How to Accept Past Mistakes

Co-authored by Rebecca Tenzer, MAT, MA, LCSW, CCTP, CGCS, CCATP, CCFP and Hannah Madden

Last Updated: November 18, 2022 References Approved

If you’re a human being, you’re going to make mistakes—there’s just no way around it. However, letting go of those mistakes can be tough, especially if you’re dealing with feelings of guilt or regret. It may take a little time, but you can learn to accept your mistakes and forgive yourself for what’s happened in the past.

1

Talk it through with someone.

Holding in your thoughts and feelings can make your anxiety worse. Reach out to a trusted friend or family member to get their opinion and advice on what happened. You might just find out that the mistake wasn’t as big of a deal as you thought it was.^{[1]
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- Even if your loved one doesn’t have any advice for you, just letting it all out can be helpful.

2

Own up to your mistakes.

Don’t try to blame your mistakes on others or downplay them. Instead, admit to yourself that you messed up, even if you had good intentions. Everyone makes mistakes now and then, so it’s okay to realize that you did, too.^{[2]
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- Try telling yourself something like: “Everyone makes mistakes, and I made a mistake last year by turning down that job opportunity. It was my own fault, not anyone else’s.”

3

Empathize with anyone you've hurt.

If you hurt someone with your mistake, try to feel what they feel. It can be easy to excuse your actions if you don’t empathize with the person you hurt. They might feel angry, embarrassed, sad, or a little bit of all three emotions at once.^{[3]
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Greater Good Magazine
Journal published by UC Berkeley's Greater Good Science Center, which uses scientific research to promote happier living
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- For example, if the mistake you made was talking badly about a friend behind their back, your friend might feel angry and embarrassed.
- Or, if you got into a fight with your parents at a family reunion, they might be feeling sad or worried about you.

4

Make amends with those you’ve wronged.

Forgiving yourself is much easier when others have forgiven you, too. If you hurt someone with your actions, reach out to them and ask how you can make up for it. There might not always be a clear answer, but reaching out to the person can’t hurt.^{[4]
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Trustworthy Source
Greater Good Magazine
Journal published by UC Berkeley's Greater Good Science Center, which uses scientific research to promote happier living
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- In some cases, it’s obvious what you can do to make up for a mistake. For example, if you dropped someone’s expensive knick knack and it broke, offer to pay for it.
- Other times, there might not be anything you can do to make up for it. If you hurt someone deeply with your actions, they might not be able to forgive you—and that’s okay.

5

Plan what you could do better next time.

Help yourself avoid the mistake in the future. Sit down and actually write out a list of things you can do to make sure the mistake never happens again. Of course, you can’t tell the future, but you can turn your mistake into something positive.^{[5]
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- For example, if you missed a deadline at work, you could work on your time management and set reminders for yourself on your phone and computer.
- If you forgot a loved one’s birthday, you could write it on your calendar and plan to buy them a gift 2 weeks in advance.

6

Look for the life lesson.

You might be able to accept your mistakes if they were worthwhile. Instead of ruminating over what you could have done better, stop and think about what you can learn. You cannot change the past, but you can use it to guide yourself towards better decisions in the future.^{[6]
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Expert Source

Rebecca Tenzer, MAT, MA, LCSW, CCTP, CGCS, CCATP, CCFP
Clinical Therapist & Adjunct Professor
Expert Interview. 2 October 2020.}
- For example, if you learn that you get frustrated when your mom tries to talk to you immediately after arriving home, then be grateful for learning that you need some time to decompress after you get home.
- Or, maybe you overslept and missed work because you’re overwhelmed with responsibilities. You can be grateful to learn that you need to cut back on what you do during the week to improve your mental health.

7

Separate yourself from the mistakes.

Mistakes don’t define who you are. Everyone makes mistakes and engages in poor behavior, but it doesn’t make you a bad person. Try to see yourself as a separate entity from the mistakes you’ve made instead of assigning yourself a role as the bad guy.^{[7]
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- For example, you could say, “I really messed up at my job one time, but I’ve also done some really great work there. My boss says I’m a hard worker, so I should believe her.”

8

Challenge your negative thoughts.

We often think badly about ourselves without even realizing it. Try to catch yourself every time you think a negative thought and question if it’s really true. Tell yourself that past mistakes don’t define who you are, and that you can make better decisions in the future.^{[8]
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Harvard Business Review
Online and print journal covering topics related to business management practices
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- For example, you might find yourself thinking, “I’m just going to mess up again.” Try telling yourself, “I can’t see the future, so I don’t know if that’s true. All I can do is try to work harder and be better.”
- Or, you might think, “Nobody likes me because of what I did in the past.” Try asking yourself, “Is that true? Didn’t my friends just ask me to hang out last week? And they’ve known me forever.”
EXPERT TIP

Rebecca Tenzer, MAT, MA, LCSW, CCTP, CGCS, CCATP, CCFP
Clinical Therapist
Rebecca Tenzer is the owner and head clinician at Astute Counseling Services, a private counseling practice in Chicago, Illinois. With over 18 years of clinical and educational experience in the field of mental health, Rebecca specializes in the treatment of depression, anxiety, panic, trauma, grief, interpersonal relationships using a combination of Cognitive Behavioral therapy, Psychodynamic therapy, and other evidence-based practices. Rebecca holds a Bachelor of Arts (BA) in Sociology and Anthropology from DePauw University, a Master in Teaching (MAT) from Dominican University, and a Master of Social Work (MSW) from the University of Chicago. Rebecca has served as a member of the AmeriCorps and is also a Professor of Psychology at the collegiate level. Rebecca is trained as a Cognitive Behavioral Therapist (CBT), a Certified Clinical Trauma Professional (CCTP), a Certified Grief Counseling Specialist (CGCS), a Clinical Anxiety Treatment Professional (CCATP), and a Certified Compassion Fatigue Professional (CCFP). Rebecca is also a member of the Cognitive Behavioral Therapy Society of America and The National Association of Social Workers.

Rebecca Tenzer, MAT, MA, LCSW, CCTP, CGCS, CCATP, CCFP
Clinical Therapist

Keeping a gratitude journal is a really effective way to work on your self-love and self-compassion. Every morning when you wake up, jot down five things you’re grateful for and make sure to incorporate things that are specific to your own personal strengths, growth, and healing.

9

Treat yourself how you’d treat a friend.

Think about what you’d do if a loved one made the same mistakes. What would you say? How would you feel? Chances are, you would not think a friend or family member is a bad person because of a single lapse in judgment. Try to grant yourself the same kindness.^{[9]
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Expert Source

Rebecca Tenzer, MAT, MA, LCSW, CCTP, CGCS, CCATP, CCFP
Clinical Therapist & Adjunct Professor
Expert Interview. 2 October 2020.}
- We’re usually much easier on others than we are on ourselves. Although it can be tough, try to stop holding yourself to a higher standard than you would others.

10

Embrace your strengths.

You have a lot of positive qualities, too. Grab a pen and a piece of paper and jot down 5 things that you like about yourself. If you can’t think of anything, ask a friend or family member to help you come up with a short list.^{[10]
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Expert Source

Rebecca Tenzer, MAT, MA, LCSW, CCTP, CGCS, CCATP, CCFP
Clinical Therapist & Adjunct Professor
Expert Interview. 2 October 2020.}
- This might sound like a silly exercise, but it’s a really good way to remind yourself that you aren’t only made up of mistakes. Although it might not feel like it, you’ve definitely done good things in your past, too.
- For example, you could write: “I’m kind to my friends, I’m creative, I manage my time well, I’m very personable, and I’d do anything for my family.”

11

Talk to a mental health professional.

Navigating this acceptance on your own can be tough. If you often find yourself ruminating on things you did in the past and you feel like you can’t get over them, a mental health professional may be able to help. They can talk to you about ways to combat negative thoughts and forgive yourself so you can move on.^{[11]
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- If you have insurance, you can probably get them to cover your visits.
- If you’re a student, check out the mental health services on campus. You might be able to see someone for a reduced cost (or even for free).

Expert Q&A
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How do I stop worrying about past mistakes?

Annie Lin, MBA
Life & Career Coach
Annie Lin is the founder of New York Life Coaching, a life and career coaching service based in Manhattan. Her holistic approach, combining elements from both Eastern and Western wisdom traditions, has made her a highly sought-after personal coach. Annie’s work has been featured in Elle Magazine, NBC News, New York Magazine, and BBC World News. She holds an MBA degree from Oxford Brookes University. Annie is also the founder of the New York Life Coaching Institute which offers a comprehensive life coach certification program. Learn more: https://newyorklifecoaching.com

Annie Lin, MBA

Life & Career Coach

Expert Answer

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It's important to recognize that your past mistakes cannot be undone. You only have control over the current moment. When you come to peace with this fact, it becomes a lot easier to be present. When you're present, you have total control of your mind and your decision-making. You can get closer to this state of being by meditating, exercising, and setting goals for yourself every day.