How to Know when to Let Go

Co-authored by Guy Reichard

Last Updated: November 25, 2021 References

Letting go of someone you love can be very difficult. Change can be hard, especially when it means letting go of someone you've loved or cared about deeply. However, once you realize it is time to let go, you can begin to salvage the situation and work towards making a new beginning and possibly a new you!

Method 1

Method 1 of 2:

Assessing Yourself

1
Give yourself a reality check. Sadly, most of the time people do know they need to let go, but are unable to because they are afraid of the consequences. Reality checks can help you realize it is time to leave a broken relationship. ^{[1]
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- To do a reality check, try imagining that you are someone else observing your situation. What does this person think about the situation? Is the answer obvious to him? If so, then you probably know what you need to do.
- If you are having trouble removing yourself from the situation and observing it as a stranger would try changing the names of the characters involved in your story. Change your name from your real name to someone else. Also, change some minor characteristics about yourself to make "you" less "you-like". The point is to try to create superficial distance between yourself and this other character "yourself". Do the same thing for the person you are trying to distance yourself from.
- Or, imagine a similar scenario like the one that you're in was happening to your friend and his partner. What advice would you give? Would you tell him it was time to move on?
2
Get perspective from others. Grab a friend (or a parent/counselor if you are comfortable). Ask him what he would do in your situation and if he has ever been in a similar situation in the past.
- Be sure to be sincere with him that you will not judge him for his answer, that you are seeking the truth of the matter and do not just want to feel better about yourself.
- Ask him whether he honestly thinks what you are thinking of doing is warranted. Ask him whether you have had a part to play in the relationship turning sour.
- To find a therapist near you, try this website: http://locator.apa.org/
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3
Analyze the situation. Write your feelings down in a diary where you pour your thoughts out. Know that you and only you will read this diary, so you should be perfectly honest in it. Look for patterns in what you write. Do you find yourself blaming yourself a lot? If so, ask yourself whether there is any real merit to your self-blame or whether your partner has a bigger role to play.
- You can ask yourself some specific questions in your diary that may help you clarify whether it is time to leave. Is your partner constantly making it clear that he fears commitment or does he threaten to end the relationship as a power play? Is your partner envious of your successes rather than excited for you? Is your partner cheating on you? Do you and your partner require very different amounts of intimacy? If you have written down and thought about these questions and answered yes to any of them, this is a sign that it is time to move on. Journaling about your relationship can also help you to cope with your breakup should you go that route.^{[2]
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- After you write down your thoughts and go over them, take a few steps back and re-visit them the next day with a fresh set of eyes. If the same pattern is popping out, it is more likely to be true.
4
Know when you are sabotaging yourself over an ideal. For example, if you want perfection in your relationship and are not willing to settle for anything less, you are probably the one with the problem, not your partner. In this case, you should try to think about how you might change to make the relationship work.
- Be honest with your partner and let him know that you are struggling with having unfair ideals and that you want to work to make the relationship work. Perhaps he will respect your openness and honesty and will be that much more willing to try harder to meet you half way.
- To find out whether you may be sabotaging yourself over an idea, ask unbiased friends, family, or acquaintances for advice. Let these people weigh in on whether you are being unrealistic or whether your views about the relationship or your partner's "faults" have merit.
- You can also ask yourself the following^{[3]
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- Do you hold the (unrealistic) expectation that you should be given sexual satisfaction whenever you feel like you need it?
- Do you hold the (unrealistic) expectation that your partner should meet your every demand?
- Do you expect your partner to meet every one of your needs?
5
Realize that a lack of caring is a red flag. If you find yourself not wanting to spend time with your partner or don't really care to know about his day, or you no longer respect his opinion, then you are probably falling out of love. These signals may be signs that it is time to let go. ^{[4]
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- Although it can be difficult to let someone go, don't let yourself be wracked by guilt; it is better to let him find someone who will truly love him and care for him than to stay with him out of guilt.

Method 2

Method 2 of 2:

Assessing Your Relationship

1
Look for signs. The indicators may vary, but a few red flags may suggest to you that it is time to let go and end the relationship. Be on the lookout for consistent patterns of jealousy, insecurity, arguing, boredom, and general discomfort or unhappiness.^{[5]
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- These can all be red flags that indicate an unhealthy relationship. Some arguing is normal and healthy, but there is a fine line between it being okay, and it being not okay.
2
Watch for constant fighting. If you always fight for stupid reasons, it might be that the person is no longer attracted to you and/or feels little towards you. This is not a definite signal that things are wrong, however, because many couples fight, but it can be suggestive of deeper relationship problems. Don't let a couple petty/stupid arguments be the downfall of your relationship, but if there are a ridiculous number of fights between you two, it may be time to let go.^{[6]
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- If you find yourself thinking of ending things because of excessive fighting you can ask yourself some questions. Why are you fighting? What are you fighting about? Have you fought about this before or is this a new argument? If you find yourself fighting to hurt the person, or find that you are getting into big fights over minor issues, or keep having the same fights over and over again because you have a hard time resolving your differences, this may be a sign that it is time to move on.^{[7]
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3
Watch for constant annoyance. When both sides are annoyed by each other, they show no signs of love or interest.You can tell if your partner is annoyed by you when nothing you do seems to be right or enough, or if some of your actions in public seem to embarrass them or make them ashamed of you (they should love you for how you act). ^{[8]
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- Keep in mind that you want to look for constant annoyance or a typical repeating pattern of annoyance. Don't draw too much from a single instance, as we all get frustrated with our significant others from time to time.
4
Watch for loss of communication. For a relationship to go on, both sides must discuss problems and ideas and if he is no longer talking with you, you may want to consider that it's time to let go (he should be honest with his feelings and thoughts). That is to say that a lack of emotional expression and communication can be a sign that it is time to move on.^{[9]
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- If you are having serious issues and you love this person, however, consider going to a couple's counselor and sorting out the different emotions you each feel.
5
Listen to your partner. If he is brave enough to tell you that he is no longer interested in being in a relationship with you, listen. This can be one of the hardest, most difficult things to hear; however, the truth never hurts as much as deceit. If someone has enough respect for you to be honest, return that respect and let go.
- It is never easy to hear that you are no longer 'it' for someone that you shared time with; however, in the long run, you will be better off being with someone who truly loves you for who you are.
6
Look for signs of cheating. Maybe he's texting with a girl you never met, or he's coming home late at night smelling of a foreign perfume. Or, his dating profile is back up online with updated pictures, or he is constantly messaging in flirty ways on Facebook; if any of these is the case, it suggests he may be cheating on you or planning to do so. ^{[10]
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- Don't sell yourself short by staying with a cheater. At the first confirmation of cheating, move the heck on. You deserve better than that. Move on and try your best to forgive him, otherwise, he will hold an emotional pull over you yet.^{[11]
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- If you're not happy anymore to be with him/her and you feel something's fading in your relationship which is the happy moments together. Decide and be more updated to him/her. Always find the truth about yourself and for him/her too. Decide what's good for both of you

Expert Q&A

Question

Do people let go too easily?

Guy Reichard
Executive Life Coach
Guy Reichard is an Executive Life Coach and the Founder of HeartRich Coaching & Training, a professional life coaching and inner leadership training provider based in Toronto, Ontario, Canada. He works with people to create more meaning, purpose, well-being, and fulfillment in their lives. Guy has over 10 years of personal growth coaching and resilience training experience, helping clients enhance and transform their inner worlds, so they can be a more positive and powerful influence on those they love and lead. He is an Adler Certified Professional Coach (ACPC), and is accredited by the International Coach Federation. He earned a BA in Psychology from York University in 1997 and a Master of Business Administration (MBA) from York University in 2000.

Guy Reichard

Executive Life Coach

Expert Answer

I think a lot of the time folks do tend to give up a little too quickly. Nobody should stay in a toxic or abusive situation, but a lot of problems can be solved and worked on. You shouldn't give up at the first sign of an issue or conflict.
Question

What should I do before I decide to let go of a relationship?

Guy Reichard
Executive Life Coach
Guy Reichard is an Executive Life Coach and the Founder of HeartRich Coaching & Training, a professional life coaching and inner leadership training provider based in Toronto, Ontario, Canada. He works with people to create more meaning, purpose, well-being, and fulfillment in their lives. Guy has over 10 years of personal growth coaching and resilience training experience, helping clients enhance and transform their inner worlds, so they can be a more positive and powerful influence on those they love and lead. He is an Adler Certified Professional Coach (ACPC), and is accredited by the International Coach Federation. He earned a BA in Psychology from York University in 1997 and a Master of Business Administration (MBA) from York University in 2000.

Guy Reichard

Executive Life Coach

Expert Answer

Take a few courageous and loving steps to try and address the problem. Give the other person the benefit of the doubt and act in good faith. Give them the opportunity to change and improve. If they still can't meet you where you need them to be, it's time to let go.
Question

Why should I try if the other person isn't trying at all?

Guy Reichard
Executive Life Coach
Guy Reichard is an Executive Life Coach and the Founder of HeartRich Coaching & Training, a professional life coaching and inner leadership training provider based in Toronto, Ontario, Canada. He works with people to create more meaning, purpose, well-being, and fulfillment in their lives. Guy has over 10 years of personal growth coaching and resilience training experience, helping clients enhance and transform their inner worlds, so they can be a more positive and powerful influence on those they love and lead. He is an Adler Certified Professional Coach (ACPC), and is accredited by the International Coach Federation. He earned a BA in Psychology from York University in 1997 and a Master of Business Administration (MBA) from York University in 2000.

Guy Reichard

Executive Life Coach

Expert Answer

You don't want to walk away from a situation feeling like you never tried to do your best. Even if it's a little painful to put yourself out there and be vulnerable only to be let down, you'll sleep easier at night knowing that you gave the relationship a genuine shot.

Warnings

Do not go crawling back to this person or you will likely end up on an emotional roller coaster that does not end well.

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It might be a good idea to speak to the person about letting go before you do. There is a possibility that his behaviors are related to something else other than you, e.g., work, and if that is the case you do not want to ruin a relationship off of your misplaced judgment. Letting go of an abusive person can help with future relationships.

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