How to Deal with Dating a Bad Texter

Written by Julianne Cantarella | Edited by Hunter Rising

Last Updated: May 28, 2022 References

Do you wish your partner would answer your texts faster or spend more time writing engaging responses? Even though you can't expect long or immediate replies every time, there are still a ton of ways you can improve your communication with one another. In this article, we'll go over some things you can do if you're waiting for a reply and how to get your partner to open up to you more.

This article is based on an interview with our professional dating coach and licensed social worker, Julianne Cantarella. Check out the full interview here.

1

Call them if you need a fast response.

You can share information a lot quicker over the phone. Rather than waiting for your partner to message you back, dial them up if you know they aren’t busy.^{[1]
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Research source} Make it a point to call them more often since they may prefer hearing your voice instead of reading texts that could sound impersonal.^{[2]
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Expert Source

Julianne Cantarella
Dating & Relationship Coach
Expert Interview. 6 August 2021.}
- If you’re not sure if your partner is available, try shooting them a text like, “Hey! I’ve got a quick question, do you have time for a phone call?” That way, they can easily respond to let you know if they’re free.

2

Give them time to reply.

The person could truly be busy or caught up with something else. Your partner might not be able to have their phone on them all the time, so be patient while you wait for their response. If they’re at work, with friends and family, or doing another activity, they may just be a bit distracted. Try your best not to jump to any conclusions about why they’re taking so long since it could make you upset for no reason.^{[3]
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- If you’ve waited multiple days for a reply and you still haven’t heard back, it may be a sign that the person has lost interest.
- Put your phone down and try getting some exercise, cooking, taking a walk, or doing your favorite hobby so you aren’t tempted to keep checking for a reply.^{[4]
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3

Cut back on how many messages you send.

The person might feel overwhelmed if you’re talking to them a lot. It’s completely okay to send 1 or 2 messages back-to-back before your partner replies. However, it might be pretty tough for them to catch up and respond to a wall of texts. If you normally send multiple texts, try saving a few of the topics for when you’re chatting on the phone or hanging out together.^{[5]
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- If you’re in a new relationship, you can try testing your partner by only messaging them once a day. This gives them the chance to step up their game and text you more often.

4

Give them the benefit of the doubt.

Try to avoid assuming your partner is playing games or upset with you. It can be really easy to accidentally assume someone doesn’t care if they only send short messages. Ask the person how they feel about a topic if you think there’s something wrong so your partner has a chance to fully explain themselves.^{[6]
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Trustworthy Source
Greater Good Magazine
Journal published by UC Berkeley's Greater Good Science Center, which uses scientific research to promote happier living
Go to source}
- For example, if you say that you want to go to a movie and your partner replies, “Okay,” you may follow up by asking something like, “How do you feel about the movie?” or “I’m open to suggestions! What do you want to see?”

5

Plan times where you can discuss things.

Wait until you’re both free so you can chat without distractions. If your partner is pretty busy, ask when they’re available during the day to message you. Set aside a window of time when you’re both able to message back and forth and plan to have your conversations then. That way, you know when to expect messages from them so you’re not worrying about it during the day.^{[7]
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- Keep your partner’s schedule in mind so you don’t text them when they’re busy with other things.

6

Save texting for casual conversations only.

Serious topics are better over the phone or face-to-face. Keep your text conversations laid back so you’re not putting too much pressure on your partner to respond.^{[8]
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Research source} When you have something really important to talk about, try asking when they’re available for talking on the phone or getting together in person since it will help your bond grow faster.^{[9]
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Expert Source

Julianne Cantarella
Dating & Relationship Coach
Expert Interview. 6 August 2021.}
- For example, you can use texting to ask about each other’s days or make plans, but you should call or meet up if you want to talk about any relationship issues.
- You could even move to a different messaging platform, such as Messenger or Twitter DMs, for more casual conversations. That way, when you send a text, the person knows that it’s important.

7

Send them interesting messages.

Keep the conversation fresh with new topics. If you always ask the same questions or talk about the same thing, the other person might just need something more engaging. Try asking them open-ended questions that start with “how” “what” or “why” to get them talking. Tailoring your messages to them better might encourage them to respond more.^{[10]
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- For example, you could ask something like, “You’re a huge movie buff right? What are some new movies I should check out?”
- As another example, you could end your message on a cliffhanger like, “OMG the craziest thing just happened at work.”

8

Tell them how you want them to text.

Set your expectations so the person understands what you need. Find a time where you can talk to your partner face-to-face or over the phone so you’re not waiting on replies. Mention how their texts make you feel when you read them. Give them advice on how to write their messages going forward so they know what you prefer.^{[11]
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- For example, you might say something like, “I feel like I’m not respected when I write sincere messages and get one-word answers back. I’d really appreciate it if you would say a little bit more about how you’re feeling so I don’t think you’re upset.”

9

Make compromises.

Agree on some texting rules that work for both of you. It might be a little tough to satisfy everything you and the other person want, so you may need to make a few sacrifices. Work together and talk about what works best for your schedules and how you want to communicate so you both feel heard.^{[12]
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- Be reasonable with any compromise you come up with. For example, you can’t expect someone to reply as soon as they receive your message, but you could ask them to check their messages every few hours so they don’t miss anything.

10

Spend more time with each other in person.

They might feel more comfortable talking face-to-face instead of texts. You can learn a lot more about your partner when you’re hanging out with each other than over text. Rather than texting an entire conversation, ask them when they’re able to get together with you. Since physical chemistry is a lot more important than how you communicate in your messages, you’ll feel a lot deeper connection.^{[13]
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Expert Source

Julianne Cantarella
Dating & Relationship Coach
Expert Interview. 6 August 2021.}

11

Compare your texts to how you communicate in person.

If your partner talks openly when you’re together, your relationship is solid. Some people aren’t into having conversations over text since they feel a little impersonal. If your partner opens up, has fun, and acts invested in your relationship when you’re on the phone or spending time together, then you shouldn’t worry so much about how often you text.^{[14]
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- If the person still feels closed off when you’re on the phone or in person, then it could mean they aren’t feeling as invested.

12

Stop texting if they don’t put in any effort.

A total lack of communication is a big red flag in relationships. When you’re dating someone, you both should feel comfortable opening up and holding a conversation. If the person takes multiple days to reply to texts and closes themselves off when you’re together in person, they might not take the relationship seriously.^{[15]
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- Even if you’ve only been seeing each other for a short time, show the person respect by telling them why you want to end things rather than ghosting them.