How to Court a Man

Co-authored by Chloe Carmichael, PhD

Last Updated: November 13, 2022 References

Courtship is the process by which two people get to know one another and decide if they have the possibility of a future together. Courting is different than dating in that courtship is a bit more serious, often with religious motivations and looking to the future with marriage as the ultimate goal. Sometimes courting can be more restricted than dating – with chaperone supervision, strict physical boundaries, or predetermined periods of interaction. If you want to court a man, you should make sure that you are compatible by spending time together, learning about his interests and background, and talking about your respective goals for the future.

Part 1

Part 1 of 3:

Sending Appropriate Signals

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Make your intentions clear. Courtship usually leads to marriage; it is a serious, forward-looking way to determine if you could spend your life with someone. Make sure that your man understands your intentions and what courtship means to you.
- Tell him that courtship is something you take seriously because it’s a great way to spend time together while still respecting your religious values. It’s also a good way to build a solid foundation for a relationship.
2
Be approachable and friendly towards the man you’re courting. When you are trying to attract the attention of a man, you should try to make yourself seem as approachable as possible. You want to appear friendly and engaging, like a person he would want to get to know.
- This means that you should try to project a warm, welcoming smile whenever you are around him.
- You should also have open body language – uncrossed arms, open space between you (don’t hold objects, like your purse, in front of your body), and direct eye contact.
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Show interest in him. Make it clear that you are interested in courting your man. Send him messages and be responsive when he contacts you. Let him know you are thinking about him. Make it obvious that you are excited to see your man and spend time with him.
- Remember to send him cute little messages when you are apart, especially if it’s for an extended period of time. Even something as simple as “I’m thinking about you!” can really brighten his day.
- Do small things to show him you care – like making him dinner as a surprise, getting concert tickets to a band he likes, or planning an unexpected day trip somewhere fun.
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Get to know his friends. Investing time in building relationships with his friends is a great way to show a man that you are seriously committed to this courtship. Try to spend some time with his friends and get to know them personally.
- Invite him and his friends over to watch a sporting event. Or make arrangements to go to a live concert as a group.
- You can even just try to tag along with the friends when they already have something planned. Just be careful to read the situation to make sure it’s okay that you join in.

Part 2

Part 2 of 3:

Determining Compatibility

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Ask questions about his background as you’re getting to know each other. In order to determine compatibility, it’s important that you learn about each other’s history. You’ll need to know what happened to your man in the past if you want to fully understand who he is and how he’ll respond to certain situations.
- Don’t ask him all the questions at once. You don’t want to seem like you’re interrogating him. But, over time, bring up an important question every now and then when you have some alone time together.
- Ask him about his experiences growing up. Where did he live? What schools did he go to? Did he get along with his siblings? Where did his family go on vacations?
- Ask him about past relationships. How many romantic partners has he had in the past? How long was his longest relationship? What were some of the reasons those relationships ended?
- It might also be a good idea to bring up sexual history – ask how many sexual partners he has had.
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Find common ground. Try to find interests that you share in common with him. All good relationships have a foundation built on some kind of compatibility – and often times the easiest way to build this, initially, is to discover things that you have in common and forge ahead to figure out the rest.^{[1]
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- Maybe you have a similar taste in movies or music. Ask him what his favorite books and TV shows are. These are great ways to bond with a man you are trying to court, especially in the beginning of a new courtship.
- If you enjoy some of the same activities (playing or watching sports, traveling to new places, going to the beach, bicycling around town, going to the dog park), you should make an effort to do these activities together so that you can bond and get to know each other better.
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Meet his family when things start to get serious. If you want to seriously court a man, you’ll need to meet his family. Courting often leads to marriage, and marriage involves the family. So it’s important that you meet his family and get along with them for the most part. Try to interact with his immediate family members (parents and siblings) and see if you can picture being part of their family.^{[2]
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- Start slow with a dinner or a weekend visit. As you get closer to your man, try to spend holidays or longer visits with him and his family to make sure that you feel included in the family dynamic and you are comfortable around them.
- Seeing how a man interacts with his family can often be a good indicator of how he’ll treat you over time.
4
Talk about your hopes for the future. Since courtship is typically focused on determining compatibility for a future as a couple, it’s important to know from the beginning if you have the same hopes and plans for the future. You need to make sure that you both agree on some very foundational elements of relationships – namely, marriage, babies, and location.
- If you want to get married and he doesn’t, then this isn’t a good match.
- If you want to have children in the future and he doesn’t, then that could cause major problems in the future.
- If he always wants to live in his hometown and you want to travel or experience a new city, this might be problematic for your relationship down the road.

Part 3

Part 3 of 3:

Setting Boundaries

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Set physical boundaries. You should consider discussing with your partner what levels of physical intimacy you are comfortable with. If you are not interested in having sex before marriage, make sure he is on the same page as you. If you have other sexual expectations, you should discuss these with him to ensure you both agree.^{[3]
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- If one person has different expectations than the other, this can cause a lot of problems. Even if you have different desired levels of physical intimacy, you can usually negotiate this difference if you communicate honestly and openly with each other.
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Use chaperones to avoid temptation if you are a younger person in a courtship. If you want to get to the marriage step, it may be important to avoid spending too much alone time together while you are courting – especially if you are relatively young and you have a religious background. Hanging out together in supervised settings helps minimize the temptation for making bad decisions or becoming physically intimate in a way you may not be ready for.^{[4]
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- Being chaperoned will also help others (especially your family) observe your relationship so that they are better able to give their support when the time comes for marriage.
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Ask a trusted advisor for advice if you encounter a relationship problem. It’s important to work on your relationship while you’re courting a guy. If you encounter a problem, don’t be afraid to ask for advice from a trusted friend, relative, religious leader, or counselor. Relationship counseling might be a good idea to help you both learn how to handle conflict and disagreements appropriately.^{[5]
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- Your parents can be a great source of relationship advice, especially if they are participating in your courtship by chaperoning you.

Expert Q&A

Question

How do you show a guy you really like him?

Chloe Carmichael, PhD
Relationship Expert
Chloe Carmichael, PhD is a Licensed Clinical Psychologist who runs a private practice in New York City. With over a decade of psychological consulting experience, Dr. Chloe specializes in relationship issues, stress management, self esteem, and career coaching. She has also instructed undergraduate courses at Long Island University and has served as adjunct faculty at the City University of New York. Dr. Chloe completed her PhD in Clinical Psychology at Long Island University in Brooklyn, New York and her clinical training at Lenox Hill Hospital and Kings County Hospital. She is accredited by the American Psychological Association and is the author of “Nervous Energy: Harness the Power of Your Anxiety” and “Dr. Chloe's 10 Commandments of Dating.”

Chloe Carmichael, PhD

Relationship Expert

Expert Answer

Look for special ways to express your interest. Make sure that whatever you do is special to him. If you notice he's a food-lover, you might ask him to go to a nice restaurant or cook a meal together, or if he loves the outdoors you could invite him on a hike. By doing these special things, you will show him that you're serious about him and his interests and a possible relationship.
Question

How do you tell if a relationship is going anywhere?

Moshe Ratson, MFT, PCC
Marriage & Family Therapist
Moshe Ratson is the Executive Director of spiral2grow Marriage & Family Therapy, a coaching and therapy clinic in New York City. Moshe is an International Coach Federation accredited Professional Certified Coach (PCC). He received his MS in Marriage and Family Therapy from Iona College. Moshe is a clinical member of the American Association of Marriage and Family Therapy (AAMFT), and a member of the International Coach Federation (ICF).

Moshe Ratson, MFT, PCC

Marriage & Family Therapist

Expert Answer

Discuss your intentions so you each understand what the other wants. If you're looking for a spouse, you might not say that as soon as you introduce yourself, but when the time is right, you should make sure you let a potential match know that. When you're clear about what you want from a relationship, it conveys maturity and confidence. It will also lead to a clearer understanding of each other's motives.