Top Warning Signs That Your Friend is Toxic

Co-authored by Jin S. Kim, MA and Hannah Madden

Last Updated: June 22, 2022

Friends can bring comfort, joy, and happiness into your life when they’re there for the right reasons. But bad friends can do the opposite, bringing stress and anxiety with them everywhere they go. If you think you might have a toxic friend, read through these common signs to figure it out for certain.

1

Everything is about them.

Even the most random, neutral topics become about your friend. You can test this by bringing up something that has nothing to do with either of you. If your friend somehow turns the conversation back toward themselves, they might not be a great person to hang around.^{[1]
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- They might also latch onto your experiences and talk about themselves. For example, if you’re expressing that you’re having a tough time because your mom is in the hospital, your friend might start talking about how they’re having a hard time because they failed a math test.

2

They compare you negatively to their other friends.

They might tell you how much funnier or smarter their other friend is. Maybe they have more in common with each other or hang out together more often. If you feel like you’re in a competition to be the best friend you can be, it’s a sign that your relationship isn’t the best.^{[2]
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- It’s totally fine to talk about your other friends with each other. However, when it becomes a way to brag about other people in your life, it can get a little strained.

3

They try to change you into someone you're not.

It could be your fashion sense, your humor, or your personality. Your friend might tell you that you’d be perfect if it weren’t for this one thing. A good friend will accept you for who you are, and you shouldn’t have to change yourself for anyone.^{[3]
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- Your friend will also probably never recognize their own shortcomings.

4

They constantly criticize you.

And not in a helpful way, either. While it’s fine for friends to offer some constructive feedback every now and then, constantly blurting out hurtful things is pretty toxic. If you find yourself being hurt or offended often, there’s a good chance your friendship isn’t working.^{[4]
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- You also might feel like you can’t criticize them at all, which shows an imbalance within the friendship.
- A healthy friendship is one where both people have respect for each other and their boundaries. If you feel that your friend regularly disregards your boundaries, or makes you engage in activities or situations that you don’t feel comfortable in, it may be time to evaluate that friendship.

5

They intentionally leave you out of plans.

They make sure you know about them, too. They might try to make you feel jealous or angry about the fact that they left you out. If they send you pics of a fun party or a beach day that they didn’t invite you to, they’re probably trying to get a rise out of you.^{[5]
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- They might also make plans with your mutual friends and leave you out of them.

6

You’re walking on eggshells around them.

Do you feel like you have to stay on their good side? If you say or do something “wrong,” are they going to get mad? Watching your words and agonizing over saying the right things are big signs that the friendship is toxic.^{[6]
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- This can happen slowly, too. In the beginning, your friend might be more carefree. As the relationship progresses, you’ll see them get more and more controlling.

7

They demand all of your time.

They probably don’t want you to hang out with anyone else. They might call or text you at all hours of the day just to chat. If you’re feeling smothered or like you don’t have a life outside of their friendship, it’s time to take a step back.^{[7]
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- The reverse can also be true: if you feel like you’re constantly the one to reach out and make plans, it might not be a great friendship.
- A balanced relationship should be the aspirational goal, and both parties should feel they are reaching out and contributing to the friendship.

8

You feel tired or emotionally drained around them.

Your body will let you know when someone’s not good for you. When you two hang out, you might feel irritable, anxious, or exhausted. You could also get physical symptoms like stomach cramps or headaches, too.^{[8]
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- Signs like these often point to a lot of stress.

Expert Q&A

Question

Why is it hard to end a toxic friendship?

Jin S. Kim, MA
Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist
Jin Kim is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist based out of Los Angeles, California. Jin specializes in working with LGBTQ individuals, people of color, and those that may have challenges related to reconciling multiple and intersectional identities. Jin received his Masters in Clinical Psychology from Antioch University Los Angeles, with a specialization in LGBT-Affirming Psychology, in 2015.

Jin S. Kim, MA

Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist

Expert Answer

Well, ending any relationship is uncomfortable and hard, even when it is necessary. Once a relationship has been identified as toxic, it is imperative to end it in order to protect yourself. Do not simply cut out the other person, though. Have a frank discussion and express your feelings respectfully before ending it.