How to Cope with Perfectionist Parents

Co-authored by Kelli Miller, LCSW, MSW

Last Updated: March 23, 2023 References

Whether you’re fourteen or forty, dealing with perfectionist parents can be tough. It’s easy to feel inadequate when your parents never seem to be satisfied with your accomplishments, grades, and life choices. Perfectionism can lead to emotional suppression, shame, addiction, and stress among individuals and people around them. Children of perfectionists often struggle with anxiety and low self-esteem, and many grow up to become perfectionists themselves. But you don’t have to let your parents’ perfectionism control you. Learn to cope by dealing with criticism in healthy ways, building up your self-esteem, and avoiding perfectionism in your own life.

Method 1

Method 1 of 3:

Dealing with Criticism

1
Learn to spot perfectionist expectations. Take some time to learn about perfectionist tendencies. Perfectionists often equate mistakes to failure and set high personal standards. A perfectionist parent may also:^{[1]
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- Set high expectations for their children
- Frequently criticize others' actions
- Doubt in others' ability to accomplish tasks
- Emphasize organization and order
2
Talk to your parents. Let your parents know how their unrealistic expectations make you feel.^{[2]
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Expert Source

Kelli Miller, LCSW, MSW
Psychotherapist
Expert Interview. 11 June 2020.} They may not know how their behavior is affecting you.
- Be as tactful as you can, especially if you think your parents aren’t intentionally making you feel bad.
- For instance, say something like, “Dad, it really means a lot to me that you always come to watch me play soccer, but when you compare me to my teammates, I have a hard time enjoying the game.”
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3
Try to determine their motives. If you can spot the underlying reason behind your parent's perfectionist tendencies, this may help you better cope. Plus, bringing awareness to what they are doing just may help them decrease the behaviors.^{[3]
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- You might ask your parents, "Can you explain to me why you hold me to such high standards? Where do these beliefs come from?"
- If you don't think your parents will be open to this type of dialogue, it may be practical to talk to other family members or try to understand your parents' upbringing.
4
Devise a solution together. If your parents are willing to work with you, you can think of potential solutions together. For instance, you might set stronger boundaries with your parents or enforce consequences when their perfectionism interferes with your life. You might also ask them how you can help them decrease these undesirable behaviors.^{[4]
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- For example, your dad doesn't approve of your boyfriend so he constantly tries to scare him away and sabotage the relationship. You might say, "Dad, I know you want the best for me, but I love Damien. I think he's a good choice for me. If you can't respect my dating decisions, I will have to stop coming around so much."
5
Tune out criticism. Instead of taking your parents’ criticism to heart, look for ways to let it roll off you. Remind yourself that your parents’ standards aren’t reasonable. If they frequently criticize everyone, not just you, keep in mind that their behavior is a long-established habit.^{[5]
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- A mantra can be helpful when you’re learning to tune out criticism.
- For instance, try telling yourself, “This is only my mother’s perfectionism talking.”
6
Focus on your own needs and desires. If you’re in the habit of ignoring your own wishes, start paying attention to what you want. Live according to your own values and goals instead of endlessly chasing your parents’ approval.^{[6]
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- For instance, if you are in school, take classes and participate in extracurricular activities that reflect your interests.
- Putting your own needs first might take some practice if you’re in the habit of trying to please others. Remember, though, that you are the one who has to live your life – not your parents.
7
Consider talking to a therapist.^{[7]
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Expert Source

Kelli Miller, LCSW, MSW
Psychotherapist
Expert Interview. 11 June 2020.} Children of perfectionists are especially vulnerable to developing anxiety disorders and depression. If your mood has taken a turn for the worse, or if you’re struggling to cope with the pressure of your parents’ expectations, make an appointment with a mental health professional.^{[8]
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- If you are a student, you can probably talk to a school counselor for free.

Method 2

Method 2 of 3:

Building Your Self-Esteem

1
Avoid taking your parents’ perfectionism personally. Your parents’ perfectionism says more about their personal issues than it does about you. Maybe their parents were overly critical of them, too, or maybe they don’t know how to tell you they care about you in a healthy way.^{[9]
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- Learn to give yourself praise rather than relying on other's approval. Practice giving yourself a compliment after each time you feel put down by your parent's remarks.
2
Make a list of your positive qualities. Take five or ten minutes to write down everything you like about yourself. Include personality traits, skills, and habits that you’re proud of. Save your list, and glance at it when you’re feeling down about yourself.
- If you have a poor self-image, ask a trusted friend to help you come up with a list of your best traits.
3
Take pride in your accomplishments. You don’t need your parents’ permission to be proud of the things you’ve achieved so far. Think back on your successes, big and small, and congratulate yourself.^{[10]
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- Your accomplishments don’t have to be perfect or life-changing to be worthy of pride. For instance, starting a successful business is an impressive achievement, but so is studying hard to bring your history grade from a D up to a B.
4
Spend time with positive people. The people you surround yourself with have a big impact on how you see yourself. If you feel stressed or anxious around your parents, seek out people who are supportive and accepting of you instead.^{[11]
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- For instance, you could spend more time with your friends and their parents.
5
Avoid comparisons.^{[12]
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Expert Source

Kelli Miller, LCSW, MSW
Psychotherapist
Expert Interview. 11 June 2020.} A competitive mindset makes you see yourself, as well as everyone else, in a negative light. If you’re in the habit of comparing yourself to other people, stop. Focus on appreciating people’s positive qualities without putting yourself down in the process.^{[13]
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Method 3

Method 3 of 3:

Avoiding Perfectionism

1
Allow yourself to feel your emotions without judgment. Don’t repress or deny your feelings, especially negative ones like anger and sadness. Instead, find healthy ways to express yourself and release your emotions. Try meditating, writing in a journal, or venting to a friend.^{[14]
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- Many perfectionist parents discourage their kids from expressing their feelings. This habit can carry over into adulthood and cause emotional problems later in life.
2
Keep an eye on your self-talk. If your parents often speak critically to you, you might be in the habit of talking to yourself the same way. Notice whether your inner dialogue is positive or negative. If your inner voice is often critical or disparaging, practice talking to yourself more kindly.^{[15]
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- For instance, instead of telling yourself, “I can’t learn math,” say something like, “I’m going to have to work extra hard to learn this, but I’ve learned hard things before.”
3
Remember that mistakes are necessary. Don’t let the fear of making mistakes hold you back from trying new things. It’s impossible to learn and improve yourself without having a few stumbles along the way.
- Making mistakes is normal, and everyone does it. Reasonable people probably won’t hold your mistakes against you.
- Instead of trying to avoid mistakes, learn how to recover from them gracefully. If you accidentally hurt someone else, apologize and do your best to make it right. If you embarrass yourself, laugh it off and move on.
4
Focus on improvement, not perfection.^{[16]
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Expert Source

Kelli Miller, LCSW, MSW
Psychotherapist
Expert Interview. 11 June 2020.} Try to make every day a little better than yesterday was. When you make a mistake, focus on learning from it, so you’ll be less likely to repeat it.^{[17]
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- To avoid striving for the impossible goal of perfection, make a list of concrete actions you can take to improve yourself every day.
- For instance, if you want to develop better money habits, you could create a budget, start cooking more meals at home, and visit the library instead of the bookstore.
5
Be mindful about how you raise your own kids. Bad habits like perfectionism can easily get passed down through the generations. If you have children of your own, encourage them to do their best, but be careful not to put too much pressure on them.^{[18]
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- For instance, instead of saying to your child "I'm really disappointed you didn't earn straight A's this semester," you might say something with less pressure like "I'm satisfied with your grades as long as you can honestly say you gave it your very best."

Expert Q&A

Question

How do you deal with a husband who is a perfectionist?

Kelli Miller, LCSW, MSW
Relationship Coach
Kelli Miller is a Psychotherapist based in Los Angeles, California. Kelli specializes in individual and couples therapy focusing on relationships, depression, anxiety, sexuality, communication, parenting, and more. Kelli also facilitates groups for those struggling with alcohol and drug addiction as well as anger management groups. She is the author of “Professor Kelli’s Guide to Finding a Husband” and the award-winning and best-selling book “Thriving with ADHD”. Kelli co-hosted an advice show on LA Talk Radio and is a relationship expert for The Examiner. She received her MSW (Masters of Social Work) from the University of Pennsylvania and a BA in Sociology/Health from the University of Florida.

Kelli Miller, LCSW, MSW

Relationship Coach

Expert Answer

Remind your husband that it's about progress, not perfection. As long as he's improving, he should be proud of himself. Perfectionism can also be caused by anxiety, so encourage your husband to take some time to relax and work through those feelings.
Question

How do you strive for progress not perfection?

Kelli Miller, LCSW, MSW
Relationship Coach
Kelli Miller is a Psychotherapist based in Los Angeles, California. Kelli specializes in individual and couples therapy focusing on relationships, depression, anxiety, sexuality, communication, parenting, and more. Kelli also facilitates groups for those struggling with alcohol and drug addiction as well as anger management groups. She is the author of “Professor Kelli’s Guide to Finding a Husband” and the award-winning and best-selling book “Thriving with ADHD”. Kelli co-hosted an advice show on LA Talk Radio and is a relationship expert for The Examiner. She received her MSW (Masters of Social Work) from the University of Pennsylvania and a BA in Sociology/Health from the University of Florida.

Kelli Miller, LCSW, MSW

Relationship Coach

Expert Answer

Focus on just making improvements, not on doing things perfectly. Any improvement is progress, even if it's just a small amount.
Question

How do I get rid of family pressure?

Kelli Miller, LCSW, MSW
Relationship Coach
Kelli Miller is a Psychotherapist based in Los Angeles, California. Kelli specializes in individual and couples therapy focusing on relationships, depression, anxiety, sexuality, communication, parenting, and more. Kelli also facilitates groups for those struggling with alcohol and drug addiction as well as anger management groups. She is the author of “Professor Kelli’s Guide to Finding a Husband” and the award-winning and best-selling book “Thriving with ADHD”. Kelli co-hosted an advice show on LA Talk Radio and is a relationship expert for The Examiner. She received her MSW (Masters of Social Work) from the University of Pennsylvania and a BA in Sociology/Health from the University of Florida.

Kelli Miller, LCSW, MSW

Relationship Coach

Expert Answer

Try talking to your parents about how you feel. Tell them their expectations are weighing too heavily on you. If you're still struggling, talking to a therapist or counselor can help you.