How Does a Narcissist Respond to No Contact? 11 Potential Reactions

Written by Jay Reid, LPCC | Edited by Nihal Shetty

Last Updated: May 21, 2022 References

You’ve finally taken the big step of establishing a no-contact policy with the narcissist in your life, but how will they respond? Going no contact with a narcissist is an important part of empowering yourself and escaping this toxic relationship, especially when you remember that a narcissist will never give you the love and respect you deserve. If you’re concerned about the fallout from this decision, we’re here to help. We’ve got you covered with this guide exploring the ways a narcissist responds to no contact.

This article is based on an interview with our licensed professional clinical counselor, Jay Reid. Check out the full interview here.

1

Ignoring the no-contact boundary

A narcissist may not be able to accept no-contact boundaries at all. A narcissist might continue calling, texting, or finding you at home or work. A typical feature of a relationship with a narcissist is that they deny the importance of your boundaries and space, and this attitude can continue even after you implement a no-contact boundary.
- If a narcissist ignores your no-contact rule and starts reaching out to you again, consider blocking their number, their e-mail, and their social media profiles.^{[1]
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- If you do block them, you don’t owe them an explanation. If you want to, however, you can send a note saying something like, “Since we’re going no-contact, I’m going to be blocking you. Please don’t try to find other ways to message me.”

2

Contacting your friends and family

A narcissist won’t respect the boundaries of people close to you either. If a narcissist can’t reach you, they may try getting in touch with your friends and family to find ways to keep you in their life. It’s common for a narcissist to get in touch with a mutual friend in order to get you to come back to them.^{[2]
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- Set boundaries with your friends or family if they try to get you to resume your relationship with the narcissist. Tell them something like, “While I appreciate your concern, I want to be clear that I have no interest in discussing reopening that relationship. Please respect my decision.”

3

Getting angry

Anger is a typical response when a narcissist feels hurt. Narcissism often stems from a place of deep woundedness and fear. When a narcissist feels like they can’t exert their control over you, it’s possible that they’ll lash out in order to punish you. If a narcissist steps over your no-contact boundary to verbally attack you, have a response prepared:^{[3]
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- If they say something like, “You’ve always been so selfish,” respond, “I understand what you’re saying, but I disagree with your assessment of me.”
- If they say, “You’ve caused me nothing but pain,” respond, “I think we have different views of the situation.”
- If a narcissist is verbally attacking you over the phone or in-person, hang up or exit the room as quickly and safely as you can.

4

Criticizing you to others

Narcissists make themselves feel better by tearing you down. It’s common for narcissists to say hurtful things about you even when you’re with them and in the company of others, so you should expect this behavior to continue when you’re not around. Try your best to remember that a narcissist spreading hurtful rumors and stories about you says more about them than you.
- For example, if the narcissist is an ex, they might say something like: “She was always the most toxic girlfriend.”
- Or, if the narcissist is a parent, they might tell their friends something like: “He’s always been an ungrateful son.”
- When someone is tearing you down to other people, you’re the target of bullying. Dealing with this kind of behavior is tough, but try to remain mature and not get pulled any deeper into their drama. In their mind, reacting gives the narcissist power over you.

5

Acting like you never mattered

Discarding someone after a relationship is typical pattern for narcissists. It's typical for a narcissist to downplay the significance of your relationship to them. In a narcissist’s mind, you’re a second-class citizen, and therefore of no real importance. Try not to take these feelings to heart—you do have value, and narcissists discard because they’re threatened.
- For instance, a narcissist ex might tell other people, “We were never really together. It wasn’t that serious.”
- A narcissist friend might say something like, “I never really liked her anyways, so it’s no big deal.”
- Take being discarded as an opportunity to escape this toxic relationship. If a narcissist doesn’t want anything more to do with you, this is far better than if they keep trying to suck you into their life.

6

Seeking out other people

Narcissists thrive off of other people’s admiration. If they can no longer get this from you, they might try seeking this from others. For a narcissist, the role of other people is to serve them—they need others to prop up their own egos. Depending on your relationship to them, a narcissist might replace you with new dates, friends, or people who can act as surrogate children for them.^{[4]
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- Although it might feel strange watching other people get sucked into a narcissist’s orbit, it’s best not to get involved. Focus on living your own life independent of the narcissist.

7

Making you feel guilty

To a narcissist, you’re at fault for all of your relationship’s issues. When you refuse to give a narcissist the attention they need, they’ll shift the blame for the end of your previous relationship onto you. Since they can’t empathize with how they made you feel, they won’t accept responsibility for their actions.
- A narcissist ex might tell you something like, “You never really cared about me.”
- A narcissist parent could say something like, “I’ve done so much for you, and this is how you treat me?”
- Accept that you will likely end up the villain of the narcissist’s story. Working with a therapist to unpack any guilty feelings you might have and to improve your self-worth is the key to recovering from narcissistic abuse.

8

Overwhelming you with affection

To win you back, a narcissist might try making you feel special. When they try to suck you back in by acting like everything is okay, this is a strategy called “hoovering.” They might love bomb you by telling you how important you are to them or how much they care about you. If you do give in, they’ll trap you back in the same cycle of abuse.
- When you’re no contact with a narcissist, remember that even this kind of behavior is a transgression of your boundaries. Remind the narcissist of this by saying something like, “Thank you for saying that, but I’d prefer to stick to our no contact policy.”

9

Begging

A narcissist will resort to many tactics to hoover you. They might beg you to talk to them, or detail how much suffering your absence has caused them. This is another manipulation tactic. Remember that a narcissist cannot care about you, only about how you can feed their need for admiration.^{[5]
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- When a narcissist begs you to come back to them, this is another time to remind them that you have a no contact policy. Be direct, and say something like, “I wish you well, but I am not interested in resuming our previous relationship. Please stop reaching out to me in line with my wish to be no contact.”
- A narcissist might try giving you gifts in order to win you back. If it’s possible, try returning these gifts to them and saying something simple like, “Thank you, but I don’t feel comfortable accepting this.” Otherwise, they might end up finding more fuel for their resentment.

10

Making up emergencies

Narcissists use your kindness to manipulate you. A narcissist might tell you that they’re experiencing serious illness, pain, or are in dangerous circumstances as a means to get your sympathy or attention. Think back on your relationship with them to see if they’re fabricating or playing up their situation—is this a trick they’ve pulled before? If the answer is yes, they may be trying to manipulate you.^{[6]
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- Ask yourself: is it a real emergency, where there is a danger to someone’s immediate safety? Or is this something that is only an emergency in their mind, and not something that you need to involve yourself in?
- If a narcissist breaks your no contact rule to tell you that they need you, and you’ve determined that this isn’t something you need to get involved in, it’s okay to not respond.
- If you do think that they need a response, direct them to other resources by saying something like, “I understand that you’re stressed about your health. I know that there are several good doctors in the area, and I’d encourage you to schedule an appointment soon as you can.”

11

Stalking

Stalking is an extreme reaction from narcissists. Since a narcissist has no respect for your boundaries, it’s possible that they will find ways to make you feel unsafe at your home or place of work. In fact, most stalkers do have a personality disorder such as narcissism. If a narcissist is stalking you, document it as evidence—your safety is important, and you may need to seek legal help.^{[7]
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- If a narcissist is stalking you and repeatedly finding ways to ignore your attempts to end your contact, consider filing for a restraining order. By getting the court involved, you can use legal action to ensure your own safety.