How to Start a Conversation with Someone You Don't Know over Text

Co-authored by Suzanna Mathews and Amy Bobinger

Last Updated: March 17, 2023 References

Texting someone new can feel a little tricky. You want to get to know them and show them a little about who you are, but you don't want to seem like you're trying too hard. Luckily, you don't have to overthink things. We're here with plenty of tips that will help you get a conversation going!

1

Tell them who you are the first time you text.

Include your name and how you met. You definitely don't want to spend time thinking of the perfect opening line only to get back an awkward, "Um, who is this?" It might not be the most creative lead-in, but it gives them a chance to save your number if they haven't already. Also, try not to wait too long to text them after you get their number so you'll be fresh in their memory.^{[1]
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- For instance, you might say, "Hey, this is Leah from the gym earlier!"
- Or, you could say, "Hi Jim, this is Chris from work!

2

Bring up a shared interest.

Think back to a previous conversation or look at their profile. If you were talking in person, it would feel really natural to start chatting about things you have in common. That makes it a perfect lead-in when you're texting, because it follows the natural flow of conversation. And if it's something you talked about before, it will show that you were paying attention to them the last time you were together.^{[2]
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- If their profile has a picture of them with their dog, you could say something like, "What's your dog's name? I have a lab named Max!"
- You might also say something along the lines of, "I remember you said you were into skiing. I'm going with some friends this weekend. Do you have any tips?"

3

Open with part of a story to get them interested.

Leave them wondering what you're going to say next. If you want to pull someone into a conversation, think of a hook that's going to make them want to know more. Just be sure you have a good story to follow it up, or the conversation might fizzle out once you come out with the reveal. Try saying something like:^{[3]
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- "Okay you're going to laugh at me but I have to tell you what I did..."
- "The craziest thing just happened to me!"
- "Well, my morning just took an interesting turn."
- "Please tell me you heard about..."

4

Give them a compliment.

Make the other person feel good early on. Everybody loves a well-timed compliment, so if there's something you really like about the other person, let them know! Just don't go overboard—laying it on too thick can actually backfire and make the other person feel like you're being insincere.^{[4]
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Suzanna Mathews
Dating & Relationship Coach
Expert Interview. 18 August 2021.}
- Keep it simple and sweet by saying something like, "I really enjoyed meeting you!"
- You could also say something like, "You seem really cool. We should hang out again soon!"
- Or, you could make it more specific by saying something like, "You have an awesome sense of humor. I'm still laughing at your joke about the turtle!"

5

Ask for a recommendation.

Show them you value their opinion. If you know the other person is especially good at something, ask them for advice. Not only will they be really flattered, but there's some evidence that it will actually make them think more highly of you, too.^{[5]
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Research source} Then, use that as a lead-in to chat more about the situation you're asking about.
- For instance, if you noticed that the person you're talking to is a really sharp dresser, you might send them a picture of two shirts and say, "Which one do you think I should wear to my interview?"
- If their profile says they love to cook, you could say, "I'm having friends over to grill tomorrow, do you have any awesome tips for cooking steak?"

6

Send them a funny meme or GIF.

Try starting a conversation without saying anything at all. Memes, GIFs, and emojis are all great ways to communicate what you're thinking.^{[6]
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Expert Source

Suzanna Mathews
Dating & Relationship Coach
Expert Interview. 18 August 2021.} Even better, you don't have to rack your brain for something to say. If you see something posted on social media that you think the other person would think is funny, save it and send it to them, then see if you can build on their response to keep the chat going.^{[7]
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- For instance, if you're tired after a long day, you might send a GIF of someone collapsing on the floor. If you just want to say hi, you might send a clip of someone waving.

7

Share an interesting article.

Show the other person you paid attention to their interests. As you get to know the person better, keep an eye out for news articles, videos, or press releases that they might think are cool. If you see something, text it to them with a little note, like "Have you seen this?" or "This made me think of you."^{[8]
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- If you like the same type of music, for instance, you might share a blog post where your favorite band announced a new tour.

8

Keep building on the conversation.

Try not to hop around from one topic to another. If you start chatting about something, let the conversation naturally flow in that direction for a little while. If you abruptly start talking about something else, it might feel like you're not really paying attention to what the other person is saying. If it feels like things are stalling out, though, it's fine to move on to something else.^{[9]
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- If the person is talking about their day at work, you could ask a follow-up question, or you might share something about what you did that day.

9

Ask open-ended questions.

Give them a chance to elaborate on their answer. Asking questions is a great way to get to know someone, but try to avoid questions that can simply be answered "yes" or "no." Instead, phrase your question in a way that invites the other person to explain more so they'll be more likely to open up to you.^{[10]
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- Instead of saying, "Do you like pizza?" you might say, "What's your favorite pizza topping?"
- Or, instead of saying, "Did you have a good day at work?" you could say, "What's your favorite thing about your job?"
- Similarly, try to answer questions with a full sentence instead of just a one-word answer.^{[11]
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10

Be lighthearted and fun.

Don't take yourself too seriously. Try to stay generally positive, clever, and funny when you're texting.^{[12]
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Expert Source

Suzanna Mathews
Dating & Relationship Coach
Expert Interview. 18 August 2021.} Everything doesn't have to be a joke, but if your attitude is generally upbeat, you'll be more likely to keep the other person engaged in what you're talking about.^{[13]
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- Try to avoid sarcasm—it doesn't usually translate well through text. In addition, avoid sensitive subjects like politics, religion, illness, sex, or finances. It's better to wait until you know someone better to talk about that stuff, and it's better to discuss them in person, anyway.

11

Take a break from texting if they aren't responding.

Respect the other person's time. Just because they always have their phone on them doesn't mean they have to (or can) respond to texts at all hours. If you notice that they're mostly sending one-word answers to your questions or if there are long gaps between texts, they might be busy. The best thing you can do is to busy yourself with something else for a while.^{[14]
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- If they always respond to your texts with short answers, they might not be interested in texting you. That doesn't necessarily mean they don't like you, though—some people just don't like to text, and that's okay!

Sample Questions to Ask over Text

Questions to ask a Stranger Over Text

Expert Q&A

Question

How do you talk to a beautiful woman?

Suzanna Mathews
Dating & Relationship Coach
Suzanna Mathews is a Dating and Relationship Coach and the Founder of The Date Maven. With over a decade of experience, she specializes in creating mindset tools, social strategies, and digital strategies that help her clients elevate dating and deepen connections. Suzanna holds a BA in Communications from Bethel College, North Newton, and an MA in Theater and Dramatic Arts from Wichita State University.

Suzanna Mathews

Dating & Relationship Coach

Expert Answer

Guys often want to lead with things like you're beautiful, you're gorgeous, you're pretty and any beautiful woman has probably heard that 20 times already before lunchtime. Don't be the guy that is the 21st person to tell her that she's attractive, be the guy who noticed that something just a little bit different about her and just doesn't become another cliché of, you know, yet another guy who hit on such a predictable way.