How to Deal With a Girl That Leads You On (for Guys)

Co-authored by Kate Dreyfus

Last Updated: December 16, 2022 References

Maybe the girl of your dreams is your friend, but you want more. She acts as if she likes you sometimes, but you cannot tell. You’d like to ask her out, but she’s sending you mixed signals and you’re not sure if she just wants to be friends. To help you deal with a girl that may be leading you on, look for clues, talk to her, and either define the relationship with her or move on to other girls.

Part 1

Part 1 of 2:

Figuring Her Out

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Notice flirting cues. It may be hard to determine if she's actually flirting with you or just being nice. It's easy to misinterpret girls' friendliness for romantic interest.^{[1]
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Research source} Some ways you can tell if she’s flirting include:^{[2]
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- She leans toward you, smiles, and touches your arm while you’re talking.
- She often compliments you, especially how you look.
- She talks about being able single or wanting to date in front of you.
- She often tries to spend time with you one-on-one.
- She plays with her hair or tries to get you to notice her.
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Pay close attention to what she says. A girl may be flirting with you, but her words are more important than her actions. Keep in mind this could be difficult or confusing because girls tend to try to be too nice and indirect when they’re not interested.^{[3]
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- If she mentions a boyfriend or that she’s not interested in dating, she’s likely not interested in you in that way, even if her body language is flirtatious.
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Watch out for signs she’s just leading you on. There are many signs a girl can give that she’s not that interested in you. She may send mixed signals intentionally or unintentionally because she enjoys your company, but in reality she’s likely just keeping you around out of convenience.^{[4]
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Expert Source

Kate Dreyfus
Holistic Love Coach & Intuitive Healer
Expert Interview. 10 September 2021.} You might notice that she:^{[5]
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- Is vague in making plans with you, or calls or texts you at the last minute.
- Never reaches out to make plans with you first.
- Does not share a lot about herself with you.
- Takes a long time to get back to your texts.
- Talks about her ex-boyfriend a lot in front of you.
- Only spends time with you when you pay for things, like nice dinners or going to the movies.
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Talk to friends. Before you talk to her, talk to your friends or people you trust to get a fresh perspective. Chances are, you’re probably over-thinking your relationship with her, reading into every little thing she does or doesn’t do, and using a lot of energy thinking about her. Consulting with friends will help you get a more clear idea of what her behavior looks like from others.^{[6]
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Talk to her.^{[7]
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Expert Source

Kate Dreyfus
Holistic Love Coach & Intuitive Healer
Expert Interview. 10 September 2021.} Confront her about her flirtatious or leading-on behavior. If you’re interested in her, you need to know if she likes you or not. You may be scared to talk to her for fear of being rejected, but you’ll never know how she really feels or what she really means by her flirting until you directly ask.^{[8]
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- If you talk over text, online, through a phone call, it may be less awkward or uncomfortable. Sometimes it’s harder to be clear about how you feel over text, so keep your language clear, simple, and direct. You can say, “I am attracted to you and I thought you might be too, because you wanted me to take you to the movies, complimented me a lot, and said you wanted to hang out with me more. I feel confused lately though. Are you interested in dating or not?”
- If you meet in person, you’ll have an easier time reading her face and body language. Talking in-person will sometimes give you a more honest reaction.^{[9]
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  Research source} However, sometimes girls try to be too nice and indirect when they’re not interested. Keep in mind you may not even be able to get her to meet you in person if she’s being flaky or not responding to you.^{[10]
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  Research source} Still, be clear and direct. You can say, “I want to date you, how do you feel about that?”

Part 2

Part 2 of 2:

Moving On From Her

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Give her time. Once you’ve made your feelings clear, it's important to listen to and respect her feelings. Be patient and don’t expect an immediate answer from her. Be sensitive, but be clear that you want her to stop leading you on and to date her exclusively. Don't argue with her if she needs time to think it over.^{[11]
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- You can say, "I want to be with you, and I hope you feel the same, but I know you might need some time to think about it. How about we get back together next week to see how you feel?"
- If she seems ambivalent or isn't being direct with you, take some time for yourself to think about if you really want to be with her. Usually ambivalence is a "no," but she's just being too polite to say so directly.^{[12]
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Deal with rejection. Does she only want to stay “just friends?” Try not to take it personally. She may have something going on in her life that you don’t know about that’s making her send mixed signals, so it might be better for you to stay away. You deserve someone who can be completely available for a relationship.^{[13]
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Set boundaries.^{[14]
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Expert Source

Kate Dreyfus
Holistic Love Coach & Intuitive Healer
Expert Interview. 10 September 2021.} If she just wants to stay friends, and you think you can handle that, set some boundaries around how you spend time with her from now on. Because she was flirting with you or leading you on to feel like she was interested, you’ll want to change the way you do things so that you can avoid her leading you on again. Keep in mind that you might have difficulty being “just friends” with her since you’ve developed feelings.
- Spend some time apart.
- Unfollow her on social media. You’ll feel better if you don’t have to see everything about her all the time, especially if she’s flirting with other people.
- Call her out when she flirts with you.
- Avoid answering her phone calls or texts right away. You don’t have to be so convenient to her.
- Spend time with her in safer group settings.
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Get over your crush. If you are able to stay friends, you’ll need to get over any feelings you developed for your friend after she led you on. This may be challenging and may take some time, but it is possible. It will be up to you to decide if it’s good for you to have her in your life as a friend. You can work through your feelings by:^{[15]
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- Venting. Talk it out with your best guy friends, your parents, or someone else you trust.
- Focusing on your other interests and friends.
- Meeting new girls and new people.
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Learn from this experience. So that you don’t get hurt again in the same way with another girl friend, remember and learn from this experience. You’re only responsible for you and can’t make someone change their flirting. But, you deserve a girl who is willing to be available for you and not use you. Don’t take what she did personally, but do remember how her actions made you feel. Now you’ll know what to watch out for with other girls!^{[16]
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Expert Q&A

Question

How do you know you are being led on?

Kate Dreyfus
Holistic Love Coach & Intuitive Healer
Kate Dreyfus is a dedicated Holistic Love Coach, Holistic Empowerment Coach, Heart-Centered Expert, Intuitive Healer, Workshop Facilitator, and Owner of Evolve & Empower. She has more than ten years of experience supporting her clients successfully entering exclusive, romantic relationships within the USA, the United Kingdom, Canada, and Europe. Kate is devoted to helping others through personal growth and transformation, success in dating and romance, and healing and rebuilding after a breakup. She is also a member of The Biofield Institute, the Healing Touch Professional Association, and the Energy Medicine Professional Association. Kate holds a BA in Psychology from San Francisco State University.

Kate Dreyfus

Holistic Love Coach & Intuitive Healer

Expert Answer

They might tell you that they're interested in you, but never put in the effort of making time to see you. They also might be inconsistent with communication, flake at a moment's notice, and act hot and cold.
Question

How do you ask if someone is leading you on?

Kate Dreyfus
Holistic Love Coach & Intuitive Healer
Kate Dreyfus is a dedicated Holistic Love Coach, Holistic Empowerment Coach, Heart-Centered Expert, Intuitive Healer, Workshop Facilitator, and Owner of Evolve & Empower. She has more than ten years of experience supporting her clients successfully entering exclusive, romantic relationships within the USA, the United Kingdom, Canada, and Europe. Kate is devoted to helping others through personal growth and transformation, success in dating and romance, and healing and rebuilding after a breakup. She is also a member of The Biofield Institute, the Healing Touch Professional Association, and the Energy Medicine Professional Association. Kate holds a BA in Psychology from San Francisco State University.

Kate Dreyfus

Holistic Love Coach & Intuitive Healer

Expert Answer

Try the using the "mediating sandwich" method! Start by sharing your goal for the conversation, which is checking in and making sure that you're both on the same page. Mention what you like about them, and that you've enjoyed spending time with them. Then, ask direct questions, like "Do you like me romantically?" "Are you interested in spending more time with me romantically?" "Are you working toward something more serious?" and "What is your dating style or approach?" These four questions can help you decide if you're on the same page—they're also a great way to clear the air.
Question

What to do after someone leads you on?

Kate Dreyfus
Holistic Love Coach & Intuitive Healer
Kate Dreyfus is a dedicated Holistic Love Coach, Holistic Empowerment Coach, Heart-Centered Expert, Intuitive Healer, Workshop Facilitator, and Owner of Evolve & Empower. She has more than ten years of experience supporting her clients successfully entering exclusive, romantic relationships within the USA, the United Kingdom, Canada, and Europe. Kate is devoted to helping others through personal growth and transformation, success in dating and romance, and healing and rebuilding after a breakup. She is also a member of The Biofield Institute, the Healing Touch Professional Association, and the Energy Medicine Professional Association. Kate holds a BA in Psychology from San Francisco State University.

Kate Dreyfus

Holistic Love Coach & Intuitive Healer

Expert Answer

It's up to you—if you're looking for more from the relationship, it might be better to go your separate ways. Let them know that you've enjoyed spending time with them, but that you think it's best to end your romantic connection.

Warnings

It is never okay to physically or verbally attack the girl for rejecting you, even if you feel like she was leading you on.

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