How to Handle Anxious Attachment: 9 Strategies to Self-Soothe and Cope

Free yourself from an anxious attachment style with some simple but effective routines

Written by John Keegan | Edited by Madeleine Flamiano

Last Updated: February 20, 2023 References

Are you concerned about an anxious attachment style and how it might impact your relationships? As opposed to a secure attachment style, an anxious attachment style is usually the result of childhood or relationship trauma—it often triggers you to seek continual reinforcement and reassurance from your partner. Here, we’ll teach you the practice of self-soothing whenever you feel uncomfortable or uncertain. Read our expert-backed advice to give yourself relief and move closer to a wonderful, thriving, stable connection.

This article is based on an interview with our professional dating coach, John Keegan, founder of The Awakened Lifestyle. Check out the full interview here.

Things You Should Know

Journal about your emotions to reflect on what concerns you instead of anxiously reacting to the absence of your partner.
Practice positive reframing to calm yourself down. For example, if your partner is out a lot, celebrate that they have an active social life.
Focus on your physical and emotional health to avoid becoming dependent on your significant other. Exercise, sleep well, and pursue your own hobbies.
If you didn't receive affirmation when you grew up, you might feel that you need a lot of approval from your current partner.

1

Breathe deeply.

Take deep breaths to ground yourself. Before you react to your partner being gone, take ten deep breaths. Check in with yourself and ask yourself where you're feeling your emotions—maybe your stomach feels tight or your heart is racing. To give yourself some relief, continue to inhale and exhale. Imagine a safe place, like a garden, so you can distract yourself from worrying about your partner.^{[1]
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2

Be present in the current moment.

Find ways to enjoy yourself "in the now" to combat anxiety. Appeal to your 5 senses while you "ground"—calm—yourself. For example, put on some calming music, brew some fragrant tea or hot chocolate, wrap yourself in a blanket, and sip your treat. Inhale and exhale while you comfort yourself. This exercise in mindfulness can help you associate solitude with relaxation and even fun. ^{[2]
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- When all of your 5 senses are catered to, it's a lot easier to settle down instead of ruminating on the past or worrying about the future.

3

Journal about your feelings.

Writing your emotions down can help you unpack them. When you're really anxious, everything might feel like a blur. Take out a pen and paper and reflect on what you're going through right now. Are you upset? Insecure? Afraid? What triggered—or started—your episode of anxiety? Is your partner hanging out with a friend and you're worried they're flirting? Has it been a while since you heard from your significant other? Try to connect your emotions with a situation that has evoked them. When you gain this clarity, you'll have more self-awareness about what bothers you.^{[3]
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- As you journal, pinpoint what's troubling you about your relationship. You might notice some patterns. For example, you might write: "Sometimes I worry that Katie isn't very attracted to me and will leave me for someone else. I noticed she wasn't all that romantic this week."
- Think of yourself like the sky and your emotions like the weather: feelings come and go, but you're always you. Your mood isn't permanent, and the more you acknowledge your attitude, the more you can work through it and change it.

4

Challenge negative thoughts.

Question worst case scenarios so you can expect the best. Anxious attachment might cause you to invent all types of reasons for why your partner is gone or "ignoring" you. If you notice a critical inner voice, acknowledge it, but then shut it down and remind yourself that it's all pure fiction. To debunk it, tell yourself it's just anxiety that's speaking and that it's not true.
- Negative thought: "Katie is always gone because she can't stand my company. She's eventually going to leave me. It's obvious."
- Challenging comment: "That's just a negative thought pattern that comes up due to my anxiety. It's not grounded in reality."

5

Try out positive reframing.

Practice positive reframing to change your thought patterns. Once you've realized what's troubling you, take the extra step to transform the way you think about a situation. Since imagining worst case scenarios is very likely to increase anxiety, try to lower your stress by looking at your circumstances in a new light. Be as optimistic as you possibly can. For some inspiration, check out this example of positive reframing:^{[4]
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- Negative thought: "Katie sure spends a lot of time with her friends. I guess she just doesn't need me anymore."
- Positive reframing: "Katie has a really active social life! That's so important. I'm glad that she has such a wonderful support network."

6

Prioritize your own interests.

Focus on how to take care of your own needs. When you're anxiously attached, it's easy to put your partner on a pedestal. After all, your first instincts might be to get their approval at any cost. If you notice this type of pattern, pause and seriously consider what makes you happy. Make sure you're always your #1 priority. Celebrate who you are and make time for activities that spark joy for you.^{[5]
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- Try not to make any sacrifices or compromises that benefit your partner at your expense. For example, if they don't like tennis but you do, feel free to hit the courts with a friend. It's completely fine to pursue interests on your own.
- Really reflect on what defines and fulfills you: "Ultimately, my life doesn't revolve around Katie, even though I love her. I am really active, artistic, and caring. That makes me wonderful to be around, and it's okay to take part in all my hobbies without her."

7

Get plenty of sleep.

Rest to maintain your physical and mental health. Lots of people with anxious attachment might have disrupted sleep patterns. Oftentimes, "what if?" scenarios can pop up in the middle of the night, especially if they go to bed alone. No matter what you're going through, make sure to get a solid 7-9 hours of rest. Proper sleep is important for your mental health, and everything will look better in the morning.^{[6]
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- Try little rituals that can help you get to sleep more quickly. One way to get quality rest could be to take a warm shower before bed to soothe yourself.
- If your partner can do anything to help you get better rest, advocate for your needs with a reasonable request. For example, you can say something like, "Can we have a quick 10-minute call on the nights I'm struggling to sleep?" or "Can we do a relationship check-in once a week? It helps to lower my stress."^{[7]
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8

Work out more often.

Exercise to lower your stress. Unresolved anxiety can result in pent-up emotions, like frustration or fear. Luckily, exercise is a great outlet that reduces tension and increases the levels of "feel-good" chemicals, like endorphins and serotonin. Pick up any activity that gets your blood pumping and excites you, like jogging, dancing, or weight training. Before you know it, you might really get in the zone and forget what was worrying you in the first place.^{[8]
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- Exercise also activates the parts of your brain responsible for executive functioning, so you might be able to think more clearly and logically. After a good bout of activity, you might realize something like, "I was just in my head. Of course Katie adores me. She lives with me, after all, and consistently tells me she loves me!"

9

Reach out to your support system.

Remind yourself that have other allies on your side. While it's amazing to have a partner that thinks the world of you, it's important to be surrounded by friends, too. Make sure to invest in your inner circle, which might include childhood buddies, new acquaintances, colleagues, relatives, and mentors. When you cast a wide net and speak to all the positive influences in your life, you'll realize that so many people care about you—your significant other isn't the only one!^{[9]
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- Try to make it a regular habit to check in with the people you care about. For example, text your best friend once a week, or pencil in a brunch with a group of buddies every month.
- If you need some extra help, communicate with someone whom you trust. For example, instead of just turning to your partner, ask a mentor something like, "Would you be free to look over my college applications? I want to see if the tone is right."
- Be sure to reach out for genuine connections and sincere conversation rather than using others to self-regulate and soothe your emotions.

10

Listen to and nurture your “inner child.”

Recognize your inner child’s needs to heal yourself. Oftentimes, negative childhood experiences can result in an "inner child"—a vulnerable, child-like part of yourself—that is wounded and hurt. Maybe you didn't receive enough compliments, affection, or validation from your caregivers. Be honest with what you need right now. It's completely fine to still crave closeness and safety. Voice what would make your inner child feel bright, happy, and cherished.^{[10]
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- For instance, you might say, "I feel like I always had to be responsible and never got to just let loose. I still overwork myself to make my partner happy. I really would benefit from some fun in my life. Maybe I'll catch a movie or play some video games."

11

Imagine what a secure attachment looks like.

Identify what it looks like to feel safe and valued in your relationship. If you suspect that you're anxiously attached and need continual reinforcement that your partner loves you, consider what the alternative looks like. What would it take for you to fully believe your significant other is committed to you? When you can visualize a healthy relationship, it's easier to realize that this dynamic—and a secure attachment—is possible to attain.^{[11]
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- For instance, you might point out, "In a secure relationship, I am fully aware that Katie is attracted to me, so I don't need to keep asking her what she thinks about me. We both know we're there for each other, and we spend time enjoying new experiences with each other instead of always discussing the 'status' of our connection."

12

Consider speaking to a professional.

Seek out a therapist who can help you strategize ways to cope. If you're still struggling with anxious attachment even after self-soothing, talking to friends, and trying to look on the bright side of your relationship, you may benefit from professional help. Both couples counseling and one-on-one talk therapy can help you understand your childhood programming as well as your current ways of processing situations. Ultimately, a therapist can help you learn more about yourself and devise a program to overcome relationship anxieties.^{[12]
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- Browse a directory of therapists that specialize in attachment styles so they can give you very targeted advice.