How to Be an Assertive Woman

Co-authored by Joui Turandot

Last Updated: February 13, 2023 References

If you feel like other people don't take you seriously, you might need to practice speaking up for yourself more often. Our how-to guide will help you practice being more assertive—without coming across as pushy or aggressive.

Part 1

Part 1 of 3:

Behaving in an Assertive Fashion

1
Use assertive body language. Many women inadvertently use language that reads as submissive or shy. Try to be aware of how you carry yourself. A simple change in body language can make you feel and look more assertive.
- Hold your head high when talking to others. Make sure to maintain an upright position with your shoulders back and your feet equally apart.
- Hold eye contact with whoever you're talking to. When shaking hands, give a firm handshake.
- Other examples of submissive body language include sitting with your feet and legs crossed and tucked under your chair, arms pulled in with shoulders lowered, and moving very little.
2
Express your opinions without apologies or caveats. When expressing yourself, do so directly. Remind yourself you're entitled to your opinions and, when appropriate, you should share them. Practice being assertive by giving one opinion in every meeting (or class) you attend. This can help you become comfortable with asserting your thoughts.
- Do not hesitate to express yourself in any situation, and do not ask permission. In a business meeting, for example, don't say, "Can I offer a counterargument?" Instead, just put forth your argument.
- You should also avoid apologizing for your opinions, or adding caveats. Avoid qualifying statements, like, "I just wanted to say/I just think...", "I'm sorry, but...", and "I'm no expert, but I think..." Simply get straight to the meat of your opinion.^{[1]
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- Instead, say something like, "I don't agree with that point. I understand where you're coming from, but this is the route I think we should take."
- However, you don't have to lead like this if that isn't true to your heart. Times are changing, and the archetypal masculine form of leadership is no longer the only way to make yourself heard.^{[2]
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  Expert Source
  
  Joui Turandot
  Branding Consultant
  Expert Interview. 4 June 2020.}
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3
Make your requests clear. Part of being assertive is being clear with others. If you lack assertiveness, your messages may get muddled in apologies and poorly expressed statements. When you're requesting something from another person, strive to make this request as clear as possible.^{[3]
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- Do not make half-statements or add apologies to your requests. For example, do not say to a male colleague, "If you're not too busy today, would it be possible for you to make those revisions I asked for?" This can come off as a light request. It also may come off as passive-aggressive. Instead, make the request directly. Say something like, "I need those revisions done by the end of the day."
4
Acknowledge the perspective of others. Being assertive does not mean being aggressive. While you should feel free to assert yourself when necessary, make sure to take other people's opinions into account. Assertiveness means being comfortable enough with yourself and your opinions to allow others to disagree.^{[4]
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- However, there are many important ways to be in the world that aren't a heavy-handed forcing of dominance.^{[5]
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  Expert Source
  
  Joui Turandot
  Branding Consultant
  Expert Interview. 4 June 2020.}
- Allow people to express contrary beliefs, just as you would expect them to allow you to assert yourself. Disagreement is often necessary to make the best possible decision.
- Try to show people you hear their requests without sounding like you're giving in or agreeing. For example, "I can understand why you feel that way. I have similar concerns, but I see a different solution here."
5
Learn to negotiate. One area in which many women can up their assertiveness is when negotiating salary or raises at work. During the hiring process, it is reported that 51.5 percent of men ask for more money while only 12.5 percent of women ask for more money. Your starting wage or salary determines raises and future salaries, not asserting your wants can cost you down the line.^{[6]
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- Do your research in terms of how much you should be making in your position. Look online, talk to recruiters, and ask people in your network who are in similar jobs. This concrete knowledge can help you ask for what you want and need.

Part 2

Part 2 of 3:

Altering Your Mindset

1
Allow yourself to experience anger. Many people, women especially, view anger as entirely negative. Your first response to feeling anger may be to try to tell yourself to get over it. Oftentimes, however, anger is necessary and healthy. When you feel anger, let yourself experience it rather than ignoring the emotion.^{[7]
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Trustworthy Source
Greater Good Magazine
Journal published by UC Berkeley's Greater Good Science Center, which uses scientific research to promote happier living
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- You deserve to feel however you're feeling. Feelings do not have to be 100% rational, and you do not have to act on every sentiment you have. You do need to be able to acknowledge your emotions in a healthy fashion.
- When you feel angry, be mindful of the fact. Think something like, "I am feeling angry right now because Steve interrupted me in a meeting." Accept that you're feeling angry and allow yourself to experience the emotion until it passes.
2
Have a collaborative mindset. You should always be looking for solutions that make everyone happy, including yourself. When dealing with friends, family members, and co-workers, see situations through a collaborative lens. You can assert your needs, while also making sure everyone else's needs are met. This can help you find a healthy level of assertiveness that does not become aggression.^{[8]
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Kansas University Center for Community Health and Development
Community-based research center focused on supporting public health development and education
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- For example, you're trying to pick a brunch place with your boyfriend and he's vetoed many of your suggestions. You may find his reasons somewhat petty, but hear his reasoning out.
- Instead of getting angry, suggest he find some places he may like to go. Then, the two of you can sit down together and select a place that works for you both.
- As long as you can express yourself in a way that feels true to you and people are hearing you, then you're doing great.^{[9]
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  Expert Source
  
  Joui Turandot
  Branding Consultant
  Expert Interview. 4 June 2020.}
3
Step away from feelings of guilt. If you assert yourself, you may feel guilty afterwards. Many people are people pleasers by nature, and making a request may make you feel uneasy; however, remind yourself that your opinions and feelings matter. Try to quell any feelings of guilt you experience.^{[10]
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- Try to catch and alter negative thoughts. For example, you may find yourself thinking something like, "It was rude of me to tell my friend I can't watch her cat this weekend." Instead, think something like, "I have a very busy schedule right now, so it was wise of me not to take on unnecessary commitments."
- Remember, asserting yourself is not wrong. It's necessary to self-care and your basic emotional health.
4
Ignore other people's negativity. Women may be faced with a lot of negativity, and even name-calling, for being assertive. People may see you as shrill and unlikable if you assert your needs. Ignore these comments and criticisms. Remind yourself you are allowed to assert yourself, even if other people do not like it.^{[11]
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- If someone is intimidated by female strength, that is their problem. You do not need to deal with other people's insecurities.
- Do not internalize the negativity of those around you. Remind yourself of all the benefits you gain from being more assertive.
- If you get a lot of negativity, especially in a work or school environment, report it to someone. You can firmly let the person know you do not appreciate their language. Say something like, "It is not okay for you to talk to me like that, especially in a professional setting."

Part 3

Part 3 of 3:

Breaking Out of Non-Assertive Patterns

1
Take small steps first. You cannot expect to change your behavioral patterns overnight. The road to becoming assertive is long, so start with small steps. Strive to change one small behavior a day.^{[12]
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- Pick small stakes decisions first. For example, if you disagree about the restaurant your friends chose for lunch, say so.
- Gradually, you can work your way up. For example, after a couple of weeks, vocally disagree with a colleague at a business meeting.
2
Learn to say "No." Just because you can do something does not mean you have to. Work on saying "No," when someone makes a request or asks for a favor. If you don't want to do something, don't do it. You have the right to prioritize your own health and wellbeing.
- You don't always need to give a reason. If a friend, say, asks you to give her a ride somewhere, just say something like, "No, I'm not able to do that." If you feel comfortable giving a reason, you can add something like, "I'm really busy today;" however, this is not necessary. If someone asks for a favor, they don't need to know why you said, "No."
- It may seem intimidating at first, but it will get easier with time. You don't need to feel obligated to take on work you do not have time for. Even if you could reasonably fit something into your schedule, it's important to have some downtime.
3
Stop letting others make decisions for you. Do not let another person call the shots. This is particularly common in very close relationships. You may, for example, always let your best friend pick a restaurant or always agree on watching a certain TV show with your partner. Learn to take turns. Have the other person let you make a decision from time to time.
- Assert yourself in a way that makes the other person feel valued, while at the same time expressing your own needs.
- For example, say something like, "I really love the bars you always pick for happy hour, but there are a few places I've been wanting to check out."
4
Watch how you end declarative statements. If you're nervous asserting yourself, you may end declarative statements by raising your pitch slightly. This can make them sound more like questions than statements. Make sure to be aware of your tone of voice and to make statements rather than asking questions.^{[13]
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- For example, do not say, "I think this solution would be best for our company?" Avoid the sound of a question mark at the end. Instead, firmly say, "I think this solution would be best for our company."

Expert Q&A

Question

How do you develop assertiveness?

Joui Turandot
Branding Consultant
Joui Turandot is a Personal and Creative Branding Consultant and the Founder of JTM Consulting, a business that specializes in public persona branding, business branding, creative leadership coaching, and speaking workshops. Joui has more than 10 years of experience as a fashion designer, filmmaker, photographer, costume designer, stylist, and personal development coach. She uses her diverse experience to guide creative leaders and entrepreneurs through a journey of self-discovery and embodied personal expression to help them grow their business and step into the next level of leadership. Joui holds a BA in Media Studies from Mills College and holds credentials in the Somatica Core Training Method by the Somatica Institute and in the Art of Circling Training by The Circling Institute.

Joui Turandot

Branding Consultant

Expert Answer

Try leading from what's true to your heart. This may look different than the archetypal masculine form of leadership. In the past, women have had to put on men's pants and act like men. Now, we don't have to do that—know that there are many ways to be in the world that can be true to you and still leave you being heard and appreciated.