How to Be a Nicer Person to Your Spouse

Co-authored by Tara Vossenkemper, PhD, LPC and Jessica Gibson

Last Updated: January 31, 2022 References

Whether you've been married for 2 years or 20 years, you can always find ways to be nicer to your spouse. If you're going through a rough patch and want to be kinder or you're just looking for ways to improve your relationship, we've got you covered. We'll go over ways to improve listening and communication so you can show your spouse what a thoughtful partner you are.

1

Tell your spouse what you appreciate about them.

Consider writing in a gratitude journal so you notice the good things. Doing this every day can actually help you recognize nice things about your spouse.^{[1]
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Expert Source

Tara Vossenkemper, PhD, LPC
Licensed Professional Counselor
Expert Interview. 18 January 2022.} Then, make a point of telling them something you like about them. This is a simple but really effective way of being nice to your spouse.^{[2]
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Research source}
- For example, you might say, "I really appreciate that you took the kids out of the house for a few hours so I could get a break," or, "You're such a great cook. Thanks for making dinner tonight."

2

Surprise them with a thoughtful gesture.

Show your spouse that you're considerate and that you care about them. We've all heard that actions speak louder than words so do things that show your love.^{[3]
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Expert Source

Tara Vossenkemper, PhD, LPC
Licensed Professional Counselor
Expert Interview. 18 January 2022.} These don't have to be huge gestures! Even something small like brewing them coffee if they're working an early shift shows them that you're thoughtful and anticipate their needs or wants.^{[4]
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- Your spouse might need some space so a thoughtful gesture could be getting out of your home for the day so he's got it all to himself.
- Think back to things they've talked about. Maybe they mentioned wanting to try a new Chinese place. You could surprise them by picking up takeout one night. Your spouse will not only appreciate the food, but also the fact that you listened and remembered something they wanted.

3

Spend quality time together.

Go on dates or just take time to talk with each other. It's really easy to get into a routine where you don't actually communicate with your spouse. Try to have one-on-one time where you can talk about things that aren't job or kid-related. If you can, go out for regular dates; these can remind you what you love about your spouse.^{[5]
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HelpGuide
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- Is life too busy for dates or quality time? At least make a point of checking in with each other every day. Even a genuine, "What was your day like?" or, "How are you feeling?" can help you feel connected.
- Keep in mind that having personal space is important, too. If you've spent a lot of time around each other or your spouse is stressed, they might want some time or space for themselves.

4

Do things that make you both laugh.

Enjoy each other's company so you're less critical or angry. Remember how dating your spouse was fun? Make time to play or goof around—you'll find that it's a lot easier to be kind to your spouse if you're in a great mood.^{[6]
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Expert Source

Tara Vossenkemper, PhD, LPC
Licensed Professional Counselor
Expert Interview. 18 January 2022.}
- For instance, go out for a karaoke night, hit a comedy show, or play a ridiculous card game.

5

Show affection with physical touch.

Give your spouse a hug, hold hands, and make time for intimacy. These are simple ways to connect with your spouse every day. Physical affection reassures your spouse that you love them and it can make them feel more confident.^{[7]
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- Again, these don't have to be huge displays of affection. Even just sitting next to your spouse and putting your arm around them can let them know that you care for them.

6

Give your spouse your full attention.

Make eye contact and minimize distractions so they know you're listening. Put your phone away turn off anything noisy that makes it hard to pay attention. Your spouse should notice that you're really listening which will make them feel valued and appreciated.^{[8]
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- You can also show that you listened by saying something like, "It sounds like work is really stressing you out," or, "I'm so happy that the project seems to be working out for you."
- If your spouse wants to talk about a difficult subject, try to practice open body language. Keep your arms uncrossed, face the other person, and don't fidget when they talk.

7

Use disagreements as opportunities to communicate.

Go into the conversation trying to understand your partner. Keep an open mind and respectful attitude when you ask how they're feeling about something. Give them time to speak before you share your thoughts. You might learn why they're frustrated or upset and you can explain how you're feeling.^{[9]
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Expert Source

Tara Vossenkemper, PhD, LPC
Licensed Professional Counselor
Expert Interview. 18 January 2022.} Effective communication will make your marriage much stronger.^{[10]
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HelpGuide
Nonprofit organization dedicated to providing free, evidence-based mental health and wellness resources.
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- For example, you might hear your spouse say they're frustrated and tired. You might say, "I didn't know you were feeling this way. What can I do to help?"
- Use a calm tone of voice when you speak with your spouse and don't get defensive. Let them speak without interrupting and look for ways to compromise.

8

Stop yourself before you say something hurtful.

Cool off if you're fighting so you don't say something you regret. It can be hard not to say something mean if you're feeling hurt, but it's important not to react in anger. Give each other some space before you come back to resolve your differences. You'll find that it's easier to be kind or respectful.^{[11]
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- You could say something like, "I really can't talk about this right now. I need a little time to think things through."
- It can help to establish boundaries within your relationship. You both might agree that calling each other names or making personal attacks is off-limits. Setting healthy boundaries can make it easier to communicate without hurting each other's feelings.

9

Forgive your spouse when they make a mistake.

Think of your spouse as your teammate—you're not competing with each other. If they've done something to upset you, have an honest discussion about it and forgive them. It's critical that you both move forward together instead of trying to get even or punishing the other person.^{[12]
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- Not sure what to say? Even a simple, "I'm disappointed that this happened, but I love you and I forgive you," tells your spouse that you care about them and are willing to move on together.

10

Support and encourage your spouse.

Listen to what your partner needs or wants and be there for your spouse. Think of yourself as your spouse's cheerleader—they should feel like they can make changes in their life and that they'll succeed. Your spouse might be struggling in a job they don't like. Listen to what they're saying and affirm how they're feeling so they feel supported. You might say, "It sounds like you're really feeling burned out. What do you think could help?"^{[13]
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- Sometimes, your spouse just needs you to be there to listen and that's fine, too! You might say, "I'm always here if you ever want to bounce ideas off of me."

11

Appreciate your spouse for who they are.

Remind yourself of what you love about your spouse. Don't dwell on the small things they do that irritate you or you might focus more on the negative. Remember, your spouse isn't perfect, but there are things you absolutely love about them.^{[14]
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Greater Good Magazine
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- For instance, it might bother you that you're always picking up their dirty socks, but instead of letting it bother you, remind yourself that your spouse always does a chore that you dislike. Plus, you know that you've got habits that irritate your spouse, too.

12

Take time for self-care.

Work on your own happiness and be kinder to yourself. It's difficult to be nice to your spouse if you're not gentle with yourself. Take a break from thinking about your marriage and other demands on your time so you can focus on your needs and wants.^{[15]
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- Self-care could mean eating more nutritious food, taking time to read a good book, going out for a jog, or meeting up with friends. The point is to do something that makes you feel happier and better about yourself.

Expert Q&A

Question

How can I be nicer to my wife?

Tara Vossenkemper, PhD, LPC
Licensed Professional Counselor
Dr. Tara Vossenkemper is a Licensed Professional Counselor and the Founder and Managing Director of The Counseling Hub, LLC, a group counseling practice located in Columbia, Missouri. She is also the Founder of and a Business Consultant with Tara Vossenkemper Consulting, LLC, a consulting service for therapy practice owners. With over nine years of experience, she specializes in using the Gottman Method of relationship therapy with couples on the brink of divorce, who have conflict, or who feel disconnected from one another. Dr. Vossenkemper holds a BA in Psychology from The University of Missouri, Saint Louis, an MA in Counseling from Missouri Baptist University, and a PhD in Counselor Education and Supervision from The University of Missouri, Saint Louis. She has also completed Level 3 training in the Gottman Method Couples Therapy approach and has been formally trained in both the Prepare-Enrich Premarital Couples Counseling approach and the PREP Approach for couples counseling.

Tara Vossenkemper, PhD, LPC

Licensed Professional Counselor

Expert Answer

What you could do is try to actively go out of your way to do things in the love language that your partner speaks and receives love from. That's a really effective way of being nicer in a relationship.