How to Be a Cool Mom

Co-authored by Kylee Money

Last Updated: February 13, 2023 References

Being a cool mom can mean many things, but it is most commonly associated with a mom who is both a parental figure and a friend. A cool mom sets boundaries, but also allows her children to be themselves. Most importantly, a cool mom attempts to connect with her kids while loving, appreciating, and respecting them for who they are.

Part 1

Part 1 of 3:

Involving Yourself in Your Child’s Life

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Let your children know that they can talk to you about anything. When they do start to open up to you about deeper things going on in their lives, remember to listen lovingly and without judgement. At the same time, don’t expect them to tell you everything. Respect their space, privacy, and independence and trust that you can have a strong relationship without knowing every aspect of their lives.^{[1]
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- Express your willingness to listen by saying something like “David, I want you to know that I love you unconditionally and am always here to support and listen to any problems you might be having. Even if you know I won’t like what you’re saying, I want you to know I’m here to listen without judgement.”
2
Learn to listen. Whether it’s a conversation about school, relationships, politics, or the weather, talking with your children is an important part of being a cool mom. Talking to your children is not always easy, particularly at the difficult ages, such as during the teen years. However, making an effort to communicate and listen to your children’s thoughts, feelings, and opinions will have a last impact on your relationship with him or her and your status as a cool mom.
- Ask your children questions. For example “What was the best part about school today?” or “How did it make you feel when Jan didn’t invite your other friends to her birthday party?” or “Does it make you upset when your boyfriend is late to pick you up for a date?” are ways to get a conversation started. Once the conversation is started, you might get more insight into your children’s feelings and opinions than you thought possible.
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3
Give your full attention. Particularly if your children approach you with an important or sensitive issue, they deserve all of your attention. For example, it is really important that in our technological age, you put your phone down when talking to your children^{[2]
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Research source} Show them that they are your first priority.
- Turn off the radio or the television. It is difficult to give someone your full attention if there are other distractions around you.
- Don’t interrupt. Even if it’s difficult, try to hear your children out and attempt not to lecture. If your children feel like they are in for a lecture every time she talks to you, she will be less willing to do so.
- Show you care through your body language. Turn toward your child so you can properly engage with him in conversation. Make eye contact, and keep your facial expressions as neutral as possible.
- Accept that you may not always like what you hear. Inevitably, your children will do, say, or believe things that you disagree with. However, it is important to keep an open ear, and as much as possible, an open mind.
4
Speak honestly. Just as it is important to listen to your children, part of being a cool mom is being honest with your children in return. This will help you to gain their their trust and respect.
- Let your children know you make mistakes. Don’t be afraid to admit to your children if you’ve messed up, and don’t be afraid to apologize for it. Showing that you’re human too will help your children feel that they can relate to you in a more realistic way.
- Talk to your children about your own life experiences. For example, you might want to tell them about a time that you got caught in a lie by your own mother, or got in trouble at school. Explain to them the triumphs and tribulations that you faced on your journey to adulthood. They will appreciate the feeling that you can relate to them.
5
Be affectionate. A tender touch from mom can go a long way if your child has had a bad day at school or a fight with a friend. All humans crave a physical touch, so a warm embrace (or however else you choose to show affection) or a kiss can strengthen your relationship with you child.^{[3]
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Research source}^{[4]
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Trustworthy Source
Greater Good Magazine
Journal published by UC Berkeley's Greater Good Science Center, which uses scientific research to promote happier living
Go to source} Don’t underestimate the primal power of a physical touch.^{[5]
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- Affection is also a good way to show that you are proud of your children. Cool moms aren’t afraid to tell their children they are proud of them, and they aren’t afraid to show it either.
- If you aren’t the physically affectionate type, express your feelings for your children verbally. A simple “I love you” or “You’re fantastic kids” will boost your children’s confidence and strengthen your bond.
6
Show affection at appropriate times. When your children are in front of their friends or peers, it is probably not the best time to be overly affectionate. However, when you are alone at home, it is a great time to show affection to your children. Make sure you choose to show or tell your children you love them at times that they won’t find embarrassing. In particular, avoid getting overly affectionate in public.
7
Show an interest in your children’s activities. Get to know their friends, learn the rules of the sports they play, find out what they think is the coolest part of the hobbies they enjoy. Ask your children questions about the things they like to do and why. Even if you don’t actively engage in these activities with your children, make an attempt to understand them.^{[6]
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- Attend their choral concerts, sporting events, school plays, piano recitals, etc. Nothing makes a cooler mom than one that is in the audience supporting their children. Make being present a priority, and if you can, become involved. For example, bring orange slices for your child’s soccer team for them to eat during a half-time break.^{[7]
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- Ask them to show you how to do one of their favorite hobbies, and give it a try. This will make your children feel like you are truly interested in their lives. Alternatively, involve your children in your hobbies. Research shows that engaging your child in your hobbies will bring you and your child together.^{[8]
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8
Allow your children to have their own interests and ambitions, even if you don’t find them particularly interesting. Never try to corral your children into doing particular activities if they are interested in other things.
- When your children find activities and hobbies they are interested in, be engaged without being overwhelming. Become involved with their hobbies and interests, but allow them to explore and develop their passions on their own in a way that lets them grow and develop alongside their peers. Show an appropriate level of enthusiasm- this may mean always being in attendance at your child’s soccer games, but not bringing you own megaphone to cheer him on.

Part 2

Part 2 of 3:

Connecting with Your Children

1
Join (or attempt!) social media. Learning to use the latest social media that is probably utilized by your children can be a great way to show that you’re up to date with the latest technology. In addition to making you a cool mom, it also provides you with a subtle way to keep an eye on your children’s friends and activities.
- Become “friends” with you children on social media, but don’t suffocate them. While having a Facebook profile may make you a cool mom, posting on your children’s page constantly or commenting on their activities in an overly protective way will likely take you out of cool mom territory and make your children regret your online presence. Limit your Facebook interactions (and Instagram, Twitter, etc.) to “likes” and maybe a rare comment.
- Draw boundaries. It’s unwise to post overly personal statements or sentiments on your children’s social media. Never scold your children about their social media use on their social media page; instead, use it as an opportunity to have an open, honest, and productive conversation with your child. Keep some distance on social media.
2
Make your own holiday. Designate a special day (it can be once a month, once a season, or once a year) and make it a day that you dedicate to spending one-on-one time with one of your children.^{[9]
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Research source} Pick a separate day for each child to allow some important parent-child bonding to take place. Whether you do the same activity each time or try new things, you and your child will both value the time you spend together. Here are some suggestions for how to spend the day:
- Have a girls’ glamour day: go shopping, get a massage, have your nails done, have a fancy lunch out, and drink champagne (or go out for “mocktails” or milkshakes if your child is not of legal drinking age).
- Try a class. Whether it’s a yoga class at the gym, a cooking class at a local restaurant, or a pottery class at an art studio, try an organized activity to make new memories.
- Go to a special event. Do your children have a favorite sports team or favorite band? If you can, take them to a live event; if not, plan a special “date” to watch the game or show on TV.
3
Meet your children’s friends. Meeting the people with whom your children spends the majority of their time is an important part of being a parent and can solidify your role as cool mom. While being a cool mom doesn’t mean that you need to let them engage in activities that you may not be comfortable with, this does mean that you must make an effort to accept their friends for who they are.
- Accept that some of your children’s friends will start to feel like your own children, while others will never do more than mutter “hello.” The most important thing is to make your children feel like they can be friends with anyone.
4
Keep an open door. Encourage your children to bring their friends over to your house. More importantly, make your home a place where they can feel comfortable and a place where they want to spend time.
- Be present, but not overbearing. It’s a great idea to stop in to the room your children and his friends are hanging out in and say hello, but don’t overstay your welcome. Keep an eye on the activities going on, but don’t hover.

Part 3

Part 3 of 3:

Finding a Balance

1
Be the mom, not the best friend. Remember that at the end of the day, whether you’re considered cool or not, you are their mom, and the only one they have. Don’t try to fill the role of older sister or best friend if it means neglecting your role as mom.
- Don’t be afraid to say no. Sometimes, as a mother, you will be forced to make the unpopular decision. While this is a demonstration of your love for your children, it is unlikely that they will see it that way. This is when you must play your primary role- mom but make sure to give them a treat if they do as they're told.
- Be there whenever and wherever they need you. Your mom may be the only person who won’t get mad at a 1am phone call “just to talk” if you’ve had a particularly bad day. Be that person for your children and be prepared to offer guidance, wisdom, and a listening ear at all hours of the day.
- Keep some distance. Allow your children to have their own experiences, make their own choices, and live their own life. Watch them grow up into the people you helped them to become.
2
Be fair and consistent. Make rules and stick to them. Ensure that any punishment fits the crime. While disciplining your children may not make you a cool mom at the time, you are teaching a lesson and instilling values that will inevitably make you a cool mom as your children grow up and realizes that everything you do is out of love but again, they may not want to talk to you for a ong time after becuase of what you have said so still be kind and if they ask for just a couple more minutes, then let them.
3
Spoil them (once in awhile). Whether it’s raising their allowance, treating them to a meal at a favorite restaurant, or taking them to an amusement park or cinema, giving your kids a treat will make you the coolest mom around.
- Don’t use these treats as a bribe. Instead, use them as a reward or as a “just because you’re you” present. This will encourage your children’s positive behavior and make them feel special.
4
Respect your child’s privacy. Your children will keep secrets, and this is an important part of growing up.^{[10]
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Research source} Being overly nosy or snooping in your children’s personal belongings is a surefire way to create tension in your relationship. Unless you believe you have a real reason to worry about something your children may be doing, respect their personal space and allow them to have secrets.
- If you feel your children may be engaged in something that is potentially harmful to themselves or to someone around them, it is important to talk to them and address the issue as soon as possible. This doesn’t give you permission to snoop, but in extenuating circumstances, you may need to breach your children’s privacy if you feel they are threatened in any way.
5
Set boundaries and stick to them. Your children need boundaries, and will respect you for setting them.^{[11]
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Research source} Remember that your children need you as a parent first and foremost, and as a friend after.
6
Appreciate your children for who they are. The most special thing about your children is that they will grow into totally unique people who have their own dreams, desires, ambitions, and emotions. The easiest and best way to be a cool mom is to simply love your children and guide them as they grow.

Community Q&A

Question

My child is so cool, how can I be cool like her, without embarrassing her?

Community Answer

Try to understand what she likes, show some interest in her hobbies or favourite music. Kids love when their parents take them to beautiful and amazing places or organised them very cool parties with their friends. Be your best self, they can only love the real you.
Question

My kids hate me because I am not cool. Should I abandon them?

Community Answer

The only uncool thing here is your immature attitude. First, who cares whether or not your kids think you're uncool? You're there to parent, not be the latest statement in what's cool. They're turn will come in time, the cycle of life turns for us all. Second, abandoning children is cruel and totally uncool, and shows a high degree of immaturity and overreaction. So short answer is no, you should not abandon your children. But you should reach in and pull out maturity and start being the real parent the kids need, accepting that they won't like the boundaries but that it's all for the greater good. One day, they'll look back and appreciate all that you did for them.
Question

My child gets embarrassed when I offer to take him and his friends somewhere. I'm not sure if it's the place, or if I'm being too clingy. Please help.

Community Answer

You didn't say how old your child is, but if he is a teenager, your child may want to be alone with friends. It's perfectly normal for teenagers to be embarrassed of their parents. Try not to take it personally. Be present in your child's life, but give them some time and space for themselves as well.