Is My Friend Toxic?

Friendships are meant to be positive and empowering—not negative and draining. If your friend tends to drag you down rather than raise you up, it might be time to take a closer look at your relationship with them.

Signs of a Toxic Friendship

• They always need to be #1. There’s nothing wrong with a little bit of friendly rivalry, but some people take the spirit of competition a little too far. These friends are constantly looking for opportunities to show off their accomplishments—and show how their achievements are better and more impressive than yours.
• They’re constantly unreliable. Everyone runs late once in awhile, but this friend takes tardiness to a whole new level. They almost never show up on time (if they even show up at all), and aren’t afraid to cancel their plans in order to do something more “fun.”
• They take far more than they give. This type of friend only hangs around when it’s convenient for them—and when they are around, the conversation always revolves around them. They’ll shoot you a text only when no one else is around, or ask to hang out only if they have nothing better to do.
• They’re really bossy. While there’s nothing wrong with speaking your mind, this friend has a little too much to say. They’ll interrupt you and butt in with their own ideas, they’ll offer unsolicited advice or opinions, and they’ll even try to tell you what you can and can’t do.
• They make you feel uncomfortable. Healthy friendships revolve around healthy boundaries—and, most importantly, respecting those boundaries. This type of friend will pressure you to do something even if you say no, or encourage you to do something that you know is wrong.
• They use you as a punchline. Playful teasing and banter are a normal part of a healthy friendship, but your friend should always be laughing with you, not at you. This friend isn’t afraid to annoy or embarrass you for the sake of a “joke”—and when you call them out, they’ll just call you “sensitive.”
• They’re insincere and not trustworthy. This type of friend is always spreading gossip (and isn’t afraid to include your name in the rumor mill). They might say something nice and supportive to your face, only to backtrack and say mean things about you to someone else. Needless to say, they aren’t very trustworthy with a secret.
• They have narcissistic tendencies. Your friend uses you as a source of their narcissistic supply (someone who gives them constant attention and admiration) without caring about your thoughts and feelings. When they don’t get this narcissistic supply from you, they’ll turn on you and move to someone else who will supply them.

What to Do Next

• Ask a different friend or loved one for their perspective. It’s sometimes hard to see the full picture when you’re stuck in an unhealthy friendship, but a neutral, uninvolved individual might be able to help. Explain what’s going on and share how your potentially toxic friend has treated you. Your neutral confidant can offer some advice and give their own take on the situation.
• Take a temporary break from the friendship. Over the next few days or weeks, space yourself out from the toxic friend in question by contacting them less and politely declining their invitations to hang out. During this break, check in with yourself and see how you feel—do you feel more refreshed and happy without this person being around? If so, they’re probably a toxic or negative force in your life.
• Talk to your toxic friend using “I” statements. “I” statements allow you to share your feelings without assigning blame to another person (“I really appreciate being heard. When I was growing up, my dad didn’t listen to me and it made me feel so bad. When you hear me and really listen, I appreciate it so much.”). In general, using “I” statements gives you a lot of freedom to discuss your feelings in an open, respectful, and non-confrontational way.
• Give your friend another chance if you think they can change. Sometimes, people don’t realize they’re being toxic until you address their behavior. If your friend seems genuinely apologetic and willing to change, it might be worth giving them a second chance.
• Let the friendship fade on its own if you doubt anything will change. Don’t go out of your way to hang out with them, and avoid texting them and interacting with them on social media. In the meantime, focus on spending more time with friends who value you and treat you with respect.
• End the friendship quietly. If the friendship is not working, it is acceptable to quietly move away without saying anything to them. If the person asks (which most likely won’t happen), you can decide if you’d like to explain your feelings candidly. In this scenario, you might say “I really don’t think we’re compatible as friends, and I don’t think we should hang out as much.”