How to Know if You're Dating a Toxic Person

Co-authored by Jason Polk, LCSW, LAC and Hannah Madden

Last Updated: November 7, 2022 References

No one’s relationship is perfect—that’s just a fact of life. But if you find yourself feeling drained, unhappy, or worn out after seeing your partner, you might be in a relationship with a toxic person. In this article, we’ll list some of the most common signs that someone is toxic to be around so you can protect your own well-being and peace of mind.

This article is based on an interview with our relationship counselor, Jason Polk, LCSW, LAC, owner of Colorado Relationship Recovery. Check out the full interview here.

1

They judge everyone (including you).

You’ll probably hear a lot of criticism from a toxic person. If you’re dating a toxic person, they’ll have no trouble telling you all about the terrible things you’ve done (or haven’t done).^{[1]
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Expert Source

Jason Polk, LCSW, LAC
Relationship Counselor
Expert Interview. 11 February 2022.} In fact, a lot of toxic people aren’t afraid to lie—if it means they can judge you even more, they’ll do it.^{[2]
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Research source}
- Keep an ear out for phrases like, “You always…” and, “You never…” Sweeping statements like these are often overgeneralizations, and it probably means that the person you’re dating is exaggerating to make your actions seem worse.

2

They never apologize.

Toxic people will never admit that they did something wrong. If the person you’re dating never says “I’m sorry,” that’s a bad sign. It means that they don’t see anything wrong with their actions, even when you call them out directly.^{[3]
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- They might even try to spin it around and blame you.^{[4]
  X
  Expert Source
  
  Jason Polk, LCSW, LAC
  Relationship Counselor
  Expert Interview. 11 February 2022.} For instance, if you said something like, “Why didn’t you call me last night? I was worried sick,” they might say, “Well, you never answer your phone anyway. It’s your fault I didn’t call.”
- Similarly, you might feel like your partner never listens to you or your needs. This is another sign of toxic behavior, and a big relationship red flag.
- Ultimately, they'll never be accountable for themselves and their side of the relationship.^{[5]
  X
  Expert Source
  
  Jason Polk, LCSW, LAC
  Relationship Counselor
  Expert Interview. 11 February 2022.}

3

They manipulate people.

You might see them using their friends and family to get what they want. For instance, they might make friends with someone just to get their networking connections so they can get a better job. Chances are, if the person you’re dating constantly manipulates other people, they’re probably manipulating you, too.^{[6]
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- You might also see your date using their emotions to get out of something. Maybe whenever you get mad at them, they start crying (in a very dramatic way) so you feel bad for them.
- Or, if you call out something they did wrong, they’ll act really sad and say things like, “You probably hate me, don’t you?”

4

They are jealous of your friends and family.

Toxic people are often jealous of your outside relationships. Even if they know that you aren’t romantically involved with anyone else, they might get mad if you decide to hang out with friends or spend a night with your family. This is because they want you all to themselves, and it’s a big sign that they are a toxic person.^{[7]
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Trustworthy Source
Cleveland Clinic
Educational website from one of the world's leading hospitals
Go to source}^{[8]
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Expert Source

Jason Polk, LCSW, LAC
Relationship Counselor
Expert Interview. 11 February 2022.}
- They might also try to guilt you into staying home with them instead of going out with your friends.^{[9]
  X
  Expert Source
  
  Jason Polk, LCSW, LAC
  Relationship Counselor
  Expert Interview. 11 February 2022.} You could hear things like, “But I’ll miss you so much!” or, “I thought you liked hanging out with me?”

5

They try to control you.

You might start to feel like you have no control over your life anymore. It might start out innocently: they “suggest” the job you should apply for or which outfit you should wear. However, it will slowly turn more and more nefarious—you might find yourself asking their permission before you do things, just so they don’t get mad.^{[10]
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- Controlling behavior can be a sign that your partner is abusive. If you feel like your partner is controlling your life, get help right away.^{[11]
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  Trustworthy Source
  PubMed Central
  Journal archive from the U.S. National Institutes of Health
  Go to source}
- They may also try to control who you hang out with.^{[12]
  X
  Expert Source
  
  Jason Polk, LCSW, LAC
  Relationship Counselor
  Expert Interview. 11 February 2022.}
EXPERT TIP

Adam Dorsay, PsyD
Licensed Psychologist & TEDx Speaker
Dr. Adam Dorsay is a licensed psychologist in private practice in San Jose, CA, and the co-creator of Project Reciprocity, an international program at Facebook's Headquarters, and a consultant with Digital Ocean’s Safety Team. He specializes in assisting high-achieving adults with relationship issues, stress reduction, anxiety, and attaining more happiness in their lives. In 2016 he gave a well-watched TEDx talk about men and emotions. Dr. Dorsay has a M.A. in Counseling from Santa Clara University and received his doctorate in Clinical Psychology in 2008.

Adam Dorsay, PsyD
Licensed Psychologist & TEDx Speaker

If you think you're dating a toxic person, you should ask yourself, "What are my boundaries?" "What am I willing to do?" What am I unwilling to do?" Setting boundaries will give you a sense of power when interacting with your partner and will help you take back control of yourself in the relationship.

6

They complain about everything.

Even if everyone had a great time, a toxic person will still find a way to complain. Maybe you went out to have a beautiful picnic with them, but the weather was a little cloudy, so they talk badly about it.^{[13]
X
Research source} Or, maybe you both went out with a group of people and had fun, but when you come home, your partner complains that your friends are annoying. Toxic people do this because they want attention, and being negative is the only way they know how to get it.^{[14]
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Expert Source

Hyungbum Kang, MA, MSW, LCSW, MAC
Licensed Clinical Social Worker
Expert Interview. 26 July 2021.}
- After spending time with your family, your partner might complain about how often you see them or how much of your time they take up.

7

They blame you for anything that goes wrong.

Toxic people will criticize you for things out of your control. Traffic, the weather, someone else being late—these are all things a toxic person might blame you for, even though there’s no way you could have influenced them. It’s because they are looking for ways to get angry at you and start a fight, and they’ll use anything around them to do it.^{[15]
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Trustworthy Source
Cleveland Clinic
Educational website from one of the world's leading hospitals
Go to source}
- They might even blame you for things that they did. For instance, if they forgot to buy milk at the store, your partner might say, “Well, you didn’t remind me.”
- Or, if your partner was late to work, they might say, “You didn’t wake me up on time.”

8

They are passive-aggressive.

They will say things that sound nice, but are actually mean. You might hear a lot of backhanded compliments from a toxic person when you two are dating. A mentally healthy person will address their issues head-on, but a toxic person will let out their aggression by using sarcasm or giving you the silent treatment. And, if you call them out on it, they’ll probably pretend they have no idea what you’re talking about.^{[16]
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Trustworthy Source
Cleveland Clinic
Educational website from one of the world's leading hospitals
Go to source}
- For instance, if you put on a new outfit, they might say, “Wow, that looks really nice. That was so in style 5 years ago.”
- If you ask them what’s wrong, they’ll probably just say, “I’m fine.”

9

They constantly play the victim.

Anything that goes wrong in a toxic person’s life is someone else’s fault. Even if they are the only person to blame, a toxic person will find a way to shift it onto someone else. Pay close attention when they tell you stories about their day: do they ever admit fault, or is everyone around them terrible?^{[17]
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- A classic example of this is someone calling all of their exes “crazy.” If everyone that they have dated in the past is crazy, they’re probably shifting a lot of the blame onto their past partners (and not taking any responsibility for their own part).
- You might also hear about their terrible friends or how everyone in their life lets them down.

10

They talk down to you.

They might treat you like you’re a child who doesn’t know anything. In healthy relationships, partners should always treat each other like equals no matter what. If your partner belittles you or talks to you disrespectfully, it could be a sign that they are a toxic person.^{[18]
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- For instance, after you finish talking, a toxic person might say, “So, you do know how to speak coherently. Good job!”
- Or, they might tell you to “Calm down,” or, “Take it easy,” whenever you get slightly emotional.

11

They make you feel bad about yourself.

Healthy relationships should make you feel better, not worse. If you find that you’re walking on eggshells just waiting for your partner to criticize you again, that’s a red flag. Toxic people will often tear you down instead of building you up, which is a telltale sign that this is not a good partnership.^{[19]
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- Your partner might say things like, “You’re so stupid,” or, “Do you ever use that brain of yours?”
- Toxic people will also often take things out on you. If your partner comes home angry, they might yell or scream at you, even if you haven’t done anything wrong.

12

You feel unhappy or upset most of the time.

Relationships should be fun and leave you feeling content. If the thought of seeing your partner makes you say “Ugh,” or gives you a feeling of dread, it could be a sign that they’re a toxic person. Try to examine these feelings further, and address any issues in the relationship before you continue it.^{[20]
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- People also tend to feel resigned to their relationship fate once they’ve been in a toxic relationship for a while. Remember that you deserve a happy, healthy partnership, not one that makes you feel bad.

Expert Q&A

Question

How do you know you're dating a gaslighter?

Jason Polk, LCSW, LAC
Relationship Counselor
Jason Polk is a Relationship Counselor and the Owner of Colorado Relationship Recovery. With over 12 years of experience as a therapist, he specializes in helping couples build healthy and thriving relationships through counseling. Jason holds an MSW from Newman University, Colorado Springs. He is also a Level II Psychobiological Approach to Couple Therapy (PACT) therapist, Healing Our Core Issues (HOCII) Certified therapist, and has training in Relational Life Therapy (RLT).

Jason Polk, LCSW, LAC

Relationship Counselor

Expert Answer

One sign is a lack of accountability for their side of the relationship. As a result, they will gaslight you and make you feel bad or stupid for bringing up any issue.
Question

How do you test if someone is gaslighting you?

Jason Polk, LCSW, LAC
Relationship Counselor
Jason Polk is a Relationship Counselor and the Owner of Colorado Relationship Recovery. With over 12 years of experience as a therapist, he specializes in helping couples build healthy and thriving relationships through counseling. Jason holds an MSW from Newman University, Colorado Springs. He is also a Level II Psychobiological Approach to Couple Therapy (PACT) therapist, Healing Our Core Issues (HOCII) Certified therapist, and has training in Relational Life Therapy (RLT).

Jason Polk, LCSW, LAC

Relationship Counselor

Expert Answer

You gotta evaluate if your partner is making you seem crazy, irrational, unintelligent, for their subjective experience. These are all great signs, but you're the one that needs to evaluate it.
Question

How do you get out of a toxic relationship?

Jason Polk, LCSW, LAC
Relationship Counselor
Jason Polk is a Relationship Counselor and the Owner of Colorado Relationship Recovery. With over 12 years of experience as a therapist, he specializes in helping couples build healthy and thriving relationships through counseling. Jason holds an MSW from Newman University, Colorado Springs. He is also a Level II Psychobiological Approach to Couple Therapy (PACT) therapist, Healing Our Core Issues (HOCII) Certified therapist, and has training in Relational Life Therapy (RLT).

Jason Polk, LCSW, LAC

Relationship Counselor

Expert Answer

You're going to need to set firm boundaries, because there is going to be pushback from the toxic relationship partner. Also, make sure you get some kind of financial or emotional support for your plans with family and friends, as that is extremely important.