How to Get the Right Man

Live your own life. The best thing anyone can do to be more attractive is to lead an interesting, fulfilling life; only deeply manipulative or insecure people want to be with someone who has no side interests, activities, friends, or hobbies. Think about your own tastes: would you rather be with a man who spends his weekends hiking, traveling, playing cello, and taking you to dance classes or one who sit in his living room playing video games and catching up on his favorite shows? Hold yourself to these same standards by spending plenty of time with your friends, pursuing your own interests, and developing new hobbies. (In fact, you may just meet some interesting men while you’re there!) Don’t drop these things the second you meet someone; make them integral to your experience. You’ll find yourself happier and more independent while you’re at it, which will help steer your dating decisions and make you more compatible with interesting men as well.

• Don’t be needy. Neediness repels most romantic partners – and the ones it attracts tend to be unbalanced in a complimentary way (ex. controlling). Read How to Stop Being Needy if this is an ongoing issue for you.

Look in all the right places. Start by imagining the type of man you're looking for. Make a list – at the top of which should be responsible, respectful, and honest – of characteristics, quirks, and deeper-level traits that you want in a man, but be careful not to get too caught up in non-essentials (ex. brown-haired) or you may find yourself writing off some real gems. (If you find your list goes on and on, you might have some soul-searching to do.) Then, imagine where that type of man would be. Would he be hanging out at a bar? Or, more likely, would you find him golfing, hiking, getting an education, or pursuing some other similar activity? Make a list of 10 places that you would want your future husband to frequent (from art galleries to bookstores, anything goes as long as you are legitimately personally interested in what happens there and would choose to go there on your own). Finally, make a point of going to those places whenever possible - as long as you continue your own, fulfilling personal life. You've probably already found that you are meeting more men just by pursuing your passions!

• Lots of people see themselves repeating the same patterns of "bad" relationships over and over again. If you relate to that, try self reflecting and taking stock of what your beliefs are. What do you believe about yourself? What do you believe about the opposite sex? Answering these questions might help you get out of this cycle.
• What are you looking for in your life right now? What life experience would you like to have with a man right now? When looking for a partner, you need to know if that person matches the values that you have now, because that's where a lot of couples fall apart.

Get over past hurts. Letting old wounds spill over into new relationships, whether by reliving the same power struggles over and over again or by looking at your wonderful new partner with a skeptical eye, is one of the fastest ways you can either pick the wrong guy or sabotage a budding relationship with the right one. Learn how to cope with emotional pain or, if necessary, deal emotional abuse so that you can see your new relationships for what they really are.

Dress in whatever way makes you feel comfortable and confident. Never feel that you should have to dress in a sexually provocative way to attract a man. In general, women dressed in a way that is either too sexual or too prudish have a harder time gaining traction with men they don’t know yet; a woman who dresses in an overly sexy way looks like she's trying too hard to get attention, but a woman who is dressed in an overly conservative way looks like she's suppressing her natural self. All men are a little different, of course, but if you want to dress like a lady, you will attract men who are looking for a lady.

• Make a point of confidently expressing who you are, instead of seeking approval or validation through your clothing.

Refine your flirting technique. The best flirting skills to use on men tend to be physical ones. This doesn't mean you should be overtly sexual. When you see a man who interests you, make eye contact and smile; studies show that smiling is the single most effective thing a woman can do to look more attractive to men.^[1] The classic look you'll see is this: a woman makes eye contact, notices the man watching her, blushes, and looks down; then she bravely draws her eyes back up and smiles again. (That description may be a bit too demure or feminine for your style, but adaptations on it hit a chord for men.) However, confidence is key, and subservience rarely is attractive to good men (unless that is your cultural norm). Keep making eye contact and smiling, but don't be creepy. If he looks shy and isn't approaching you after awhile, give him a wink; if he looks uncomfortable and avoids eye contact, pick a different target. Read How to Flirt for more advice.

• Once he approaches you, lean back and relax. Now is his turn to talk to you. Have fun and joke with him: gently tease him a little – nicely, not sexually. Tell him one thing exciting in your life, but focus on asking him about his life and commenting on it positively. If you're still attracted and he makes you laugh, touch his arm. (Don't look at your hand, but notice how he reacts.) Continue to touch him at intervals. If he starts to look uncomfortable, back off with both your body language and energy level.
• Realize that many men love the process of pursuing a woman. This doesn't mean you should play games with him. It does, however, mean that often men like to initiate a kiss, initiate sex, say "I love you" first, ask a woman on a date, ask her to be his girlfriend and ask her to be his wife. However, there are obviously some cases where men are shy and therefore don't like to make the first move. This can happen at times when you either haven't given them enough encouragement or they're simply shy. During the first meeting, after you've made a connection and closer to when you both have to leave, mentioning a restaurant you've been itching to go to, some hobbies you like, or the fact that your activities for that weekend have fallen through may help to bring the process along. Don’t be afraid of giving him your telephone number; this is a harmless gesture, not a marriage proposal.

Spot red flags. It can be hard to tell whether or not someone you’re interested in is exhibiting suspect behavior, especially in the early stages of a relationship when your emotions – and hopes – are running high. If you have a tendency to fall in with bad eggs, read any of the following articles that may apply. Forewarned is forearmed.

• How to Recognize a Manipulative or Controlling Relationship
• How to Pick Up on Manipulative Behavior
• How to Recognize a Controlling Person

Avoid common dating mistakes. This is where many women, unfortunately, go wrong. Yes, many men on dates are interested in sex, but if he is looking for a relationship or marriage, he is more interested in getting to know the woman and seeing if she is the type of woman he could spend his life with. This is a slow process. He watches for clingy women who make him feel uncomfortable and instead focuses on finding fulfilled, interesting women who like him as he is. He doesn't want a woman who will take any man and then seek to change him; he is looking for a woman who doesn't need a man, but likes him in particular. When a man feels like things are getting too serious too soon, before he's ready, he may run out the door out of fear of committing to someone he isn't sure about yet. (In that sense, men are almost more serious about the dating process than women, and slower to commit because they are very selective.)

• Do not over-share. Whether dealing with a man or a woman, a close friend or a stranger, someone on Facebook or in person, nobody wants to hear every detail of every event in someone else’s life. Talking your date’s ear off about hobbies, interests, gossip, or personal problems will send him running.

Make sure you are truly compatible. As the relationship buds, ask him what he wants out of life. How does he plan on accomplishing those goals? What is he going to do to accomplish those goals? Do his goals fit with your goals? Similarity in values, backgrounds, and goals are a good predictor of success. Don’t overlook large discrepancies in interest (such as whether or not to have children) in the hope that one of you will feel differently later; this is a very unstable, unrealistic beginning to what could be a long-term disappointment.

• College education is also a very strong predictor of success. Among educated people who wait until after college to marry, divorce rates are well below the national average of about 50%. Don’t put off your own education – or let your partner put off his – in order to rush into a long-term relationship.

Develop a healthy relationship. It’s not always easy to know what a relationship is supposed to be and feel like, especially if have been hurt before; having one awful relationship can completely throw off your sense of balance and self-trust, making you second-guess your every move for years to follow. Read How to Have a Healthy Relationship for more details.

• Understand that is impossible to have a healthy relationship without a disagreement now and then. However, a lot of promising research that has emerged from the Gottman and other institutions is giving our society a better idea of what behavior leads to healthy marriages. Surprisingly, the number of arguments a couple has is not the issue at hand. In fact, it was found that all couples have some unresolved issues, but successful couples are comfortably able to live with these issues. Suppressing emotions and pretending there is no problem causes some of the highest rates of divorce. Contempt, eye rolling, discounting the other person's opinion, and showing disrespect are also extremely predictive of marriage failure. Men are especially sensitive to criticism, and criticism and harshness towards men is a high predictor of divorce. Living together has been shown to have no relationship to eventual marital success (and may even have a negative effect).
• "Flooding" a man with emotions is a high predictor of divorce. Talk to friends first, organize your thoughts, and focus on simply expressing your feelings instead of judgments. Instead of "You always..." say, "I felt sad or hurt or angry..."
• Loss of love and affection is an even more important determinant of divorce than conflict. According to one article covering Gottman's work, "Those who remained happily married were very "in love" and affectionate as newlyweds. They showed less ambivalence, expressed negative feelings less often and viewed their mate more positively than other couples. Most important, these feelings remained stable over time." ^[4]
• Never treat your partner like a child: don't talk down to him, don't give him unsolicited advice, don't cast judgment on him, don't give him curfews or try to control him. Agree, if anything, to disagree about the way he does things, but accept the man as he is, appreciate him for who he is, don't try to change him. If you can't resist the urge, let him go for another girl who will appreciate him for him, not for what you consider to be his "potential". This is why it’s important to find men similar to you by going to the right places. Get to know each other first; do not marry too soon (within eight months of first sight) for a longer lasting marriage later.