How to Make Her Love You

Co-authored by Moshe Ratson, MFT, PCC

Last Updated: November 25, 2022 References Approved

If you want a specific woman to love you, there are steps you can take to increase the chances she will. Love is an emotion that is tough to force. It's either there, or it's not, and it's hard to create chemistry. That being said, there are some things you can do that will make it more likely she will love you.

Method 1

Method 1 of 3:

Learning How Women Think

1
Realize that women think differently. We all know this. But to make a woman love you, you need to understand how women process information. It's probably different than you do.
- There is a reason women like to talk. Women's brains are wired to be more verbal. Girls learn to speak earlier and are good at learning foreign languages, research has found. Although you don't need to fill every second with words, just be aware that women like it when men process feelings through words. Try to be a good conversationalist - especially if she's angry. When men shut down during arguments and go silent, it drives women crazy.
- Write her a love note. Remember, women love communication and words. Become the master of the text message.
- If she asks you about your day, don't just say it was fine. If she asks you how she looks in that new dress, don't just say she looks fine. Give her some details and back up your answer, and she will feel close to you.
2
Figure out her attachment style. Women have different attachment styles. Understanding hers will help you appeal to her.
- Secure. A woman with a secure attachment style is confident, and she isn't going to be too clingy (or want you to be). She won't be calling repeatedly or waiting outside your apartment for you to get home. Ideally, this is the kind of attachment style you want a woman to have. If this is your woman, you should show her that you're secure also. She won't have much tolerance for insecurity.
- Anxious. Women with anxious attachment styles are insecure and likely to want a relationship to proceed very fast. They need a lot of reassurance, so give it to them.
- Dismissive. This kind of woman will fight her attraction to you because she prides herself in her independence and feels smothered by a relationship. You will have to be persistent and make sure you also give her space.
- Fearful. Women with fearful attachment styles are those who have gone through some kind of relationship trauma. You should go slow and demonstrate that you understand what she has been through. ^{[1]
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3
Compliment her.^{[2]
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Expert Source

Moshe Ratson, MFT, PCC
Marriage & Family Therapist
Expert Interview. 7 August 2019.} Women like to feel unique, and the female brain responds positively to flattery. Women can never get enough compliments.
- Tell her she has pretty eyes. If you pull out a single trait, it tells her you really mean it.
- Compliment her intellect. Women are used to their looks being talked about, but she also wants to feel valued for her mind. This will tell her you aren't just interested in her physically.
- Always tell her she looks good in an outfit, even if she looks awful. It's just not worth it.
4
Win over her friends. If their friends like a guy, a woman is more likely to think he's something special too.
- Never, ever flirt with her friends. It will get you banished. ^{[3]
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- Let her friends know how much you like her. They are probably protective of her and wary that she could get hurt. If you reassure them that you really are into her, they will like you more (and probably tell her besides).
5
Realize her brain goes in tangents. Men tend to focus on one task at a time, but women's brains are wired to think about many things at once. She will get annoyed if she wants to talk about one thing, but you're still focused on another. ^{[4]
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- An example of this would be if you are watching a basketball game, and she brings up another topic. If you ignore her or say little back, she will be frustrated.
- Women speak in "hint" language. They will often ask questions that are really nudges for you to get a point. Learn how to perceive what a woman is hinting. For example, if she says, "It's cold in here, don't you think?" she probably wants you to turn the thermostat up for her, not just answer "yes."
- Women are intuitive thinkers, so if you compliment her intuition, she will appreciate it. They also like to over analyze relationships. Indulge her in this.^{[5]
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Method 2

Method 2 of 3:

Learning what Women Like

1
Don't chase her too much. It's a cliche, but it's true. People like to be the hunter, not the hunted. If you chase a woman too soon and too fast, she may think you are desperate and less of a catch. So, let her know you're interested - but not too much, at least at first.
- Don't show too much immediate attraction. If you don't know for sure that she likes you, you do not want to scare her away by confessing your "love." End the date first. End texting first. End phone conversations first. ^{[6]
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- Don't overdo this one, though. You also need to give her some encouragement or she might give up or get too insecure. Just don't always chase. For example, you should let her be the person to ask whether the relationship is exclusive.
- If you are unpredictable, this will give you more control in the dynamic. For example, sometimes don't respond for three days. Then, respond right away. Most people actually find mixed signals alluring.
- Don't drop every commitment to be with her. Women are attracted to men who have other things going on in their lives, like careers. Similarly, have a hobby. If she sees you have a passion outside of her, she will find you interesting and exciting. But don't always put other things ahead of her either. As with everything, it's all about balance. ^{[7]
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2
Avoid the friend zone. If you find yourself squarely in the friend zone, you are probably going to end up stuck there forever. At least, it's more likely. Women tend to divide romantic interests into two categories: People they would date. People they only see as friends.
- Not always being available will also help you stay out of the friend zone. ^{[8]
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- Don't be too comedic, goofy, or self-deprecating. If you act like the class clown, there is a better chance she will friend zone you. ^{[9]
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- Absolutely refuse to listen to her talk about another guy she likes. That will put you in the friend zone for sure. Tell her you like her yourself, so you can't be the shoulder to cry on.
- Don't go too long before making a move. If you wait weeks to kiss her, she might think you only see her as a friend.
3
Touch her. Show her your lovable side. Hug her, tell her how you really feel sometimes, and so on. No girl can deny a guy who opens up to her and tells her how he truly feels if you're sweet about it.
- Cuddling with her a lot has an extra benefit. Research shows that cuddling (and sex) release a chemical called Oxytocin into women's bodies. This chemical helps break down emotional barriers and creates a feeling of attachment in women because it is associated with pleasure. ^{[10]
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- Show emotion in bed. It's important to women that you don't make them feel you're just interested in them sexually. But don't be afraid to take charge and show her a great time! Hold her after the act is done. Stroke her hair and face.
- Offer her your jacket if it's cold outside. Hold her hand when you're walking. Women love these kinds of lovable actions. ^{[11]
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4
Be sentimental.^{[12]
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Expert Source

Moshe Ratson, MFT, PCC
Marriage & Family Therapist
Expert Interview. 7 August 2019.} Women love to feel special and unique, above all others. So if you show a sentimental streak, she will love it, as long as you don't overdo it.
- Put a photo of her somewhere she will find it. Women like to know you think they're special. They also might look through your things at some point. This is wrong, but it happens.
- You could put a photo of her in your wallet or use it as your screen saver on your cell phone. When she sees it, she will be flattered (as long as it's not too soon in the relationship. Wait until you're exclusive).
- Put a photo of her by your bed on your nightstand. This will make her feel more confident that you aren't cheating.
- Mention a specific song that was playing when you met or around the time you met, and tell her that it's your song together. Then, give her a CD with it for a gift.
- Speak a lot about the details of when your relationship began. These will be positive details, and it will matter to her that you remember them. Don't forget anniversaries, how you met, the first conversation you had, and so on.
5
Take care of her. Although women may have their own career and value their independence, there is a little piece, at least, inside most of them that appreciates a protector. Again, everything must be done in balance. You don't want to become excessively controlling.
- Create a scenario where she realizes you're the one she can rely on. If her car breaks down, be there for her. If she can't fix something, offer to come over and do it. Be the guy she depends on.
- Open doors, including car doors. Women love a gallant streak. Respect her. Your attitude and your actions should demonstrate to her that you have nothing but the utmost of respect for her. Don't be more than 30 minutes late. It shows her that you're indifferent to her.
- If she's staying out of town at a hotel, prepare for room service or a bottle of wine to be sent to her room or order flowers.
- If you live together or are married, do some of the housekeeping to give her a break. If you are single and don't live together, do your own housekeeping. If your apartment is a complete pig sty, she will know that's what she has to look forward to down the road.
6
Show confidence, and really feel it.^{[13]
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Moshe Ratson, MFT, PCC
Marriage & Family Therapist
Expert Interview. 7 August 2019.} If you are a mess, it's going to be harder to get her to fall in love with you. Women (and men) are attracted to confidence.
- If you hate your job, change it. If you hate your weight, lose it. If you hate yourself, seek counseling. You need to be centered in who you are - and happy about it - to attract a secure person.
- It's really true that you need self-love to be loved. ^{[14]
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- If you don't feel confident, fake it. People will perceive you are confident, they will react more positively to you, and then you will feel more confident. See how easy that is?!
- Don't mistake arrogance for confidence. Talk about her, not yourself. Ask her questions about her job, her day, and her family. Don't just bombard her endlessly with conversation about yourself or your interests.
- Although you should not chase her too hard in the beginning of a relationship, you should make the first move. Men who make the first move are perceived as confident by women. ^{[15]
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Method 3

Method 3 of 3:

Figuring out what Turns Women off

1
Don't give up all the power. This doesn't mean you should become a scary control freak. It's a balance. But if you give up all of the power, she will be less likely to respect you.
- When taking her out - as friends or if you've worked up the nerve to ask her out on an official date - take the lead. Choose the place, offer to pay for the meal, but be sure it's all within reason. Choose some place you know that you will both have fun (if you're trying to earn her love, you'd probably get brownie points for going to someplace you know that she likes, even if it means a little suffering on your behalf).
- Don't be available every time she asks.
- Don't be jealous. You talk to other people. There's no bigger turn off to a girl than the guy she's interested in becoming all clingy and controlling. A little jealousy is cute, but don't overdue it with questions such as "Who was that? Are you into him? How do you know him?"
- Never, ever beg. If she says she doesn't want to date you, she's not going to want to date you more if you plead. Instead, act disinterested. It will increase the chances she will change her mind.
2
Don't talk about exes. Women can't stand it when a guy talks about a past girlfriend too much because they want to feel unique. So avoid it at all costs.
- If she asks you about why you broke up with a past girlfriend, just say "because she wasn't you." Women will over-analyze detailed answers, so don't go there. And definitely don't bring up exes on your own.
- If you run into the ex, make sure to introduce your girlfriend and move on quickly.
3
Treat others well. Women notice when a man doesn't treat other people well. They are likely to be turned off by displays of obnoxiousness.
- Talk kindly to your server at restaurants, and leave a decent tip.
- Never let her see you angry (unless it's about someone who has mistreated her). Woman are frightened by male anger (so resist the road rage and don't get in a fight in the bar.)
- Speak respectfully of your parents and all past relationships. Even if your past relationship was a nightmare, don't go into a negative rant about it. Don't talk about it a lot, but don't talk negatively about past exes when the subject does come up.
4
Don't be unfaithful. For many women, being unfaithful is a deal-breaker. And women may define faithfulness as emotional cheating, not just physical.
- Don't flirt with other women when you are around her, and don't talk too much about other women, including people at work, or she will get suspicious.
- Watch conversations on social media and texting. Always consider how she would react if she had access to your phone or computer. For that matter, let her have your passwords or see your phone if she asks. There's nothing bad on it, right?
- Don't cheat and lie about it. Just don't be unfaithful, period. If you can't be faithful to her, you can hardly expect her to love you.

Expert Q&A

Question

How can I win a girl's heart?

Moshe Ratson, MFT, PCC
Marriage & Family Therapist
Moshe Ratson is the Executive Director of spiral2grow Marriage & Family Therapy, a coaching and therapy clinic in New York City. Moshe is an International Coach Federation accredited Professional Certified Coach (PCC). He received his MS in Marriage and Family Therapy from Iona College. Moshe is a clinical member of the American Association of Marriage and Family Therapy (AAMFT), and a member of the International Coach Federation (ICF).

Moshe Ratson, MFT, PCC

Marriage & Family Therapist

Expert Answer

Act confident around her to show her that you're authentic. Be careful not to act arrogant though, since that could be a turnoff.
Question

What can I say to a girl to make her like me?

Moshe Ratson, MFT, PCC
Marriage & Family Therapist
Moshe Ratson is the Executive Director of spiral2grow Marriage & Family Therapy, a coaching and therapy clinic in New York City. Moshe is an International Coach Federation accredited Professional Certified Coach (PCC). He received his MS in Marriage and Family Therapy from Iona College. Moshe is a clinical member of the American Association of Marriage and Family Therapy (AAMFT), and a member of the International Coach Federation (ICF).

Moshe Ratson, MFT, PCC

Marriage & Family Therapist

Expert Answer

Try offering her a compliment to let her know that you're interested in her.
Question

Is it good for a girl to tell me that she has a boyfriend but she needs me?

Community Answer

No. She's probably just using you - for comfort, for attention, etc. She already has a boyfriend, and you shouldn't try to get in the middle of her relationship. Just stay away from her.

Warnings

You can't force someone to love you. If you keep trying and the answer is always no, it may be time to move on.

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If it doesn't work out, don't be discouraged. You will find someone else!

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