How to Be More Emotional in a Relationship

Co-authored by Allen Wagner, MFT, MA and Madeleine Criglow

Last Updated: June 24, 2022 References

Expressing yourself emotionally in a relationship can be hard if you’re not usually a very emotional person. Relationships aren't always like the fairytale we see in movies. They're complex and confusing sometimes, and it can be hard to know how to express yourself to your partner no matter how much you care about them. This article is here to help you open up and be vulnerable with your partner so that you can strengthen your emotional connection.

This article is based on an interview with our licensed marriage and family therapist, Allen Wagner. Check out the full interview here.

1

Be open about your feelings and secrets.

Do this even if it feels a little scary or unnatural at first. As you get to know your partner, open up to them about your past experiences, share the hopes and dreams you've been nervous to admit to others, and tell them how much you care about them (despite your fear of rejection). Be open about the deep, hidden feelings you don't often share with others. It may be hard at first, but you may grow to appreciate having someone to tell these things.^{[1]
X
Expert Source

Allen Wagner, MFT, MA
Marriage & Family Therapist
Expert Interview. 24 September 2021.}
- This helps your partner feel more comfortable around you, too. Since a relationship is reciprocal, you might have to take turns being the first to share or admit something to your partner.^{[2]
  X
  Research source}
- Never feel pressure to reveal something you're not comfortable talking about just yet. Just don't hide things from your partner out of fear that they'll reject you or won't understand.

2

Share good and bad news with your partner.

Keep them aware and updated on what's going on in your life. Whether it's good news or bad, new life events are great opportunities to be more emotionally vulnerable with your partner. Tell them about that promotion you just got or that new project you're super excited to have been assigned at work. If you get bad news, open up about the situation to your partner. This can heighten your emotional connection, and your partner can even help you process it.^{[3]
X
Expert Source

Allen Wagner, MFT, MA
Marriage & Family Therapist
Expert Interview. 24 September 2021.}
- Maybe you were recently laid off, but you're afraid to tell your partner. Rather than hiding this from them, share what happened and even admit your fears or frustration about the situation.^{[4]
  X
  Research source}
- Part of being in an emotionally intimate relationship is supporting each other through good times and bad. Your partner will be there to help you through it.

3

Ask your partner how they're feeling.

This helps you show your sensitivity to their emotions. Ask your partner specific questions, like how an experience made them feel or what's been going through their head lately.^{[5]
X
Expert Source

Allen Wagner, MFT, MA
Marriage & Family Therapist
Expert Interview. 24 September 2021.} Though your partner may tell you how they feel sometimes, asking them shows that you care and are willing to engage with them on an emotional level.^{[6]
X
Research source}
- Let's say your partner just got home from work and they seem really frazzled. Rather than just noticing their changed mood, ask them, "How was work today? Is everything alright?"
- Maybe your partner just got off the phone with their mom and they have a contentious relationship. Check up on them with questions like, "How are you doing? Did the conversation go alright?"

4

Be a good listener.

This helps you be more attuned to your partner's true feelings. Practice active listening strategies so that you can really focus on what your partner has to say. In conversation with your partner, rephrase what they said in your own words to make sure you understood them correctly, use empathetic language like "I completely understand where you're coming from" or "It totally makes sense that you would feel that way," and make direct eye contact when they speak to you.^{[7]
X
Trustworthy Source
Greater Good Magazine
Journal published by UC Berkeley's Greater Good Science Center, which uses scientific research to promote happier living
Go to source}
- Avoid multi-tasking when your partner talks to you, especially when they're speaking about something serious. Put your phone away, close your laptop, and pause your video game (even if you're about to beat the whole game).

5

Respect your partner's feelings.

Do this even if you don't always see eye to eye. Part of being in an emotionally intimate relationship is appreciating your partner's point of view, even when it differs from your own. Make an effort to put yourself in your partner's shoes, ask questions to better understand their perspective, and avoid judging or belittling their opinions.^{[8]
X
Trustworthy Source
HelpGuide
Nonprofit organization dedicated to providing free, evidence-based mental health and wellness resources.
Go to source}
- Affirm your partner's perspective to show your emotional sensitivity. Let's say you're having a political debate. Say something like, "Wow, I never thought about it that way. I always appreciate your perspective on things."
- If your partner expresses discomfort or insecurity about their opinion, encourage them. Say, "I always want to hear what you have to say. You never have to feel embarrassed around me!"

6

Use your sense of humor in awkward moments.

Especially at first, expressing your emotions can be uncomfortable. Don't sweat the small stuff if you don't phrase your words exactly as you wished you had. A great way to practice self-compassion when you flub your words or feel uncomfortable is to have a sense of humor about it. Laugh at yourself if things aren't coming out the way you'd planned. Don't be afraid to smile or even joke about how you're a little nervous when you're opening up to your partner.^{[9]
X
Trustworthy Source
HelpGuide
Nonprofit organization dedicated to providing free, evidence-based mental health and wellness resources.
Go to source}
- This can really help your partner feel more comfortable, too, and it'll really ease the tension during deep discussions.
- Do read the room, though. If your partner just opened up to you about something really serious in their past, for example, save the jokes until the subject has come to its natural conclusion.

7

Try new things with your partner.

Break up your routine to get to know each other on a deeper level. Learn new things together and be open to different experiences. Avoid getting so used to your partner that you don't make an effort to make your time together special or keep your emotional connection alive. Keep putting in the effort to change things up so your relationship doesn't become stagnant and monotonous.^{[10]
X
Research source}
- Take a class with your partner in something that you don't know anything about, like dance or improv. Plan a weekend trip to a city you've both never visited before. Plan special dates as if you just started dating.
- Even if you've been dating for 10 years, there's always new things and experiences you can share with your partner, and these are necessary to deepen your emotional connection.

8

Give your partner genuine, loving compliments.

Always tell your partner how much you care about them, and be specific. Share what you find so special about your partner, whether it be their sense of humor, their beautiful smile, or their positive outlook on life. Make a habit of complimenting them often so that you never take their presence for granted or make them feel unappreciated. Regular compliments are a great way to be attentive and caring with your partner.^{[11]
X
Research source}
- Next time you greet your partner, compliment how amazing they look. Say something like, "Don't you look beautiful today!"
- If you're not sure what to say, try writing out your feelings instead. Write them a little note about all the reasons you love your partner, and stick it in their laptop case or lunch bag before they leave for work.^{[12]
  X
  Research source}

9

Reflect on your emotions to become more emotionally aware.

Understand how you feel so you can express it to your partner.^{[13]
X
Research source} To do this, write out your emotions on the page. Use a pen and paper or start a daily journaling practice. Be honest with yourself about what you're feeling when you write things down and reread old entries to understand your thought patterns.^{[14]
X
Trustworthy Source
University of Rochester Medical Center
Leading academic medical center in the U.S. focused on clinical care and research
Go to source}
- Maybe you're feeling sad, but you don't understand why. Brainstorm what could be causing these emotions in a journal, then reread what you wrote.
- If you're upset or confused by something your partner did, write out your feelings in a journal before expressing them. Some extra time to reflect helps you avoid lashing out at your partner or emotionally shutting down.

10

Admit when you've made a mistake.

Everyone messes up sometimes in relationships. It can be tempting to pretend like you're perfect, but that won't help your relationship or yourself in the long run. If you snapped at your partner or forgot to do something you promised them, own up to your mistake and apologize. Being vulnerable like this is an important part of being emotionally available in a relationship.^{[15]
X
Trustworthy Source
HelpGuide
Nonprofit organization dedicated to providing free, evidence-based mental health and wellness resources.
Go to source}
- When you apologize, make a promise to change your actions and commit to following through with it.
- Say something like, "I'm so sorry I was distracted when we were talking this morning. I always want to know what you have to say, and I need to work on being more attentive."

Expert Q&A

Question

How do I have meaningful conversations with my partner?

Allen Wagner, MFT, MA
Marriage & Family Therapist
Allen Wagner is a licensed marriage and family therapist based in Los Angeles, California. He received his Master's in Psychology from Pepperdine University in 2004. He specializes in working with individuals and couples on ways they can improve their relationships. Along with his wife, Talia Wagner, he's the author of Married Roommates.

Allen Wagner, MFT, MA

Marriage & Family Therapist

Expert Answer

Describe how you're feeling in 1 word and invite your partner to do the same. Hearing the other person's mood gives you a chance to understand their mindset going into the conversation.