How to Get Your Man to Commit

Co-authored by Luis Congdon

Last Updated: September 17, 2021 References

You're in the middle of a fantastic relationship, and you want to take things to the next level. Whether you want to make a man your official boyfriend, your fiancé, or to move in with him, there a few things you need to do before you can get your man to commit. If you want to move your relationship forward, follow these easy steps.

Steps

1
Make sure you're ready for commitment.^{[1]
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Research source} Before you can execute your plan to make your man commit, you have to be certain that you're doing it for the right reasons. Whether you just want him to ask you to be his girlfriend, or if you want him to propose marriage, you need to know that it's the right step for you.
- Write down a list of all the reasons you want to move the relationship forward. These reasons should come naturally, and it shouldn't be hard to write down quite a few.^{[2]
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  Expert Source
  
  Luis Congdon
  Relationship Coach
  Expert Interview. 3 September 2021.}
- Don't force commitment just because you think that it's what you should do because you've been together for a while. Only move forward when you're ready, not because you think it's the next logical step.
- Don't force commitment just because it's what everyone else around you is doing and you don't want to feel left out. Just because your ten best friends are getting married or moving in with their significant others, it doesn't mean that you should follow suit unless it's something you really want.
- Don't let any outside forces, such as your parents or your friends, pressure you into moving the relationship forward.
- If you want him to ask you to be his girlfriend, you have to be ready for a committed relationship. Make sure that you don't want him to commit just for the title, but because you want to take your relationship to the next level.
- If you want him to ask you to move in with him, or to look for a place with him, you should want to do it because you want your relationship to be stronger. Don't do it if you'll just look at him as your roommate and want to save rent, or your relationship is doomed to fail.
- If you want him to ask you to marry him, make sure that you're ready to spend the rest of your life with him, that he makes you happier than anyone in the world, and that you can't imagine a life without him.
2
Make sure he's ready for commitment. Once you know you're serious about moving the relationship forward, it's important to be sure that your honey is on the same page. If you're absolutely ready but he's not even thinking of commitment, then you will run into a lot of trouble. Here's how to know he's ready:
- Have a conversation and be very clear with your intention that you want to be in a committed relationship and ask him if he is ready for commitment.^{[3]
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  Expert Source
  
  Luis Congdon
  Relationship Coach
  Expert Interview. 3 September 2021.}
- If he's ready for commitment, he will tell you how amazing you are, how much he appreciates you, and how much joy you have brought to his life. ^{[4]
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- If he's comfortable talking about your future together, from where you'll live to what your kids will look like, then it's a sign he's serious. Even if he casually mentions something you will do one or two years down the line, this will show that he knows you'll always be a big part of his life.^{[5]
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- If your relationship is steady and always growing. If you spend most of your time together having fun, doing the things you love, and having open and honest communication, then your relationship will can be healthy in the future as well. However, if you're always fighting and unhappy with one another, then you should work out your relationship issues before you can move forward.
- If you want him to ask you to be his girlfriend, it should be clear that you're the only lady in his life. He shouldn't be talking to, texting, or mentioning any other girls.^{[6]
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  Expert Source
  
  Luis Congdon
  Relationship Coach
  Expert Interview. 3 September 2021.}
- If you want him to ask you to move in with him, he should be prepared to share responsibilities, to keep his stuff in order, and to share more of his life with you.
- If you want him to ask you to marry him, then he should be comfortable with who he is, be proud of what he does, and should feel generally secure before he can be truly secure about your future together.
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3
Let him know that you're ready to commit. Without being too obvious or pushy about it, you should let your man know that you want to take things to the next level. Without a crystal ball, he won't know how you're really feeling unless you tell him or show him.^{[7]
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Expert Source

Luis Congdon
Relationship Coach
Expert Interview. 3 September 2021.} Here's how:
- When you're telling him how much he means to you, mention that you're ready for the next step.
- Find small and casual ways to say that you want to move things forward. Don't tell him during a "big talk" but slip it into natural conversation so he feels comfortable.
- If you have friends who have made that step, mention how happy they are without comparing your relationship to theirs.
- Try to feel him out. When you mention that you're ready, ask what he's looking for as well.
- Give him love and affection without overwhelming him, and he will know that you adore him.
4
Show that he would benefit from committing to you. If you want him to commit to you, you need to show him that you're a person he would want to take to the next stage of his life. Before he takes a big step, he needs to know that you're a fun, positive, interesting, and exciting person who would be a great partner. Here's how:
- Make a list of ways that you can improve your best qualities, whether it's to show you're more independent by cutting back on how often you see him, or by being more relaxed by not planning every little thing.
- Show your ability for compassion. He should know that you can understand his feelings, help him when he's feeling hurt, and be sensitive to his weaknesses.
- Show your independence. Though you want to grow closer to him, you should maintain your own passions, friendships, and goals so he doesn't think that you're clingy and be afraid that you only want to spend all of your time with him.^{[8]
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- Show that you have a lot to teach him. Whether you can teach him to relax, or can help him be a more organized person, he has to think that continuing to be with you will help him improve as a person.
- Show that you're generous. Part of being in an exclusive relationship, living together, or being married means being able to compromise and to understand the perspective of the other person. Your man needs to know that you can have a constructive conversation, know when to back down, and be comfortable with not always getting your way.
5
If you want to, wait for him to make the commitment. If you're more traditional, then you may want your man to make the first move. Give him time to understand how important the commitment is, and to find the place and way to ask you to make the commitment. He may be having the same feelings as you are but is just struggling to find the right time to ask.
- Have patience, but know when the ball is in your court. If you've wanted him to make the next move for what feels like a long time, you should initiate a conversation. If you don't, you may be waiting around for something that won't happen and will get more hurt as time goes on.
6
Have an honest conversation. Once you know you're both ready for the next step and he's not budging, it's time to have honest and open communication about the next step. Here's what you do:
- Be firm. Take the time to sit down with your man and talk about your thoughts about moving the relationship forward. Let him know that you really care about him and that you want to move further with him.
- Don't be confrontational. You should be clear that you're having an important conversation, but don't put your man on the defensive. Don't say, "Why haven't you asked me to be your girlfriend yet? Is there something wrong with me?" He'll be thrown off guard and won't know what to say.
- Be open-minded. Remember that a conversation is a two-way street, so after you take the time to tell him how you feel, say, "What do you think?" Or, "How are you feeling about all this?" Show him that you really care about what he has to say.^{[9]
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- Pick the right time. This is a serious conversation and you should have it when there are no distractions. Have the TV off and put your phones on silent to have the talk. Make sure that you're not having the conversation during an incredibly busy or stressful week in your man's life, or he won't be nearly as receptive as you will want.^{[10]
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7
Don't be disappointed if it doesn't work. If you've tried everything and your man refuses to make the commitment, then don't be disappointed. Not everything in life goes as planned, and you should know that you gave it your all and feel good about how hard you've worked on the relationship. When it doesn't work, there are two things you can do:
- End the relationship. If you've been trying to get him to ask you to marry him for many years and it won't work, then you should accept that maybe he's not the marrying type, and that you have different goals when it comes to the relationship. If marriage is really what you want and you're sure he won't commit to you, then it's time to move on.^{[11]
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  Research source}^{[12]
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  Expert Source
  
  Luis Congdon
  Relationship Coach
  Expert Interview. 3 September 2021.}
- Give it more time. Ask yourself if your man has a good reason not to commit. Maybe you've had a great few months together but he's still recovering from ending a relationship of eight years and doesn't have the emotional resources to give you what you want at the moment. Maybe he's in the middle of a major career change and is feeling nervous and deeply insecure about making the change and needs some time to settle down.
  - If you feel that the problem is situational, and not because of his intrinsic values, then have patience and try again at a better time. But you should know the difference between waiting for him to come around when he's going through a rough patch and making constant excuses for his commitment phobia.

Expert Q&A

Question

What do you do with a man who won't commit?

Luis Congdon
Relationship Coach
Luis is a Relationship Coach, specializing in helping couples who want a long and happy relationship together. Luis has worked in one of the United States' largest research studies on marital longevity using the framework of Drs. John & Julie Gottman. As a researcher on marital happiness and a relationship coach, Luis has worked with over 1,000 couples, written for the Gottman Institute, spoken at colleges and universities across the United States, been featured in Forbes magazine, and has led over 150 relationship-building classes.

Luis Congdon

Relationship Coach

Expert Answer

Be upfront about what you're looking for in a relationship. For instance, you might say "If we're going to take things to the next level, I want to know that we're committed and monogamous."
Question

How do you commit to a new relationship?

Luis Congdon
Relationship Coach
Luis is a Relationship Coach, specializing in helping couples who want a long and happy relationship together. Luis has worked in one of the United States' largest research studies on marital longevity using the framework of Drs. John & Julie Gottman. As a researcher on marital happiness and a relationship coach, Luis has worked with over 1,000 couples, written for the Gottman Institute, spoken at colleges and universities across the United States, been featured in Forbes magazine, and has led over 150 relationship-building classes.

Luis Congdon

Relationship Coach

Expert Answer

Let the other person know how you're feeling! If you met through a dating app, you might say something like: "Hey, I really like you. I deleted my profile and really want to start seeing just you. How do you feel about that?"

Warnings

Don't ever force your man to propose marriage. If he's doing it because he knows he'll lose you if he doesn't, but he isn't really ready, then your relationship is likely to fail.

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