How to Talk to Someone You've Cheated On

Co-authored by Kelli Miller, LCSW, MSW

Last Updated: August 9, 2021 References

There is no such thing as a relationship that is immune to cheating. Ideally, this is something that you and your partner both abstain from, but the reality is that nearly half of relationships experience cheating (the number could be higher). If you have cheated on your partner, then you will both need to decide if staying in the relationship is the right decision. To do this, it will take open and honest communication between the two of you, regardless of the outcome.

Part 1

Part 1 of 4:

Discussing the Cheating

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Ask yourself why you cheated. There are many reasons for cheating in a relationship. Sometimes the cheater feels as if the current relationship is ending anyway. Other times the cheating is a way to seek out thrills or experience something exciting that isn’t happening in their relationship. Still, there are more reasons - most of which are complicated. If you intend to discuss cheating with your partner, be prepared to answer the question “Why?”
2
Decide if you want to continue your relationship with your partner. If you do not want to continue your current relationship, it might be best to just end it and not put your partner through the pain of knowing you cheated. If you plan to continue your current relationship, you’ll need to weigh the pros and cons of being honest with your partner against the amount of pain that honesty will bring. You should realize, though, that these kinds of things usually surface eventually, and it might be best to be honest up front.
- Even if you end the relationship, you need to tell your partner about the cheating if their health may be compromised by any sexually transmitted diseases as a result of your cheating. They have the right to seek medical care.
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3
Confess to your partner.^{[1]
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Expert Source

Kelli Miller, LCSW, MSW
Psychotherapist
Expert Interview. 11 June 2020.} Whether your partner is confronting you or you have just decided that you need to be honest, the first step in this conversation is to confess. You need to take full responsibility of your actions. Even if you feel that the relationship wasn’t going well, you made the decision to cheat. Own up to that honestly.^{[2]
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- The focus should be on you. Instead of saying “You didn’t make me feel good in our relationship, so I cheated,” you should phrase it more like “I was feeling insecure in our relationship and I made a mistake. I cheated.”
4
Apologize to your partner.^{[3]
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Expert Source

Kelli Miller, LCSW, MSW
Psychotherapist
Expert Interview. 11 June 2020.} Why you cheated is irrelevant in this part of the conversation. Even if you feel that your actions were justified (or even if you aren’t sorry for the actual cheating), you have done something that hurt your partner. You should apologize for the pain that they are feeling as a result of your actions.^{[4]
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- Your partner should be the focus of your apology. You should apologize directly to them. For example, “I am really sorry that what I’ve done is hurting you so badly.”
5
Answer any reasonable questions. Your partner will have many questions about your cheating. Most of the time they will want to know who the other person is, how long it has been going on, where you met the other person etc. Some partners will take this interrogation too far, though. You should explain that it is not helpful to answer questions about the actual “act.” These details are irrelevant to repairing your relationship and will only be painful to discuss for both of you. ^{[5]
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- If you partner asks something such as “How long has the cheating been going on,” you should respond with a direct answer like “It has been three months now.”
- If your partner asks questions like “What was it like being with the other person,” you should respond by respectfully redirecting the conversation “I know that you’re hurt, but talking about that will only cause more pain. We should focus on how to go on with our relationship.”
6
Be honest with your partner.^{[6]
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Expert Source

Kelli Miller, LCSW, MSW
Psychotherapist
Expert Interview. 11 June 2020.} The lying stops here. If you are having this conversation you need to be honest. If you do not feel comfortable answering a question, then say that. If you do answer a question, answer it truthfully.^{[7]
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Part 2

Part 2 of 4:

Respecting Your Partner’s Space

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Allow your partner time to process. Relationships are complicated things. Adding another person (or more) to the mix, even if temporarily, takes time to process. You’re partner will need to dissect the things that they learn in this conversation. Give them time to do this without pressuring them.^{[8]
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Do not attempt to control your partner’s reaction. When you have the “I cheated talk” you may have a certain outcome in mind. Your partner may feel differently, and that’s okay. You have to allow your partner to decide for themselves how they will react to your cheating. You can only be honest, you cannot decide how your honesty is received.
- Keep in mind that your partner does NOT have the right to react violently or to abuse you because of your cheating.
3
Be there when your partner needs you. If you wish to continue the relationship and your partner needs time to process, you should be there when they are ready to talk. If your partner needs you to be attentive, do it. Treat your partner like you do genuinely want to continue the relationship and that you do regret the cheating.^{[9]
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4
Trust your partner. All too often we allow ourselves to project our guilt onto other people. If you have cheated on your partner, you’ll likely feel insecure thinking that they will now do the same to you. Do not accuse your partner of anything without good (really good) reason. They should not be the victim of your self-inflicted guilt.

Part 3

Part 3 of 4:

Respecting Yourself

1
Forgive yourself for cheating. Whether the relationship continues or not, you have to move on with your life. You can acknowledge that you made a mistake (and you should). You can also regret that mistake and learn from it. You do, however, have to accept your actions. This means looking at the good and the bad that they have caused and being at peace with yourself..^{[10]
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2
Be honest about what you want and need. Cheating is more than just the company of someone outside your exclusive relationship. Cheating is dishonesty. You have to start being honest about your needs and desires, both with yourself and your partner. There is no way to address your needs if you deny them or do not communicate them to your partner.^{[11]
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Expect respect from your partner. You should leave your partner plenty of space to be mad at you. They deserve that. You should not be a punching bag - physically or emotionally. Your cheating is not leverage for your partner to control you or abuse you. Set boundaries as to what is okay and not okay when it comes to how you treat each other.^{[12]
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Trust yourself to be faithful. You have to move on with your life and, if your partner agrees, your relationship. If you genuinely cannot help but cheat, then your needs are not being met in some way or you do not need a monogamous relationship. That might mean you need to discuss them with your partner, or maybe you need to see a counselor to help you through personal problems. Either way, you have to be able to trust yourself.^{[13]
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Part 4

Part 4 of 4:

Moving Forward in the Relationship

1
Be honest with yourself and your partner about ending the cheating. You have cheated once, or twice, or maybe many times. Now, you have either been caught or have come clean. You know why you cheated, but now you need to really decide if you intend to do whatever it takes to stop the cheating, or if you will continue it or relapse into it later. If you want to stop cheating, you have to actively keep your promises. If you want to continue your promiscuity, you need to be honest with your partner about this.^{[14]
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- Though it is not as common as monogamous relationships, you and your partner could consider things such as open relationships if you wish to stay together. It is better to be honest with each other than to constantly lie and hurt each other.
2
Discuss boundaries for both parties.^{[15]
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Expert Source

Kelli Miller, LCSW, MSW
Psychotherapist
Expert Interview. 11 June 2020.} People do not define cheating in the same way. Most people agree that intercourse with another person is cheating, but the definition gets blurry from there. Is your partner okay with you talking to an ex online? Are you okay with them meeting a friend for dinner? These boundaries should be discussed early and often so that both partners know where they are.^{[16]
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3
Be transparent with your partner. Do not be vague or sneaky. When your partner asks a question, answer it. If you will be late getting home, tell your partner that. Create an atmosphere of certain and trust, and expect the same from your partner.^{[17]
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4
Keep your promises. Breaking small promises can cause a lot of distrust. If you can’t make time this weekend for a walk in the park that you promised, then how can you keep the promise not to cheat or leave your partner? There are two keys to keeping your promises. The first is do not promise anything you aren’t completely willing to do and sure you can follow through with. The second is to follow through with it no matter what.^{[18]
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5
Give your partner access to your accounts. Your partner will need to be able to check on your emails, phone messages, and social media messages to see that you are trustworthy. Freely offering to give your partner access to these things will make it easier for him or her to trust you again. If you refuse to allow your partner to access these things, then he or she may suspect that you are still cheating with the same person or cheating with someone new.^{[19]
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- If giving your partner total access to these accounts bothers you, then you might consider setting some ground rules, such as asking that your partner only check your accounts once per day or that your partner only check the accounts in your presence.
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Make an effort to understand each other’s needs. Both partners need to consider their needs as well as the other person’s needs. Often one partner will not understand why the other person needs something, and they will deem it unimportant. Try to avoid this and truly understand what will make each partner feel secure and happy.^{[20]
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Bond with your partner. This might be the most important part of any relationship. You have to make time to appreciate each other. There is no “perfect” way to bond, but you should spend mutually enjoyable time together and do things for each other often. Bonding is as much give as it is take, not more and not less.^{[21]
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Expert Q&A
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Question

What should I say to someone that I cheated on?

Kelli Miller, LCSW, MSW
Psychotherapist
Kelli Miller is a Psychotherapist based in Los Angeles, California. Kelli specializes in individual and couples therapy focusing on relationships, depression, anxiety, sexuality, communication, parenting, and more. Kelli also facilitates groups for those struggling with alcohol and drug addiction as well as anger management groups. She is the author of “Professor Kelli’s Guide to Finding a Husband” and the award-winning and best-selling book “Thriving with ADHD”. Kelli co-hosted an advice show on LA Talk Radio and is a relationship expert for The Examiner. She received her MSW (Masters of Social Work) from the University of Pennsylvania and a BA in Sociology/Health from the University of Florida.

Kelli Miller, LCSW, MSW

Psychotherapist

Expert Answer

Support wikiHow by unlocking this expert answer.

If you haven't already, you should apologize and talk about the ways that you're going to change and improve.

Warnings

If you feel that your partner might hurt you, get out. First, get away from your partner so that they can’t hurt you, and then get out of the relationship permanently.

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Do not let your guilt drive you to stay with a partner that you would rather leave.

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As long as you feel safe confronting your partner about your cheating in private, that is best. This allows your partner to react genuinely. Again, if you feel that this isn’t safe, just get out of the relationship.

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Trying out non-monogamy / polyamory / open relationships / etc. because you have an issue with cheating isn't necessarily good advice. These are genuine lifestyles and relationships that don't suit everyone and aren't a get out of jail free card for disloyalty. It is possible to cheat in an open relationship, and polyamorous relationships often require more work than a monoamorous one. Do research and know what you could be getting into before you decide that's what's best for you.

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