How to Love Your Enemies

Last Updated: November 29, 2022 References

One of the great moral commands of the Bible says that you should "love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you" (Matthew 5:44). The greater context behind this command is to become closer to God, who "causes His sun to rise on the good and the evil."^{[1]
X
Research source} But how do you translate this command into your everyday life? Showing compassion and forgiveness towards your enemies can have enormous benefits not just for them, but for yourself.

Part 1

Part 1 of 3:

Forgiving Your Enemies

1
Think about what made you enemies. This might be a painful set of memories to relive, but it is necessary to consider them in order to change your thinking. What role did you play in your rift? How long have you had bad blood between you?^{[2]
X
Research source}
- Remembering these things will help you to eventually make peace with your enemies.
2
Have reasonable expectations. When you hear the phrase "love your enemies," this doesn't mean you have to love them in the same way you love your friends or family, but you should be able to love them as your equal, in the same way the Bible verse suggests that God gives His goodness equally to everyone.^{[3]
X
Research source}
- Understand if you need more time. If your enemy has hurt you very deeply -- such as a friend who had an affair with your spouse or a co-worker who has sabotaged a professional opportunity for you -- then it might take a lot of time before you can try to forgive them.^{[4]
  X
  Trustworthy Source
  Mayo Clinic
  Educational website from one of the world's leading hospitals
  Go to source}
Advertisement
3
Accept that you won't get an apology. You might believe that in order to truly forgive your enemies, they will have to apologize for their wrongs against you. But this gives your enemy a large amount of power. Realize that forgiveness and loving your enemy is more about benefiting yourself than them.^{[5]
X
Research source}
4
Learn the health benefits of forgiveness. When you forgive someone, you can experience things such as lower blood pressure, improved symptoms if you suffer from anxiety or depression, and even a boost in your immune system.^{[6]
X
Trustworthy Source
Mayo Clinic
Educational website from one of the world's leading hospitals
Go to source}
- Letting go of bitterness can also have enormous benefits for your mental well being, giving you higher self-esteem and improving your psychological welfare.^{[7]
  X
  Trustworthy Source
  Mayo Clinic
  Educational website from one of the world's leading hospitals
  Go to source}
5
Make forgiveness a choice. Every time you feel yourself thinking bitter or resentful thoughts towards your enemy, stop yourself and think about something positive instead. Think about how you have grown from your experiences with your enemy instead of how angry you still are with them.^{[8]
X
Trustworthy Source
Mayo Clinic
Educational website from one of the world's leading hospitals
Go to source}
- Remember that when you indulge in resentful thoughts toward your enemy, you keep yourself in the position of a victim. You continue to allow them to have power over your thoughts. If you can't love them at first, then try to at least ignore them or think of them in a neutral light.^{[9]
  X
  Trustworthy Source
  Mayo Clinic
  Educational website from one of the world's leading hospitals
  Go to source}

Part 2

Part 2 of 3:

Showing Compassion to Your Enemy

1
Express empathy for your enemy. Although you may have been hurt by them in the past, try to see the world through their perspective. What kinds of past experiences may have shaped their behavior? Are they going through something that you don't know about?^{[10]
X
Trustworthy Source
Mayo Clinic
Educational website from one of the world's leading hospitals
Go to source}
2
Recognize your own faults. Think of times that you have said something hurtful or inappropriate. Would you want forgiveness in a similar situation?^{[11]
X
Trustworthy Source
Mayo Clinic
Educational website from one of the world's leading hospitals
Go to source}
- When have you been forgiven in the past? How did that person express their sense of empathy or compassion toward you?
3
Keep track of your thoughts. If you find yourself becoming resentful, write down your feelings in a journal or meditation book. If you are religious, you might consider praying out loud so you can hear your thoughts clearly.^{[12]
X
Trustworthy Source
Mayo Clinic
Educational website from one of the world's leading hospitals
Go to source}
4
Reconsider your relationship with your enemy. If your enemy is someone who you must spend every day with (like a co-worker), then try to view every interaction you have with them as an opportunity to mend the rift between you. Be kind and patient with them and express an interest in the developments in their life.
- If you are not interested in reconciling with your enemy, then at least try to look at your interactions as a way to maintain a basic level of respect with them. Be courteous in you interactions with them -- greet them when you see them and congratulate them when they have major milestones.^{[13]
  X
  Research source}

Part 3

Part 3 of 3:

Finding New Allies

1
Volunteer for a cause. If you have suffered a major trauma, such as the murder of a family member, you might find it easier to find peace by volunteering for a bigger cause, such as victim advocacy groups.
- This experience will also connect you to other people who have been hurt in similar ways. It will give you a community you can turn to for support.^{[14]
  X
  Research source}
2
Cultivate healthy friendships. Sometimes, the best way to love your enemy is to focus your energy on more positive relationships. If there is someone you've wanted to get to know better, ask them out for a cup of coffee or to get a drink after work.^{[15]
X
Research source}
- You can also join groups and meet people who share similar interests to you, like hiking groups, photography clubs or writing workshops. Search for groups that meet in your local community centers, libraries or universities.
3
Take advantage of counseling. If you find yourself having trouble trusting new friends, seeking counseling from a therapist to help you develop trust and learn how to heal from a betrayal.^{[16]
X
Trustworthy Source
Mayo Clinic
Educational website from one of the world's leading hospitals
Go to source}
- A therapist can also give you strategies for navigating the process of forgiveness and moving on from the pain of your interactions with your enemy.

Community Q&A

Question

What if your enemy does not care or never listens?

Community Answer

That's probably part of why they're an enemy. Let them be. It's good that you try, but you simply can't get along with everyone. If someone consistently treats you poorly or just doesn't care, it's best to simply keep your distance.