How to Accept the Fact Your Partner Is Not Intelligent

Co-authored by Moshe Ratson, MFT, PCC

Last Updated: February 15, 2023 References

Your partner not being as intelligent as you like does not mean an end to a relationship because you can come to accept that fact by focusing on the positive parts of your relationship and the qualities in your partner that you like. Everyone has positive and negative characteristics, and not everyone is or can be academically successful. That said, there are certainly other things about your partner that you admire and love. Accepting your partner for who they are and learning to compromise will lead to a happier, healthier relationship for both of you!

Method 1

Method 1 of 2:

Compromising for a Happier Relationship

1
Remember intelligence is only one of your partner’s traits. Evaluate the many reasons you and your partner are in a relationship. If a difference in intelligence has become a problem, it might be worth your time to think through your partner’s positive attributes.^{[1]
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2
Value trust over intelligence. Trust is one of the many characteristics that make for happy, healthy relationships, and breach of trust is one of the most common reasons for breakups. If you’ve found a trustworthy partner, this may be more valuable than intelligence in the long run.^{[2]
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Choose honest communication. Rather than focusing on the intellectual content of conversations with your partner, consider whether your partner communicates with you openly and honestly. The odds of finding a partner who shares your exact level of intelligence are slim. Finding a partner who understands the way you communicate and can effectively reciprocate this communication is much more likely.^{[3]
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4
Rate your partner’s emotional intelligence. Remember intelligence based on educational background is just one of many types of intellect. Your relationship may be happier if you shift your focus to your partner’s emotional intelligence, the ability to understand and empathize with emotions and navigate emotional situations. Think through the following set of emotional intelligence compatibility questions.
- Does your partner provide comfort when you’re sad?
- Does your partner hear you out and validate your feelings when you’re mad?
- Does your partner know when you’re upset without you telling them?^{[4]
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Recognize that your partner cannot provide everything you need. One mistake couples make is assuming their significant other has to be their confidant, business partner, and whole world. This expectation is unrealistic. Every relationship we have with romantic partners, family members, and friends gives us something different. Maybe your partner can’t chat about Noam Chomsky, but they understand when you need to take a break or why you love comic books.
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Maintain your own self-worth. If you believe you’re dating below yourself because your partner is less intelligent than you are or vice versa, it may become tempting to adjust your own self-worth down. Remember your value and that of your partner are in no way interdependent. However, if you truly believe you’re not good enough for your partner or vice versa because of a difference in intelligence, the relationship may not be salvageable.^{[5]
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Method 2

Method 2 of 2:

Seeing Your Partner Through Rose Tinted Glasses

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View your partner through “rose tinted” glasses. Being in love may not literally be like wearing rose tinted glasses, but psychological research suggests it can be beneficial to put your metaphorical rose tinted glasses back on and idealize your relationship and what attracted you to your partner in the first place. Couples who focus on the positive parts of their relationships and characteristics of their partners are happier and less likely to be divorced.^{[6]
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Support your partner’s desires to learn and engage. Instead of viewing your partner’s lack of knowledge on a subject you’re passionate about as a negative, view this as an opportunity to share your knowledge. Encourage your partner’s interests, and take time to help them learn more.^{[7]
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Accept that differing intelligence doesn’t have to impact happiness. Even if your partner is less intelligent than you are, finding someone who respects and encourages you will lead to more happiness than selecting a partner who is equally intelligent. Research shows that differing levels of intelligence between partners has little impact on their long term happiness, especially compared with factors like trust and respect.^{[8]
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4
Change the way you think about attraction. We alter the way we think about things on an almost daily basis. If you have high blood pressure, you change your diet and exercise routines. If you can’t sleep at night, you take sleep aids and alter your schedule. When it comes to attraction, people have the mistaken belief they can’t change the way they feel, even if they continually end up in unhappy and unhealthy relationships.
- If you repeatedly find yourself attracted to very smart or much less intelligent people, try to find a happy medium.
- Look at other factors of attraction besides intelligence, and decide what matters to you most.
- Shift your focus to finding a partner who is happy with or without you. These confident, content individuals will make better partners no matter what their IQ.^{[9]
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Expert Q&A

Question

What do you talk about with your boyfriend in a deep conversation?

Moshe Ratson, MFT, PCC
Marriage & Family Therapist
Moshe Ratson is the Executive Director of spiral2grow Marriage & Family Therapy, a coaching and therapy clinic in New York City. Moshe is an International Coach Federation accredited Professional Certified Coach (PCC). He received his MS in Marriage and Family Therapy from Iona College. Moshe is a clinical member of the American Association of Marriage and Family Therapy (AAMFT), and a member of the International Coach Federation (ICF).

Moshe Ratson, MFT, PCC

Marriage & Family Therapist

Expert Answer

Try to share your feelings, thoughts, and needs without coming from a dictating or controlling place. Work on having a better understanding of yourself, and definitely listen to your partner so you can understand them. Once you establish a healthy foundation without being angry or controlling, it'll be a lot easier to open up.
Question

If I'm the unintelligent one in the relationship, do the same steps apply?

Community Answer

Yes, they do. If your partner is with you despite being more intelligent than you, then clearly you have plenty of other wonderful qualities that they love.
Question

How do I find out if I am unintelligent?

Jared Stearns

Community Answer

For starters, you can take an aptitude test, such as the SAT or ACT, to find out a baseline for how smart you are. However, intelligence can be measured in several different ways, such as emotional and social intelligence, so taking said test might not give you the full picture.