How to Keep a Girl Interested

Co-authored by Elvina Lui, MFT and Sophia Latorre

Getting a girl to date you is only half the battle; now you need to keep her interested. Create a strong bond by maintaining physical contact, talking about your relationship, and making time for just the two of you. Put effort into the relationship and make sure to fulfill her needs. Keep things exciting by trying new activities, taking on challenges together, and being adventurous and spontaneous.

Part 1

Part 1 of 3:

Creating a Bond

1
Maintain physical contact. Hold her hand, play with her hair, and kiss her spontaneously. You want to keep physical contact between you throughout your relationship. It’s easy to take a partner for granted, especially when you’ve been together for a long time, but maintaining physical contact is very important for helping you create and keep a strong bond.
2
Talk about your relationship. It can feel kind of awkward, especially if you aren’t used to doing it, but talking about your relationship is healthy and important. It's generally a great bonding activity to make plans for the future and discuss what you really love about each other. Talking about your relationship will give her a sense of stability that she might not be able to find with anyone else.
- Create a safe, nonjudgmental space where you both know that you can be honest with each other without being laughed or yelled at.
- Discuss and fix problems in your relationship before they become too big to solve.
- You can say something like, “You know how to make me laugh, even when I’m in a bad mood. I really love that quality about you, Ashley.”
- Alternatively, if you have an issue, say something such as, “Jacqueline, I feel upset when you ignore my text messages. It makes me wonder if I’ve done something wrong. Have I?”
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3
Show her how much you believe in her. She’s going to have her own challenges to deal with, such as fights with friends, problems with her boss at work, and stress when she’s got a ton of things to juggle. Never let her doubt that you know she can handle it like a boss. You know that she’s strong and smart enough to conquer all of her problems, so tell her that.
- Say something like, “I’m sorry that you’re dealing with Becca’s drama. It sounds like you’re in a tough spot. But that’s one of the really great things about you: you are such a loyal friend and will stick by her no matter what.”
4
Ask the right questions. When you talk to each other, don’t just skim the surface and keep your conversations to things like what you did that day. It’s not enough to know her favorite color and her middle name. You need to talk about things that really delve into who you are as people. Doing so creates a deep and lasting bond.^{[1]
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Research source} Ask questions like:
- “What do you want your future to be like?”
- “Why do you avoid your sister’s calls?”
- “How does it feel to be the soccer captain?”
5
Make sure there's time for just the two of you. Setting aside time to be a couple is crucial for your relationship, no matter how long you’ve been together. She needs to feel like you’re really there for her and that means being present as much as you can.
- For instance, plan a date for just the two of you, rather than your usual group of friends.
- If you’re living together, you can go to bed half an hour early so that you two have time to talk and be intimate.

Part 2

Part 2 of 3:

Setting Yourself Apart

1
Be mysterious. Don’t tell her your life story on your first date. Instead, slowly reveal details about yourself and your past experiences to her. For instance, wait until she asks about your education to reveal that you graduated at the top of your class from MIT. She’ll be impressed by the accomplishment as well as your modesty.^{[2]
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- Don’t tell your girl you’re an amazing cook. Instead, surprise her with a home-cooked meal that will have her praising your skills in the kitchen. You can even bring the meal to her for lunch if you aren’t able to have the house to yourself.
2
Develop yourself as a person. If you are a genuinely interesting person, it’ll be easier for her to stay interested in you. Work on becoming more mature and pursuing new goals, and let your interests change naturally.
- For example, try taking one of your interests and making it into a serious hobby. If you love comic books, try creating your own.
3
Respect her. Respecting her is crucial to keeping her interest. Show her that you value her opinion and make sure that she puts in her two cents when it comes to decisions that you make together. Let her talk without interrupting her, listen to her, and never insult her or belittle her. Basically, follow the golden rule: treat her how you would want to be treated.^{[3]
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4
Be kind to everyone, not just her. Being kind is an underrated value, and your girl will appreciate that quality in you. It’s not enough to just be nice to her, though, you need to show that you are truly a kind-hearted person. When you're mean to other people, and especially to people that are "weaker" than you, you send the message that she might someday expect the same.^{[4]
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- For example, if you talk behind your best friend's back, she may assume you’ll do the same to her when she’s not around.
- Be polite to strangers. Hold the door open for the people behind you, for instance.
5
Fulfill her needs. When you're in a relationship together, focus on meeting her needs in balanced proportion. She has physical and emotional needs, and meeting just one of them isn’t going to cut it. If you don’t know what her needs are, then ask her. She will appreciate you taking the time to find out how to make her happy.^{[5]
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- Fill her physical needs by showing affection and ensuring she receives pleasure when you are intimate.
- Fill her emotional needs by listening to her, being supportive, and talking to her about stimulating and interesting things.
6
Put in effort. It can be easy to stop putting in effort after you’ve been together for a while. Yet, when you stop making the effort, she'll start to feel taken for granted, and you don't want that. Be sure to keep up with your appearance, make efforts to surprise and woo her, and keep trying to impress her.^{[6]
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- For example, come up with a really special way to ask her to prom. Consider her likes and interests and incorporate them into your plan. If she loves jelly beans, spell out “Prom?” in jelly beans in her room (after getting her parent's permission).
7
Spend time apart. While spending time with each other is essential, you also need time apart. Couples that spend too much time together can get bored of each other’s company. It’s important to make sure you each have your own interests and friends. So, set up a Tuesday poker night with the boys or join a sports league that gets you out of the house on Saturday mornings.^{[7]
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- You could decide that you’ll hang out four nights a week and spend the other three with your own friends or family.

Part 3

Part 3 of 3:

Keeping Her Life Exciting

1
Be adventurous. While she might not be outright looking for an adventurous guy, she certainly won’t say no to someone who’s willing to try new things and keep her life exciting. When all you do is sit on the couch, it can be hard to maintain interest. Solve this issue by getting out and enjoying your life together.
- Take her to an amusement park and ride all the roller coasters together, for instance.
- For example, traveling and outdoor activities are always an easy way to experiment with being more adventurous. Try going for a hike in the mountains in the next state over. Road trip!
2
Pursue what she enjoys. When you show her that you care about things she finds important and that you’re willing to work to help her pursue that part of her life, she’ll be really impressed. She wants to stay with someone who can understand her in that way and that she knows she can count on for support. Find ways to help her pursue what she loves and you’ll go far toward keeping her interest.
- For example, if she really loves fashion, help her start a blog or vlog where she can give advice to others. You can take pictures of her and help her figure out how to start and design a website.
3
Take on challenges together. Taking on challenges together will certainly make your lives more interesting, but it will also help you feel closer together and increase your confidence in each other. Taking on challenges together is actually one of the most effective ways of building strong feelings between two people. You can consider things like:
- Getting in shape or trying a new sport
- Improving your grades and raising your GPA
4
Learn together. Learning together can be a great way to keep things interesting. This will not only engage your brains (together!) but it will also give you more things to talk about and chances to bond. There are lots of different ways that you can learn together and many are free. By choosing a subject that you’re both interested in, you also ensure that it’s fun.
- Watch online educational videos, like TEDTalks or Crash Course on YouTube
- Take free online courses with sites like Coursera, or sign up for a class at your local community college.
5
Be spontaneous. One of the worst things you can do for a relationship is to let things become routine. Eating at the same restaurant and going to the same stores in the mall every weekend gets boring, and she may lose interest. Instead, be spontaneous to show that you’re always thinking about ways to make her happy, not just following a set pattern of behavior.^{[8]
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- Take her on imaginative dates. Try something unusual every now and again, like geocaching or volunteering in your community.
- Get her a simple gift (flowers, a teddy bear, etc.) and surprise her with it at work or school.

Expert Q&A

Question

How can I deepen my relationship with my girlfriend?

Elvina Lui, MFT
Relationship Expert
Elvina Lui is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist specializing in relationship counseling based in the San Francisco Bay Area. Elvina received her Masters in Counseling from Western Seminary in 2007 and trained under the Asian Family Institute in San Francisco and the New Life Community Services in Santa Cruz. She has over 13 years of counseling experience and is trained in the harm reduction model.

Elvina Lui, MFT

Relationship Expert

Expert Answer

Dig deep, maybe even sharing things no one else knows. If you are able to be vulnerable and share painful things from your past, and you see understanding and empathy from each other, that creates a deep and meaningful connection. For some people, their partner is the only person in the world who knows that story — think about how special that is, and how irreplaceable you are to your partner.