How to Become Better Friends

Co-authored by Trudi Griffin, LPC, MS

Last Updated: January 31, 2023 References

Keeping a good friendship can be hard, especially as you’re growing up. However, by making time to talk to your friends about what’s going on with both of your lives and spending time together, you can become better friends. One of the most important parts of deepening your friendship is learning how to be a good friend by being supportive and handling conflict respectfully when it comes up.

Method 1

Method 1 of 3:

Deepening Your Friendship

1
Make time to talk with each other as often as possible. Communication is an important part of every friendship. Try to plan one night per week or every other week to have a phone call and talk about anything! Share what’s going on in your life, talk about your common interests, or make plans to meet up.^{[1]
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- Even if you’re both very busy, try to set aside time to talk or send a few text messages throughout the week. This will help make you feel close, even if you don’t have time to see each other frequently.
- Reassure your friend that you’ll always be there for them even if you don’t talk as often as you used to.
2
Try something new together. Whether you’ve always wanted to see the Grand Canyon or just want to try a new restaurant down the street, include your friend in your plans. Sharing new experiences together will give you memories and opinions to bond over.^{[2]
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- If you’re looking for something fun and new to do together, try planning a road trip or cooking a new recipe.
- You could also sign up for classes to learn a new skill together, like scrapbooking, painting, or woodworking.
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3
Give small gifts to your friend or do favors for them when you can. Being a thoughtful friend can help to bring you closer to your friend. If you see something that you know they’ll like, and you can afford it, buying it for them can show that you care. Remember that you don’t need a reason to be kind or thoughtful to your friends.^{[3]
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- For example, if your friend has come down with a cold, you can bring them soup and cold medicine to help them feel better.
- For someone who likes to knit, you might get them a ball of yarn that you thought was a nice color, or a pair of knitting needles.
- If you want to help your friend but don’t have a lot of money to spend, you can offer to watch their pets if they’re going out of town, or run an errand for them that’s out of their way. This will help to make their life easier, and you don’t have to spend any money on it!
4
Support each other when life becomes difficult. Friends should be able to rely on and trust each other with almost anything. If you or your friend are having a hard time, it can be helpful to talk about what’s going on. In many cases, you might be able to offer helpful advice to each other. Let your friend know that you’re there for them, even in hard times.^{[4]
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- Keep in mind that you might not always have advice for your friend, but it’s okay to just listen to them while they talk about what’s going on. Sometimes, it’s helpful to just have someone to talk to.
- If you know that a friend is going through a hard time, check in on them periodically to make sure they’re okay, or make plans to spend time together to cheer them up. For example, you can organize a marathon of their favorite movie series, or get together for a game night!
- Maintain boundaries even in difficult times. For example, if your friend needs to borrow money and you’re not comfortable giving them any, keep that boundary or else you may grow to resent them later on. Supporting your friend doesn’t mean you have to fix things for them.
5
Share something that makes you feel vulnerable. Although it may be difficult, it’s important to talk to your friend about things like fears, flaws, and insecurities. This will help you understand each other better than anyone else and form a strong relationship between the two of you.^{[5]
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- For example, if you’re afraid of disappointing your friend and family, you can share this with your friend. They may tell you something that might help to make you feel better, or they might share a similar fear.
- If you’re feeling insecure about your smile one day, you can tell your friend what you’re feeling. They might be able to make you feel better about it and remind you that you’re beautiful inside and out.
- Remember not to dwell on these issues, and never bring up your friend's fears or insecurities during a conflict. You and your friend share these things to bring you closer and you shouldn’t use their fears or insecurities against them.

Method 2

Method 2 of 3:

Being a Good Friend

1
Be honest with your friends. One of the most important qualities of a good friend is honesty and trustworthiness. Always tell your friend the truth, even when it might be uncomfortable or difficult to do. When you’re telling the truth, do it in the nicest way possible, and try to have a private conversation if you can.^{[6]
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- For example, if your friend is fighting with your mutual friend and has spread rumors about them, sit down with them and talk about what’s going on.
- In that case, you can say something like, “I know you’re arguing with Jessie right now, but I don’t think you should be sharing secrets about her with other people. I don’t want to get involved in your disagreement, but I feel like you’re doing something that you might regret later.”
- It’s wrong to lie or hide things from your friends. If you’re doing something that you feel needs to be hidden, chances are that you’re doing something that is wrong or harmful to yourself or someone else.
2
Ask your friend questions about their life and thoughts. It can be tempting to talk about your life and your problems because it’s important to you, but you should also ask your friend about their life! Ask them about how their work, school, or hobbies are going. You can also ask their opinion on current events and their future plans.^{[7]
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- For example, if you know they just started on a local softball team, you can ask “How was your first practice? Are you enjoying playing on a team again?”
- If they’ve been working toward their degree, you can ask “How are your classes going? Do you need help studying for any upcoming exams?”
3
Listen when your friend is talking. When you ask a question, focus all of your attention on your friend’s answer. Respond when needed, and ask follow-up questions to show that you’re paying attention. Remember to not offer your opinion of the situation until your friend is done talking about the topic.^{[8]
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- If you find yourself interrupting your friend often, it might be helpful to wait an extra 5-10 seconds before saying something. Many people don’t realize they’re interrupting when they do it, so waiting a little longer will give your friend a chance to finish talking.
- If you’re talking in person, be sure to make eye contact and eliminate distractions. For instance, don’t play on your phone while your friend is talking.
4
Be confident in yourself and your friendship. Sometimes, being close with someone can make you feel insecure or jealous. Remember that your friend is close with you for a reason, and remind yourself that you’re a good friend.^{[9]
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- Try not to get jealous if your friend wants to hang out with their other friends. It can seem like they’d rather be with them, but it’s important to have a variety of different friends.
- If you’re feeling insecure in your friendship, talk with your friend about how you’re feeling so you can come up with a solution together.
5
Refrain from judging or making fun of your friend. It can take a lot of courage for someone to share their thoughts and opinions with a friend. When your friend says something to you, don't make them feel ashamed or stupid for it, even if they're wrong about the facts. Be respectful and politely let them know that you don't agree.^{[10]
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- For example, if your friend says something like, "I think that Target is closed right now," and you know that it's open, you can say something like, "Let's check their hours online. I think I remember seeing that they extended their hours!"
6
Be kind and respectful toward your friend. Boundaries are a part of any healthy relationship, and you should always try to be aware of what your friend likes and doesn’t like. You should never purposefully upset them or make them uncomfortable in any situation.^{[11]
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- For example, if you want to go to a party and your friend doesn’t want to go, you can show them respect by not pressuring them into going and not making them feel bad about it.
- Resist the urge to call each other names, even if it’s only done as a joke.
7
Avoid sharing your friend’s secrets. When your friend tells you something that is personal or sensitive, you shouldn’t tell anyone about it unless they say that it’s okay. Doing so can cause rumors to form and can be extremely hurtful to your friend. Exhibit your loyalty and trustworthiness by keeping your friend’s secrets, even when it might be tempting to share.^{[12]
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- However, if you think that your friend might be in danger or might hurt themselves, inform a medical professional or law enforcement immediately to ensure their safety. Although it might seem like you’re betraying their trust, their health is more important.
- Gossiping might seem to bring you closer to other friends, but really you’re only bonding at the sacrifice of someone else’s happiness, so avoid talking about other people behind their back.

Method 3

Method 3 of 3:

Dealing with Conflict

1
Trust that your friend has your best interests at heart. When you have a disagreement with your friend, it can be easy to feel like they’re trying to upset you. However, try to remember that your friend knows you better than many other people. If they don’t like something that you’re doing, they are likely saying something because they’re worried about you.^{[13]
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- Having empathy is important for dealing with a conflict. Try to put yourself in their shoes and see what they’re seeing. You might find that you actually do understand where they’re coming from.
- Remind yourself that you would likely speak up in a situation where your friend was doing something that you didn’t agree with.
2
Tell your friend how you’re feeling. Once you’re ready to talk about the conflict, start by talking about what you’re feeling at that moment. This will help you focus the discussion on the problem at hand and keep you or your friend from bringing up past issues.^{[14]
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- Start your conversation using “I” statements, like, “I feel upset when you point out my flaws in front of other people,” or “I feel hurt when you exclude me from plans with our other friends.”
- Try to avoid using statements that start with “you,” like, “You talk about me behind my back and that’s really rude.”
3
Avoid letting your emotions get the best of you. Although it can be difficult when you’re having an emotional conversation, try to control your emotions and stay neutral, or even positive. Keep your cool by counting to 10 before you respond, and don’t be afraid to take a break from the conversation if it becomes too overwhelming.^{[15]
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- If your friend wants to stop the conversation, respect their wishes and pause the conversation until you’re both in a better state of mind.
- For example, if you’re getting upset while you’re talking, you can say something like, “Can we take a break for a few minutes so I can calm down, and then we can keep talking?” Then, you can go to a different room and gather your thoughts before restarting the conversation.
4
Work together to figure out how to resolve the issue. When you’re having a disagreement, you might start to think that it’s you against your friend. However, try to think about the conflict as the both of you fighting against the problem. Once you both have talked about how you feel, come up with a few ideas about how to resolve the issue, and decide on one to use.^{[16]
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- For instance, if you’re having a disagreement because you and your friend like the same person, you can say something like, “I think it would be best if neither of us dated her. Then, we can keep our friendship intact and not have to worry about competing for the same girl.”
- If you can’t pick just one of your solutions, try combining 2 or 3 to address all of the problems that you possibly can.
- After a few weeks of using the solution that you both agreed to, have a conversation about whether or not it’s working. If it isn’t, adjust what you’re doing or find a new solution.

Expert Q&A

Question

What if you do all these and you feel that you're the only one trying?

Michelle Driscoll, MPH
Founder, Mulberry Maids
Michelle Driscoll is the Owner of Mulberry Maids, which is based in Fort Collins, Colorado. With five years of experience, her business specializes in cleaning homes and small offices. She holds a Masters in Public Health from the Colorado School of Public Health. Additionally, Mulberry Maids has an A+ rating from the Better Business Bureau.

Michelle Driscoll, MPH

Founder, Mulberry Maids

Expert Answer

Any relationship takes two people. If one person puts more into the relationship than the other, often resentment builds and clouds the relationship. If you find you’re the only one trying, ask yourself why you are and whether it’s in your best interest to continue doing so.
Question

What if the friend drifts away from you when you don't hang out with them?

Michelle Driscoll, MPH
Founder, Mulberry Maids
Michelle Driscoll is the Owner of Mulberry Maids, which is based in Fort Collins, Colorado. With five years of experience, her business specializes in cleaning homes and small offices. She holds a Masters in Public Health from the Colorado School of Public Health. Additionally, Mulberry Maids has an A+ rating from the Better Business Bureau.

Michelle Driscoll, MPH

Founder, Mulberry Maids

Expert Answer

Evaluate the friendship based on how it goes when you do hang out. If it’s a case where you don’t hang out for awhile, but then you get together and it’s like old times, that may be fine. If not, perhaps the friendship is not a priority for you or them.

Warnings

Be respectful of your friend’s boundaries. If they say they want space, don’t call them or send them multiple text messages, which can be seen as obnoxious or annoying, which can harm your relationship.

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If one of your friends is exhibiting symptoms of depression, talk to them about what’s going on. If you feel like they may harm themselves or someone else, alert law enforcement immediately. Although doing so may seem harsh, sometimes it’s necessary to protect them and other people.

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