How to Deal with Being Ignored by Someone You Love (and Start a Conversation About Your Needs)

Co-authored by Lena Dicken, Psy.D and Hannah Madden

Last Updated: August 25, 2021 References

Getting the cold shoulder from someone never feels good, especially when it’s someone you love. Usually if someone is giving you the silent treatment, it's because they feel hurt or upset. If you’re on the receiving end of being ignored, check out a few ways you can break the silence and have a productive conversation with your loved one.

1

Approach the person.

Don’t wait for them to come to you. If you’re being ignored, try reaching out to see if they respond. You could send them a text, call them on the phone, or even approach them in person.^{[1]
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- Say something like, “Hey, I noticed there’s some space between us lately and I was wondering if we could talk about it.”
- If someone is planning to give you the silent treatment for a while, they might not respond to texts or calls right away. Give it a little bit of time to see if they respond back.

2

Reach out one more time if you don’t hear back.

They might have decided to ignore you for a while. If you reach out to your loved one and you don’t hear back within a few days, you can shoot them another text or try them on the phone again. After that, though, it’s time to wait until they reach out to you again.^{[2]
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- Try saying something like, “Hey, I haven’t heard back from you. I’d really like to resolve this but I can’t do it on my own. Would love to talk sometime this week.”
- Be compassionate and let them know you still care, even if they still don't respond. Try saying something like, "Even though you're not up for connecting for me right now, I'm still here for you, and I hope we can talk again when you're ready."^{[3]
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  Lena Dicken, Psy.D
  Clinical Psychologist
  Expert Interview. 15 December 2020.}

3

Listen to what they have to say.

Aim to understand, not to have a fight. Ask them why they’ve been giving you the silent treatment, then try to let them talk uninterrupted. Letting them speak doesn’t have to mean you agree with what they’re saying, but it will lead to a more productive conversation in the long run.^{[4]
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- You can start the conversation by saying something like, “I feel like you’ve been intentionally avoiding me. Could you tell me what’s going on?”

4

Acknowledge what they’re feeling.

People usually ignore others when they’re feeling hurt. If you two got into a fight or you did something unintentionally that hurt their feelings, let them know that you understand. Validate their feelings so they recognize that you’re open to talking.^{[5]
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- Try something like, “I understand that not inviting you to the party was wrong, and I can see why it made you upset.”

5

Be respectful when talking to your loved one.

Make it clear you value their opinion and their feelings. Although getting ignored can be tough, try to remember that your loved one is shutting down because they’re hurt. As you two talk it out, be sure you show them respect and don’t invalidate their feelings just because they made you feel bad.^{[6]
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Trustworthy Source
Understood
Nonprofit organization dedicated to resources and support to people with thinking differences, such as ADHD or dyslexia
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- This is especially important if you’re being ignored by your child. Although they’re younger than you, they can tell when you aren't respecting them.

6

Share how you’re feeling.

Let them know what the silent treatment felt like. It’s your turn to express your feelings and let them know how hurt you were when they ignored you. You don’t need to exaggerate or try to make them feel guilty, but you should be real with how upset you were about it.^{[7]
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- For example, “When I realized you were ignoring me, it made me feel awful. I felt like I was losing my best friend and I didn’t even know why.”

7

Suggest some things to do next.

How can you two move on from the situation? The person who was ignoring you might need more time to process their feelings, or they might need an apology from you. You can get the ball rolling by suggesting a few ways to move on from this situation.^{[8]
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- For instance, you might say, “Before we move on, I just want to apologize. I know my actions hurt you, and I’m sorry about that.”

8

Ask them to communicate next time.

Ignoring someone isn’t a good way to solve problems. If you’ve resolved the issue that started the silent treatment in the first place, suggest a different way to communicate next time your loved one is feeling upset. You could say something like:^{[9]
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- “I understand you were ignoring me because you felt hurt and you needed time to process. Next time, just tell me I’m being a jerk to my face!”

9

Concentrate on yourself.

In the end, you’re the only person that you can control. Your loved one might continue to ignore you, or they might do it again in the future. If that happens, focus on yourself and your own actions to stop ruminating on the situation.^{[10]
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- You can also use this as a lesson to never ignore someone that you love.
- If you are constantly walking on eggshells to avoid being ignored by your loved one, it may be time to reevaluate your relationship.^{[11]
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10

Talk to a mental health professional if you need to.

Being ignored can be tough. If your loved one ignores you a lot and it’s taking a toll on you, a counselor or therapist may be able to help. Reach out to learn more about communication skills and how you and your loved one can be clearer with each other about your needs.^{[12]
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- If you often get ignored by your romantic partner, a couple’s counselor might be your best bet.