How to Tell If a Guy Cares

Co-authored by Laura Bilotta

Last Updated: August 11, 2021

Guys are hard to read sometimes. A guy who doesn't care anything for you might be great at faking it (at least for a while), while another guy who does care for you has a tough time expressing it. There's no one litmus test to tell whether a guy really does care for you or not, but if you pay attention to the way he acts toward you in various situations, you'll have an easier time figuring out the answer.

Method 1

Method 1 of 4:

Seeing How He Acts when You're Apart

1
See how often he wants to see you. Allow him to make plans for getting together. Note how much of his free time he devotes to you. The more time he wants to spend with you, the more he cares.^{[1]
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- Allow some leeway if your schedules are busy or conflicting because of work, school, or family functions. But if he has all the free time in the world and only wants to see you once a week, consider that a sign of ambivalence.
2
Check how often he reaches out to you. Note how frequently he calls, emails, or texts you. If he contacts you regularly, consider that a sign that he wants to be part of your life. Give him a little grace period if he’s extremely busy, but also note how much effort he makes to keep in touch in spite of that.^{[2]
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- On the other hand, watch out if he's calling way too much. If he calls you when he knows you're busy with work, family, or studying and still expects you to drop everything and talk to him, that probably means he cares less about your needs and more about his own.
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3
Find out what he’s doing. When you aren’t going to see each other anytime soon, ask him what he’ll be up to. Gauge his willingness to answer. If he seems cagey and vague, consider that a sign that he doesn’t care enough about you to share all of his life with you. If he’s forthcoming and lets you know what his plans are at any given hour, take it as a sign of honesty and inclusion.
- Take him at his word when he tells you what he'll be up to. Don't sneak around and spy on him to make sure he's telling the truth (unless he gives you a very good reason to). If he does care about you and catches you stalking him, he might take that as a sign of mistrust, which could hurt your relationship.
4
Tell him you need time for yourself. Every now and then, say that you need a little alone-time, either by yourself or with your own friends. See how well he takes it. If he respects the fact that everyone needs a little break from each other from time to time, take that as a plus. But if he demands that you spend every available second with him, take that to mean he’s less interested in keeping you happy than keeping himself happy.^{[3]
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- Remember: this works both ways. Don't be upset if he asks for a night off every now and then so he can spend time with other people or by himself, especially if the two of you have been spending a lot of time together recently.

Method 2

Method 2 of 4:

Observing How He Acts when You're Together

1
Note where he places himself. When you’re together, pay attention to where he orients himself in relation to you–especially when you’re out with other people. Think of the physical distance between the two of you as the emotional distance that he wants to maintain. The farther he keeps his body away when you’re sitting or standing together, the less he wants others to think of you two as being together.^{[4]
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- Take this less to heart if you know he tends to be shy or reserved. If that's your guy, he could be nervous around you because he cares about you, or he may want to avoid coming across as someone who's going to smother you.
2
Suggest activities you know he’s not into. If he hates romantic comedies, ask him to go see one with you. If he doesn’t particularly like one or more of your friends, ask him to come along when you go out to see them. Test how willing he is to keep you happy. If he’s happy to do things that he’d rather not do just to keep you happy, be assured that this means he cares about you.^{[5]
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- Be careful not to overdo it. If all you ever do is drag him to places that you know he doesn't like, he may start to resent it after a while.
3
Ask to join him in his favorite things. If he goes surfing every weekend, say you want to come along to the beach even if you don’t know how to surf. If he has a regular hang-out that he goes to, like an arcade or coffee shop, suggest going together. See how willing he is to include you in all aspects of his life.^{[6]
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- Respect the fact that everyone needs to do their own thing if he doesn’t want to make a habit out of bringing you along every single time. But at the very least he should be willing to include you every once and a while just so you can see what matters so much to him.
4
Keep track of his promises. When he says he’s going to do something, note whether he actually does it. Pay attention to how punctual he is when you’re supposed to meet or call each other. If he fails to show up on time, ask for the reason why and see if it’s a valid excuse.^{[7]
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- Everyone runs late or forgets to do stuff every now and then. But if he consistently fails to follow through on his word, consider that a sign that he doesn’t think of you as someone worth proving himself to.
5
Ask him for favors. Whether it’s big or small, see how quickly he offers to do it. If he fetches you another soda from the fridge just so you don’t have to get up, or gives you his jacket because you feel a chill, then he cares about you. If he does it without thinking twice about it or expecting a reward, he cares even more.^{[8]
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- Obviously, if it’s a really big favor, like “fix my car,” he’ll probably have to think things over at first, if only to figure out if and when he could possibly do such a time-consuming project.
6
Test his memory. In passing, refer back to a previous conversation you’ve had with him. If you told him a story about school or work last week, tell him how things turned out since then. See how much he remembers from the first story.^{[9]
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- Of course, he may not have the same job as you or attend the same class, so he may not have had a strong grasp on all the details in the first place. But expect him to at least remember the point of the story.
7
Talk about the future. Mention your own hopes and plans. Ask him where he sees himself a year from now, in five years, in ten. Pay close attention to how he answers. See how much your two visions conflict with each other, and if they do, how much effort he makes into combining the two into one shared vision. The more he talks about “we” and the less he uses “I,” the more likely he thinks of you as someone to plan his own future around.^{[10]
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Method 3

Method 3 of 4:

Seeing How He Handles You with Larger Groups

1
Note how much he includes you. When you’re out with other people, pay attention to where he focuses his own attention. Stay quiet for a while and see how long it takes him to draw you back into the conversation, or if he forgets about you entirely. If you’re at a large party and separate to talk to different people, check how frequently he comes back to touch base with you, if only for a moment.^{[11]
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Expert Source

Laura Bilotta
Dating Coach & Matchmaker
Expert Interview. 4 March 2020.}
- Be sure to do this on a case-by-case basis. The situation will probably be at least a little bit different each time. If he hasn't seen a certain friend in a very long time, for instance, he may understandably focus more on them. Look for consistent behavior over time instead of singling out just one occasion.
2
Talk about meeting his family and/or friends. Watch his reaction to the idea. If he seems reluctant to introduce you, ask him why. If he can’t give you a good reason, or if he says "sure" all the time but keeps putting it off, question why a guy who supposedly cares about you wouldn’t want other people in his life to meet you.^{[12]
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- Remember: he may have a valid reason for being reluctant. He may be more worried about what you think of his friends than the other way around. Or his family life may not be the best situation. Encourage him to talk freely about his concerns. The more he confides, the more he cares.
3
Watch him with your pet. Observe how he behaves with your favorite animal in the whole world. See if they get along right off the bat, and if not, what sort of effort he makes to befriend it. You and he both know that your pet is going to be with you for a while, so use your pet to see what lengths the guy will go to in order to be part of your life, too.^{[13]
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Method 4

Method 4 of 4:

Noting How He Acts when You Disagree

1
Examine how he deals with conflict. When you disagree with him, gauge how he reacts. Reading his responses as “good” or “bad” is tricky, but generally, accept it as a good sign when he argues his own points with you. Take it to mean that he wants you to understand exactly where he stands so that you know exactly who you're with.^{[14]
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- No two people hold the exact same opinions, so be wary if he always agrees with you. If he does, consider it likely that he’s more interested in enjoying himself here and now than in building a long-term relationship, where knowing and resolving differences in opinion will really matter.
2
Ask yourself if he’s really listening to you. When you argue, see if he absorbs the points you’re making. He doesn’t have to agree with you in the end, but, at the very least, expect him to consider what you’re saying before responding. But if he always barrels on with his own opinions, as if you never said anything at all, he probably cares more about being “right” than about having a real exchange of ideas.
3
Listen to his tone and words. Watch out for put-downs and insults. Judge how much he cares about you by his willingness to hurt you just because you disagree. If he calls you or your ideas “stupid” or anything like that, take that as a red flag.
- Also note the way he talks to you. Even if he doesn’t insult you outright, recognize when he’s still being dismissive and “talking down” to you.

Community Q&A

Question

How does he act if he's hurt?

Community Answer

It depends on the guy. Some may hide it because they've been taught to; others may lash out; others may simply say so and share why.

Warnings

Telling if a guy cares is no science. Don’t come to a conclusion based on just one result from any of the methods above. They may be influenced by incidental factors: maybe he’s allergic to your pet; maybe he kind of forgets you’re there just because he’s hasn’t seen the person you’re both hanging out with in a very long time; maybe he has a really bad memory in general; etc.

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Don’t put too much stock in a guy’s manners as a sign of whether or not he cares. Narcissists can learn to open doors for you just like everyone else (and are probably even more likely to just because they love to look good). On the other hand, a guy who really cares about you might treat you like “one of the guys” because he thinks of you as an equal.

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