How to Break a Trauma Bond

Co-authored by Rebecca Ward, LMFT, SEP, PCC, MA

Last Updated: June 18, 2020

A trauma bond is a complex psychological condition in which the victim in an abusive relationship may feel an intense sense of closeness, loyalty, and affection for their abuser.^{[1]
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Research source} This can cause the person to stay with the abuser, defend the abuser, and go out of their way to please the abuser. If you are in an abusive relationship, then it is important to seek help to get out of the relationship and prevent further abuse; however, breaking a trauma bond with an abuser may be necessary for some people to feel like they can move on. While breaking the bond can be very difficult, especially if the relationship is codependent, it is possible to do. Some strategies that you can use to break a trauma bond include examining the relationship, committing to make changes to your own behavior, and seeking the support of other people.

Method 1

Method 1 of 3:

Examining the Relationship

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Write a story about the relationship. Gaining some perspective on an abusive or dysfunctional relationship can be helpful when you are trying to break a trauma bond. One way that you can do this is by writing a story about your relationship.^{[2]
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- Write the story in the third person, such as by calling yourself by your proper name. For example, if your name is Janet, then refer to yourself as Janet in the story.
- Tell the story of the relationship from beginning to end. Try to include information about the highs and lows of the relationship. For example, you might say something like, “Janet and Bill were a happy loving couple at first, but then Bill started to hit her when he became frustrated with her or when he had a bad day.”
- Share the story with a close friend or with your therapist when you are finished. Reading the story may be therapeutic and it will give you a chance to talk about some of the things you have experienced.
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Ask questions about your relationship. Another way that you can examine your relationship is to ask and answer certain questions about it. You can also ask and answer questions about your ideal relationship so that you can compare what you currently have with what you would like to have. Some questions you might ask yourself include:^{[3]
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- What do I want from a relationship? What kind of person would I like to be bonded to?
- How does my current relationship affect me?
- Am I being valued in this relationship? If not, then what is the other person doing to devalue me? What am I doing to devalue me?
- In what ways do I overreact and/or under-react in this relationship?
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3
Examine your attempts to change the person. Another important factor in breaking a trauma bond is making a commitment to stop trying to change the person you are bonded to. You may feel as though you can explain your feelings to this person and get them to change their behavior, but this is not realistic thinking.^{[4]
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- Think about how often you have tried to explain your perspective to the other person. Or perhaps you have tried to write letters to the person to explain your feelings and perspective. These are normal behaviors in a trauma bonded relationship, but it is unlikely that these measures will be effective.
- Acknowledge that you cannot control how the other person feels, thinks, or acts. You can only control your actions and words.

Method 2

Method 2 of 3:

Committing to Change

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Make a vow to be honest with yourself. Being honest with yourself is important if you want to experience true change and break the bond you have with this person. You will need to practice identifying when you are lying to yourself or overlooking something important in your relationship with this person.^{[5]
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- It can be difficult to face the truth about how unhealthy the relationship is, but it is in your best interest.
- Try telling yourself something like, “I am committed to being honest with myself.”
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List behaviors you will no longer engage in. The person you are bonded to may know you well, and they may use that knowledge to get a reaction from you. To stop this cycle, identify the behaviors that you tend to display when one of your buttons is pushed and write these down.^{[6]
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- For example, you might usually respond with anger if the person makes a hurtful remark about your cooking. Include this on your list and commit to stop engaging with the person's comments in this way.
- You will likely need to decide on an alternative way to handle certain situations. This may include ignoring the person, leaving the room, or changing the subject.
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Identify self-defeating behaviors. Self-defeating behaviors are those that you continue to do repeatedly despite your knowledge that they are not good for you and that they will not help your situation.^{[7]
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Research source} Try to list all of the things that you do that are self-defeating.
- For example, you might include things in this list such as believing the person when they promise to change, putting up with verbal abuse, or using alcohol or drugs to cope with the dysfunction of your relationship.
- You may need to seek professional help for some of these problems. For example, if you find it hard or even impossible to go without alcohol or drugs, then you might need to attend rehab.
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Acknowledge your feelings. Refusing to acknowledge your feelings can make them more pronounced and you will not have a chance to work through them.^{[8]
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HelpGuide
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Go to source} Try to practice acknowledging your feelings on a daily basis.
- For example, if you are feeling sad, then allow yourself to cry or say out loud, “I feel sad.”
- By noticing how you feel and being willing to accept your feelings, you will have a chance to process your emotions rather than stuffing them down.
- You might also try writing about how you are feeling. Journaling can be a helpful way to express your emotions.
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Practice self-care. Taking good care of yourself is also an important part of breaking a trauma bond.^{[9]
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Research source} You may have neglected your own health and well-being in favor of the person you are bonded to, so it is important to shift the focus back to yourself. Some things you might try include:
- Exercising more. Getting regular exercise is an excellent way to help your body process adrenaline from a traumatic experience and increase the endorphins (natural pain relievers) in your body.^{[10]
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  Go to source}
- Getting adequate rest. Being well-rested will help you to function at your best, so aim for at least seven hours of sleep every night.
- Eat healthy foods. Eating healthy foods will help you feel your best and it is also an important way to show yourself that you value yourself.
- Make time to relax. Using relaxation techniques may help to reduce stress and anxiety. Try deep breathing, progressive muscle relaxation, yoga, or meditation.

Method 3

Method 3 of 3:

Getting Support

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Reach out to friends and family. Simply talking with friends and family about your feelings and your situation may provide some much-needed relief. It may also comfort you to know that there are people who care about you and want to help you.^{[11]
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- Try meeting with a friend or family member for dinner once per week, or call up a friend during the day if you need to talk.
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Join a support group. Support groups for abuse survivors can be an excellent way to connect with people who will be able to relate to what you are going through.^{[12]
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HelpGuide
Nonprofit organization dedicated to providing free, evidence-based mental health and wellness resources.
Go to source} Try to find an abuse survivor support group in your area.
- You can ask your doctor or therapist for information on support groups in your area.
- You can also look into online discussion forums to get support from people who have had to deal with a trauma bond relationship.
- There are hotlines and crisis lines that are available through various health organizations, which can provide help and support. Do not be afraid to use the community resources that are available.
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See a therapist. If your efforts to break a trauma bond have not been successful or if you are suffering from the repercussions of trauma, then seek the help of a trained and licensed mental health professional, such as a therapist.^{[13]
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Expert Source

Rebecca Ward, LMFT, SEP, PCC, MA
Licensed Therapist
Expert Interview. 29 May 2020.} A therapist can help you to break the trauma bond and develop healthy coping strategies as you go through the process.

Expert Q&A

Question

Does trauma lead to stress?

Rebecca Ward, LMFT, SEP, PCC, MA
Licensed Therapist
Rebecca A. Ward, LMFT, SEP, PCC is the Founder of the Iris Institute, a San Francisco, California-based business focusing on using somatic expertise to teach individuals and groups the skills to deal with dilemmas using interventions, including her own Original Blueprint® method. Ms. Ward specializes in treating stress, anxiety, depression, and trauma. She is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist (LMFT), a Somatic Experiencing® Practitioner (SEP), and a Professional Certified Coach (PCC) accredited by the International Coach Federation (ICF). Rebecca holds an MA in Clinical Mental Health Counseling from Marymount University and an MA in Organizational Leadership from The George Washington University.

Rebecca Ward, LMFT, SEP, PCC, MA

Licensed Therapist

Expert Answer

If you're traumatized as a child, your survival and thriving strategies may not fully develop. Struggling to cope with stress can lead to more stress, so yes, they're certainly related. This is why mindfulness and therapy are so important. These practices can help you retrain your body to respond to stressors.