How to Stop Fighting With Your Best Friend

Co-authored by Trudi Griffin, LPC, MS

Last Updated: December 10, 2021 References

If you and your best friend fight a lot, it may be that you've just fallen into a bad pattern or habit. Try to remember that you started being friends for a reason -- whether it's shared interests, similar backgrounds, or something else. To get your friendship back on track, you can try defusing arguments before they start, as well as several other ways. You may end up taking a break or walking away from a toxic friend.

1

Identify which behaviors are causing a problem.

This will help prevent the conversation from becoming too emotional. Before you talk to your friend, make sure that you carefully think about what might be causing the problem. Try to identify specific behaviors or situations that may be contributing to the issue.
- For example, if one friend is too controlling, you can ask them to let you do things your own way.
- If you often argue about what to do, you both might create a list of activities and take turns doing what is on each person's list.

2

Ask your friend to sit down and talk.

Find a neutral place where you and your best friend can talk without interruptions. Pay attention to what they say instead of thinking about what you are going to say next.^{[1]
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Research source} You may feel the urge to defend yourself if you feel your best friend is misjudging the situation, but you can do that after you have let them speak. ^{[2]
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3

Apologize if you need to.

If you're the one at fault, a genuine apology can make your friend feel a lot better. Make sure you are taking responsibility for hurting your friend by saying something like "I'm sorry I yelled, I know that hurts your feelings."

4

Make them laugh if things get tense.

Sometimes, humor can be the perfect way to reduce tension. Making references to fun times in the past may be just the thing to get your friend smiling again during a tense moment.^{[3]
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- Try to get your friend talking about a happy memory, or a time you felt especially close. Asking a question like "Remember when we went to the water park?" will get them focused on the memory, and the distraction may give them time to get a handle on their anger.
- There's a line between joking and making fun of someone. If your best friend is crying or in pain, laughter may help or it may not.

5

Explain your feelings when you’re calm.

When you fight with your best friend, emotions are high and words may fly fast. During a quiet moment sitting down together, you are much more likely to really hear each other and reach a place of understanding. Take turns talking, and avoid interrupting when it's their turn to talk.
- Studies show your talk will be more productive if you use "I statements" such as: "I feel scared when you yell at me during arguments" or "I feel anxious when you give me the silent treatment after a fight."^{[4]
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6

Ask about what you can change.

These changes should be specific and actionable. Whether it's you or your friend that needs to change a particular behavior, talking about it is the best way to work through your trouble. You can make suggestions to each other of ways you would like to be spoken to, or tell each other about specific times when a misunderstanding got out of control.
- For example, instead of saying your friend needs to nicer to you, you might ask your friend to ask you about your feelings more often.

7

Make an agreement.

Agree on the changes you’ve decided on so you can move on. Once you've talked to your best friend, it's important to actually implement the changes that the two of you talked about if you want the dynamic to change. You can't promise you'll never fight with them again, but you can agree to hang up the phone or walk away when an argument starts.

8

Stop arguments before they start.

Take a moment to calm down and think before you respond in anger. Ask yourself if you could have possibly misunderstood, or if your best friend has a habit of lashing out when they are angry.^{[5]
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Research source} It takes two to fight, and it's okay to not engage with an angry friend.
- Even if your best friend is in the wrong, you don't have to escalate the situation by saying something mean back.
- You may accidentally blurt out things you don't mean to from time to time, but if it happens frequently, your best friend may be feeling reactionary.
- Try creating a code word that you and your friend can use when you feel like an argument is about to begin. Instead of fighting, use the code to stop the conversation.

9

Try to be kinder to your friend.

Sometimes, even people that you are close to will hide things from you. Your best friend may have worries they haven't told you about, like trouble at home or difficulty with a class. In your interactions with your best friend, try to remember that they may be going through something that is causing them to lash out or be extra sensitive right now.^{[6]
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Research source} Use gentle words, or do something nice for them just because.

10

Talk to someone impartial.

Find a third party to talk to, like another friend, a parent, or a therapist. Whether the person knows your friend or not, having an outside perspective can help you figure out why you and your best friend fight so much. Do your best to be honest, and try to outline the facts clearly. If they have advice for you, such as apologizing to your friend, or writing them a letter, consider trying it to see if it works.

11

Spend time on your own.

Solitary activities give you lots of time to think about the future of your friendship. Try to get in touch with your emotions by listening to music, reading, or going for walks in nature.

12

Make new friends.

Make an effort to meet new people by joining a team or a club. Perhaps the underlying problem is that you and your best friend have grown apart or no longer share the same interests. It's tough, but it happens, and sometimes relationships end. You may find that your relationship with your best friend has simply run its course, and you are happier overall.

13

Reconnect with your best friend in a week or so.

After time apart, try to get together with your best friend and see how you get along. You may have learned that the two of you no longer need each other, or that there was something bothering your best friend that they didn't tell you at the time.

14

Distance yourself if the friendship is toxic.

Walk away if the friendship feels abusive, one-sided, or otherwise unhealthy. Do you feel a lot safer, saner, and calmer without the presence of your best friend in your life? You may be coming to the realization that your friendship is toxic, in which case you may be feeling confused or emotionally empty.
- Write down your observations about life without your best friend. Keeping a journal of your activities during this time can be a great way to explore your feelings about your friendship and your emotional needs.