How to Break Up with Someone Gently over Text

Co-authored by Patti Novak Williams and Hannah Madden

Last Updated: May 28, 2022 References

If you’ve been on a few dates with someone and you just aren’t feeling it, you might be wondering how you can let them know. Sending someone a breakup text is never easy, but there are a few ways you can let them down gently so you don’t hurt their feelings. Keep reading to learn how you can break up with someone over text kindly, without making them feel bad.

This article is based on an interview with our professional matchmaker & dating coach, Patti Novak Williams. Check out the full interview here.

Section 1 of 11:

When is it okay to break up with someone over text?

Break-up texts get a bad rap, but there are legitimate reasons to send one. Here’s when breaking up over text makes sense:
- If you haven’t made the relationship “official” yet
- If you’re unable to see them in person soon
- If you’re worried they won’t listen to you or take the news appropriately

Section 2 of 11:

“I've had a lovely time on our dates so far...”

Tell them how much you loved spending time with them. While it won’t make them feel all the way better, it can soften the blow of a breakup just a little bit. Start your text out with something nice, like:^{[1]
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- “Hey Amber! I really enjoyed spending time with you last week.”
- “Hi John, I’ve had a lovely time on our dates so far.”

Section 3 of 11:

“I didn’t feel a connection this time around.”

Tell them why you’re breaking up, but leave out unnecessary details that might be unkind. Make it clear that you don’t want to see them again, and explain the reason why. However, there’s no need to be insulting about it.^{[2]
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Expert Source

Patti Novak Williams
Professional Matchmaker & Dating Coach
Expert Interview. 12 January 2021.} Say something like:
- “I just can’t see us working out long-term. We want different things, so it’s probably best we go our separate ways.”
- Or, “I don’t think we’re a match since we’re at different stages right now, but I wish you luck out there!”

Section 4 of 11:

“I’m not ready for a relationship, and that’s not fair to you.”

This puts the fault on you, not the other person. Instead of blaming your date for how they acted or what they did, tell them why it doesn’t work for you. That way, they’ll feel better about themselves and the breakup. Try something like:^{[3]
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- “I just got out of a long-term thing, and so I’m not in a good emotional place to date right now.”
- “I’m overwhelmed with work and school right now, and I don’t have the time to commit to someone.”

Section 5 of 11:

“You seem super cool, but I see us more as friends.”

If the spark isn’t there, you may just want to be friends. Only use this line if you actually plan on keeping up a friendship with them, though. If you like the person and you genuinely want to hang out platonically, go ahead and tell them that.^{[4]
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Expert Source

Patti Novak Williams
Professional Matchmaker & Dating Coach
Expert Interview. 12 January 2021.}
- Try something like, “I really like hanging out with you, but I’m getting more of a best friends vibe than a romantic one.”
- “I’d love to hang out again, but platonically instead of romantically.”

Section 6 of 11:

“I didn’t quite feel a spark.”

It’s an easy way to let someone down gently. Sometimes you just don’t want to be with someone anymore because there’s no spark, and that’s okay! Be clear about your reasoning, and don’t leave any room for questions. Say something like:^{[5]
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- “I had a really fun time on our date, but I’m just not feeling a connection with you.”
- Or, “I had such a good time on our dates, but I just didn’t feel a spark.”

Section 7 of 11:

“You and I want different things right now, and I think we should both pursue those!”

If you have different lifestyles, this is a good way to put it. Maybe they’re a big partier and you prefer staying at home, or maybe they want to settle down and have a family and you want to travel the world. You can cut off your relationship by saying something like:^{[6]
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- “I’m just not sure I see this lasting long-term. It seems like we have different goals in life, so I’m not sure we’d work out.”
- “You have super cool life plans, but I can’t see myself in them. It might be best if we part ways now.”

Section 8 of 11:

“I need to reconnect with myself and take a break from dating.”

Maybe you just aren’t ready to date anyone, and that’s okay. If you went out on a few dates and realized you’re not over your ex or you just want to be single, it’s fine to tell them that. Let them know by saying something like:^{[7]
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- “I realized that I’m not ready for a relationship yet. I hope you can understand.”
- “I need to focus on myself for now, so I think I’m going to stay single for a while.”

Section 9 of 11:

“I hope you find someone amazing!”

Avoid saying sorry and wish the other person well instead. You aren’t doing anything wrong when breaking up with someone. Just because you weren’t feeling a connection doesn’t mean you’re a bad person. Although it might be tempting, saying “I’m sorry” to someone as you break up with them can actually make them feel worse.^{[8]
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- Saying you’re sorry can send mixed signals or lead your ex to think that you’re in the wrong.

Section 10 of 11:

“Let me know if you want me to clarify anything.”

They might be confused as to why you’re breaking up. If they text you back with any questions, answer them as best you can without hurting their feelings. They have a right to know why it’s not working out, so tell the truth.^{[9]
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- For instance, they might ask, “I’m confused, didn’t you have a good time?” You could answer with, “I did, but I see you as more of a friend than a romantic partner.”

Section 11 of 11:

Cut contact afterwards.

Unless you plan on staying friends, it’s best to go no contact. Texting them or hitting them up on social media could be confusing, and they might think you want to get back together. Focus on moving on and let them move on, too.^{[10]
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- If they reach out to you again, it’s probably best to ignore their message.

Expert Q&A

Question

Should you break up over text?

Patti Novak Williams
Professional Matchmaker & Dating Coach
Patti Novak Williams is a Professional Matchmaker in Las Vegas, Nevada. With over 20 years of experience, Patti specializes in working with clients one on one to help them find love. She has helped match hundreds of couples, engagements, and marriages. Patti was the star of the critically acclaimed A&E series “Confessions of a Matchmaker.” She has been featured in the New York Times, the New York Daily News, the New York Post, and The Wall Street Journal, and has appeared on The Oprah Winfrey Show, TODAY with Hoda and Kathy Lee, The Rachael Ray Show, CBS’ The Early Show, CNN, The Big Idea with Donny Deutsch, The Nate Berkus Show, and Fox’s The Morning Show With Mike & Juliet. Patti published a book in 2008 with Random House titled “Get Over Yourself!: How to Get Real, Get Serious, and Get Ready to Find True Love.”

Patti Novak Williams

Professional Matchmaker & Dating Coach

Expert Answer

If you’ve been on more than a couple of dates with someone, it’s polite to break up with them in person.