How to Deal With Internalized Homophobia

Co-authored by Trudi Griffin, LPC, MS

Last Updated: March 29, 2019 References

Internalized homophobia is when a gay person sees being gay as a bad thing. In some cases, someone who is gay may reject his or her own sexuality. One who is struggling with internalized homophobia may also have an ongoing internal conflict over his or her feelings of sexual attraction and the desire to be heterosexual.^{[1]
X
Research source}^{[2]
X
Trustworthy Source
PubMed Central
Journal archive from the U.S. National Institutes of Health
Go to source} This can be subconsciously developed as a child through a parent's beliefs, attitudes in one's community, the views of one's peers, condemnation from your religious leaders, or even anti-gay laws passed by your government. These anti-gay beliefs can get in the way of having a satisfying personal life, can interfere with professional and personal accomplishment, and can lower one's self-esteem or produce anxiety and depression. If you are struggling with internalized homophobia, there are ways to move towards self-acceptance.

Part 1

Part 1 of 3:

Identifying Internalized Homophobia

1
Be willing to work on your problems. Sometimes it may feel easier to ignore your feelings and push them away. All this really does is build them up until they become totally overwhelming. To deal with internalized homophobia, you need to be willing to tap into these feelings and address them head on.
- Make a conscious choice to identify and eliminate your internalized homophobia. Although it may be difficult, remind yourself why you are doing this. For example, your goal might be to overcome the negative feelings regarding your sexual orientation and to feel happier as a result.
- Keep in mind that internalized homophobia can also cause relationship problems due to the distress it causes. People with internalized homophobia may suffer from shame and anxiety. They may also have a poor outlook of other gay people, including their partners.^{[3]
  X
  Trustworthy Source
  PubMed Central
  Journal archive from the U.S. National Institutes of Health
  Go to source}
2
Ask yourself questions. You can determine if you have internalized homophobia by asking yourself some simple questions. If your answer is yes to any of these questions, then you may have internalized homophobia.^{[4]
X
Research source} Some questions to ask yourself include:
- Have you ever wished you were not attracted to those of the same sex?
- Have you ever tried to make those feelings go away?
- Have you ever felt that your sexual attraction to the same sex is a personal shortcoming?
- Have you tried to make yourself attracted to those of the opposite sex?
- Do you avoid interacting with lesbians, gay men, or bisexual people?
- Do your feelings of attraction to the same sex make you feel alienated from yourself?
Advertisement
3
Consider the impact of internalized homophobia. Consider the ways in which homophobia has shaped your attitudes, behaviors, education, and life choices. Perhaps your internalized homophobia has stopped you from making friends with other LGBT folks or stopped you from attaining some of your life goals.
- For example, perhaps you have avoided mingling with other gay people because of your own rejection of your feelings. Or, perhaps your belief that gay people can’t play sports prevented you from pursuing your passion for soccer in high school.
- Internalized homophobia can even influence how you function in a romantic relationship. Those with internalized homophobia have been shown to have more conflict in their same-sex relationships. This can even lead to domestic violence between same-sex partners.^{[5]
  X
  Trustworthy Source
  PubMed Central
  Journal archive from the U.S. National Institutes of Health
  Go to source}
- In order to fight your internalized homophobia you can try one of the things you have always wanted to do but haven't done yet. If you always wanted to play soccer, join a league. Even better, you may be able to find a gay soccer team to play on!

Part 2

Part 2 of 3:

Eliminating Internalized Homophobia

1
Set goals for yourself. It's important to turn the effects of internalized homophobia around and goal setting is a good place to start. Try setting a goal to do an activity that you have avoided because you thought gay people couldn't do it. For example, if you like sports, you could set a goal to join a gay/lesbian/LGBT sports league.
- If there isn't a LGBT team in your favorite sport in your area, consider starting one.
2
Learn to love yourself. This can be easier said than done and may take some time. Try doing things that build your self-esteem. For instance, develop a sense of style or find a way to express yourself that you weren't able to do in the past. These things will help you to build your self image and your self esteem.
- Do daily affirmations. These are things you say to yourself to remind yourself of all of your positive attributes.^{[6]
  X
  Research source} You can even try leaving yourself notes about how great you are. Having self-affirming messages all over your home can really help you to accept that you are wonderful.
- Treat yourself to a massage, facial, or other treatment that makes your body feel good. If you feel good in your body you are more likely to feel good about yourself.
3
Eliminate the sources of homophobia in your life. Often if you have a bad case of internalized homophobia, your social surroundings are entrenched in anti-gay thought. Homophobia can be overt, as in someone saying something derogatory about gay people, or unstated, in which negative feelings about gay people are simply hinted at or are below the surface of a conversation. If someone you are around has exhibited either type of homophobia, you should avoid that person until they change their ways.
- Were there any out LGBT people when you were in high school? Did your parents talk about how much they hated gays? Perhaps your church was anti-gay? Consider distancing yourself from these anti-gay influences or, alternatively, setting boundaries with the anti-gay people in your life.
- Eliminating other people’s homophobia from your life can benefit your mental and physical health.^{[7]
  X
  Trustworthy Source
  Centers for Disease Control and Prevention
  Main public health institute for the US, run by the Dept. of Health and Human Services
  Go to source}
4
Steer clear of homophobic people. Do you work or go to school with someone who makes negative remarks about gay people or who tells jokes about gay people? If this is the case, try to keep your distance from that person.
- You may also want to report the person to a human resources representative, a teacher, or a school counselor because these kinds of remarks are unacceptable. Having an advocate can help to improve your school or work environment.^{[8]
  X
  Research source}
- Being exposed to negative attitudes about gay people can take its toll on your self-esteem and your self-perception, so it is important to get away from people who have homophobic attitudes.
5
Talk to friends who make homophobic remarks. Finding a 3rd party advocate when someone makes a homophobic comment may not always be possible. For example, if you have a friend who sometimes makes homophobic comments, then you may need to say something to get your friend to stop.
- When you do so, identify what comments were homophobic. For example, if a friend makes a homophobic comment, then you might say something like, “I feel uncomfortable about the way you just used the word ‘gay.’ Can you please find a different way to express yourself in the future?”
- Make sure that you focus on the behavior rather than labeling the person. In other words, don't call the person homophobic. Instead, explain that the remarks the person made are examples of homophobic speech.^{[9]
  X
  Research source}

Part 3

Part 3 of 3:

Reaching Out For Help from Others

1
Spend time with LGBT people. If you are dealing with someone who is homophobic, then ask other LGBT people how they deal or have dealt with homophobia in their own lives. Also, just being around LGBT people on a regular basis can help to you to feel less alone when you are dealing with other people’s homophobia. Forming close relationships with other LGBT people may also help you to fight off any lingering feelings of disgust or self-hate.^{[10]
X
Research source}
- Try spending time volunteering for gay charities or going to a gay community center. Doing a good deed while simultaneously helping yourself overcome your internalized homophobia is a win-win situation.
- If there is a gay bar in your town, you could spend some time there. You do not even need to drink to have a good time socializing in a gay bar.
2
Surround yourself with supportive people. A positive, supportive environment can increase your self-esteem, your outlook on life, and your overall happiness.^{[11]
X
Trustworthy Source
Centers for Disease Control and Prevention
Main public health institute for the US, run by the Dept. of Health and Human Services
Go to source} Try to surround yourself with people who are accepting and supportive of your sexual orientation.
- Surround yourself with friends who are supportive of your sexual orientation. Changing your circle of friends can take time and be difficult emotionally but it's worth it for your mental health and well-being.
- Choose employers who are accepting of LGBT people. If your employer is not supportive of you and you have a hostile work environment, then it may be time to start looking for a new job.
- Some organizations to consider joining are PFLAG or a gay-friendly church.^{[12]
  X
  Research source} These are places where you are sure to find open and welcoming folks who are against homophobia.
3
Seek professional help. If you have depression or your internalized homophobia continues to plague you, consider seeking help from a mental health professional.^{[13]
X
Research source} This could be a psychologist, a therapist, or a counselor. Make sure that they are "gay-affirming," since having a homophobic or subtly homophobic counselor will likely just dig you deeper into a hole.^{[14]
X
Research source}
- Feel free to search around for the perfect person to help you through your problem. You should ask a prospective mental health professional where they stand on LGBT issues and you should say that you are unwilling to work with someone who is homophobic.