How to Love a Man Unconditionally

Co-authored by Tara Vossenkemper, PhD, LPC and Amber Crain

Last Updated: November 15, 2021 References

Loving unconditionally means forgiving your partner when he makes a mistake, being there for him when the chips are down, and creating a safe space for him to share his feelings and opinions without being judged. It's a complete form of love and a beautiful gift. That said, unconditional love isn't a free pass for bad behavior; you can love unconditionally and still have expectations and boundaries in a relationship. If you're ready learn to more about showing your man unconditional love, read on.

1

Accept his imperfections and quirks.

Expecting perfection from your partner just isn’t realistic. Your SO probably has at least a few annoying or weird habits—we all do—and that’s okay! The key is not letting those minor annoyances affect your feelings or how you treat him. Don't try to change him or give him a hard time about the little things. At the end of the day, those things really don’t matter.^{[1]
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- For example, his habit of leaving the toilet seat up was cute—at first. Now it drives you up the wall! Is it worth getting angry about, though? Probably not.
- Unconditional love means loving that person no matter what they do and say. Sometimes, that means you have to let go of things and choose love, instead.^{[2]
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  Expert Source
  
  Tara Vossenkemper, PhD, LPC
  Licensed Professional Counselor
  Expert Interview. 27 October 2021.}

2

Give him the benefit of the doubt.

If he makes a mistake, trust that he didn’t do it intentionally to hurt you. Everyone makes mistakes sometimes—it’s inevitable that your partner will eventually mess up in some way. If he’s never done anything to break your trust in the past, try to give him the benefit of the doubt when he makes a mistake. Be confident that he has your back and don’t question his intentions unless he gives you a reason to.^{[3]
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- Giving him the benefit of the doubt does not mean blindly trusting him no matter what. If you catch him in a lie or find out that he’s betrayed you, you have reasonable grounds to doubt him.^{[4]
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3

Resolve conflict respectfully and fairly.

Conflict is inevitable and the key to overcoming it is compromise. Meet each other in the middle to solve any problems that arise in your relationship. Also, remember that give and take is important: it shouldn’t be you always sacrificing your wants/needs for the sake of his. Try to resolve problems as quickly as possible; don’t let them fester.^{[5]
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HelpGuide
Nonprofit organization dedicated to providing free, evidence-based mental health and wellness resources.
Go to source} Here are a few other tips for dealing with conflict in a healthy way:
- Let go of the need to be right or win every argument
- Focus on the issue at hand and avoid bringing up the past
- Use “I” statements to explain how you feel so he doesn’t feel judged or attacked
- Take a break if an argument gets heated
- Try to look at each conflict as a learning experience

4

Be willing to forgive and move on.

Make an effort to leave past conflicts behind you. It's understandable to be upset after a big fight, even if you've talked it through and made up. Conflict isn't fully resolved until you're able to offer your partner real forgiveness, though. Do your best to let arguments and disagreements go. Try to avoid holding grudges and bringing up past issues.^{[6]
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HelpGuide
Nonprofit organization dedicated to providing free, evidence-based mental health and wellness resources.
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- Loving your significant other unconditionally doesn't mean you have to immediately forgive him if he violated your trust or hurt your feelings. Forgiveness can take time and that's okay.

5

Support him through thick and thin.

Be prepared to see him at his best—and his worst. There are going to be ups and downs in life and in your relationship. If your man is struggling or having a hard time with something, it’s normal for his behavior to change a bit because everyone copes with stress differently. Try to be as empathetic and supportive as possible.^{[7]
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HelpGuide
Nonprofit organization dedicated to providing free, evidence-based mental health and wellness resources.
Go to source}
- For example, if your partner loses his job, his self-esteem might take a hit. Make it a point to remind him how talented and capable he is. You might also offer to help him touch up his resume, lend a sympathetic ear when he needs to vent, and cheer him on as he looks for a new job.
- If someone he loves passes away, he may need your support as he works through his grief. Everyone copes with loss and grief differently, so don't be afraid to ask what he needs. Keep in mind that it's normal for his moods to fluctuate and he may not act like "himself" for a while (and that's okay).

6

Give him space to pursue his interests and goals.

Support his hobbies and friendships outside of your relationship. You don't need to do everything together to have a healthy relationship. In fact, it’s actually much healthier if you both maintain a few separate interests and have lives outside of each other. Give your partner freedom to pursue his passions, hobbies, and friendships. Support his dreams and encourage his outside interests.^{[8]
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- For example, if he travels to sports car conventions with his buddies a lot, you may not see the appeal of this and feel a bit jealous. Instead of thinking his friends are taking him away from you, remind yourself that you want your man to have a fun and fulfilling life; his friends are helping him do that. And if you're not interested in cars, they're actually doing you a favor!

7

Be open to change so you can grow together.

Change is inevitable and embracing it together makes you stronger. It's easy to feel uncomfortable when things change in life and in your relationship, but change is natural. All things change over time and change creates growth. In times of change, try to work on being more flexible. Instead of letting change drive a wedge between you, embrace it together so you can grow alongside each other.^{[9]
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Nonprofit organization dedicated to providing free, evidence-based mental health and wellness resources.
Go to source}
- For example, if your partner gets a new job that requires him to travel one weekend a month, you might be worried that you'll grow apart or he'll meet someone else. However, this new job comes with a big raise and he's extremely excited about it. Instead of being sullen, plan something fun to celebrate his new position and tell him how proud you are of him.

8

Ask questions about his thoughts and feelings.

This shows him that you care and value what he has to say. Be sure to ask him open-ended questions that can't be answered with a simple "yes" or "no" so he's actively engaged in the conversation. Try to mix up the types of questions you ask so you're including super simple questions and deeper, more meaningful questions.^{[10]
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Research source} You might ask questions like:
- "How are you feeling today?"
- "What was the best thing that happened to you today?"
- "What made you smile today?"
- "How are you feeling about Madison starting college next month?"
- "What do you think about the film we watched last night?"
- "If we could go on a dream vacation, what destination would you pick?"

9

Be a good listener.

Give him a chance to speak his mind so he feels understood. Being a good listener involves more than just hearing him speak and nodding along. Really listen to what he’s saying, how he’s saying it, and ask follow-up questions. Be curious about his perspective and encourage him to share it with you.^{[11]
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Nonprofit organization dedicated to providing free, evidence-based mental health and wellness resources.
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- After he shares with you, say something validating to show him you understand. For example, “I completely understand why you're frustrated with your situation at work.”
- To have a truly balanced and healthy relationship, his preferences and opinions should never dominate conversations. Ideally, he will put in the same effort when it comes to listening and hearing you out.^{[12]
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10

Set healthy boundaries.

Healthy boundaries are a sign of security and respect in a relationship. Setting boundaries based on your physical, mental, and emotional needs doesn’t mean your love for your partner is conditional.^{[13]
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Expert Source

Tara Vossenkemper, PhD, LPC
Licensed Professional Counselor
Expert Interview. 27 October 2021.} Both of you should feel comfortable setting and sharing any boundaries you have with each other.^{[14]
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Research source} Here are a few examples:
- The types of PDA you're comfortable/uncomfortable with. For example, "Mick, I love holding hands and hugging in public, but kissing makes me uncomfortable."
- Daily communication preferences. For instance, "I'm totally cool with texting each other throughout the day, but multiple times per hour is too much."
- Your financial needs, concerns, and limitations. You might say, "Alejandro, I love you and support you no matter what. Now that we’ve bought the house, though, we can’t spend money like we used to. Your hobbies will have to take a backseat for a while until we get caught up."
- Handling disagreements respectfully. You could say, "Darren, I love you, but I cannot allow you to talk to me like that. Can you lower your voice?"

11

Spend quality time together regularly.

Prioritize face-to-face interaction even when you have a lot going on. When a relationship is brand new, it’s easy to make time for each other. After you’ve been together for a while, though, it takes a little more effort. You don’t need to set aside your work, kids, or other obligations, of course! Just be sure to carve out time for each other regularly.^{[15]
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Trustworthy Source
HelpGuide
Nonprofit organization dedicated to providing free, evidence-based mental health and wellness resources.
Go to source} For example:
- Start a ritual of chatting over coffee every morning.
- Spend time connecting over a shared hobby once a week.
- Make it a point to try new things together (even eating at a new restaurant together can be a bonding experience).

12

Emphasize balance and equality.

Your needs are important, too. A strong relationship is built on fairness and equal give-and-take. If you're always sacrificing your own needs so that his needs are met, you'll probably end up growing resentful and angry over time. Be sure to communicate your needs clearly so there's an equal balance in your relationship.^{[16]
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Expert Source

Tara Vossenkemper, PhD, LPC
Licensed Professional Counselor
Expert Interview. 27 October 2021.}^{[17]
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Trustworthy Source
HelpGuide
Nonprofit organization dedicated to providing free, evidence-based mental health and wellness resources.
Go to source} A few examples:
- Dividing up housework and chores equally.
- Taking turns deciding where to go and what to do on dates.
- Spending equal time with your friends and his friends.
- Being willing to split or alternate the cost of dates.

Expert Q&A

Question

Can you love your partner unconditionally?

Tara Vossenkemper, PhD, LPC
Licensed Professional Counselor
Dr. Tara Vossenkemper is a Licensed Professional Counselor and the Founder and Managing Director of The Counseling Hub, LLC, a group counseling practice located in Columbia, Missouri. She is also the Founder of and a Business Consultant with Tara Vossenkemper Consulting, LLC, a consulting service for therapy practice owners. With over nine years of experience, she specializes in using the Gottman Method of relationship therapy with couples on the brink of divorce, who have conflict, or who feel disconnected from one another. Dr. Vossenkemper holds a BA in Psychology from The University of Missouri, Saint Louis, an MA in Counseling from Missouri Baptist University, and a PhD in Counselor Education and Supervision from The University of Missouri, Saint Louis. She has also completed Level 3 training in the Gottman Method Couples Therapy approach and has been formally trained in both the Prepare-Enrich Premarital Couples Counseling approach and the PREP Approach for couples counseling.

Tara Vossenkemper, PhD, LPC

Licensed Professional Counselor

Expert Answer

Definitely! What matters most is that you can actively love your partner without sacrificing your identity in the process.