex. The most common gender identities are cisgender (aligning with one's biological sex) and transgender (not aligning with one's biological sex). There is no fixed number of gender identities, as individuals may identify in various ways, but here are some common examples:
  - Non-Binary – not aligning with either male or female.
  - Bigender – aligning with both male and female.
  - Gender Fluid – may align with a gender that changes over time or depending on the situation.
- Sex (male or female) is determined by a combination of biological factors, including anatomy, chromosomes (XX for female and XY for male), and reproductive system. For example, boys and men have a penis and testicles, while girls and women have a vagina.
  - A male before age 18 is a boy, while those ages 18 and older are men.
  - A female before age 18 is a girl, while those ages 18 and older are women.
  - On rare occasions, a small number of people may be categorized as intersex due to having chromosomes, hormones, and genitalia outside of the male and female category. It is important to note that intersex is not a third sex, but a variation within the male-female binary.
2
Consider the fluidity or stability of your gender. Gender is based on the brain, and sometimes the brain changes. Usually, but not always, people have the same gender throughout their lives.
- Many transgender people showed clear signs of their true gender in childhood. Some transitioned as children, while others didn't have access to transition, and had to figure it out later in life.
- Some transgender children felt that something was off about their lives, but couldn't tell what. Only later, as teens or adults, they realize that they were trying to live as the wrong gender.
- Some people live comfortably as one gender for a while, then realize that the gender used to suit them doesn't fit anymore.
- Some people change gender between different weeks, days, or hours. These people usually identify as genderfluid.
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3
Look up reputable websites on gender. The American Psychological Association (APA), GLAAD, and other sites offer well-researched information on gender.
- Because these are larger organizations and they take time to verify information, they may not have the most cutting-edge information. They're good for looking up accurate, carefully-researched information.
4
Visit forums, blogs, and chats as desired. These can delve into some of the more obscure aspects of gender and include personal stories to help you understand what different identities can look like in real life. You may also find friends who can talk one-on-one about the questioning process, and offer advice to you.
- Keep in mind that there are many ways to be trans. Your experience may be quite different from someone else's. That doesn't make yours "fake" or invalid.
- When you read, watch, or listen to other people's ideas about gender, remember that you are the one who defines your gender. You don't have to believe or agree with everything you find out from other people.
- Be very cautious about religious websites. Some of these try to push specific beliefs or identities on people (e.g. condemning transgender people for "changing what God intended"), and judge rather than help.
5
Take notes, and archive websites that help you. Create a list of links you like, write quotes that touch you in a notebook, or save pictures relating to gender. You may also want to look up lists of more obscure genders and their definitions - one may ring particularly true.
- Genderflux is when the intensity of a person's gender fluctuates. For example, they may feel very strongly like a man one day, but only very weakly on another day (this latter state can also be called "demiboy/demiguy/demiman", where the "demi-" prefix denotes only a partial connection to the gender).

Part 2

Part 2 of 4:

Reflecting On Your Own

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Figure out what you're looking for. You can talk with a friend, write in a journal, blog about it, or whatever else helps you sort your thoughts. Think about what you are trying to figure out. These are just a few of the questions that can help you find out what you want to achieve by defining your gender:
- Are you looking for a label that fits you?
- Are you looking to define yourself while keeping the label you already have?
- Are you going to try and find out what happens if you stop using a label?
2
Think about what your gender is. Maybe you will find a description or a term that feels perfect for you. Maybe you will feel like none of the ones you've seen are just right, and decide you don't need a label. Maybe you will even come up with your own word to describe your gender! Whichever direction you take is fine. If you figure out that it's not the right one for you, you can always find a better way to describe yourself. Here are some things you might consider when trying to describe your gender:
- Do you want to label your gender? If so, is there a label you identify really strongly with?
- How do you want people to refer to you? Do you want to be called "he", "she", "they", or something else?
- Do you have role models of different genders? If so, which ones do you admire for how they define and show their gender?
3
Consider whether and how you experience gender dysphoria. Loosely, gender dysphoria means feelings of discomfort or unhappiness (from mild to acute) based on your gender differing from the sex you were assigned at birth.^{[1]
X
Expert Source

Marissa Floro, PhD
Counseling Psychologist
Expert Interview. 18 February 2021.} How do you feel about the gender roles you've been expected to conform to? Do you reject strict roles only, or the gender altogether?
- Many trans people experience discomfort with their bodies, and feel like their bodies are "wrong." This can range from upsetting to devastating.
- Some trans people like their bodies and are still trans. This is okay. You don't have to feel self-hate, depression, insecurity, etc. in order to qualify for a diagnosis and get the medical care you need to transition.
4
Use thought exercises to help you imagine different possibilities. If you're getting stuck, it might help to look at things from a different perspective.
- Imagine that one of your friends is talking about you. Which one feels most "right" to you: "she is a great friend," "he is a great friend," "they are a great friend," or something else? Try out each phrase and think about how it feels.
- Imagine yourself ten years from now. What type of life do you want for yourself? Imagine yourself as a man, woman, and nonbinary person. What fits best?
5
Turn to your memories. Events from your past can give clues to the gender that you have had all along. Many people find valuable insights from recalling how they viewed gender as children.

Part 3

Part 3 of 4:

In Person

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Look for local groups relating to gender. This might include clubs specifically created for men or women. You might also want to meet with groups for transgender people if you are thinking that it describes you. Meeting with people of your gender or different genders can help you learn more about how individuals view their own gender and how you can define yours.
2
Talk to your friends about gender. Conversations about gender help everyone understand how different people define and think about gender. Talking to your friends about what gender means to them and telling them what you think about gender can help both of you learn.
- You might ask your friends to use a certain set of pronouns when referring to you.^{[2]
  X
  Expert Source
  
  Marissa Floro, PhD
  Counseling Psychologist
  Expert Interview. 18 February 2021.}
3
Find role models. In any activity you do, you can meet many people of different genders. When you admire someone's accomplishments, confidence, personality, or looks, you might decide to take aspects of their life into your own definition of gender.

Part 4

Part 4 of 4:

Letting People Know

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Decide how public your gender will be. For some people, defining their gender means changing their appearance and letting the whole world know. For some, it's just about how they feel on the inside no matter what anybody thinks.^{[3]
X
Expert Source

Marissa Floro, PhD
Counseling Psychologist
Expert Interview. 18 February 2021.}You can't choose your gender, but you can choose who knows about it.
2
Be safe. It can feel great to tell someone how you define your gender, but if you are worried that they will have a bad reaction it's okay to keep quiet.

Expert Q&A

Question

What is gender euphoria?

Marissa Floro, PhD
Counseling Psychologist
Dr. Marissa Floro, Ph.D. is a Psychologist and Instructor at Stanford University’s Weiland Health Initiative and adjunct faculty at the University of San Francisco. Dr. Floro received her Ph.D. in Counseling Psychology from Loyola University Chicago, focusing on the intersections of race, attraction, and gender. Dr. Floro’s continued clinical, teaching, and advocacy work focuses on sexual and gender diversity, racial identity and belonging, and liberation from oppressive systems and structures.

Marissa Floro, PhD

Counseling Psychologist

Expert Answer

Gender euphoria is celebration of joy when someone is treated in a way that matches with how they view themselves.
Question

Can you change your pronouns?

Marissa Floro, PhD
Counseling Psychologist
Dr. Marissa Floro, Ph.D. is a Psychologist and Instructor at Stanford University’s Weiland Health Initiative and adjunct faculty at the University of San Francisco. Dr. Floro received her Ph.D. in Counseling Psychology from Loyola University Chicago, focusing on the intersections of race, attraction, and gender. Dr. Floro’s continued clinical, teaching, and advocacy work focuses on sexual and gender diversity, racial identity and belonging, and liberation from oppressive systems and structures.

Marissa Floro, PhD

Counseling Psychologist

Expert Answer

Absolutely! There's no pressure to figure out your pronouns and/or gender identity right away. You can change your label and your gender expression as much as you'd like.
Question

How do you transition between pronouns?

Marissa Floro, PhD
Counseling Psychologist
Dr. Marissa Floro, Ph.D. is a Psychologist and Instructor at Stanford University’s Weiland Health Initiative and adjunct faculty at the University of San Francisco. Dr. Floro received her Ph.D. in Counseling Psychology from Loyola University Chicago, focusing on the intersections of race, attraction, and gender. Dr. Floro’s continued clinical, teaching, and advocacy work focuses on sexual and gender diversity, racial identity and belonging, and liberation from oppressive systems and structures.

Marissa Floro, PhD

Counseling Psychologist

Expert Answer

Ask some close, trusted friends to refer to you with a certain set of pronouns. You could also add your pronouns next to your name when you join a Zoom call.

Warnings

Understand that gender dysphoria is a problem associated with high suicide rates. This is why it's important to use the pronouns someone wants you to use for them to show support and awareness. Misgendering them and transphobia can cause them to feel distressed.

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If you or a loved one suffers from gender dysphoria, it is very important to seek help from a mental health professional (a psychologist or psychiatrist).

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