How to Date a Military Woman

Last Updated: March 25, 2022

It is easy to over-think your behavior when dating a military woman. The best advice is to be yourself and try not to act any differently. However, as the relationship gets more serious, there are definite aspects of civilian-military relationships that are unique. You need to learn to accept every aspect of your new relationship, especially the periods of distance. Learning the basics of what you can expect from a relationship with a soldier is more important than ever.

Method 1

Method 1 of 3:

Going On a First Date

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Treat her like you would anyone else. Put yourself in her shoes. She has a high profile job that creates stereotypes about her personality. Obviously, she has her own personality just like anyone else. It’s not like she's going to show up for the date in fatigues, so don’t treat her like that.
2
Don’t ask ‘those’ questions. Active service members and veterans get a slew of strange and somewhat uncomfortable questions from civilians. If you’re trying to make a good impression, being just another person to ask one of these will not make you stand out. She probably doesn’t want to talk to you about the mental side effects of violence on a first date, or how it makes her feel.
- Some inappropriate, or at least annoying questions may be: Did you kill anyone? Do you have PTSD? Did you see anybody die? Did you get shot at? Was it hot? ^{[1]
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Don’t overthink gender roles if you're a guy. Relations are in a period of transition. Adding the expectations and stereotypes of military women can make this more confusing. The best way to act around military women is simply not any different. Be yourself and be respectful.
- If you’re the kind of person who opens doors for people, continue to do that. If you don’t generally do that, finding ways to ‘treat her like a woman’ is not necessary.
- Men dating a military woman shouldn't feel the need to act more masculine around her.
4
Avoid talking about the politics of war. If you disapprove of any and all war, dating someone in the military is a recipe for disaster. On the other hand, don’t come off as a cheerleader for the military. Going out of your way to praise service people will sound like you are just trying to kiss up to her.
- It’s natural, especially if there are big current events, to bring up politics in conversation. If you regularly discuss politics, don’t hide your interests from her because she's in the military. In this case, however, avoid making overt statements of approval or disapproval with the military.
5
Don’t ignore the elephant in the room. The best way to behave naturally is to acknowledge something obvious to both of you, if needed. She is a female soldier. You are a civilian. This is a new and strange dynamic that has not been common in American culture thus far. If you would feel more at ease mentioning this up front, she will likely respect your honesty.
- For example, you might say something like: “I’ve never gone on a date with someone in the military before. I’m trying to act like I would around anyone else, but I want you to know this is uncharted territory for me.”

Method 2

Method 2 of 3:

Dating During Deployment

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Accept this part of your relationship. If your girlfriend is career military, long-distance dating may become a regular part of your relationship. You will have to make peace with her being away, and recognize her service to the country. If you love her, it is likely that her sacrifice is part of your attraction.
2
Stick to normal hobbies. Don’t begin doing anything you wouldn’t do when she is at home. If you normally go out to bars, keep doing that. If not, don’t start. Since this may become a regular part of your relationship, creating stability between times she is here and away is important for both of you. It helps her imagine where you are day-to-day, and helps you cope with her absence.
3
Send her phone cards. One of the best ways to wow your military girlfriend or wife is to make it easy for her to communicate with you and others. Send her phone cards so she doesn’t have to worry about that logistical detail when she's on leave. It’s also a loving and subtle reminder that you are there and ready to talk when she is.^{[2]
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Call or video chat. Modern technology has made long-distance relationships much more bearable. Calling on the phone is the bare minimum, and video chat is better. Being able to see each other in your respective environments helps you picture each other. Don’t start hating these methods of communication, because they are a part of your life now.
- Long-distance relationships have a tendency to reinforce idealized versions of a person in their partner’s head. Seeing each other helps you keep track of little details, like hairstyle changes. Facial expressions are also a better indicator of feelings than voice alone.

Method 3

Method 3 of 3:

Dating After Deployment

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Avoid becoming ‘more military.’ When your partner comes home, don’t try to compensate for your non-military job in any way. Making the house uncharacteristically neat or forcing yourself to wake up much earlier than normal will be an uncomfortable adjustment for both of you. As always, be yourself. After all, she chose to date someone who is not in the military.
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Accept that her temperament may have changed. Many women who return from the military, and even active duty, act more masculine. You may find that she acts like ‘one of the guys’ around you, or displays locker room behavior. This may make your relationship dynamic different than it was before deployment. She may slowly return to her former civilian personality, but accept her as she is. After all, you are not going to be the exact same person either.^{[3]
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- For men dating a military woman, it would be wrong of you to ask her to play housewife when she returns from being a completely different person. You are trying not to change yourself around her – let her do the same.
3
Don’t be shocked by aggressiveness. It is common for returning veterans to be more aggressive than they were before deployment. This applies to women as well. As long as there is no physical or emotional abuse, give her space to readjust to civilian life. This is a natural component of her chosen career.
- This does not mean joining in with her. Wrestling or physically fighting with her may start playfully and become much worse.
- Gently let her know if her aggressiveness is getting out of hand or becoming unwelcome. Giving her space does not mean tolerating actual abuse.
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Make dialogues possible. Though you shouldn’t ask probing questions about her service, she may need to eventually talk. Even though she probably realizes it, let her know you are always happy to listen. Veterans who start bottling up their feelings early after discharge are setting a precedent for avoiding communication that will be hard for them to break. Being a listening ear and a shoulder to cry on are important roles for you to play in your relationship. ^{[4]
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Consider counseling or support groups. If readjusting to civilian life is hard on either or both of you, consider talking to a professional. It can be just one of you, or couples counseling. There are also support groups for veterans of all wars, veterans who are women, significant others, and so on. Do a web search to find groups in your area.

Expert Q&A

Question

How can I help my girlfriend with PTSD?

Elvina Lui, MFT
Relationship Expert
Elvina Lui is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist specializing in relationship counseling based in the San Francisco Bay Area. Elvina received her Masters in Counseling from Western Seminary in 2007 and trained under the Asian Family Institute in San Francisco and the New Life Community Services in Santa Cruz. She has over 13 years of counseling experience and is trained in the harm reduction model.

Elvina Lui, MFT

Relationship Expert

Expert Answer

Encourage her to get help if she exhibits common signs of trauma. This may present as anxiety or mood swings, insomnia, emotional detachment, or in some other way. She may have Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. Though PTSD can be a challenge to overcome in a relationship, it is a treatable condition, especially with a loving and supportive partner.

Warnings

If you have expressed that aggressive behaviors have become unwanted but they continue, seek help. Contact the police in any emergency, and report the behavior to Veterans’ Affairs.^{[5]
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