How to Have an Open Marriage

Co-authored by Trudi Griffin, LPC, MS and Amber Crain

Last Updated: June 13, 2019

Monogamy isn't for everyone. Perhaps you and your partner are discovering that an open approach to marriage feels healthier and more natural to you. Many couples feel the same way! A successful open marriage depends on lots of open and honest communication. Start by exploring the idea together. If you decide to move forward, set some ground rules first. Once you both feel comfortable and ready, take the plunge. Communicate frequently, openly, and honestly with one another as you navigate this new phase of your relationship!

Part 1

Part 1 of 3:

Introducing the Idea

1
Bring it up as an idea for the 2 of you to explore. Avoid bluntly asking your spouse if they want to have an open marriage out of nowhere. Doing this indicates to them that you've already made up your mind about it without considering their feelings at all. They may feel threatened and negative about the idea straightaway. Instead, propose on open marriage as an idea that the 2 of you can explore together.
- You could start off by saying, "What do you think about the concept of an open marriage? I'm not sure how I feel about it, but would you be open to looking into it and discussing the possibility with me?"
- Be prepared for your spouse to draw negative conclusions. Think ahead about how you’ll answer questions they may ask, such as “Are you unhappy with our relationship?” or “Why would you want an open marriage?”
- While it’s a good idea to introduce the idea as something you can explore together, make it clear that what you’re proposing is becoming romantically involved with others separately.
2
Reassure your spouse that this is just an idea. There's no need to debate the concept or get into an argument. Gently explain that you simply want to explore a hypothetical situation with them. Reassure your partner that you'd never move forward with this idea unless they are interested and 100% onboard.
- You could say, "If you have no interest in the idea, we don't need to explore it at all. I'm not interested in exploring the concept unless you're by my side."
- If necessary, assure your spouse that they don’t need to worry about you becoming involved with someone else without their knowledge and consent.
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3
Praise your partner. Introducing the idea of an open marriage is a tricky situation. Tell your spouse how much you love them and value your relationship. Praise them and enumerate all the things you appreciate about them, both as a person and as your partner. Look into their eyes and be sincere.
- Offering this kind of emotional support at the outset may keep the peace during a conversation that could easily become volatile.
- If your spouse reacts badly, they may be confused about why you’re interested in having an open relationship if you think highly of them. Be respectful of their feelings as you try to clearly explain why you’d like to talk about the possibility.
4
Research the idea together. Buy books on the subject and read them together. Look for credible sources written by counselors and psychologists that include thorough case studies. Explore blogs and articles about open marriages online. As you research different sources, look for real-life stories featuring other couples who opted to have an open marriage.
- Don't just read information in support of open marriages. Look at the dangers and worst case scenarios as well, and discuss all the possible "what ifs” so that you’re fully informed about potential benefits and roadblocks.
5
Discuss your fears and reservations openly. It’s normal to have fears or reservations about the idea of an open relationship. It's a big step! Don’t be afraid to open up to your partner (or let your partner open up to you) about any fears or doubts you're having. Discuss your feelings openly and honestly with one another.
- For example, you may be worried that your perception of your spouse will change. You could say, "I'm worried that I won't see you in the same light anymore, and I don't want that to change."
- Maybe you're afraid your spouse will fall in love with someone else. You could say, "I love you and I'm afraid of losing you."
- If there seems to be a significant amount of concern, think and talk about whether or not there’s a way to accomplish what you want to without involving additional people.
6
Talk about how it will affect your relationship. Communicate openly about the potential benefits and drawbacks of having an open marriage. Discuss any concerns about how the change may affect you, your spouse, your marriage, and even your children.
- For example, consider if the dynamic between you and your spouse may change when you start seeing other people.
- Discuss potential jealous feelings that may arise, and the arguments that could result from that. How will these relationship changes affect your children (if you have any living at home)?
7
See a marriage counselor together (optional). A counselor can help you and your spouse navigate the idea of an open marriage, especially if you don't feel 100% certain you want to try it. Counseling may also strengthen your bond, bolster your communication skills, and encourage closeness with one another. During your sessions, take an honest look at your relationship and evaluate its current state. Explore questions like:
- What are the strengths of your relationship? What are the weaknesses?
- Do you feel emotionally secure when it comes to your spouse? Do you trust them?^{[1]
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- If both parties are completely sure about wanting an open marriage and feel secure about moving forward, counseling probably isn't necessary.

Part 2

Part 2 of 3:

Establishing Boundaries

1
Define what "open marriage" means to both of you. People often have very different ideas about what "open marriage" means. To avoid any potential confusion, it's important to clearly define what "open marriage" means to the 2 of you before moving forward.^{[2]
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- To some, “open marriage” can mean occasionally making out with someone else, or sometimes watching adult films with another person, for example.
- To others, it may mean participating in multiple relationships, or even living with more than 1 partner.
2
Set mutually agreed upon boundaries and respect them. All healthy relationships have boundaries, and they're especially important in an open marriage. For instance, you may want to agree on boundaries like not sleeping with mutual friends, always meeting with another partner outside of the house, or only maintaining an open relationship when you're traveling or apart for long stretches of time.^{[3]
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- Be clear in the boundaries you set and hold yourself to a high standard when interacting with other people. Don’t put your marriage in jeopardy.
- This is also a good time to come to an agreement on what to do if one spouse wants to stop having an open marriage and the other doesn’t, or if one spouse is enjoying their time with someone and the other spouse doesn’t like that person.
3
Use protection when sleeping with other people. STD prevention is always important, and it's crucial for maintaining a successful open marriage. Both partners need to agree to conduct their non-primary relationships in a safe and healthy way. Once risky choices come into play and danger is introduced, your open relationship will probably deteriorate quickly.^{[4]
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- Take your health and safety a step further by agreeing to get tested for STDs regularly.
4
Agree that your marriage is the primary relationship for both of you. Ideally, being in an open marriage strengthens your bond and creates openness between you and your spouse. Your marriage should be your most important relationship. To maintain the strength of your marriage, it's important not to spend too much time with secondary partners.^{[5]
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5
Proceed once the rules are defined and understood by both parties. Move forward only after agreeing with your spouse on the arrangement. There's no need to run full-speed into this new phase of life. Take things slowly, work everything out, and move forward when both of you feel ready. If your spouse seems hesitant or unsure, don’t assume they're on board. Keep talking until you are both comfortable and ready.^{[6]
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Part 3

Part 3 of 3:

Maintaining Open Communication

1
Check in with each other regularly. Keep discussions about your open marriage ongoing. Don't feel ashamed for wanting to bring it up or talk about how you feel. You don’t have to explicitly talk about the open relationship, but check on each other and your marriage often.^{[7]
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- Many couples choose not to discuss their other relationships or encounters with their spouse. You can still talk about how you feel about being in an open relationship without giving your spouse all the details.
- Discuss the boundaries you set and make sure you’re both still okay with those boundaries.
2
Be upfront with each other about everything. Honesty is definitely the best policy when it comes to having an open marriage. Whether you choose to talk about your other relationships with your spouse or not, be honest about how you feel and what you think about having an open marriage. Communicate openly with your spouse so that you can continue to meet each other’s needs.^{[8]
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- Honesty and trust go hand in hand. When being honest with your partner, make sure you say things in a way that they can understand and make sense of.
3
Talk about feelings of jealousy if they arise. Managing jealousy can be tricky, yet working through jealousy can help you grow and learn about yourself. Recognize when you feel jealous and tell your partner in a direct way that you're having these feelings. Work through them before resuming the open relationship.^{[9]
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- If you believe your spouse is trustworthy, be willing to let your jealousy go. There’s no need to hold onto negative feelings.
4
Say something if you’re unhappy with the arrangement. If you and your partner try an open relationship and you don’t feel like it’s working or that it’s causing harm, speak up. Explain clearly to your partner that you’re unhappy and want changes. An open marriage will change and evolve as you and your spouse explore and navigate the relationship.^{[10]
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- For example, if you want to make a change to the relationship, say, “I feel like this has worked for a while, but it isn’t working now. Can we talk about it?”
5
Allow for mistakes along the way. Even if you and your spouse think you've planned your arrangement to the letter, unforeseen situations will inevitably pop up. There will be some messy moments and misunderstandings as you navigate your open relationship. Just like anything, there's a learning curve!