X
This article was co-authored by Trudi Griffin, LPC, MS. Trudi Griffin is a Licensed Professional Counselor in Wisconsin specializing in Addictions and Mental Health. She provides therapy to people who struggle with addictions, mental health, and trauma in community health settings and private practice. She received her MS in Clinical Mental Health Counseling from Marquette University in 2011.
There are 46 references cited in this article, which can be found at the bottom of the page.
This article has been viewed 594,799 times.
Take a long, deep breath. Stop what you're doing, and find a quiet place to re-center yourself. Remove yourself from the stressful situation. Focus on the slow, steady rhythm of your breathing. If you can't easily calm yourself down, try to distract yourself with things that set your mind at ease: listen to your favorite song, or take a warm bath, or go for a run. Above all, remember that this moment will pass. Calm will return in time.
Steps
Learning Techniques to Calm Down
Method 1
Method 1 of 3:
Using Immediate Calming Techniques
-
1Stop what you're doing. One of the best ways to calm down is to stop interacting with what’s upsetting you. In the short term, this may mean telling the person you’re speaking with that you need to take a quick break. If you’re with company, politely excuse yourself for a moment. Get to a quiet place away from what’s upsetting you and focus on calming thoughts.
-
2Re-focus your senses. When we're anxious, upset, or angry, our bodies go into "flight or fight" mode. Our sympathetic nervous system kicks our bodies into high gear by activating hormones like adrenaline. These hormones boost your heart rate and breathing, tense your muscles, and constrict blood vessels.[1] Take a break from what is causing this stress response and focus on what your body is experiencing. This can help you stay in the present and reduce what's known as "automatic reactivity."[2]
- "Automatic reactivity" happens when your brain forms habits of reacting to stimuli, such as stressors. You brain activates these habitual pathways whenever it encounters that stimulus. Studies have shown that breaking the circuit of this reaction by refocusing on what your sensory experiences actually are can help your brain make new “habits.”[3]
- Don’t judge your experiences, just acknowledge them. For example, if you’re really angry about something someone just said, your heart is probably beating faster, and your face may be flushed or feel hot. Acknowledge these sensory details, but don’t judge them as being “wrong” or “right.”[4]
Advertisement -
3Breathe. When your body’s sympathetic nervous system is activated by stress, one of the first things to do is your calm, even breathing. Focusing on breathing deeply and evenly has a host of benefits. It restores oxygen to your body, regulates your brain’s brainwaves, and decreases the level of lactate in your blood. These things help you feel calm and relaxed.[5] [6]
- Breathe from your diaphragm, not your upper chest. If you place your hand on your belly just below your ribs, you should be able to feel your abdomen rise when you inhale and fall when you exhale.
- Sit upright, stand, or lie flat on your back to help your chest stay open. It’s harder to breathe when you’re slouched. Inhale slowly through your nose for a count of 10. You should feel your lungs and belly expand as they fill with air. Then, slowly exhale through your nose or mouth. Aim for 6-10 deep, cleansing breaths per minute.
- Focus on the rhythm of your breathing. Try not to let yourself get distracted by anything else, including how upset you might feel. You can count your breaths if you feel yourself getting distracted, or repeat a calming word or phrase.[7]
- As you breathe in, envision a beautiful golden light that represents love and acceptance. Feel its relaxing warmth spread from your lungs to your heart, and then throughout your body. As you slowly exhale, imagine that all of your stress is leaving your body. Repeat 3 or 4 times.
-
4Relax your muscles. When emotional or stress responses occur, your body’s muscles tense and tighten. You may literally feel “wound up.” Progressive Muscle Relaxation, or PMR, can help you consciously release the tension in your body by tensing and then releasing particular muscle groups. With a little practice, PMR can help you bust stress and anxiety very quickly.[8]
- There are several free guided PMR routines available online. MIT has a free eleven-minute audio guide to PMR.[9]
- Find a quiet, comfortable place. It should be relatively dark.
- Lie down or sit comfortably. Loosen or remove tight clothing.
- Focus on a particular muscle group. You can start at your toes and work up, or start with your forehead and work down.
- Tense all the muscles in that group as hard as you can. For example, if you’re starting with your head, raise your eyebrows as far as they will go and open your eyes wide. Hold for 5 seconds, then release. Squeeze your eyes shut tightly. Hold for 5 seconds, then release.
- Move to the next muscle group and tense those muscles. For example, purse your lips tightly for 5 seconds, then release. Then, smile as wide as you can for 5 seconds, then release.
- Progress through the rest of your muscle groups, such as neck, shoulders, arms, chest, stomach, buttocks, thighs, lower legs, feet, and toes.
-
5Distract yourself. If you can, distract yourself from worrying over what has you upset. If you allow yourself to focus on what has upset you, you could set off a cycle of ruminating, where you think the same thoughts over and over again. Ruminating fosters anxiety and depressive symptoms.[10] Distraction is not a long-term solution, but it can be a good way to get your mind off your troubles long enough for you to calm down. Then, you can return to deal with the issue with a clear head.[11]
- Chat with a friend. Socializing with someone you love will help take your mind off what has upset you and will help you feel relaxed and loved. Studies have shown that rats who are able to socialize with each other develop fewer ulcers from stress than rats who are all alone.[12]
- Watch a happy movie or a funny TV show. “Silly humor” can help calm you down and get some distances from what’s upset you. Try to keep away from bitter or sarcastic humor, however, as it may make you angrier, not less.[13]
- Listen to some soothing music. Find music with around 70 beats per minute (Classical and soft “New Age” pop like Enya are good choices). Angry or driving beats may actually make you feel more upset, not less.[14]
- Look at pictures that give you a lift. Humans are biologically prone to find small things with big eyes -- like puppies and babies --- adorable. Looking up some cute kitten pictures may actually inspire a chemical “happiness” reaction.[15]
- Go somewhere and shake all your limbs, like a wet dog does. “Shaking it off” may help you feel better because it gives your brain new sensations to process.[16]
-
6
-
7Use soothing touch. When humans are touched with kindness, our bodies release oxytocin, a powerful mood elevator.[21] While you can also get this boost from a friendly hug, you can also relax yourself with your own touch.
- Put your hand over your heart. Focus on the warmth of your skin and the beat of your heart. Allow yourself to breathe slowly and evenly. Feel your chest expand as you inhale and fall as you exhale.
- Give yourself a hug. Cross your arms over your chest and put your hands on your upper arms. Give yourself a little squeeze. Notice the warmth and pressure of your hands and arms.
- Cup your face with your hands. You can stroke the muscles of your jaw or near your eyes with your fingertips. Run your hands through your hair. Give yourself a scalp massage.
Advertisement
Method 2
Method 2 of 3:
Improving Your Calm
-
1Check your dietary habits. The body and mind are not separate entities. What one does directly impacts the other, and this is true for your diet as well. [22]
- Reduce caffeine. Caffeine is a stimulant. Too much can make you feel jittery and anxious.
- Eat foods high in protein. Protein can help you feel fuller for longer, and can keep your blood sugar from plummeting or spiking throughout the day. Lean proteins such as poultry and fish are great choices.[23]
- Complex carbohydrates with a lot of fiber may cause your brain to release serotonin, a relaxing hormone. Good options include whole-grain breads and pastas, brown rice, beans and lentils, and fruits and vegetables.[24]
- Avoid high-sugar and high-fat foods. These can make you feel more stressed and upset.[25]
- Limit alcohol intake. Alcohol is a depressant, so it may initially make you feel calmer. However, it can also cause depressive symptoms, and it may make you feel on edge. It can interfere with your healthy sleep patterns, which will make you more irritable.[26]
-
2Get exercise. Physical exercise releases endorphins, your body’s natural “feel-good” chemicals.[27] [28] You don’t have to be a bodybuilder to get this effect, either. Research has shown that even moderate exercise, such as walking and gardening, can help you feel calmer, happier, and more relaxed.[29]
-
3Meditate. Meditation has a long and respected history in Eastern traditions. Scientific studies have also shown that meditation can promote relaxation and feelings of well-being. It can even rewire how your brain deals with outside stimuli.[32] There are many types of meditation, although "mindfulness" meditation is one of the types with the most research support.[33]
-
4Think about what made you upset. Stressors can build up so gradually that we are not even aware of them. In many cases, it’s not one big event that makes you lose your cool but a mountain of small annoyances and irritations that have built up over time.[36]
- Try to distinguish between primary and secondary emotions. For example, if you were supposed to meet a friend at the movies and s/he never showed, you might immediately feel hurt. That would be the primary emotion. You might then feel frustrated, disappointed, or angry. These would be the secondary emotions. Having an idea of the source of your feelings can help you figure out why you’re experiencing these feelings.[37]
- More often than not, you’ll feel more than one thing at once. Try to sort through what you are feeling and give each experience a name. Once you have named your emotion, you will have a better sense of how to handle it.
- One common reason people feel upset is that they believe things ought to go a certain way (usually, their way). Remind yourself that you will never be able to control everything in life -- nor should you want to.[38]
- Don’t judge these emotional responses. Acknowledge and try to understand them.
-
5Avoid upsetting scenarios when possible. Obviously, it’s impossible to never become upset. Experiencing unpleasant or troubling events and experiences is part of being human. However, if you are able to remove stressors from your life, you will be able to better handle the ones that you simply can’t avoid.[39]
- You can try to “outsmart” upsetting situations. For example, if you find getting stuck in rush hour traffic upsetting -- and who doesn’t? -- you could consider leaving earlier or later from work, or find an alternate route.
- Look for the bright side. Reframing upsetting situations as learning experiences can help you stay calm because you're giving yourself some power. Rather than just being something that happens to you, the situation becomes something you can use to learn for the future.[40]
- If people are upsetting you, consider why. What exactly about their behavior is bothering you? Are you doing the same things as they are? Trying to understand a person’s motivation may help keep you from being as upset. Remember, we’re all human, and we all have bad days.
-
6Express your feelings. There is nothing inherently unhealthy with any emotion, including anger.[41] What can be unhealthy is ignoring or repressing your feelings instead of acknowledging them.[42]
- Acknowledging your feelings doesn’t mean you mope or feel sorry for yourself, or that you blow your lid and rage at others. Instead, you acknowledge that you are human, and that experiencing a range of emotions is natural for humans. Your feelings occur, and they should not be judged. Your responses to your emotions are what you’re in charge of.[43]
- Once you have acknowledged your feelings, think about how you can respond to them. For example, it may be perfectly natural to feel angry if your contribution to a big project has been overlooked, or if a romantic partner has been unfaithful to you. However, you have a choice whether you let your anger explode, or whether you use techniques such as those in this article to calm yourself down and handle your feelings with care.
-
7Spend time with others who calm you. Research has shown that humans tend to let others’ emotions “rub off” on us. The anxiety levels of those we spend time with can affect our own. Spend time with people whom you find relaxing and calming, and you’ll feel more calm yourself.[44]
- Try to spend time with people whom you feel support you. Feeling isolated or judged can increase feelings of stress.
-
8See a therapist or counselor. A common myth is that you have to have huge “issues” to see a therapist, but this isn’t true. A therapist can help you process your feelings and learn to cope with even everyday anxiety and stress in more healthy, helpful ways.
- Many organizations provide therapy and counseling services. Contact a community clinic or health center, hospital, or even a private provider for services.
Advertisement
Method 3
Method 3 of 3:
Handling Upsetting Situations
-
1Practice STOPP-ing. STOPP is a handy acronym to help you remember to keep your calm in a situation. It has five easy steps:[45]
- Stop your immediate reaction. “Automatic thoughts” are habits of thinking that we’ve become accustomed to over our lives, but they’re often damaging. Stop what you’re doing and wait to react for a moment.
- Take a breath. Use the deep breathing techniques in this article to take a few deep, calming breaths. You’ll think better afterward.
- Observe what’s happening. Ask yourself what you’re thinking, what you’re focusing on, what you’re reacting to, and what sensations you’re experiencing in your body.
- Pull back from the situation. Look at the bigger picture. Are your thoughts fact-based, or opinion? Is there another way to look at the situation? How do your reactions affect others? How would I want others to react here? How important is this, really?
- Practice what works. Consider what the consequences of your actions are, for you and for others. What’s the best way to handle this? Choose what will be most helpful.
-
2Watch out for personalization. One common distortion in our thinking habits is personalization, where we make ourselves responsible for things that are not our responsibility. This can lead to us feeling angry and upset, because we can’t control others’ actions. We can, however, control our responses.
- For example, imagine that a coworker who often has anger issues yells at you for something. This is understandably upsetting. It’s not appropriate behavior. Now you have a choice: you can react automatically, or you can stop and think about what might really be going on.
- An automatic reaction might be “Joe must really be angry with me. What did I do? I hate this!” While understandable, this reaction doesn’t really help you calm down.
- A more helpful reaction could look like this: “Joe yelled me. That sucked, but I’m not the only person he yells at, and he flies off the handle pretty easily. He could be responding to something else in his life. Or he could just be an angry person. I don’t think I did anything wrong in this situation. His yelling isn’t fair, but it isn’t my problem.” These statements acknowledge that you feel upset, but focus on a way to avoid obsessing over it.
- Note that watching out for personalization is not the same as accepting abuse. It would be perfectly appropriate to talk with your boss about Joe’s angry behavior. However, by reminding yourself that you can’t control others’ actions and they’re often not about you, you can learn to calm down more quickly.
-
3Steer conversations away from upsetting topics. A sure-fire way to get the blood boiling is to talk about topics you feel strongly about with someone who feels equally strongly on the opposite side. If you feel able to have a productive discussion with someone, that’s fine. If the conversation feels like it’s two opposing monologues, try diverting the topic to something less incendiary.[46]
- It can feel uncomfortable to suggest a change of topic, but the relief from the stress and tension is well worth the momentary awkwardness. Don’t be afraid to take charge and say something like, “You know, it looks like we may have to agree to disagree on this subject. How about we talk about that basketball game last night?”[47]
- If the other person continues to talk about what’s upsetting you, excuse yourself from the conversation. You can use an “I” statement to avoid sounding blaming: “I’m feeling a little overwhelmed by this topic. You all can continue to discuss it, but I’m going to need to step away.”
- If you truly can’t leave the situation, you can mentally retreat from the conversation. Visualize yourself in somewhere peaceful. This should only be used as a last resort, because it will usually become obvious that you aren’t really listening. That could offend or upset the other person.[48]
-
4Avoid too much negativity. Exposure to too much negativity can actually cause problems in how you think, learn, and remember information.[49] Constant exposure to negativity will encourage your brain to make a habit of negative thinking.[50] While it’s common to have complaining sessions at work or school, be careful that these don’t become too frequent, or you might find yourself more upset than you expected.[51]
- The problem is particularly bad if someone is complaining to you about something that also makes you feel wronged. You may become as upset as if the injury happened to you. However, you may not have any avenues to rectify the wrong, which can leave you upset and frustrated.
- Like any other emotions, complaining and negativity are also contagious. Even 30 minutes of a stressor such as listening to someone complain can elevate your cortisol levels, a stress hormone that makes it harder to think calmly[52]
- Try to think about situations productively instead. It’s normal to feel frustrated when situations go badly. A momentary venting of feelings can be helpful. However, it’s more helpful in the long run to think about what you can change in a given situation to make it work better next time than it is to focus on how badly things already went wrong.
Advertisement
Expert Q&A
-
QuestionWhy does taking deep breaths calm you down?
Dr. Niall Geoghegan, PsyDDr. Niall Geoghegan is a Clinical Psychologist in Berkeley, CA. He specializes in Coherence Therapy and works with clients on anxiety, depression, anger management, and weight loss among other issues. He received his Doctorate in Clinical Psychology from the Wright Institute in Berkeley, CA.
Clinical PsychologistIn an anxiety provoking situation, one thing you can control is the energy of your body, and the thing you can control most is your breathing. Practicing deep breathing can calm your system down so that your mind can get clear and do the problem solving you need to do.
Advertisement
References
- ↑ http://www.psychologistworld.com/stress/fightflight.php
- ↑ http://scan.oxfordjournals.org/content/2/4/259.full
- ↑ http://scan.oxfordjournals.org/content/2/4/259.full
- ↑ http://www.helpguide.org/harvard/benefits-of-mindfulness.htm
- ↑ http://www.apa.org/topics/anger/control.aspx
- ↑ http://healthland.time.com/2012/10/08/6-breathing-exercises-to-relax-in-10-minutes-or-less/
- ↑ http://www.helpguide.org/harvard/benefits-of-mindfulness.htm
- ↑ http://www.anxietybc.com/sites/default/files/MuscleRelaxation.pdf
- ↑ https://medical.mit.edu/community/sleep/resources
- ↑ http://www.apa.org/monitor/nov05/cycle.aspx
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/mindful-anger/201405/the-five-steps-mindfully-releasing-anger
- ↑ http://greatergood.berkeley.edu/article/item/how_to_relieve_stress
- ↑ http://www.apa.org/topics/anger/control.aspx
- ↑ http://www.apa.org/helpcenter/recognize-anger.aspx
- ↑ http://www.scientificamerican.com/article/cuteness-inspires-aggression/
- ↑ http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC1607474/pdf/brmedj00141-0006b.pdf
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/finding-cloud9/201308/5-quick-tips-reduce-stress-and-stop-anxiety
- ↑ http://www.dbtselfhelp.com/html/self-sooth.html
- ↑ http://journal.frontiersin.org/researchtopic/1627
- ↑ http://pets.webmd.com/ss/slideshow-pets-improve-your-health
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/basics/oxytocin
- ↑ http://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/generalized-anxiety-disorder/expert-answers/coping-with-anxiety/faq-20057987
- ↑ http://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/generalized-anxiety-disorder/expert-answers/coping-with-anxiety/faq-20057987
- ↑ http://pcrm.org/health/health-topics/how-to-eat-right-to-reduce-stress
- ↑ http://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/generalized-anxiety-disorder/expert-answers/coping-with-anxiety/faq-20057987
- ↑ http://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/generalized-anxiety-disorder/expert-answers/coping-with-anxiety/faq-20057987
- ↑ http://www.webmd.com/depression/guide/exercise-depression
- ↑ http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/20479481
- ↑ ttp://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/20479481
- ↑ http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/24078491
- ↑ http://www.aafp.org/afp/2010/0415/p981.html
- ↑ http://news.harvard.edu/gazette/story/2012/11/meditations-positive-residual-effects/
- ↑ http://www.mayoclinic.org/tests-procedures/meditation/in-depth/meditation/art-20045858
- ↑ https://medical.mit.edu/community/stress-reduction
- ↑ http://marc.ucla.edu/body.cfm?id=22
- ↑ http://www.forbes.com/sites/siimonreynolds/2013/07/23/3-ways-to-stay-calm-at-work/
- ↑ http://www.dbtselfhelp.com/html/overview2.html
- ↑ http://www.apa.org/topics/anger/control.aspx
- ↑ http://www.apa.org/topics/anger/control.aspx
- ↑ http://www.helpguide.org/articles/stress/stress-management.htm
- ↑ http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/11180150
- ↑ http://www.socialworktoday.com/archive/090208p36.shtml
- ↑ http://www.socialworktoday.com/archive/090208p36.shtml
- ↑ http://greatergood.berkeley.edu/article/item/building_resilience
- ↑ http://www.getselfhelp.co.uk/docs/STOPP4.pdf
- ↑ http://online.wsj.com/article/SB10000872396390444017504577645481036510356.html?mod=WSJ_Careers_CareerJournal_9_1
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-friendship-doctor/201007/5-tips-handling-incessant-talker
- ↑ http://www.wsj.com/articles/SB10000872396390444017504577645481036510356
- ↑ http://news.stanford.edu/pr/96/960814shrnkgbrain.html
- ↑ https://fortune.com/2012/08/09/colleagues-complaining-why-you-need-to-tune-it-out/
- ↑ http://online.wsj.com/article/SB10000872396390444017504577645481036510356.html?mod=WSJ_Careers_CareerJournal_9_1
- ↑ https://fortune.com/2012/08/09/colleagues-complaining-why-you-need-to-tune-it-out/
- ↑ http://www.calmclinic.com/supplements-for-anxiety/l-theanine
About This Article
Article SummaryX
To calm down quickly, slowly inhale through your nose for 10 seconds and then slowly exhale out of your mouth. Keep breathing like this until you feel calmer and more relaxed. You can also try distracting yourself from the thing that's upsetting you by listening to some calm, soothing music or looking at pictures of cute animals on your phone. If you're dealing with a stressful situation or task, stop what you're doing and give yourself a few minutes to relax. For more tips, like how to handle an upsetting situation calmly, keep reading!
Did this summary help you?
Advertisement
Medical Disclaimer
The content of this article is not intended to be a substitute for professional medical advice, examination, diagnosis, or treatment. You should always contact your doctor or other qualified healthcare professional before starting, changing, or stopping any kind of health treatment.
Read More...