12 Examples of Mixed Signals from Guys

Co-authored by Kelli Miller, LCSW, MSW and Kira Jan

Last Updated: December 4, 2022 References

When you’re getting mixed signals from a guy you like, it can feel frustrating and confusing—does he actually want to be with you or not? Mixed signals can come from a guy’s insecurity or lack of communication skills, but sometimes they’re his way of keeping you at a distance. We’ll teach you how to decode these subtle signs and walk you through exactly what to do when a guy gives you mixed signals.

1

He acts hot and cold.

One minute he’s all over you, and the next he pulls away. He might tell you how much he likes you and then go radio silent for a couple of days. Or he might flatter and flirt with you a ton but not ask you out again. When a guy goes hot and cold, it's either his way of trying to slow things down, or it's an unhealthy tactic to get you to chase him. Here’s how to handle hot and cold behavior:^{[1]
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- If you’ve just met, give him time and space. Wait for him to reach out, and focus on yourself in the meantime. By not engaging in his games, you’re showing that you know your worth and won’t tolerate coldness.
- If you’ve been dating for a while, describe how his behavior makes you feel and ask for the behavior you’d like to see instead. For example, “I feel hurt and confused when you get distant. Could talk about what’s going on and schedule regular time together so we can connect more?”^{[2]
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2

He texts you infrequently and sends short replies.

Wait before jumping to conclusions when a guy gives mixed signals over text. He might send a text like “Hey how’s it going?” and then not respond after you reply. Or, he might like all your social media posts but not reply to your texts. Waiting’s not easy, but it’s normal for guys to respond a few hours later, as long as they reply within the same day.^{[3]
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Research source} But if he repeatedly doesn’t make an effort in his texts, here’s what you can do:
- If you don’t know each other well, check out his texting patterns over a few days. Look to see if he regularly starts conversations with you—that’s a good sign he’s really interested!
- If your guy ghosts you or leaves you on read more than a couple of times, your best bet is to move on.^{[4]
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- If you’re dating, let him know that you’d like more consistent communication. Say something like, “I’d love it if we could check in over text once a day or so. How do you feel about that?”

3

He doesn’t follow up after a date.

He might be busy or disinterested if he doesn't communicate post-date. You two might go on an amazing date or a couple of dates and really feel like you’re clicking. But then, after the next fun outing together, you stop hearing from him. That kind of emotional whiplash can leave you wondering what’s going on! Here’s how to decode this classic mixed signal:^{[5]
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- If you don’t want to text first, wait up to 3 days after the date and see if he texts you. Some guys might still be operating under the outdated assumption that they have to wait a certain amount of time before asking for a second date.^{[6]
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- Reach out to him and take the initiative. Pick up the conversation where you left off by bringing up something from your date, and mention hanging out again. You could send a message like, “Hey, I still can’t believe you beat me at foosball. Can I get a rematch?”

4

He cancels on you.

Pay attention to how he makes it up to you after canceling plans. It certainly doesn’t feel good when someone cancels on you. Still, if he gives you a genuine apology and reschedules, he probably had a legitimate reason for canceling. However, look out if he doesn’t try to reschedule or if his flakiness becomes a pattern.^{[7]
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Research source} Here’s how to deal with flaky mixed signals:
- Set boundaries for what you will and won’t accept in your dating life.^{[8]
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- Ask yourself, “If this behavior were still happening in one year, would I be okay with it?” If the answer’s no, it’s a good idea to address the situation.^{[9]
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- Assert your boundaries by expressing what’s important to you, rather than blaming him.
- For instance, you could say something like, “I’d really like it if you could stick to our plans. That way I know when I’ll get to see you because I really value our time together.”

5

He stops putting effort into planning dates.

Sometimes it’s normal for your romantic date nights to change. As the relationship goes on, you two might end up staying in to watch a movie or ordering takeout rather than going out. Yes, it might feel like a mixed signal when a guy stops planning romantic dates, but it doesn’t immediately mean he’s lost interest. Here’s how to tell where you stand:^{[10]
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- If you just met and you’ve noticed he prefers to “Netflix and chill” rather than go out, he might not be interested in a committed relationship. This is especially true if your conversations tend to stay pretty superficial or sexual in nature.^{[11]
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- If you’ve been dating for a while, try to reignite the romance. Ask your guy if he’s down to try a new hobby with you, check out a new restaurant, or boost the romantic ambiance on your next date night with some candles and music.^{[12]
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6

He doesn’t want to define the relationship.

Most people make the relationship official after 3 months of dating. Labeling the relationship means that you’re willing to make a commitment to each other (and it often means you’ll be exclusive).^{[13]
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Research source} So it can be absolutely gut-wrenching when a guy says he likes you but “isn’t ready” or doesn’t want to label your relationship. After all, studies show defining the relationship boosts relationship satisfaction.^{[14]
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Research source} If your guy won’t label the relationship, take a deep breath. You’ve got plenty of options:
- Give him time and focus on building trust. Some people find it hard to commit because of past relationship issues, and they just move at a slower pace.^{[15]
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  Nonprofit organization dedicated to providing free, evidence-based mental health and wellness resources.
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- Communicate openly about what you want from the relationship.^{[16]
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  Kelli Miller, LCSW, MSW
  Psychotherapist
  Expert Interview. 11 June 2020.} He might not know whether or not it’s important to you to be exclusive and DTR. Say something like, “I’d really like to make our relationship official. How do you feel about that?”
- End the relationship if you two can’t agree. Sometimes, couples just don’t work out because of differing expectations. If you can’t find common ground, just remember there’s someone else out there for you.

7

He gets jealous easily but still doesn’t want a relationship.

Be wary of jealous guys who don’t want to commit. It’s a huge sign of immaturity if a guy who doesn’t want to define the relationship gets jealous when you talk to other people. Relationships are about putting in equal effort, so jealousy from a noncommittal guy represents a double standard. Here’s some guidance for where to draw the line with jealousy:^{[17]
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- Move on if he gets jealous of your friends. It’s normal and good for your well-being to maintain healthy friendships.
- Leave the relationship if his jealous behavior crosses into demanding behavior or accusations.

8

He avoids talking about his emotions.

Meaningful, satisfying relationships are based on emotional connection. When a guy won’t open up to you, it can feel isolating and confusing.^{[18]
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HelpGuide
Nonprofit organization dedicated to providing free, evidence-based mental health and wellness resources.
Go to source} Everyone moves at their own pace, so your guy might just need a little more time before he feels safe and comfortable being vulnerable. In the meantime, here’s what you can do:^{[19]
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- Try to encourage him to talk by saying, “If you ever want to talk, I’m here.”
- Build trust by expressing appreciation. For instance, you could say, “I’m so grateful for you, and I really appreciate that you were there for me today.”
- Be vulnerable and share your own feelings. You could say something like, “I had a really rough day at work today. I wanted to get your thoughts on what I should do.”

9

He says he’s there for you but doesn’t come through.

He might seem all-in but suddenly pull away when things get hard. A lack of follow-through and emotional support can mean he’s not really interested. On the flip side, this could also mean he's not mature enough to understand the time and energy he can realistically give in a relationship.^{[20]
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Research source} Since emotional validation and consistency are crucial parts of a relationship, here's what you can do to clear up this mixed signal:^{[21]
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- Talk to your partner about how it feels when he doesn’t follow through and what you’d like to see him do differently.^{[22]
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- Steer clear of guys who shower you with compliments and promises when you first start dating. That behavior is called “love bombing,” and it’s a technique narcissists use to get you to trust them.^{[23]
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10

He tells you he’s into you but still talks to his ex.

It’s not necessarily a bad thing if a guy is still friends with his ex. However, when his behavior makes you feel uncomfortable or insecure, it’s okay to speak up.^{[24]
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Research source} For instance, it's totally reasonable to be upset if your guy turns to his ex for emotional connection, since that could be a sign of unresolved feelings. In turn, those unresolved feelings can make it tough for him to move on and truly connect with you.^{[25]
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Research source} Try this out if he talks with his ex:
- Check in with how you feel about the relationship overall. Romantic jealousy tends to get worse when you already feel insecure or uncertain about a relationship.^{[26]
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- Let him know the behavior bothers you. Say something like, “Seeing you talk with your ex makes me feel pretty insecure. Could we talk about this?”

11

He isn’t affectionate when you’re around other people.

He might not be into PDA, or he might be hiding your relationship. If he doesn’t want to kiss you or hold hands in public, he might just feel self-conscious or come from a different cultural background where PDA isn’t acceptable.^{[27]
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Research source} A lack of PDA isn’t anything to be worried about unless you notice he’s also not affectionate in private.^{[28]
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Research source} In either case, it’s worth checking in with him to see what’s behind this hot-and-cold behavior. Here’s how to do it:
- Just say something like, “I’ve noticed you’re not into holding hands in public. What are your comfort levels for PDA?”
- Check in with him before you try and touch him in public. For instance, you could ask, “Is it okay if I kiss you? Or should I wait?”

12

He doesn’t want to have sex.

A low sex drive can have a lot of causes beyond your relationship. You might feel rejected when a guy turns you down, but this confusing signal might not be about you. When a guy loses interest in sex, he might be stressed out, he might have low testosterone, or he might just have a naturally lower libido. Since a lack of sex doesn’t equal a lack of attraction, here’s what you can do:^{[29]
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- Wait for him to initiate sex and avoid criticizing or blaming him.^{[30]
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- Engage in other forms of touch like cuddling and kissing, without expecting sex.

Expert Q&A

Question

How do you deal with a guy who is playing games?

Kelli Miller, LCSW, MSW
Psychotherapist
Kelli Miller is a Psychotherapist based in Los Angeles, California. Kelli specializes in individual and couples therapy focusing on relationships, depression, anxiety, sexuality, communication, parenting, and more. Kelli also facilitates groups for those struggling with alcohol and drug addiction as well as anger management groups. She is the author of “Professor Kelli’s Guide to Finding a Husband” and the award-winning and best-selling book “Thriving with ADHD”. Kelli co-hosted an advice show on LA Talk Radio and is a relationship expert for The Examiner. She received her MSW (Masters of Social Work) from the University of Pennsylvania and a BA in Sociology/Health from the University of Florida.

Kelli Miller, LCSW, MSW

Psychotherapist

Expert Answer

Playing games is a big sign that you need to have a conversation. Be direct about how you're feeling—that's the best way to get a straight answer.