How to Get Close to Someone with Intimacy Issues

Written by Nicole Moore | Edited by Madeleine Criglow

Last Updated: May 21, 2022 References

Dating someone with intimacy issues can be a confusing and isolating experience, no matter how much you care about them. You might feel hurt by your partner's distance or unsure of how to get through to them. This article is here to help you identify the signs of intimacy issues and understand your partner's perspective. We've also got everything you need to know about getting closer to them despite their struggles with intimacy.

This article is based on an interview with our love and relationship coach, Nicole Moore, founder and CEO of Love Works Method. Check out the full interview here.

1

Watch out for the signs of intimacy issues.

Your partner's behavior may reveal an underlying problem. When your partner becomes distant, you might blame yourself or feel rejected. Before going forward, it's important to realize that their behavior likely has little to do with you. Intimacy issues are usually the result of childhood trauma, prior abusive relationships, or a fear of abandonment.^{[1]
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Trustworthy Source
HelpGuide
Nonprofit organization dedicated to providing free, evidence-based mental health and wellness resources.
Go to source} If your partner experienced any of these things growing up, they might:
- Be afraid to trust you
- Be reluctant to commit to you
- Avoid touching you, hugging you, or being intimate with you
- Be critical of you or attempt to sabotage the relationship
- Have a history of unstable relationships

2

Communicate with your partner.

Being open and honest can make your relationship feel safer. Your partner might be afraid to open up because it wasn't safe for them to do so in their past relationships. Help them see that your relationship is different by keeping the lines of communication open. Tell your partner what's on your mind and address conflict kindly and directly.^{[2]
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Expert Source

Jacqueline Hellyer
Licensed Psychosexual Therapist
Expert Interview. 15 October 2021.} This will encourage them to see that they can talk about their feelings without fear.^{[3]
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Expert Source

Nicole Moore
Love & Relationship Coach
Expert Interview. 6 October 2021.}
- You might say, "I've been a little stressed about this fight I had with my sister. Would you mind if I vented about it a little?"
- To address conflict in a respectful way, use I-statements and wait until both of you are in a calm headspace.
- Try something like, "I felt a little hurt when you didn't ask me how my day was after I got home. I understand that you've been busy, but I was really looking forward to talking to you."

3

Open up about your past.

Share what you've been through to help them realize they can, too. Your partner might be afraid to talk about their history with you, especially if they've made mistakes or been through a lot. Try opening up about your own experiences to help them realize they can trust you.^{[4]
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Expert Source

John Keegan
Dating Coach
Expert Interview. 29 June 2021.}
- "I got bullied a lot in middle school. It was a rough experience, but it helped me learn how to stick up for myself."
- "I was a little reckless when I was a teenager. It was fun at the time, but I feel like I take much better care of myself now."

4

Be vulnerable.

A huge part of intimacy is showing your partner who you really are. Try your best to be your genuine, authentic self in front of your partner.^{[5]
X
Expert Source

Jacqueline Hellyer
Licensed Psychosexual Therapist
Expert Interview. 15 October 2021.} Talk to your partner about your emotional needs, reveal your guilty pleasures and embarrassing quirks, and avoid pretending to be what you think your partner wants. Over time, this might encourage your partner to feel safer being themselves, too.^{[6]
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Expert Source

Nicole Moore
Love & Relationship Coach
Expert Interview. 6 October 2021.}
- "You do so much for me, but sometimes I need to hear you tell me how much you care with your words."
- "I've seen every season of The Real World. What's your guilty pleasure TV show?"
- Try your best not to compare yourself to other people or play hard to get. Vulnerability is a little scary, but it's necessary to get close to someone.

5

Listen to your partner’s perspective.

It means a lot when a partner with intimacy issues does open up. Anytime your partner talks to you about their feelings or divulges something about their past, listen attentively by making eye contact and giving them your full attention. It will help them feel more comfortable talking to you if they know that you care.^{[7]
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Expert Source

John Keegan
Dating Coach
Expert Interview. 29 June 2021.}
- Make sure you put your phone down when you're partner is speaking to you. You might also try rephrasing what they said in your own words and asking follow-up questions.
- To rephrase their words, you might try, "I see what you mean. Your parents didn't always approve of your passions, so you felt like you had to hide them."
- Respond with a follow-up question by saying something like, "That's wild that you lived in so many places growing up! Was it tough changing schools so much as a kid?"

6

Give your partner space.

They might just need some time to themselves before they can open up. When your partner is distant, you might be tempted to pressure them or seek more reassurance. Try to give them some space instead, as they may just need time to collect their thoughts. Do your own thing and fill up your schedule with other plans and pursuits.^{[8]
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Trustworthy Source
HelpGuide
Nonprofit organization dedicated to providing free, evidence-based mental health and wellness resources.
Go to source} Once they get some time on their own, they'll likely miss you and reach out again.
- If your partner is distant, they might be less physically affectionate or talkative than usual. This might hurt, but seeking reassurance or pressuring them to open up might make them withdraw even more.
- Instead, spend some time with your friends and family and dedicate time to your passions and hobbies. Remind yourself that your partner's behavior likely has nothing to do with you.

7

Practice patience.

Working through intimacy issues takes time. Try your best not to rush your partner as they get through their issues, as this might make them feel pressured. Understand that it might take a little longer for your partner to open up or get to certain relationship milestones.^{[9]
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Expert Source

Kelli Miller, LCSW, MSW
Psychotherapist
Expert Interview. 2020 July 21.}
- It might take a person with intimacy issues longer to say "I love you," for example. That doesn't necessarily mean they don't care about you or even love you. They just need extra time to feel safe expressing their feelings.
- Avoid issuing an ultimatum to get closer to your partner or speed up your relationship. This might backfire and make them feel less comfortable opening up to you.

8

Empathize with their perspective.

Seeing things from their point of view can help you be more patient. Anytime you feel hurt or confused by your partner's behavior, remind yourself that they are likely trying their best. You might feel comfortable being yourself and expressing your feelings, but that might be pretty scary for them. Take this into account anytime you get frustrated with your partner for being hesitant to get close.^{[10]
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Research source}
- Your partner's fear of intimacy is no excuse for mistreating you. If they blame you for their issues or put you down, you have every right to be upset. Calmly let them know that you won't tolerate their behavior.
- To stick up for yourself, you might try, "I understand that you're going through a lot right now, but I am trying my best to be there for you. It's not fair to blame me for how you are feeling."
- If you express how you're feeling and they still don't change their behavior, it might be time to consider walking away.

9

Encourage your partner to go to therapy.

A mental health professional can give your partner extra support. Working through intimacy issues can be difficult on your own. It's possible your partner might benefit from working with a therapist or a counselor. They can help your partner find the root of their issues so that they can feel more comfortable being close to other people again. To broach the subject respectfully, mention it as a suggestion and avoid pressuring them or issuing an ultimatum.^{[11]
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Trustworthy Source
HelpGuide
Nonprofit organization dedicated to providing free, evidence-based mental health and wellness resources.
Go to source}
- Try something like, "I realize that this is a lot to deal with on your own. Do you think talking about how you're feeling with a therapist might help?"
- You might also consider going to couples therapy so the two of you can work together.
- You could also talk about visiting a sex therapist.^{[12]
  X
  Expert Source
  
  Jacqueline Hellyer
  Licensed Psychosexual Therapist
  Expert Interview. 15 October 2021.}

10

Try your best not to take their behavior personally.

Remember your worth despite your partner's avoidance. Dating someone with intimacy issues can be a struggle, as you might feel hurt or rejected sometimes. Remind yourself that their behavior has nothing to do with you and build up your confidence as an independent person. That way, you'll be much less affected anytime your partner grows distant.^{[13]
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Expert Source

Nicole Moore
Love & Relationship Coach
Expert Interview. 6 October 2021.}
- To build your confidence, remind yourself of all of your positive qualities. Write them down as a list and return to it anytime you're feeling down. You might also try repeating a mantra, like, "I'm smart, talented, and beautiful."
- Dating someone with intimacy issues can be tough for even the most confident people. It's important that you be honest with yourself about whether you're getting your needs met in this relationship.

11

Walk away if you aren’t happy.

A relationship should build you up and bring positivity to your life. If you frequently feel hurt or rejected by your partner because of their intimacy issues, it's possible the two of you may not be a good fit right now. This might hurt to hear, but your partner may need time to work on their issues on their own before they can give you what you need.^{[14]
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Research source}
- Take some time to think over how you're feeling before ending the relationship. You might even talk to your partner about your concerns.
- You could say, "I really care about you, but I sometimes struggle to feel close to you. Is there anything we can do so that things don't feel so distant?"
- If you do walk away, remind yourself that there are other people out there that will be able to care for you in the way that you need. Your partner might even be able to be that person for you after doing some internal work on their own.