How to Deal With People Who Put You Down

Co-authored by Trudi Griffin, LPC, MS

Last Updated: October 25, 2022 References Approved

It's not a good feeling when someone calls you names or insults you. It can hurt your feelings when someone criticizes you, makes fun of you, or puts you down. You can deal with people that put you down so that they stop doing it and leave you alone. You just have to learn to take care of yourself and know how to address it when it happens.

Things You Should Know

Tell the other person to stop or ignore it if you’d rather not give them the satisfaction of a response, but avoid getting angry or retaliating in the moment.
Draw the line between comments you’re willing to ignore and comments that need to be addressed. Be assertive but respectful to stop teasing from going any further.
Take care of yourself and manage stress. Understand that put-downs are a reflection of the other person’s insecurity and get support from trusted confidantes.

Method 1

Method 1 of 3:

Addressing It Right Now

1
Avoid reacting immediately. When someone puts you down, deal with it by not immediately reacting to him. Giving a quick comeback or getting angry will reinforce his behavior. It gives him what he wants — a response from you.^{[1]
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Research source}. Also, it's not good for you to act out of anger or other negative emotions. You could do or say something you will regret,^{[2]
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Research source} or you could damage yourself with stress.
- Take a deep breath or two. This will help you to remain calm.
- Slowly count to five while you make sure you are calm.
2
Don't retaliate. You may want to respond with a put-down of your own, but doing this can make you seem as petty as her. It can also increase the tension, and really won't solve the problem.^{[3]
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- Just like reacting immediately, retaliating gives her what she wants.
- Even though you might want to, don't reply to rude comments and posts online with mean posts of your own.
- Avoid gossiping about her later. It may feel good in the moment, but does nothing to solve the problem.^{[4]
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3
Ignore it. Sometimes silence can be the best weapon.^{[5]
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Research source} Ignoring someone that is putting you down denies them the pleasure of a response from you. It keeps you from wasting time and energy on someone that isn't worth it. Plus, her bad behavior will really stand out against your good behavior.
- Just act as though she didn't say anything.
- Continue doing what you were doing without giving her a glance.
- Unless the person is incredibly thick-headed, she will usually leave you alone after being ignored.
4
Tell the person to stop. This is a clear way to let the person know that you want him to quit putting you down. If ignoring the person didn't work or if the situation is especially annoying or hurtful, telling him to stop can help resolve the problem.
- Make sure you are calm. Look him in the eyes and use a controlled, confident, clear voice.
- For example, if a peer insults you, take a few deep breaths and then calmly say, “Stop putting me down.”
- With a co-worker, you might try saying, “I don't like or appreciate how you are talking to me and about me. I want you to stop putting me down.”
- If it's a friend that may not actually be trying to be mean, you might say, “I know you didn't mean to, but what you said hurt my feelings. Please don't put me down like that.”

Method 2

Method 2 of 3:

Developing a Strategy

1
Understand why the person does it. People that put others down may do it for several reasons. It is not always on purpose and may not always be meant to hurt you.^{[6]
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Research source} Understanding what the person's motive is can help you determine how to deal with her.
- Some people do it because they are insecure or jealous. They are trying to feel better about themselves by putting you down.^{[7]
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- Some do it because they are trying to impress someone or get attention.^{[8]
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  Research source} For example, the coworker that criticizes your work in front of the supervisor.
- Others don't realize they are doing it or just don't communicate well. For example, the grandmother that says, “That's a nice shirt. It covers your stomach well.”
- Sometimes people aren't really trying to be mean or hurt your feelings. They may just consider it harmless teasing. For example, a friend that calls you "short stuff".^{[9]
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2
Draw a line. Some comments are just annoying and you can ignore them. Other comments are truly mean and hurtful and should be addressed. Deciding where that line is for you will help you determine how to address the situation.
- For example, when your brother puts you down it may be annoying. But you know he probably doesn't mean it and isn't actually trying to hurt your feelings. You may not even want to address it with him unless it gets way out of hand.
- But, a co-worker that always makes rude remarks to you that are upsetting will probably need to be addressed.
- If the insults are discriminatory or happen a lot, the person is crossing the line and should be reported.
3
Talk to co-workers and peers. People that don't know you well, but put you down are probably doing it for a bad reason (or they could just be annoying). Don't cause a scene, but do let them know that it's not okay.
- If possible, have the conversation in private. This cuts down her need to "put on a show" for other people and maintains the respect of both of you.
- You might say, “During the discussion you made some harsh comments about my idea. I appreciate constructive feedback, but not insults. Please don't do that again.”
- If she starts putting you down while you are trying to talk to her about it, then end the conversation.
- If the behavior continues or gets worse, you may need to report it.
4
Be assertive with friends and siblings. Although it may start as harmless teasing, sometimes it can go too far and you need to tell the person to cut it out. Don't laugh as you tell her to stop or throw in an insult of your own. She won't take you seriously and the put-downs will continue. Be assertive, using a calm, clear voice when you tell her to stop.
- For example, “Hahaha. Cut it out, Dumbo ears” is not a good way to tell your sister to stop putting you down.
- Look her in the eyes and in a calm, serious voice try saying, “Ok. That's enough. I know you think it's funny, but it really bothers me, so I'm asking you to stop.”
- If she doesn't immediately stop, tell her, “I was serious when I asked you to stop,” and then leave. She will most likely come after you and apologize. Sometimes those closest to us don't know when we are serious.
5
Be respectful with superiors. Sometimes parents, teachers, or supervisors put us down, often without knowing it. Let these people know that their put-downs bother you and that you want them to stop. This makes the person aware of what he is doing and how you feel about it. It is also an important step in dealing with the situation long-term.^{[10]
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- Check with your Human Resources Department at work and see what they suggest on how to handle put-downs from superiors.
- Talk to him one-on-one, if you are comfortable doing so. It will make the conversation less awkward for both of you.
- Try saying, “When you call my work silly, it really bothers me.” Or, “I know I don't always get everything done, but please don't call me lazy. It hurts my feelings.”
- Tell another adult you trust or the HR department if you aren't comfortable talking to him one-on-one or if you feel he is putting you down on purpose.

Method 3

Method 3 of 3:

Taking Care of Yourself

1
Don't take it to heart.The person's words are a reflection of her, not of you. If she were a happy person, she would not spend so much time putting down other people around her. Also, she most likely does this to other people and not just you. If you let her put-downs get to you, then she wins. Don't allow what she is saying to lower your self-esteem or make you feel bad about yourself.^{[11]
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- Remind yourself of all your great qualities by making a list of your positive characteristics.
- Write down what she said about you. For each put-down, write three things that prove the put-down isn't true.
- Make a list of all the nice things other people say about you.
2
Use stress management strategies. It can be stressful to have someone put you down, especially if it is on a regular basis. Learn and use some stress reduction techniques to help you deal with the person that is putting you down and the stress it is causing you.
- Practice deep breathing and meditation to help you remain calm when the person is around you.
- Practice mindfulness because it can help you with stress and may even help you tune the person out when he is bothering you.
- Try doing something physical like jogging or going for a swim to release tension.
3
Ask for support. You should tell someone and ask for help if the person is putting you down on all the time or is really mean. Tell someone if the person doing it is an authority figure like a teacher, parent, or supervisor. Using your support systems helps in many ways. They can stand up for you when it's happening or even report what is going on.^{[12]
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- Tell someone you trust about what is happening. Give her as many details as possible so that she can understand the situation. Ask her for help dealing with the person that is putting you down.
- This might be as simple as asking a friend to be there with you when you tell the person to stop.
- It may mean reporting the person to the proper authorities.
4
Hang out with positive people. Spending time with people with a good attitude is a great way to handle the stress of someone putting you down. It also helps you take care of yourself in general. Hanging with positive people can reduce your stress. It can take your mind off of the person who put you down and how it made you feel.^{[13]
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- Try to socialize and talk with people that uplift you on a regular basis.
- Don't just talk about the person putting you down — do something fun!

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Warnings

If the put-downs are because of race, age, gender, sexuality, or disability then make sure to document the incident and report it.

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If you feel threatened or that you may be physically hurt, contact the authorities immediately.

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